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Wife aske me to give up endurance sports...
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 2010-10-01 10:02 AM |
Elite  4235    Spring, TX |  Subject: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports...So how would COJ deal with this? Wife came home from a long bad day at work on Tuesday and the first thing out of her mouth was that she wanted both of us to stop doing triathlon. No more racing and no more training. Her rationale is that due to the long hours we work, we just don't have time for it. Now, we're 28 & 29 yrs old, no kids, and both work between 60-70 hours a week. We really don't have too many chores at home because we have a yard service and house cleaning service. The only thing really left is paying bills and making dinner, which we take turns doing. So even with long days at work, we still have time to train with some time left over. We've invested a lot of time and money into our fitness. She's the one who got me into this but I think she now resents that I'm enjoying it and she's not. Moreover, I actually NEED to keep the exercising up due to insanely high cholesterol and family heart disease. She's backed off a little bit since Tuesday saying that we just need to keep it to a minimum and maybe doing a weekend ride once and a while, but with us both signed up for Ironstar in November and IMTX in May, that definitely isn't going to cut it. Between those two races, we have about $1500 of sunk costs into entrance fees... Anyway, just wanted to share/vent. |
| 2010-10-01 10:05 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Member 5452 NC | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Honey, I hear and understand what you're saying. I appreciate your perspective and I acknowledge the importance of your views and your suggestion. In response, no. |
| 2010-10-01 10:08 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Champion 14571 the alamo city, Texas | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Based on previous posts, I'm going to guess this has nothing to do with Triathlon. |
| 2010-10-01 10:13 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Pro 4824 Houston | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Sit down and ask her specifically what she wants to be different and how the two of you can make changes to find a happy place. Is it possible she is looking for more non-training couple time? Are you able to arrange regular dates? My guess is something is missing and triathlon is the scapegoat. |
| 2010-10-01 10:13 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Pro 4827 McKinney, TX | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... The first question that came to mind is... what is the root cause of this? I doubt it's triathlon. |
| 2010-10-01 10:14 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Alpharetta, Georgia Bronze member | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... AndrewMT - 2010-10-01 10:02 AM but with us both signed up for Ironstar in November and IMTX in May, that definitely isn't going to cut it. Between those two races, we have about $1500 of sunk costs into entrance fees... You are both registered for an Ironman and she wants you both to back out of it?  |
| 2010-10-01 10:15 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Melon Presser 52116 | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... AndrewMT - 2010-10-01 11:02 PM Wife came home from a long bad day at work on Tuesday and the first thing out of her mouth I wouldn't take at face value the first thing that comes out of anyone's mouth after a long bad day at work. (especially since both of your "normal" days are what the rest of us would consider long bad days) So she's backed off of it a bit. The thing is, is the only quality time you guys spend together training? And is that really quality time anyway? It would still be about your own workouts ... If the real issue here is that you guys don't spend enough (or any) time together, that's a different thing altogether that needs to be dealt with. As for triathlon training ... she has a life, and you have a life. If she wants to cease training so much, great! If you don't, great! You NEED to be able to have your own lives too. So how's your work situation, satisfaction, and traveling? |
| 2010-10-01 10:15 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Champion 7136 Knoxville area | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... wow... that sucks dude. Other than that, I got nothing. Strike that off as one of the advantages to being single. |
| 2010-10-01 10:16 AM in reply to: #3128083 |
Champion 18680 Lost in the Luminiferous Aether | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... KeriKadi - 2010-10-01 11:13 AM Sit down and ask her specifically what she wants to be different and how the two of you can make changes to find a happy place. Is it possible she is looking for more non-training couple time? Are you able to arrange regular dates? My guess is something is missing and triathlon is the scapegoat. ^^^ I'm thinking this, particularly since you have been in Japan for how long? |
