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2015-01-29 9:30 PM
in reply to: neuronet

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

I think you need to be honest with yourself and ask if you are being selfish? I don't know your training schedule so I cant say. 

But I like others train around my family. I run at lunchtime, I swim early, I commute by bike. Five days a week I absorb my training into the work schedule. On the weekends for long rides and runs I leave early so I can be back by noon or soon after. I almost always take one day off on the weekends as well family time only! 

It is easy to get wrapped up in training. It is therapeutic, its intense, it is fun!! Put your family first and it will show. Put triathlon first and it will show. 

 

But I stand by my first statement do you think your are being selfish? 

 

I was once told a power statement that relates to the kind of question above. It goes like this: If you are worried about your job you probably should be. 

 

If you are worried about being selfish. you probably should be. 

 

 

 



2015-01-30 5:57 AM
in reply to: TJHammer

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Originally posted by TJHammer

Hating being around someone does not mean you hate the person. It may simply mean you hate what they currently symbolize or conjure up in you.
Address that in yourself first, resolve it truthfully and then you can most likely more effectively discuss details with them.

It is also not a crime to feel drained and unmotivated because of children (#1 - they do, in many ways, suck the life out of you).
I don't think recognizing this inner conflict between that aspect of your children and your personal desire to have your own training etc. is as bad as some people are making it out to be. What one person's balance is, may be another's imbalance. You have to find it for yourself and still meet your responsibilities. If this personal endeavor into consuming training is something that manifested after marriage and children then therein lies the divide.
Don't think everyone will be pleased all the time if that's the case. Best you can probably hope for is happiest middle ground you can find. That requires understanding of everyone's needs and probably best verbalized to each other (except for the children, depending on age,they can't exactly verbalize needs well)

If it is WHO YOU WERE prior to marriage, then did he understand what made you who you are beforehand? What changed?
If it is who you were prior to being a mother, then, for sure, you're wise enough to understand that things can't possibly be the same with responsibilities of motherhood.

Good luck, hope you find that balance and (still achieve personal success within that)


While I agree with most of what you say, I disagree with your comments on children. I cant imagine how they suck the life out of you. Before you have kids, you need to realize that your life is going to change. Period. If you did not think that through before having kids, well, then thats another issue.
2015-01-30 11:14 AM
in reply to: hessma

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Children are a drain on one's physical and emotional energy. I have worked now over 17 years with city youth as a health teacher and no one I have met argues that point. If you don't find yourself exhausted from dedication to children then maybe you're just darn lucky
2015-01-30 11:50 AM
in reply to: TJHammer

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Originally posted by TJHammer

Children are a drain on one's physical and emotional energy. I have worked now over 17 years with city youth as a health teacher and no one I have met argues that point. If you don't find yourself exhausted from dedication to children then maybe you're just darn lucky


Maybe having an only child is different. he's has always been great kid and I have not had to deal with many of the issues I hear from many parents. Maybe a better word than "draining" is time consuming. I had little time to do what I wanted to do, other than the necessities. I did everything with my son....sports, school activites, etc.....never missed one. I was tired at the end of the day, but no more than a normal day.
2015-01-30 1:18 PM
in reply to: neuronet

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

Originally posted by neuronet Good points. I know sometimes having a kid sucks. I want the freedom I used to have, but is gone. It's healthy to acknowledge these feelings. Otherwise they will come out in weird passive aggressive ways. What used to be a zero-thought decision/statement (I'm going on a six hour bike ride with friends, with zero notice) becomes a whole pain in the negotiation (What can I trade you so I can go out with my friends in two weeks). That's the deal I made with myself before having a child: I am going to give up freedom in return I will have a child. Is it worth it? Sometimes.

