As my legs started moving, my knee began to ache. I knew pretty quickly there would be no pushing the pace today. I adjusted my stride until the landings hurt the least. It was kind of a run-limp thing. I checked the Garmin occasionally and saw that even with my modified gait, I wasn't moving all that slow - not ideal, but manageable.

Due to the nature of the event, there were a number of people there unfamiliar with running etiquette, so dodging people and avoiding collisions was challenging at times, as some participants would take sudden turns sideways across the course or stop immediately in front of others. Numerous runners also unashamedly cut across parking lots at each intersection - I expected the eating part to be a little crazy, but even the running portion was a free for all. Nevertheless, as we approached the store, I was nearing 25 minutes, so if I could eat in 10 minutes and maintain the pace on the way back, I could still make it in an hour.

As the tables of doughnuts came into view, the chaos intensified as the anarchic nature of the crowd was suddenly focused in one spot. It became difficult to move at all, much less move with anything approximating a run or even a jog. I weaved my way to a volunteer who handed me a box of doughnuts. Navigating the crowd to find some open space to eat became even more difficult as many people stopped right where they picked up their doughnuts to eat, rather than moving to the side or away from the crowd - it was mass chaos.

After a couple of minutes, I managed to find some open space at a gas station across the street. There was a hedge about waist high that was the perfect height to set the box on and get to eating. I opened the box and went to work. I had figured that I could smash four together and do that three times to be the most efficient. The first couple of bites went down easily, almost pleasant, even though I normally can't tolerate solid food after running. I turned to a couple of guys next to me and joked, 'so, where are you guys going for breakfast after this is over?' One responded, 'I'm thinking an all you can eat place'. Great response, especially under the circumstances of shared discomfort and anticipated misery - gallows humor is always a winner in these times. I finished the first set of four and wished I was done - that wasn't too bad. However, the satisfaction was fleeting as I looked at the box and knew that I still had eight (eight!) left to go.

The second set of four became fairly challenging pretty quickly. The bites went down slower and slower and a feeling of dread emerged as it was time to take the next bite. By the time I choked down set number two, I really, really wished that I was done. Alas, there were still four more to go. I also looked at my watch and saw that I had been eating for close to ten minutes already. At that point, my time goal went out the window and I just focused on getting through it, hopefully without re-depositing them in the parking lot or along the course on the way back.

I started set number three, and it became a battle of will. Each bite was more difficult and disgusting than the last, and I felt each time like I couldn't take another one. But I continued...and continued...and continued... and finally I had one last bite remaining. I stared at it for a few seconds and wondered if I was going to be able to do it. Something that appeared so sweet and innocent only minutes ago had now grown into what appeared to be an invincible nemesis. As I stared it down, I vowed that only one of us was getting out of here alive - this was survival. I took a deep breath and pushed it into my mouth. I chewed a while and finally swallowed. Finished at last! I looked at my watch and saw that I spent 14 minutes during the eating portion - too long. I took my empty box and headed for the challenger chute to record the time.

The route back is a bit of a blur - sugar, fat, and endorphins can cause delirium, apparently. It is a little hillier than the way out and my motivation to run was waning with no time goal within reach. I pressed on, full and uncomfortable, but not 'sick' in the conventional sense. I walked a few of the hills and counted down the distance until the finish line came into view. As I neared the end, I realized that I had completely forgotten to watch for piles of vomit on the way back (I had been warned to look out based on previous race reports, and had even worn old shoes to prepare for the possibility). However, as soon as I came across the finish line, there they were. I gingerly stepped around the hazards until I was safely off the course and on my way back to the hotel. I was happy to have finished but disappointed to not make the one hour time goal. A bad knee and inability to eat faster did me in.

I don't think I could have done anything differently on event day. My knee was shaky, and there wasn't much I could do with it. As for the eating - no clue. Attempting to eat any faster could have made for an ugly situation, be it at the race site, the hotel, or the rental car.

I walked the short distance back to the hotel, cleaned up (there was glaze everywhere, including on my camera), and drove back to Charlotte. I felt a little queasy until mid-morning the next day.


Shaky knee, narrow esophagus, and functioning gag reflex


This was a fun event to do once just to say you did it. It was a spectacle and it was for a good cause (North Carolina Children's hospital). You just can't take it too seriously - and really, if you take yourself that seriously as a runner, why are you signing up for a five mile doughnut run? I recommend the race as it is fun and well run. I felt I was well suited for it. I have done runs of all distances and I am no stranger to overeating. A meal doesn't end when I am full. A meal ends when I hate myself (credit to Louis C.K. for this joke) I reached that 'hate myself' stage on doughnuts 4-8 and hated life in general on doughnuts 9-12. It presented a unique challenge that I wasn't as prepared for as I had thought. I think it is better for those with 20-30 year old metabolisms - I would have enjoyed it more during the college years. Taking this on at age 42 was probably not the best timing, but I did it anyway. Likely never again...