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2012-06-09 11:00 AM


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Subject: Will training logs save my marriage?

Training for a Sprint or three this Summer. Hit my first major roadblock:

Trying to find the balance between being a good family man, a healthy adult, and a competitive amateur athlete. Last night my wife asked why I do this. Then she said that she thinks it's weird that I go out for two hours after the kids are in bed at night. "Where, who with, etc...". To be honest, I do 99% of my training hours alone, and never with any other females, which is what I think wifey is most concerned about. 

I am not training for IM, Half, or even on Oly (yet). My training miles pale in comparison to what I've read here and elsewhere. I do plan on ramping things up to be able to finish these longer distance events, but I'm not sure the family is on board. I tried to rationalize that I would like to be a positive role model for the kids, and I think that two hours riding or running after bedtime is much better for the family than, say, two hours at the bar. 

Any advice from the BT community on these types of issues? 



2012-06-09 11:20 AM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?

Armchair psychologist here, but I suspect your wife wants to spend more time with you, and that includes the 2 hours after the kids are asleep. 

 

It really shouldn't be an issue as to where you were - when you get home all sweaty and yucky from your workout, or smelling like chlorine, it's pretty clear where you've been for the past 2 hours. If she still has doubts, just get a Garmin and show here the GPS log, but if it comes to that, I'd address issue #1 first. 

 

Training with wife and kids can be hard, gotta find that delicate balance.

2012-06-09 11:30 AM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?

While there is  definately no substitute for trust in a relationship, keeping logs sure is an option and  sutle reassurance sure doesn't hurt either, I train a lot alone, but I do train in a club with lots af other opposite sex members as well, I take my wife out to group training events on occasion to ease her mind and to get to know the people I train with, an example last wednesday's OWS she came out and took Photo's and hung out with the dogs ( substitute kids). and visited with the coaches and other spouses, some other husbands and wives who arn't into triathlon but are supportive of there Sig other's sometimes come out.

When training solo most of the time I train out of the house so bike's and runs start and end at home and if you can't tell I have been training then you have to be a blind person and the garmin will back it up, about the only time I go out away from home is to do the swim at the pool and I am returning with a chlorine soaked body and bathing suit, I train at lunch as well and am bringing home a bag full of stinking workout clothes every night.

I can definately see this as an issue in a newer relationship because even after 38 years it still come up in mine from time to time, maybe some of the younger guys or gals have something to add as to how they deal with it in there relationships.



Edited by RRH_88 2012-06-09 11:33 AM
2012-06-09 11:39 AM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?
Same here, I try to get most of my long stuff done on the weekends EARLY, like 2,3,4am early, as to not interfere with some fam time! I have never given my wife one reason, EVER, to not trust me but it used to come up ALOT, in the beginning and I just started this about 3 years ago.....been married 17. It has mostly gone away, as time has passed and my wife completely understands how driven I am. I think she knows I would take a 14 mile run over a "piece a strange" any day of the week! I think if you just keep pluggin' away, the trust factor will take over, and it should go away. I live on the notion, they usually trust us more than they let on But, yes, keep loggin' that data!

Edited by todds 2012-06-09 11:39 AM
2012-06-09 11:41 AM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?
My husband knows who I train with and that helps a lot. Also after a while the training becomes a routine so my husband knows the routine.
2012-06-09 11:56 AM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?
Been there.

You probably think she should be cool about it because you have buddies who go to the bar 3 times a week and spend their saturdays golfing for 6 hours.

She probably only sees that you are taking away from time together.

If you are used to spending most of your free time together, starting a hobby is a strain.


2012-06-09 12:07 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?

This comes up occasionally on this forum. Do a search but usually the threads get nasty and are pulled. Balance is tough. Men try to fix problems, women need emotional support. I would consider counseling before it gets out of control. 

To answer the original question: NO

2012-06-09 12:17 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?

First off, look at the positive - she cares!!