Heard an interesting book title and discussion on NPR today:

"All Joy and No Fun: the Paradox of Modern Parenting"

Article/interview here: http://www.npr.org/2014/01/24/265365876/a-parenting-paradox-how-kids-manage-to-be-all-joy-and-no-fun

2015-01-30 2:36 PM
in reply to: TJHammer

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

Originally posted by TJHammer Children are a drain on one's physical and emotional energy. I have worked now over 17 years with city youth as a health teacher and no one I have met argues that point. If you don't find yourself exhausted from dedication to children then maybe you're just darn lucky

Then I guess I'm just one lucky guy......my 5 children energize me!!  Or maybe I'm not lucky.....maybe I just figured out early on that raising them was the most important job in my life....and any result I could get from anything I do,  outside of raising happy, healthy, well adjusted people would pale in comparison to the feeling I get leading my children down life's roads.  My kids range in age from 35 to 14, with a set of twins at the bottom.  The experience of raising them cannot be duplicated in any other aspect of life.  It's life's greatest gift.



2015-01-30 2:40 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Originally posted by ratherbeswimming

Originally posted by neuronet Good points. I know sometimes having a kid sucks. I want the freedom I used to have, but is gone. It's healthy to acknowledge these feelings. Otherwise they will come out in weird passive aggressive ways. What used to be a zero-thought decision/statement (I'm going on a six hour bike ride with friends, with zero notice) becomes a whole pain in the negotiation (What can I trade you so I can go out with my friends in two weeks). That's the deal I made with myself before having a child: I am going to give up freedom in return I will have a child. Is it worth it? Sometimes.

Heard an interesting book title and discussion on NPR today:

"All Joy and No Fun: the Paradox of Modern Parenting"

Article/interview here: http://www.npr.org/2014/01/24/265365876/a-parenting-paradox-how-kids-manage-to-be-all-joy-and-no-fun




I guess I am different than most. Like I said, my son is grown and in college. My wife and I loved planning our time around his schedule. Did we sacrifice our time for him? Sure. Did I give up freedom? I dont think so, its what I expected before I became parent....different responsibilities, different social engagements, different social interactions. I never had to work a trade with my spouse, because I never gave it a second thought. it was an easy decision, such as, Do I play golf for 5 hours or do I go to my son's baseball game/double header? Easy decision and never a thought, the game was more important to me. That time with him was finite, its over and he is out of the house. I do not have one regret that I didnt spend the time with him that I did. And the relationship his mom and I have with him is stronger because of that. I play golf now 2-3 times a week and workout 6 days a week. Yes, its 18 years until you get to that point, but it was the best 18 years I've had.

Maybe I am in the minority on this question. I hope not, though.

Edited by hessma 2015-01-30 2:41 PM
2015-01-30 3:01 PM
in reply to: Left Brain

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Originally posted by Left Brain

Originally posted by TJHammer Children are a drain on one's physical and emotional energy. I have worked now over 17 years with city youth as a health teacher and no one I have met argues that point. If you don't find yourself exhausted from dedication to children then maybe you're just darn lucky

Then I guess I'm just one lucky guy......my 5 children energize me!!  Or maybe I'm not lucky.....maybe I just figured out early on that raising them was the most important job in my life....and any result I could get from anything I do,  outside of raising happy, healthy, well adjusted people would pale in comparison to the feeling I get leading my children down life's roads.  My kids range in age from 35 to 14, with a set of twins at the bottom.  The experience of raising them cannot be duplicated in any other aspect of life.  It's life's greatest gift.




Looks like we were writing the same thing at the same time. Glad I'm not alone here. Was beginning to think there was something wrong with me.
2015-01-30 3:07 PM
in reply to: rizztalah

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
I've got three kids ranging in age from 1 1/2 years up to 5 years and I can't say I've ever felt held back or suffocated by them. Yeah, they can get on your nerves (a lot some times), but they're the coolest fumiest little buggers you'd ever meet (not necessarily "my" kids, but your kids...i.e. kids are kind of like farts, you really only tolerate your own). It's just a scheduling issue for me, but I have a flexible job in which I work from home, so it's a bit easier I suppose. That and my wife has only recently started going back to work part time.

Honestly, I think that you need the time away from them as much as the time with them. My wife didn't start going back to work for financial reasons, it was more so she could have adult time away from the kids that was hers. That way, when she's home (which is still the majority of the time) she enjoys it more and is more engaged with the kids. For me, my time away is during workouts, so that is where I have my peace. Also, my time working out is where I get my real thinking done. I've solved more problems and come up with more ideas for work while on my bike or running than I ever do at my desk.

