I am a scumbag. (Page 2)

Monday is a far better day for your schedule, but I stick by my original idea that if it isn't worth your father's $500, I don't get why it should be worth YOUR $500. Then again, I am like you, the black sheep that lives 1,000 miles away from everyone else. And I like it that way. I didn't go to my grandmother's funeral, who I adored, because my brother turned it into a spectacle she wouldn't have appreciated. I drove out a week later by myself and spent time at her grave site so I could mourn on my own terms.

Ok since I am realy popular today with some of my views I thought I would finish the love fest off by posting this.

Some familial relationships can be poison. Unless you are in a family who tears you down to build up someone else or themselves you cannot get how horrific these relationships can be. Everyone's pain is there own and no one can compare it. Things that devestate me may or may not devestate those around me. It is very personal and very private. Life with our family's can be the most lonely part of our existance. Sometimes people have to move away and beyond and try to build families of choice.

If you are in a poisened family realtionship you might get it ir you are not then there are no words to explain it. You go to be with them and they know you better than you sometimes know you. They know what to say to hurt you worse than anyone can and you cannot build the armour because they are so very close. the arrows pierce every time and even if they arrows are not aimed intentionally they are aimed true.

While I think that if you can go to be with them you should you need to look deeply inside yourself and decide if the tearing down of who you are is going to be worth the effort of what you do. If you go are you going to be picked on and at the recieving end of jokes and.. well abuse or can it be put away for the time you are there?

I don't know about you but when I go home to Dad, no matter how many of my children I bring, I am 13 again. No stupid mistake is left out of the memory lane trip we walk. I am not an adult but a child who has not learned and will not learn and I do not hold the value of my sister.

I am damned if I do and if I do not.

Are you asking for permission to miss this funeral? If you are you are not asking it of those who post here. You are asking it of yourself. You are the one who is going to live with this choice and it is a hard one. can you look yourself in the mirror if you miss it? can you do it if you go and they are themselves at their worst? Will you forgive yourself either way? Which option makes you your best self? You cannot fix it or make them think better of you no matter what. You are going to go or not go and know that no matter what your relationship sounds like it needs more work and help than can be fixed by just you in one weekend.

If you go and suck it up will it strengthen those in your family? Will it deeply wound if you do not? You cannot be your brother, it is not going to happen. His opinion will probably not stronly support you anyway because it has been my experience tha the "perfect child" in a family likes that position and honestly who can blame them? They tend to fight to stay there. It is not mean or intentional but it happens. It just is.

So. What do you need to do for you? Can you grant yourself permission to go and feel resentful or not go and feel guilty? Which is going to be the lesser of the two pains for you?

I do not envy you and I would not wish to be in your position. I am glad I am not being passed through this particular level of hell right now. I am going to miss my husbands family reunion in September for a tri and my husband is already hearing it because he wants to be there for me. It is a no win either way and it is unfair and sucks. Your family should say "You were not that close go and do your tri and have someone call us with your splits. We will have you come for a visit in a few weeks. We understand and love you".. They are not going to say that to you. I am so sorry about that.

Instead of sending a $100 Bouquet of flowere that will die in a week, why not make a dontation to Charity or something. It would go alot farther than flowers and its tax deductable. It sucks sometimes when a loved one dies. My grandfather passed on 2 weeks before I graduated College. One of my professors tried to fail me because I didn't turn in a project while I was at the Funera, which I wouldn't have missed for any reason. Needless to say I graduated and went to the funeral. Things get in the way and you and only you can make the decision to attend this funeral or not. From the sounds of it your immediate family will get over it with time if you don't attend. But you have to make the decision.

I think this sentence might be the key to everything. True and honest feelings of guilt are reserved for the time when you KNOW you have done something that is wrong TO YOU. If you know who you are, and what you think is right and wrong, no one on earth has the power to make you feel guilty, it simply cannot be done.  The other kind of guilt is the fake kind. It's kind of a selfish emotion that affords you the opportunity to not have to stand up for yourself and make your own decisions. It takes things out of your hands, gives permission for other people to run the show, and allows you to then feel justified in resenting them for it.  See how icky that is? 

So if you would feel true and honest guilt for not going, go.  If you'd feel fake guilt for not going, do not go.  That's what I'd do, so that's all the advice I have to give.

Well, I think you should attend only if you really feel in your heart you should. In that case, no triathlon or money would keep you away from the people you care for.
Think about it. Wouldn't you rather have only 2 people that really care in your funeral than having hundreds showing up because it is a social/family obligation?
I would....

My mother said she wants a party to raise money to benefit Speech and Language. So thats what she's going to get. Hopefully not for many years to come though.

Put me in the cheapest pine box they sell and light me on fire, don't cry over my grave and donate any money to the Kitchel/Lindquist Dune Foundation in Grand Haven, MI.

No parties, no funerals, no "I wish I had told her ___________". Just tell me now, good or ill and let's move on from here.

Shouldn't this be in the Cup of Joe Forum?

Mike

The long-lost relative is dead. She's not going to come back and bring the Tri-God's wrath upon you. If you don't go, it doesn't show disrespect. You can honor her memory just as much, even with not going to the funeral.  Sounds crass...but funerals and the handling of death in our society has gotten out of control.  

Quick update. (Sorry I posted this on the wrong board in the first place...guess I was thinking it was "sorta" tri related...oops.)

Funeral's Tuesday, family's backed off and cool with me not going. Think I'll send them some dinner gift certificates in a couple of months after the flowers have wilted and the people are gone.

It sounds like it worked out for you and your family. Expect some backlash but in the end you did what you needed to do and it was hard but you did it.

Now you need to concentrate on Line. You need to prepare yourself for this weekend mentally and physically. How are you doing with you right now? You don't have to answer me but you do have to tell you this info

I'm leaning toward the fly out after the race camp. To repeat what has already been said, if you honestly can't afford it, then you can't afford it and stay home. But if you can, suck it up and go. Several years ago I went to one funeral for a family member that I didn't like, all the way across the country, and am glad I did. I got to know many relatives that I do like much better as a result and have been in much closer contact with them than I would have been otherwise. After I broke off my engagement the emails from one of them were a huge support. I isn't just about supporting your dad and making a good show. It isn't even about your immediate family. It is about being part of a family. Even if this person was poison, even if your immediate family relationships aren't great, this is still your family.