Finding the balance that you ask about can be very difficult.  I was asked how I balance training, work, and family a couple months ago by a young person who really wants to excel in all three.  After sleeping on the question, my response was that it might not be possible.   After all if you want to be at the top, you will have competitors in work, triathlon, and relationships (meaning so and so's husband does.....)  that are willing to give it their all.    That one aspect of their life is their everything.  So once again it comes down to compromises and choices.

When I started the long hours of IM training a few years ago, I would commonly hear people say - you have a very understanding wife.  I would smile and think I sure do.  I finally realized the translation to that was - I feel sorry for your wife.

Open communication and shared goals can go a long way.

2012-06-09 12:19 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?
Have you thought about inviting your wife to join you on your workouts?  If you have kids, so you training together is not an option, how about investing in a treadmill so that you can tag-team and still be around each other?
2012-06-09 12:23 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?
No. Training logs don't save marriages. Honest communication about needs and the emotions associated with them keep marriages from needing to be saved. Sometimes an objective third party is really good at fostering that communication.

Listen first before you justify. Ask more questions than the rationalizations you want to provide.

It does get easier. My kids are 17 and 19 and have there own lives that no longer require our involvement (don't get me wrong, we still attend all events that showcase how amazing they are). My wife has her own hobbies that take about as much time per week as my training does. My training partners (men and women) have become our mutual friends ... just as her weird theater people have become.

She has also met all the whacky internet people I've come to know from another running focused discussion forum. Again ... both men and women. She doesn't feel the need to go to all my events, and I don't go to all of hers (acting).  But we attend most of them.

If one of us is feeling a loss of connection, we talk about it and schedule it in. This might result in one or two missed scheduled workouts per month. But it usually results in very good substitute workouts, if you know what I mean.

(sex
2012-06-09 12:32 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?
This isn't about training, IMO.



2012-06-09 12:33 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?
take her (the family) to some races to support you. I knew after the first race my wife was hooked when she said she wanted to be my roadie That doesn't mean that she doesn't give me that look sometimes when she thinks I'm working out too hard or too much. Then we get a bottle of wine and talk about it, usually since I keep pretty steady training hours per week it is something that I am neglecting or she just wanted some attention (although I guess that is neglecting also) just remember, you have plenty of time to be the competitive athlete, getting older you get the wisdom of when to push, use that wisdom in planning races and family recover time in between. The competition will still be there next year, you want your family to be there with you...
2012-06-09 12:34 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?

BernardDogs - 2012-06-09 1:23 PM No. Training logs don't save marriages. Honest communication about needs and the emotions associated with them keep marriages from needing to be saved. Sometimes an objective third party is really good at fostering that communication.

Listen first before you justify. Ask more questions than the rationalizations you want to provide.

It does get easier. My kids are 17 and 19 and have there own lives that no longer require our involvement (don't get me wrong, we still attend all events that showcase how amazing they are). My wife has her own hobbies that take about as much time per week as my training does. My training partners (men and women) have become our mutual friends ... just as her weird theater people have become.

She has also met all the whacky internet people I've come to know from another running focused discussion forum. Again ... both men and women. She doesn't feel the need to go to all my events, and I don't go to all of hers (acting).  But we attend most of them.

If one of us is feeling a loss of connection, we talk about it and schedule it in. This might result in one or two missed scheduled workouts per month. But it usually results in very good substitute workouts, if you know what I mean.

(sex

Well said.  She may be trying to communicate something else to you.  Try to find out exactly what she is concerned about and go from there.  When I started my wife was concerned that because I was getting into phenomenal shape that I would find her less desirable.  We talked about this and now she is my biggest fan.....and I am hers.  