I couldn't imagine feeling burdened by them (right as I typed that last word, I got beckoned by a small voice to the bathroom...it sure isn't glamorous). I think my situation is a bit different though. I can't imagine how I would balance my current workout load, family and a regular 9-5 where I actually had to go into an office. I don't know that I'd be able to do it.
2015-01-30 3:26 PM
in reply to: Left Brain

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

 

Then I guess I'm just one lucky guy......my 5 children energize me!! 

Yes but at the end of the day after they were asleep were you still energized?  Ready to work out?  That's kind of how I took TJ's comments.  I wasn't reading it as a negative but in the context of this thread how you can be wiped out at the end of the day.  I guess I'm reading it optomistically.  Part of why I got back in shape when our first kid was born was to keep up!  And I'm losing!!!

 

2015-01-30 5:33 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

dp



Edited by Left Brain 2015-01-30 5:38 PM


2015-01-30 5:39 PM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

Originally posted by Goggles Pizzano

 

Then I guess I'm just one lucky guy......my 5 children energize me!! 

Yes but at the end of the day after they were asleep were you still energized?  Ready to work out?  That's kind of how I took TJ's comments.  I wasn't reading it as a negative but in the context of this thread how you can be wiped out at the end of the day.  I guess I'm reading it optomistically.  Part of why I got back in shape when our first kid was born was to keep up!  And I'm losing!!!

 

 Goggles -

We took our kids to the Y before they could walk.  They grew up there while we worked out.  They did the climbing wall, took swim lessons, tae kwon do, gymnastics, baseball, basketball, volleyball.....and activities I can't remember.  As they got older they biked with me, ran with me, and swam with me.  The only thing I did different from when they weren't around was find places we could go together and they'd be safe if I ran/biked ahead.  Now they outrun and out bike me.  My job was to be an example for my children, and the only way to do that job is to take them with you.....everywhere you can.  And the truth is, there aren't many places they can't go if you adjust for them.

At the end of the day when they go to bed I drink a few beers....the day is over.

 



Edited by Left Brain 2015-01-30 5:39 PM
2015-01-30 5:47 PM
in reply to: Left Brain

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
You're all proving a point: That, in and of itself, if done as a fully committed priority, parenting is most rewarding. For some, they'd rather have their own personal desires or priorities whatever they might be. I see DAILY, the resulting negative effects on children, the attempt at parenting has while NOT prioritizing the raising of the children. You have all prioritized parenting, and reaped multitude rewards from it. Woven into all your words is an element of SELF-sacrifice for the greater good/necessity of the children. A person so eager, or willing, or excited if you will, to make self-sacrifice to parent wholly, may in fact, not even see it as self-sacrifice (and some of you eluded to this). This herein lies the greatest challenge and potential conflict for the parent who still desires much in the way of personal desire/time/ambition. This is what I was trying to form into words to possibly help the original poster.

2015-01-30 6:38 PM
in reply to: TJHammer

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

Originally posted by TJHammer You're all proving a point: That, in and of itself, if done as a fully committed priority, parenting is most rewarding. For some, they'd rather have their own personal desires or priorities whatever they might be. I see DAILY, the resulting negative effects on children, the attempt at parenting has while NOT prioritizing the raising of the children. You have all prioritized parenting, and reaped multitude rewards from it. Woven into all your words is an element of SELF-sacrifice for the greater good/necessity of the children. A person so eager, or willing, or excited if you will, to make self-sacrifice to parent wholly, may in fact, not even see it as self-sacrifice (and some of you eluded to this). This herein lies the greatest challenge and potential conflict for the parent who still desires much in the way of personal desire/time/ambition. This is what I was trying to form into words to possibly help the original poster.

I see your point.  Thanks.  I guess I just don't understand people who don't find parenting as much fun and as rewarding as I do.  Why have kids?  You are right, there is no self-sacrifice in it for me.....it simply is my life right now, and it's a blast.

2015-01-30 9:54 PM
in reply to: Left Brain

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Originally posted by Left Brain

Originally posted by Goggles Pizzano

 

Then I guess I'm just one lucky guy......my 5 children energize me!! 

