TAN #203: TANese New Year - Horsing Around (Page 67)

zero stress at home, pretty standard stress at work.  it all started when visiting my sister in PA - she has hard water and i don't, and her bathroom was pretty dirty, but maybe?

Are you freakin' serious?  Geezus - I'll give him one thing, he's persistent.  Crazy.  But persistent. 

Love the response from your client!   

He just needs to take a very long walk off a very short cliff.

Or run head first into a brick wall... many, many times.  Maybe that would knock some sense into him?   Probably not, but I'm an eternal optimist and I think he should try it if for no other reason than "how else is he going to find out if it would work or not"!     

Dealing with a GF that, it is becoming apparent, feels she is competing with my training.  Even though I am constantly juggling training around  to make time for her and the girls, she is feeling like she is competing with it for time.  Frustrated like Hell right now and wondering if it wouldn't be simplest/best to just sell the bikes and go back to being fat & lazy.

Stuff coming "out" concerns me.  That's not right.  But if that's behind you?  I probably wouldn't worry about it.  My had a small stomach flu and still feeling it?

I go through waves.  There will be days/weeks I just can't get enough to eat and other times?  I can go almost days WIHOUT eating.  Usually, when it heats up, my appetite diminishes.  I didn't eat all day yesterday until I got home and had a stuffed salmon dish and a small (ok, medium) sized bowl of ice cream.  That's it.  Not hungry this morning.

I KNOW we should be eating 5-6 small meals a day, but that seems like too much work.  I tend to eat when I'm hungry, and don't when I'm not.  Probably why weight loss is so slow...

If you are in the 40-44 Age group, then yeah, sell those suckers and deal with the GF. If not, then I say try to find the balance.

It wasn't overt, but that was one (of many) issues that was no bueno for me and my ex.  I would go to Karate class for an hour after work and that would bother her.  She didn't want to be alone and needed to have me around any moment she wasn't at work (or with friends)...  I NEEDED that time for me and it made me better for it.  If I skipped it, I would resent her and be in a mad mood and make our time together less than optimal.

She would also want to lay in bed all day or lounge around the house all weekend (something she always did at home growing up) but I would get impatient and stir crazy and need to get outside.  She would hate to be left alone.  Don't get me wrong, there were lots of fun Sunday's we would go to her parents house and watch football all day, BBQ, play cards and just be lazy.  But I can't do that EVERY sat and sun...

Hmmm, I am in that age group...  

I'm starting to feel that there isn't a balance to be had.  Like Kido suggested in his post, I'm not sure there is a level of training that I could back it down to that wouldn't result in comments like "I wish you'd take an interest in us like you do your training" or "maybe I should pay you $100/month to spend time with us" (the amount I pay my coach).

Ugg. Sorry. That's no good.

It build resentment and can cause some serious harm to the relationship. I was often accused of this in the past, even when he was working 6am-6pm, and my weekday training would almost always be done during that time. 

If you sell the bikes, then you will be the miserable, resentful one.

Try to have a good conversation (not argument) about how important your time is to you (whether you read, ride, shop, watch movies, whatever) and that exercising really makes you happy, healthy and functional. Try to find a middle ground that satisfies - one long workout per weekend instead of two, designated SO time weekly where you actually spend quality time together, stuff like that. 

I got this, only more along the lines of "I support you in what you do, you never support me"

He drank beer and watched TV. Should I cheer for that? Make you a sign? A finishers medal after a six pack? And I always made race attendance voluntary. 

He did start playing soccer, and I did attend every game. I'd often run to the game, so I'd get my workout in, see him play, then we'd leave together. 

Not sure if the response was meant for me...  BUT, not worries!  That ended like 12 years ago.  The current wife?  NO issues.  Is proud of my 5-6 hour rides and my training (when I did it).  She would brag to her friends and wonder how I did it...

However, I always at least ASK her schedule and try to get my training in when it worked out for both of us.  Not all the time did it work out.  The good thing is, my long days?  I could get going at 6am or so, get in 5-6 hours, and get home shortly after she woke up after working late.  So perfect timing.  It may be different after the bambino comes (IF it comes).  But deal with that when I get there.  Plus I'm not doing those silly long races anymore.  70.3 may be the tops.

Not for you

Your wife's schedule seems like it can be tough - nights, weekends, somewhat random if I've interpreted things right - but i think you're both approaching it well. You get time for your things while she's working/sleeping. She gets time for her things while you're sleeping/working. And then, you've got plenty of time to spend together when you are both free.

All I know is...

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand no promises no demands  both of us know it, Love is a Battlefield...  (sorry it came on Pandora and it seemed fitting)

I'm guessing you've already done this - but sitting down and going over your training schedule each week with her might help?  

Ask her to go on some of the training rides/runs with you?  

Make specific plans with her & the girls for when you're free & add those to your training schedule? 

Sorry, I know those are probably fairly lame suggestions - but from reading other threads about this same thing, these seem to be the most popular things given as advice... provided you don't want me to go with the other popular suggestions of either selling the bikes or dumping the GF...  

Oh wow, I wouldn't even know what to say to that.

