Funny things your kids say

Okay, a funny story about my daughter from when she was about 2-1/2...

We were on a highway, approaching the back-up from the afternoon rush-hour. My daughter was in the back seat, her mom in the front passenger seat asleep, I was driving. Just after we stopped at the end of the back-up, we got rear-ended. Daughter's mom wakes up, "What was that?"

I respond, "We just got rear-ended."

"That scared the cr@p out of me."

Okay, we deal with the aftermath, and daughter is pretty much silent throughout.

Fast forward a couple days, we're driving around the town trying to get around road closures for a local parade. As we're nearing an alley-way, a kid comes running out and across the road. No big deal, he was far enough ahead of us. Just as we're AT the alley, a cop car comes bolting out, no siren, and out into the road. I jam on the brakes.

My daughter announces from the back seat, "That scared me out of cr@p!"

When my son was a toddler he came running in from the garage and said his first full sentence "Mommy, I eat doggie food!".

Last night I had to get after my daughter as her answer to everything we asked of her was whining and screaming. On the way to religion class my sons says "Mom, I love you even when you're big and scary". Bwahahaha, I said - you mean even when my voice gets big and scary? He said yes,  I still love you. I said that's very nice and I love you even when you have bad manners, fuss and whine at me all day .

My daughter was rubbing the puppies belly and said "I know it. He's a wiener dog. That's cuz he has a wiener."

At the dinner table my daughter who is three.

Sarah "Bricey Bricey Bricey"

Me "Who is Bricey"

Sarah "He's a cutie"

Me "Whaaaaat??"

Sarah "He's a cutie!"

One more....

So I pick my son up at school and on the way out he sees a sports car. 

"Dad, what kind of car is that?" 

"That's an Audi."

J's response....

"Do they make an innie?"

BWAAAHAHAHAHAHA!  Almost spit my morning coffee out on that one!

The 6yo's soccer program gets everyone together after each practice and lets them stand up and tell a joke.  So he is always trying to come up with something funny, he rarely does.  The 3yo is always listening and laughing, even if they aren't funny.  This weekend, she gave it a go:

"Daddy, what do you call a bug's bottom?"

"A behind."

We lost it.  Needless to say, after our reaction, I've been hearing it about 20 times a day since.

I picked up my four year old from school yesterday. Put him in the car and the first thing he says is "Daddy, are my toys real, or are they pretend"?

Isn't 4 yrs old too early to start with the philosophical questions?

Mind you, this is the same 4 yr old that I taught to say this:

Me: You are sooooo big

Him: That's what she said

(I know, I am going to parent's hell).

Ironically enough (or maybe just because it was intentially written that way) his name before loosing his wand was captain Hook, captain James Hook to be more exact.

I am taking my son (5 at the time) downtown to my office.  We are on the train and he decides to let out some gas.

He says to me not so quietly, "I just farted."   I said "Nice what don't you tell the whole train."   He gets up and proceeds to tell the whole train of his exploits.  Proud moment.

I pulled into McDonald's one day driving home from the coast.  I asked my then 2.5 yo if she wanted a hamburger and she replied yes "with nothing on it."  So I ordered a kids hamburger "plain and dry."  Shortly after giving her the meal and pulling back onto the road, I see her in the rear-view mirror waiving the hamburger patty at me and exclaiming "I said I didn't want anything on it."  Turns out that she just wanted the bun.

When my son was 3, his favorite Thomas the Train was Percy.  He loves the color green so it made sense.  The only problem was the way he pronounced Percy.  More like P U double S Y.  My husband was under strict orders to never let Percy leave the house because I did not want my son asking for him in public!

Having 3 young boys I could go on all day about their hilarious comments, 2 stand out though.

1 - My youngest son (3) walks in on my wife in the restroom during a very specific week during the month.  He proceeds to run out of the room to find me screaming "Mommy's penis is broken! It fell off and now she has 2 butts!  I was on the floor in tears

2 - I once made a comment about the Pick-Up-Stix near my work always being full of police officers.  This is mostly due to the fact that there is also a large police station down the street.  A couple months later, my oldest (6) notices a parking lot full of police cars all congregated before a parade.  He yells out from the back seat, "Man, there must be a Pick-Up-Stix nearby with all those cops around!"  We had to pull over to get control of ourselves.

I've wondered that myself.

When my son was 5, we were playing a game of Candyland with him.  He pulled a card, landed on Lord Licorice's spot, and muttered to himself "Je$us f'ing Chr!st".

A year later, and we have him in a pretty integrated kindergarten.  He's picked up some interesting things at school, but this one was a doozy.  He was playing a board game (those games get this kid in trouble) with his little cousin, and after she won he said with 100% sincerity and in the sweetest little voice "aww, good job n-word".  

Thankfully, after a short talk about inappropriate language, he has yet to repeat either phrase.

1)  Playing a board game with wife and kids one night.  There's always a bit of mild trash talking going on.  My son L (10) looks at me on one of his turns and says, "Dad, I'm gonna clean your closet!"  

"It's clock, L, clock."  So we say "clean your closet" all the time now.  It's inside family humor.

2)  Oldest 3 kids are at the table.  They're talking about the difference between needs and wants.  Oldest son L is describing needs like water, air etc.  2nd son J says wants are like the Wii, Legos, etc.  I'm just listening in when daughter K (6)  thoughtfully pipes up "I need my wants!"