Edited by rsmoylan 2012-06-09 12:35 PM
2012-06-09 12:38 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?
Marriage seems to have issues that go far deeper than your tri training.
2012-06-09 12:40 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?
Nope.  This isn't about you training, you could be doing anything with those two hours a night and it'd be a problem.  Just because you choose a healthy addiction/hobby over an unhealthy one doesn't mean she isn't feeling left out.  The problem is that you aren't spending time with her while the kids are asleep.  She needs/wants/deserves time alone with her husband IMO.  I get up early to workout and do 2-3 workouts a day on days I'm off and my wife is working so that we have time together.  Show that you are making an effort to train when everyone is asleep, like 0500, and spend an hour after the kids go to bed  training and you get an hour with the wife/adult alone time and are still getting two hours of working out a day.  If you want to do longer distances you will need her on board.
2012-06-09 12:43 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?
I've only been married a couple of years but I will throw in a couple of thoughts. First and foremost as you probably already know is that family comes first with our hobbies somewhere down the line. When you start to account for drive time, changing time, actual training time, it ends up being a lot more time away from family than we think. My wife is very understanding, however I do everything I can to try and minimize my time away from family. I do lots of training early morning or even when she's at work. I try to make my shorter workouts when she's actually home so as to not lose to much time with her. I place the burden on me to wake up at 4:00 to do a long run or ride so by the time she gets up I'm about done. Just remember, a 60 minute pool workout is usually closer to 2 hours away time when you add in drive time, changing etc.As far as trust issues go, we have done things to help build up the trust. We got rid of Facebook a couple of years ago just to have one less stressor. I also stopped playing on my co-Ed soccer team. My wife and family come first And it's my job to show them they come first. I do highly recommend what one of the above posters stated. Have your wife join you on some of your workouts. Even if it's just a short recovery. My wife loves jumping in the pool with me. We both get to get our exercise in, and more importantly we are spending time together.


2012-06-09 1:09 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?

This kind of sounds like a few things to me.  Trust and perhaps a little jealousy.  When she is asking you who you are training with, etc that sounds like she has some trust issues.  I don't think training logs are going to help this.  Perhaps she could drive the "sag wagon" on one of your longer rides, and see exactly what you are doing and where you are going.  Although, these questions are something that shouldn't be on her mind if she truly trusts in your relationship.  

Second jealousy.  I say this ONLY because I have been there.  When my husband started training for his first HIM, he was always gone, and I felt like I was always home with the kids, and didn't have anything for myself but the title of wife and mom and maid.  It wasn't until I talked to my husband about it, and realized that I had goals and ambitions in my own running which I myself put to the side.  It had nothing to do with him, it was me not taking time for myself.  As soon as I realized that I had the option of working out a schedule with him so that we spend time together and with the kids, it was SO much better.  Communication was the key! 

Now, we both train.  I will run in the earlier evening around 6pm while he bathes the kids.  By the time I get home, I see them off to bed, and we hang out for a couple hours.  Then he goes and runs.  I get up early so I can get my swim training in and he swims on his lunch hour.  We bike together and put the kids in the burly, while my oldest starts working on her triathlon skills.  We spend time as a family doing it together.  

Maybe she feels little like she needs something in her life, whether it is working out, or some sort of hobby that hasn't been communicated.  She might feel that your training is taking up all free time and wants some time for herself too.  It might be coming out in the form of mistrust when all you need to do is communicate a little bit more.  



Edited by ecozenmama 2012-06-09 1:11 PM
2012-06-09 1:37 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?

You might want to consider doing your training in the early morning hours before everyone gets up.  That way you have the evenings to relax and spend time together.  (Keep in mind, you may not be able to stay up too late!)

I've been married 24 years this year.  Striking a balance is hard.  Work it out now so if you want to train for longer distances in the future she'll have your back.

I train in the early mornings, and leave at least one weekend morning for "sleeping in" and having beach time and a nice breakfast.  On Sunday afternoons my husband shoots, so that is a great time block for me to get in a quality workout.  It also helps a bit if both of you have a hobby.

2012-06-09 1:53 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?
Training logs will not save a marriage. Open honest communication makes a great marriage. Sit down with your wife and ask her how she sees your training fitting in with your family life. For the most part I try to do all my trading when my husband is sleeping or working ( we have no children ). And yes I also work full time. I also have gotten him evolved. He will bike with me. We even did a 5k together. The only thing I had do was promise to stay with he which was not a big deal.
2012-06-09 2:12 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?
Communicate, communicate, communicate.  That's all that will work.  Be clear as to what your schedule looks like and be flexible.  If the evening hours are an issue than maybe the morning hours are OK.  I do all of my "key" workouts in the morning for this reason and when I'm too tired to get out of bed at 4am I sometimes have to tell my wife "I need some extra sleep - mind if I run/bike/or swim after work?".  Remember this is just a hobby!  Oh and a trainer and treadmill can be lifesavers I've found!
2012-06-09 2:52 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?
DiOnMaui - 2012-06-09 1:37 PM

You might want to consider doing your training in the early morning hours before everyone gets up.  That way you have the evenings to relax and spend time together.  (Keep in mind, you may not be able to stay up too late!)