Yes but at the end of the day after they were asleep were you still energized?  Ready to work out?  That's kind of how I took TJ's comments.  I wasn't reading it as a negative but in the context of this thread how you can be wiped out at the end of the day.  I guess I'm reading it optomistically.  Part of why I got back in shape when our first kid was born was to keep up!  And I'm losing!!!

 

 Goggles -

We took our kids to the Y before they could walk.  They grew up there while we worked out.  They did the climbing wall, took swim lessons, tae kwon do, gymnastics, baseball, basketball, volleyball.....and activities I can't remember.  As they got older they biked with me, ran with me, and swam with me.  The only thing I did different from when they weren't around was find places we could go together and they'd be safe if I ran/biked ahead.  Now they outrun and out bike me.  My job was to be an example for my children, and the only way to do that job is to take them with you.....everywhere you can.  And the truth is, there aren't many places they can't go if you adjust for them.

At the end of the day when they go to bed I drink a few beers....the day is over.

 

Very similar. My son thinks the Y pool is pretty much his pool and he's been in swim lessons there since about 1 and 1/2. Who knows one day I'll be posting about him like you do with Jr. There's no doubt he'll be out running me soon, biking probably but swim he's got some work to do to beat me but the genes are there. That's a ways off, at least that's my goal. Although he's a freakn motor boat with the kick already. Ironically what's really funny is I got home from a swim, cracked a beer and figured Id check out BT. Gotta get up early tomorrow they both have swim lessons in the AM.....
2015-01-31 8:21 AM
in reply to: Gregwarro

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Originally posted by Gregwarro

 

If you are worried about your job you probably should be. 

 

If you are worried about being selfish. you probably should be. 

 

 

 




I don't know why I'm still reading this post, but I'll say this and leave it. A mother feeling selfish does not necessarily equate to a selfish mother. I can't speak for the rest of you, especially the men, but I am racked with guilt every time I leave my kids, and husband, to train, though I know it benefits all of us for me to do so...in moderation.


2015-01-31 9:13 AM
in reply to: TJHammer

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Originally posted by TJHammer

You're all proving a point: That, in and of itself, if done as a fully committed priority, parenting is most rewarding. For some, they'd rather have their own personal desires or priorities whatever they might be. I see DAILY, the resulting negative effects on children, the attempt at parenting has while NOT prioritizing the raising of the children. You have all prioritized parenting, and reaped multitude rewards from it. Woven into all your words is an element of SELF-sacrifice for the greater good/necessity of the children. A person so eager, or willing, or excited if you will, to make self-sacrifice to parent wholly, may in fact, not even see it as self-sacrifice (and some of you eluded to this). This herein lies the greatest challenge and potential conflict for the parent who still desires much in the way of personal desire/time/ambition. This is what I was trying to form into words to possibly help the original poster.




thanks, makes sense what you are saying. I can only say that I have never felt it as self sacrifice. Being single/dating in my 20's was one way to live, having a child in my early 30's meant my life was going to change, but it never felt like sacrifice, it was a change in lifestyle that comes with having kids. Now that I am in my mid/late 40's and he is in college, my lifestyle has changed again. Every phase in my life has been a blast. I think life is what you make of it.
2015-01-31 11:49 AM
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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Folks who are always joyous and living in Martha Stewart-like 1950s plastic bliss with their kids, that's wonderful. I am genuinely happy for you. Funny that it seems to be mostly males posting that have this perspective on parenthood.

But you should realize there are a lot of different experiences: all situations are different for personal, economic, and other reasons. To come into such a thread, and in response to someone struggling with things, to come in and post how you never struggle with those things. How is that helpful? It comes off as rubbing it in, piling on, and frankly a bit callous.

Many folks in families with two people working full time, who both have hobbies that they don't want to entirely give up, it can be a real struggle to negotiate the commitment required for their kids. This is not some bizarre phenomenon, but fairly ubiquitous. It doesn't mean you don't love your kids, or that you regret having them. It just means that the juggling act can be very difficult, and it is very common for resentments and anger to surface, especially when one person feels like they are taking on more than their fair share.

Part of dealing with that is acknowledging the problem, and looking for concrete solutions.

One thing this thread proves to me: no way I would express personal problems in this forum! Here's how it would go...