| 2010-10-01 10:16 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Veteran 186 Saint Simons Island, GA | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... If it's really important to you, hopefully she'll be supportive. Maybe you could do some nice things for her that you ordinarily wouldn't do (extra flowers, cook when its not your turn, surprise her with dinner at a nice restuarant...). That might help show her that she is more important than triathlons. She could be worried that if you stop doing triathlons together, triathlons will become your primary focus. |
| 2010-10-01 10:18 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Extreme Veteran 756 Mexico! | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... that sucks. maybe she needs an off-season? |
| 2010-10-01 10:23 AM in reply to: #3128069 |
Pro 6767 the Alabama part of Pennsylvania | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... meherczeg - 2010-10-01 11:08 AM Based on previous posts, I'm going to guess this has nothing to do with Triathlon. x2. What I read in this is that the wife and the OP have little time together. "Training time" does not generally count, unless you move at the same pace and can sustain a conversation. And if there is no time for a couple, the relationship tends to wither. In most cases that a couple ends up in therapy, the wife has been giving warnings for a long time. If the wife convinces a husband to enter treatment, there is often some hope. If the husband resists any changes until HE initiates them, in most cases, the marriage is doomed. Since the wife at that point will have "checked out" emotionally long before, which is why the husband finally decides to act. Listen to what she is saying - not just the concrete, literal words, but the intent behind it. He also mentioned all the money sunk into entry fees. Maybe there is some room to compromise - get through those races and then back off. If even that is too much, then my question is whether you think the relationship is worth $1500 (or whatever will be lost). If it is, then say goodbye to the money and focus on the marriage. If it is not, then there must not have been much there in the first place. |
| 2010-10-01 10:25 AM in reply to: #3128120 |
Pro 4824 Houston | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... gearboy - 2010-10-01 10:23 AM meherczeg - 2010-10-01 11:08 AM Based on previous posts, I'm going to guess this has nothing to do with Triathlon. x2. What I read in this is that the wife and the OP have little time together. "Training time" does not generally count, unless you move at the same pace and can sustain a conversation. And if there is no time for a couple, the relationship tends to wither. In most cases that a couple ends up in therapy, the wife has been giving warnings for a long time. If the wife convinces a husband to enter treatment, there is often some hope. If the husband resists any changes until HE initiates them, in most cases, the marriage is doomed. Since the wife at that point will have "checked out" emotionally long before, which is why the husband finally decides to act. Listen to what she is saying - not just the concrete, literal words, but the intent behind it. He also mentioned all the money sunk into entry fees. Maybe there is some room to compromise - get through those races and then back off. If even that is too much, then my question is whether you think the relationship is worth $1500 (or whatever will be lost). If it is, then say goodbye to the money and focus on the marriage. If it is not, then there must not have been much there in the first place. Love what is bolded. This is exactly how things went with my XH. Begged him for years to go to counseling he would not. Went by myself. By the time he agreed I had already checked out and it was over. |
| 2010-10-01 10:25 AM in reply to: #3128092 |
| Alpharetta, Georgia Bronze member | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Leegoocrap - 2010-10-01 10:15 AM Strike that off as one of the advantages to being single. Word. Now what happened to that BT single's thread??  Sorry Andrew. |
| 2010-10-01 10:34 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Veteran 276 Holden, Ma | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... My question to the women giving all these hints is why not just straight out say it? Men are pretty blind sometime. |
| 2010-10-01 10:37 AM in reply to: #3128126 |
Expert 1083 The Woodlands, TX | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... KeriKadi - 2010-10-01 10:25 AM gearboy - 2010-10-01 10:23 AM meherczeg - 2010-10-01 11:08 AM Based on previous posts, I'm going to guess this has nothing to do with Triathlon. In most cases that a couple ends up in therapy, the wife has been giving warnings for a long time. If the wife convinces a husband to enter treatment, there is often some hope. If the husband resists any changes until HE initiates them, in most cases, the marriage is doomed. Since the wife at that point will have "checked out" emotionally long before, which is why the husband finally decides to act. Listen to what she is saying - not just the concrete, literal words, but the intent behind it. Love what is bolded. This is exactly how things went with my XH. Begged him for years to go to counseling he would not. Went by myself. By the time he agreed I had already checked out and it was over. Same here, it was way too late by the time he agreed to go Andrew, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Try to sit down and really talk to her with no distractions, find out what is behind her request. I'm with meherczeg - I bet it has nothing to do with triathlon. |
