Why Do We Argue? (Page 3)

What about sports? Do you like to argue about sports?

I realized that's the one kind of arguing that people still seem to know how to do well.

That's the kind of arguing I'm talking about.  Knocking ideas around and against each other to get to the heart of things.

well I guess it goes back to the definition of arguing...but I get your point

Ugh, I'm with jford. Mostly because, in general, people DO tend to make it personal. 
 

So I shouldn't take the UGH I'm with Jford personally????  

I disagree.  I think it's because, in general,  people tend to TAKE it personal. 

LOL how did I know someone was going to type that exact reply??

However, it is the onus of the message sender to make their message understandable.  The receiver understands it the way they understand it.  It's reactive response for the receiver where the person sending the message has time to construct it.

If the receiver is offended and the message was not MEANT to offend, then it's up to the sender to fix that, not for the receiver to "just not be offended" or take it that way.  That's an emotion and reactive and is what it is.

Can someone learn to reserve emotion until further explanation?  Sure.  Do some people have thicker skins that others?  Sure.

But you feel angry when you feel angry, or happy when you feel happy or offended when you feel offended.  As the message sender you can't just say they shouldn't feel that way just because you didn't intend it that way, you have to structure or restructure you message to send the correct intent.

It's also the relationship you have.  A friend can call me a d-bag and I just laugh.  A stranger, and it's something different.  They may both mean nothing by it, but one is offensive, the other is not.

Or if I'm not offended by being called a nerd, I can't assume that calling someone else a nerd wouldn't be offensive to them. 

My experience in dealing with people is that some of them just look to be offended.....they have some kind of "I'm offended" radar that goes off at the slightest perceived wrong, whether it was meant that way or not, sometimes whether it is offensive or not to a majority of people.

I don't think anyone needs to constantly be worried about how their message "is structured" on the chance that someone, somewhere, will be offended....because sure enough, they will.  Say what you think,  understand that not everyone will agree, discuss/argue, and move on.

From my view, people need to lighten up.......it's not that serious most of the time.

I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I don't worry about being offended, and sure enough, I almost never am. 

I agree.  But I'm not suggesting anything that extreme.  I' never suggested you be "constantly worried".  Of course not.  I do think you need to consider how your message may be received.  It's almost natural though.  We all talk different to our pastor than our best friend, or boss, or wife, stranger.

But if your message was taken wrong and it's important to you that they understand it correctly, I think it's your duty to correct it, not just say they shouldn't feel that way or have taken it that way.

But yes, there are the occasional people that are looking for an excuse to be upset.  But that's rare in day to day conversation, at least in my world.  So rare, that I don't consider it and it takes me by surprise - then I just walk away.  It's not worth my time talking someone who WANTS to be offended.

I understand that you don't worry about being offended and people should lighten up.  That may be the chosen path.  But you also have to realize a lot of people DON'T think the same way.  Now if you don't care if they walk away with the wrong message or offended, that's fine.  If you do care, then it's up to  you as the sender to resend it, not just expect them to suddenly lighten up because that's how you approach life.

And, equally as much, there are some people that are simply offensive most of the time with their personal style - whether they intend to be or not. They have some kind of "I don't know how to communicate without being offensive" thing going on.

This is now a thread where we're arguing about arguing.

As a child I was beaten if I talked back or argued.... now if you argue with me AND make me feel stupid I'll just beat the crap out of you. 

Seriously though, I don't usually participate in an argument.... unless that is, you make me feel stupid. 

I recommend this book for anyone that's interested in (among other things); why we believe what we believe, the relationship between intuition and logic and why we seldom change our mind.

righteousmind.com

Kido - In my world, I deal quite a bit with people who are looking to be offended, or upset.....it's far from rare and I easily recognize it after nearly 30 years of listening to it.  But still, to be sure, I see more of it on a board like this than in real life because I think it's easier to be that way in this medium. 

 Read the threads.....people are outraged over littering, drafting, cutting courses, poor pool behavior, and all forms of bad manners.  Where are all of these evil-doers?  They aren't on these boards that's for sure......these boards are apparently filled with the "good people"...those who do no wrong and remain offended and outraged. Come on, it's laughable. We're all human.

There are only two possible explanations for the behavior.....either nobody really gets that offended in real life, or they do really get that offended and are afraid to speak up in that situation....in which case they show their outrage here, on the interwebs, the last refuge of the passive aggressive.

I think a good internet argument is healthy, we all stand to learn.  I think getting offended by an internet argument is hysterical. 

In my hometown we had a popular radio DJ who used to say, "save me from the good people".

I agree.

I am one of those people that wears my heart on my sleeve and, for the most part, am proud of that.  My frustration is when, while arguing, the other party will say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way." or" I can't help that you feel like that" or "You can choose how to interpret what I'm saying, I'm not going to change what I already said."  All of these responses send me over the edge and then all logic goes out the window and emotion takes over.

I've had to train myself that when others disagree with me, sometimes in very mean ways, to let it go and not get too emotional about it.

I can't control someone else's side of the street, (how they act/react) but I can control mine. 

^^^This!

Most of the time I try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt unless it is obvious they are being a jerk.  That being said there are some people who seem to feel it is perfectly OK to be rude in electronic communications.  I really see no difference in electronic communications vs face to face.  If I won't act that way or say it in person I won't do it electronically.  The biggest problems comes from not being able to read inflection, body language etc. so it is more difficult to gauge actual intent.  There are those who will always jump to the wrong conclusion but that is on them not on me; it does however take some interaction to find out who those people are.

You killed this thread with your helpful reply. 

Stopped the argument didn't I? 

trinnas -

KateTri1 - You killed this thread with your helpful reply. 

Stopped the argument didn't I? 

Why do you hate arguing so much?

Did someone beat you in an argument in a former life or something?

dontracy - 2013-03-20 1:20 PM

trinnas -

KateTri1 - You killed this thread with your helpful reply. 

Stopped the argument didn't I? 

Why do you hate arguing so much?

Did someone beat you in an argument in a former life or something?

No one has ever beaten me in an argument...... EVER!

Thought about this some more last night and had another spinoff thought.

Though I approve of the BT rules in general, there are SOME problems with them.  The rules of behavior and content keep the site "family friendly" and basically eliminated flat out abuse by people.

However, what comes with that, if people are not allowed to express themselves the way the want, they resort to subtle passive aggressive insults.  THEN they shrug it off like they didn't know what they were saying.  I think most people here are smarter than that.

I would prefer to just be called a moron, than some subtle passive aggressive inference that I'm a moron.  Then I call them on it, and they say "I don't know what you mean, I never CALLED you a moron".  Um, yeah you do.

If you got something to say, man up and say it.  Hidden jabs and insults are just weak.  BUT, we are not allowed to just say it, so hidden jabs to skirt the rules is the only recourse for some.

Come to think of it, it's like that everywhere.  MOST people are afraid to just say what they want to say, say snarky things then deny they had any clue what they said was offensive and it must be the guilty conscious of the other person.  I think most people know what they are saying - or am I giving people too much credit?