I've been married 24 years this year.  Striking a balance is hard.  Work it out now so if you want to train for longer distances in the future she'll have your back.

I train in the early mornings, and leave at least one weekend morning for "sleeping in" and having beach time and a nice breakfast.  On Sunday afternoons my husband shoots, so that is a great time block for me to get in a quality workout.  It also helps a bit if both of you have a hobby.

This is me. My kids are getting older now but I have always run early in the morning before anyone gets up. I work lots of hours so this is the only plan that doesn't take away time from the wife and family. You adjust to a little less sleep, 5-6 hour nights with a nap Sunday afternoon ) My wife thinks I'm crazy, I just tell her, like the song says "I'm gonna live while I'm alive, sleep when I'm dead !" 

Cool



2012-06-09 3:05 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?

My husband sometimes doesn't love the amount of time I spend trainng, but he has never questioned where I am, or even once considered that it may NOT be training after all.  He is pretty secure in that regard.  So on the trust issue, can't help you there, sounds like you need to work on bigger issues than that.

I try to train almost exclusively when my kids are asleep, either early morning, or late at night after bed.  They hardly realize other than Saturday mornings when I am on long runs/rides, that I train, because it doesn't occur when they are awake.  My husband and I have talked about this, and he thinks it is more important to be around when they are awake.

My husband isn't into tris, or sports at all (participating anyway), but I am always supportive of his hobbies, I never tell him no on a fishing trip or golfing weekend he wants to take, or if he wants to go watch a game at a friend's house.  I think that we have a good balance of give/take, but it has taken 3 years to hit a good balance.

Good luck.  If you have to show logs to make her feel better about where/what your up to, you have way bigger issues than the training.

2012-06-09 4:02 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?

I train first thing in the morning 5a-6:30 while the rest of the house (wife and 4 kids) are still asleep. It takes a little getting use to; however, the body will adapt.

Me and a couple of guys have an agreement. If we post a workout and there are girls that say they are joining us, I better get a text if they have to pull a "no show". Not that anything is going to happen. It's just that we respect our wives and we don't want to be put in the situation.

If I were you, I'd switch to morning workouts so you can spend time with the wife when the kids are asleep.

2012-06-09 4:08 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?
skibummer - 2012-06-09 12:00 PM

Training for a Sprint or three this Summer. Hit my first major roadblock:

Trying to find the balance between being a good family man, a healthy adult, and a competitive amateur athlete. Last night my wife asked why I do this. Then she said that she thinks it's weird that I go out for two hours after the kids are in bed at night. "Where, who with, etc...". To be honest, I do 99% of my training hours alone, and never with any other females, which is what I think wifey is most concerned about. 

I am not training for IM, Half, or even on Oly (yet). My training miles pale in comparison to what I've read here and elsewhere. I do plan on ramping things up to be able to finish these longer distance events, but I'm not sure the family is on board. I tried to rationalize that I would like to be a positive role model for the kids, and I think that two hours riding or running after bedtime is much better for the family than, say, two hours at the bar. 

Any advice from the BT community on these types of issues? 

 

Havent read all the other posts yet, but I'm right with ya....wife thinks I'm a looney and not feeling the IM that I want to do next year

2012-06-09 4:30 PM
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Subject: RE: Will training logs save my marriage?

FELTGood - 2012-06-09 4:08 PM

Havent read all the other posts yet, but I'm right with ya....wife thinks I'm a looney and not feeling the IM that I want to do next year

Wife thought the same thing until we volunteered IMFL (finish line). After we were done, she told me I was doing this.  I said, 'Yes ma'am."

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