| 2010-10-01 10:38 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Champion 6786 Two seat rocket plane | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... 1. Your relationship is more important than any hobby. 2. This isn't about sports. 3. see #1 |
| 2010-10-01 10:41 AM in reply to: #3128166 |
Champion 6786 Two seat rocket plane | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Tynan19 - 2010-10-01 10:34 AM My question to the women giving all these hints is why not just straight out say it? Men are pretty blind sometime. The reverse is also true: "Why don't men actually listen to what women are saying? Women are pretty cryptic sometimes." In a relationship, both parties are responsible for communication. |
| 2010-10-01 10:41 AM in reply to: #3128166 |
Champion 14571 the alamo city, Texas | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Tynan19 - 2010-10-01 11:34 AM My question to the women giving all these hints is why not just straight out say it? Men are pretty blind sometime. Sometimes you just don't know how to vocalize it. They have to most stressful sounding job in the universe, she is probably so overwhelmed that she can't even get a coherent thought out. Every little thing sets you off - that night it was a planned workout. Once you actually start a conversation, though, it comes out quite easily, as we love to TALK AND TALK AND TALK. |
| 2010-10-01 10:44 AM in reply to: #3128183 |
Master 2802 Minnetonka, Minnesota | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... ride_like_u_stole_it - 2010-10-01 10:41 AM Tynan19 - 2010-10-01 10:34 AM My question to the women giving all these hints is why not just straight out say it? Men are pretty blind sometime. The reverse is also true: "Why don't men actually listen to what women are saying? Women are pretty cryptic sometimes." In a relationship, both parties are responsible for communication. So true, and I have the therapy bills to prove it. Andrew, x2 on sitting down with no distractions and tyring ito get to the root of the matter. Go in with an open mind and an open heart. Best wishes.... |
| 2010-10-01 10:59 AM in reply to: #3128183 |
Pro 6767 the Alabama part of Pennsylvania | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... ride_like_u_stole_it - 2010-10-01 11:41 AM Tynan19 - 2010-10-01 10:34 AM My question to the women giving all these hints is why not just straight out say it? Men are pretty blind sometime. The reverse is also true: "Why don't men actually listen to what women are saying? Women are pretty cryptic sometimes." In a relationship, both parties are responsible for communication. Absolutely. It seems the OP's wife IS being pretty direct when she says "We need to stop doing endurance sports". It may have other meaning, and reflect other issues, but it is as clear a statement as anything. And yet the response is to rally support on-line to not do that? Doesn't bode well. I hope they can resolve this. |
| 2010-10-01 11:14 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Expert 3126 Boise, ID | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... There is most likely room for a compromise here. I would discuss the upcoming IM's and decide mutually if it is worth forfeiting the fees or not. Then create a plan for the future based on that decision. If you recognize her issue (whatever it may be, time together, time doing nothing, etc.) then I would bet she would be willing to recognize that triathlon or exercise in general is important to you. Perhaps she would be ok with a plan to only do HIM's or Oly's for a while so the training hours can be reduced. Maybe you can find hours when she wouldn't be around anyway to do your training. My wife gets home later than I do so I try to get everything in before she gets home. I take a Saturday morning off every now and then when I know my wife needs some time with me. But she also knows that I get antsy and I become a pain in the butt if I don't go spend some energy. Often after I have put in the time doing things with her she will insist I go for a ride or a run because she knows I need it. Sounds again like your jobs suck, those hours are brutal. Any news on the possibility of new jobs? Good luck to you. The good thing is that she is attacking triathlon and not you. That is a good sign in my book. Don't ignore her problem, show her you care by talking about it and compromising. |
| 2010-10-01 11:17 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Extreme Veteran 565 Silicon Valley | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Stick it out through May. Get through IMTX then re-assess your priorities. Change up the routine, make it fresh, fun, social, interactive with the wife, etc. Don't let a bad day at the office kill the party. =) |
| 2010-10-01 11:19 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Expert 838 West Palm Beach, FL | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Sounds like it's time to take a vacation and re-boot. |
| 2010-10-01 11:20 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
| Iron Donkey 38643 , Wisconsin | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Hopefully, that wasn't the start of "Honey, I don't love you anymore", or "Honey, I want a divorce", or "Honey, I met someone" .... Take a little time off for some together time. Working 60 - 70 hours would be quite an emotional and physical drain on you two. BALANCE!!! |
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