The way I see most situations: if it's important to you, she will respect it. If she's important to you, you'll find time. Somewhere in between those two things, there is a balanced, healthy relationship.

/end Dr. Phil

Armchair shrink...

BUT, closely listen to what she is saying there.  It's probably NOT that she doesn't like you doing triathlon but rather she is not feeling like you take an interest in her - may have nothing to do with training, per say.

I would take tri out of the equation.  Don't focus on getting rid if training or even talk about training.  That's not the issue.  If she is feeling ignored or unappreciated (or whatever), if it's not tri, she would say it would be TV, or work, or golf, whatever she could say gets more of your focus.  It's easy to focus on training as the "issue" since that's what she says is taking your time but I would almost guarantee it has nothing to do with it except it's something she can "accuse" you of or put her finger on that's tangible.

She probably meant to say that she feels unimportant to you for some reason.  Or you don't focus on her/the relationship.  That's a bit abstract, so she feels jealous of tri (which she can see) which you probably do focus for.  Look at the relationship closely.  Do you treat her well/special when you DO spend time together?  Do you focus on her or is she just a sidekick to more tri talk or watch you plan your next race or workout?  Often, if you make the time you spend together just about her/the relationship, however limited, it means a lot.  IF she is worth it and it's the right time in your life and want it to work out, you HAVE to determine what she wants to feel important cuz it's NOT less training...  You could quit training and if you changed nothing else to make her feel special?  Won't fix anything.

For me, it wasn't what I was doing, but the fact my ex suffered from depression (unknown at the time) and needed people around her to take her mind away from it or feel comfortable.  Time alone for her got her thinking and in her head and sad.  It wasn't me sleeping in, or doing karate or other stuff - but it was her needing to feel assured and comfortable.  We needed to focus on THAT.  We didn't figure it out though and went our separate ways.  She did get it diagnosed later and is doing much better.  Good for her.

OR...  you just train too much?

Now, that's just crazy talk!

Most times, it seems the issue arises during the weeks she has the girls, so we aren't spending as much time together because her days & nights are occupied with the kids and/or work, and I have various obligations (yes, including trainer rides) that require me to be at my house and not with them.  The things that you've mentioned about your ex actually really resonate here, I think, and I need to learn from this.  She frequently hits the wall, so to speak, in dealing with the girls, work, the house, etc... on these nights because she is doing it on her own.  Me not being there and her being alone while dealing with the drama of the girls alone could be enough to spark things.

I'm not the sort that is very good at reading between lines - actually, I pretty much suck at it.  So when things like this come up, I go from zero to supremely frustrated in a heartbeat.

MOST people are.  Most people don't talk about what's REALLY the problem.  They won't say "I'm feeling ignored or stressed or alone which makes me sad and anxious".  They say "YOU TRAIN TOO MUCH AND DON'T FOCUS ON US!".  Then we think the training is the problem.  I always TRY to think of what the message REALLY is about - even though most of the time I just react and go with what is being said - training too much - then argue about that.  People tend to be reactionary when there is confrontation.  KNOWING to look at the cause instead of reacting to something said is much harder to implement than to talk about.  But I try.

I was a slow learner and my dad was a great example which I failed to notice.  It really is the little things that make a difference...

When I sense the wife is stressed, just a text saying "I'm proud of the hard work you do", or "your the best/most amazing such and such" (or whatever adjective you want) means a lot.  Flowers or some other fun gift - nothing too big.  Who doesn't like a gift out of the blue?  Spa day?  Couples massage (which is great for you too)...  Do something to take the load off that maybe you don't already do?  Cook or laundry? 

I'm shocked to see what a simple heart felt text can do to make the wife feel better when she is "losing" it.  Today, for example.  The wife has 4 gigs.  Gong to be a long day for her.  Part of me thinks, "well, she brought it on herself".  BUT, a text telling her how amazing and hard working she is and I'll have some good leftovers waiting for her?  Takes no time, costs nothing.  Suddenly I'm the best, most supportive husband EVER she brags about!

I'm not the kind that says you need to sweet talk or buy your way into peaceful situations, but the well timed text or flowers for no reason?  WIN...  Those are the things that would show you DO take an interest in her.  We take people for granted a lot.  Sometimes I forget what a good thing I have and think if I lost her, what would the last thing I want her to hear be?  What would I say if we were dating and trying to win her?  It's easy to let the normal day to day "wonderfulness" go unnoticed and focus on the stupid problem de jour - but I TRY to not let that happen.

Man, I'm rambling today.  Slow day at the office.

Excellent advice, Kido

Agreed - and something both parties should try to work towards.  I know I'm guilty of not doing some of the nice little things out of the blue - but I really should do that more often, I know how big a smile on my face I get when I'm on the receiving end. 

Thanks for the reminder Jim!  

Are you sure she wasn't a cocker spaniel?  This sounds a lot like one of those.

I see you are going for "Husband of the Year".  I think we can award that by acclamation.  All the wives in favor say "Aye".  All opposed.  The "Aye"s have it.

Kido is HOTY.  Sort of works.

TW