"I broke my leg in a car accident and my dog died."

"I have never had a broken leg"

"My dog has been healthy for 30 years and actually brings me breakfast in bed."

"I have never even seen a car accident, because I am just an awesome driver, and everyone I know is too!"

"When I'm sad I just stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story."




Edited by neuronet 2015-01-31 11:52 AM
2015-01-31 12:08 PM
in reply to: neuronet

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

Originally posted by neuronet Folks who are always joyous and living in Martha Stewart-like 1950s plastic bliss with their kids, that's wonderful. I am genuinely happy for you. Funny that it seems to be mostly males posting that have this perspective on parenthood. But you should realize there are a lot of different experiences: all situations are different for personal, economic, and other reasons. To come into such a thread, and in response to someone struggling with things, to come in and post how you never struggle with those things. How is that helpful? It comes off as rubbing it in, piling on, and frankly a bit callous. Many folks in families with two people working full time, who both have hobbies that they don't want to entirely give up, it can be a real struggle to negotiate the commitment required for their kids. This is not some bizarre phenomenon, but fairly ubiquitous. It doesn't mean you don't love your kids, or that you regret having them. It just means that the juggling act can be very difficult, and it is very common for resentments and anger to surface, especially when one person feels like they are taking on more than their fair share. Part of dealing with that is acknowledging the problem, and looking for concrete solutions. One thing this thread proves to me: no way I would express personal problems in this forum! Here's how it would go... "I broke my leg in a car accident and my dog died." "I have never had a broken leg" "My dog has been healthy for 30 years and actually brings me breakfast in bed." "I have never even seen a car accident, because I am just an awesome driver, and everyone I know is too!" "When I'm sad I just stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story."

Not to be callous, but the struggle ends when you decide that your commitment to your children is first and not something to negotiate.....you just do it because that's the responsibility you took on when you had them.  I'm sure for some it is more joyous than it is for others, for some of the reasons you listed, but the responsibility doesn't change....and sometimes it means giving up what you want to do to support your children's goals and ambitions (hopefully you have instilled the idea that they should have some).

My original comment was that if you get aggravated being around your spouse and children you have a much bigger problem than trying to find time to take care of your own interests. My advice was to work on the first problem first.  I'm sticking with it.

2015-01-31 12:44 PM
in reply to: neuronet

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

Originally posted by neuronet Folks who are always joyous and living in Martha Stewart-like 1950s plastic bliss with their kids, that's wonderful. I am genuinely happy for you. Funny that it seems to be mostly males posting that have this perspective on parenthood. But you should realize there are a lot of different experiences: all situations are different for personal, economic, and other reasons. To come into such a thread, and in response to someone struggling with things, to come in and post how you never struggle with those things. How is that helpful? It comes off as rubbing it in, piling on, and frankly a bit callous. Many folks in families with two people working full time, who both have hobbies that they don't want to entirely give up, it can be a real struggle to negotiate the commitment required for their kids. This is not some bizarre phenomenon, but fairly ubiquitous. It doesn't mean you don't love your kids, or that you regret having them. It just means that the juggling act can be very difficult, and it is very common for resentments and anger to surface, especially when one person feels like they are taking on more than their fair share. Part of dealing with that is acknowledging the problem, and looking for concrete solutions. One thing this thread proves to me: no way I would express personal problems in this forum! Here's how it would go... "I broke my leg in a car accident and my dog died." "I have never had a broken leg" "My dog has been healthy for 30 years and actually brings me breakfast in bed." "I have never even seen a car accident, because I am just an awesome driver, and everyone I know is too!" "When I'm sad I just stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story."


How dare people post their stories when they're positive!

2015-01-31 12:58 PM
in reply to: msteiner

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

Originally posted by msteiner

Originally posted by neuronet Folks who are always joyous and living in Martha Stewart-like 1950s plastic bliss with their kids, that's wonderful. I am genuinely happy for you. Funny that it seems to be mostly males posting that have this perspective on parenthood. But you should realize there are a lot of different experiences: all situations are different for personal, economic, and other reasons. To come into such a thread, and in response to someone struggling with things, to come in and post how you never struggle with those things. How is that helpful? It comes off as rubbing it in, piling on, and frankly a bit callous. Many folks in families with two people working full time, who both have hobbies that they don't want to entirely give up, it can be a real struggle to negotiate the commitment required for their kids. This is not some bizarre phenomenon, but fairly ubiquitous. It doesn't mean you don't love your kids, or that you regret having them. It just means that the juggling act can be very difficult, and it is very common for resentments and anger to surface, especially when one person feels like they are taking on more than their fair share. Part of dealing with that is acknowledging the problem, and looking for concrete solutions. One thing this thread proves to me: no way I would express personal problems in this forum! Here's how it would go... "I broke my leg in a car accident and my dog died." "I have never had a broken leg" "My dog has been healthy for 30 years and actually brings me breakfast in bed." "I have never even seen a car accident, because I am just an awesome driver, and everyone I know is too!" "When I'm sad I just stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story."


How dare people post their stories when they're positive!

You know you aggravated your mother.



2015-01-31 1:05 PM
in reply to: Left Brain

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Originally posted by Left Brain

Originally posted by neuronet Folks who are always joyous and living in Martha Stewart-like 1950s plastic bliss with their kids, that's wonderful. I am genuinely happy for you. Funny that it seems to be mostly males posting that have this perspective on parenthood. But you should realize there are a lot of different experiences: all situations are different for personal, economic, and other reasons. To come into such a thread, and in response to someone struggling with things, to come in and post how you never struggle with those things. How is that helpful? It comes off as rubbing it in, piling on, and frankly a bit callous. Many folks in families with two people working full time, who both have hobbies that they don't want to entirely give up, it can be a real struggle to negotiate the commitment required for their kids. This is not some bizarre phenomenon, but fairly ubiquitous. It doesn't mean you don't love your kids, or that you regret having them. It just means that the juggling act can be very difficult, and it is very common for resentments and anger to surface, especially when one person feels like they are taking on more than their fair share. Part of dealing with that is acknowledging the problem, and looking for concrete solutions. One thing this thread proves to me: no way I would express personal problems in this forum! Here's how it would go... "I broke my leg in a car accident and my dog died." "I have never had a broken leg" "My dog has been healthy for 30 years and actually brings me breakfast in bed." "I have never even seen a car accident, because I am just an awesome driver, and everyone I know is too!" "When I'm sad I just stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story."

Not to be callous, but the struggle ends when you decide that your commitment to your children is first and not something to negotiate.....you just do it because that's the responsibility you took on when you had them.  I'm sure for some it is more joyous than it is for others, for some of the reasons you listed, but the responsibility doesn't change....and sometimes it means giving up what you want to do to support your children's goals and ambitions (hopefully you have instilled the idea that they should have some).

My original comment was that if you get aggravated being around your spouse and children you have a much bigger problem than trying to find time to take care of your own interests. My advice was to work on the first problem first.  I'm sticking with it.




Agree.

We all have issues with balancing family and training. It's all about finding that healthy balance.

The OP was frustrated and having trouble getting motivated for any training because she felt a deep resentment from them for the time she was putting into triathlon. That turned her resenting them. Two sides resenting eachother + no motivation for training is NOT any where near balance-- nor is the solution to simply work out a balance between training time and family time. The first step is to find a way to move past all that resentment, because anything either side does at this point leads to more resentment.
2015-01-31 1:36 PM
in reply to: Left Brain

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo

Originally posted by Left Brain

Originally posted by rizztalah I'll try to make it short since there's always good stuff to read on here! But OMG, first I had an unfortunate blow out with the mother in law, a few weeks ago, and then last night had a major blowup with the spouse. He's reluctantly supportive of my love for triathlon... Anyway, since we've been squabbling I've had 0 desire to do anything. I just feel confused and pissed off. I ditched out on a 50 mile ride today, scarfed on disgusting McDonald's and took a 2 hr nap. Tomorrow I'm supposed to do the heavier day of long runs and swims but I honestly just want to sit around and be mad and mope and and moan. How do I get out of this slump? Being home around husband and kids just sucks my energy and motivation. I hate it. Everyone in my family (husbands side) thinks I'm selfish for wanting to train and it's hard to enjoy training at times now thinking that. /end/poor/me/rant

You've got a bigger problem than triathlon.  You should probably work on that problem first.

Agree.  OP, you need more than input from a triathlon forum.  You have a lot of yellow and red flags in your statement that point to bigger issues.

And get the rest of the family out of it ASAP.

 

2015-02-01 9:10 AM
in reply to: jennifer_runs

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Originally posted by jennifer_runs

Originally posted by Left Brain

Originally posted by neuronet Folks who are always joyous and living in Martha Stewart-like 1950s plastic bliss with their kids, that's wonderful. I am genuinely happy for you. Funny that it seems to be mostly males posting that have this perspective on parenthood. But you should realize there are a lot of different experiences: all situations are different for personal, economic, and other reasons. To come into such a thread, and in response to someone struggling with things, to come in and post how you never struggle with those things. How is that helpful? It comes off as rubbing it in, piling on, and frankly a bit callous. Many folks in families with two people working full time, who both have hobbies that they don't want to entirely give up, it can be a real struggle to negotiate the commitment required for their kids. This is not some bizarre phenomenon, but fairly ubiquitous. It doesn't mean you don't love your kids, or that you regret having them. It just means that the juggling act can be very difficult, and it is very common for resentments and anger to surface, especially when one person feels like they are taking on more than their fair share. Part of dealing with that is acknowledging the problem, and looking for concrete solutions. One thing this thread proves to me: no way I would express personal problems in this forum! Here's how it would go... "I broke my leg in a car accident and my dog died." "I have never had a broken leg" "My dog has been healthy for 30 years and actually brings me breakfast in bed." "I have never even seen a car accident, because I am just an awesome driver, and everyone I know is too!" "When I'm sad I just stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story."

Not to be callous, but the struggle ends when you decide that your commitment to your children is first and not something to negotiate.....you just do it because that's the responsibility you took on when you had them.  I'm sure for some it is more joyous than it is for others, for some of the reasons you listed, but the responsibility doesn't change....and sometimes it means giving up what you want to do to support your children's goals and ambitions (hopefully you have instilled the idea that they should have some).

My original comment was that if you get aggravated being around your spouse and children you have a much bigger problem than trying to find time to take care of your own interests. My advice was to work on the first problem first.  I'm sticking with it.




Agree.

We all have issues with balancing family and training. It's all about finding that healthy balance.

The OP was frustrated and having trouble getting motivated for any training because she felt a deep resentment from them for the time she was putting into triathlon. That turned her resenting them. Two sides resenting eachother + no motivation for training is NOT any where near balance-- nor is the solution to simply work out a balance between training time and family time. The first step is to find a way to move past all that resentment, because anything either side does at this point leads to more resentment.

I agree with Jennifer - I suspect that resentment because of triathlon is more of a symptom than a cause of anything.

There has been lots of discussion about selfishness. I like the idea of being just selfish enough. Being too selfish is not fair to other family members. Not being selfish enough can lead to lack of fulfillment and resentment. Hopefully being with one's spouse and kids shows up somewhere on the fulfillment / selfish side of the ledger. if not there is work to be done and/or some changes may need to be made.

Calling the OP selfish is judgemental and doesn't help anything. I completely agree that there appear to be larger, underlying problems need to be dealt with first.
2015-02-05 9:01 PM
in reply to: donw

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Subject: RE: *drama* Family Fighting is killing my training mojo
Sorry, but I respect a woman who is honest about how hard mothering can be.
For all you guys jumping in to say how much you love parenthood, great. I too have an engaged husband, but what I'm hearing is one of you has one child, another has a wife who stayed home with the children, until she had to get out for non-financial reasons, and don't know what the situation is for the dad of five, but jumping all over someone for being honest sucks.

and as to the "why did you have kids" comment, no one can know what parenthood will be like. Sure most of us would do it again, but I stayed home with kids and the years went by fast, but some of the days were very long and it was a huge sacrifice.

To original poster, hope things are working out for you. Ignore MIL and if hubby can't support you, some counseling might be helpful, probably other issues. Or maybe you are just overwhelmed with constantly giving to kids. Hope you can find ways to do something for you so you can get back to the family in a way that is affirming to you all.

Mitzi
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