Open mouth, insert foot!

Haha face meet palm.

My sister told me a story once....

When she was pregnant with her first she was all glowing about being pregnant and what not. She was in an elevator with a women and she started to get chatty about babies and due dates. She asked the woman "When are you due?" . The woman answered with "I'm not pregnant".

Ooops!

Amen brotha!

For fork's sake, ladies, don't set your man up to fail like that.  You know when you look good.  You know when something's meh, and if you feel like you need to ask if you "look fat"-- yup, you probably do.  So don't, just don't.

"Do you like my ________?"  How is the answer to this ever satisfying? The prompted "compliment"--ugh.

I have a rule...never ask a woman if she is pregnant, unless you literally see the baby coming out. (I think I stole this from a comedian...)

ETA - I guess it was Dave Berry. He is a smart man!

I haven't asked a woman if she's preggo, and I don't ask for clothing advice unless I want the truth (and yes, the truth sometimes hurts). But a couple of weeks ago...

My FIL has a bike seat that looks/feels like a foam bench. DH had talked about it when they came for their yearly visit back in February, but I thought he was just being picky. Well, on a trip to KS, I thought I would get some time on a bike since it wasn't being used. 20 minutes into a neighborhood ride and I couldn't get off the thing fast enough.  Went inside and asked MIL "How in the world he can even ride the bike!?!?  I couldn't pedal right because the seat is so poorly shaped for comfortable and efficient movement!" 

DH had failed to mention that MIL bought the seat for FIL. I think she still loves me. 

You can still get caught in the "pregnancy trap" even if you never ask.

I had a coworker who was about 6 months pregnant.  We were talking outside the elevator and one of our other coworkers comments..."oh...I didn't know you were pregnant!"  BUSTED!!!  Her response (jokingly)..."so you just thought I was fat???"  LOL!

I know that I'm truly in love with my wife, because she continually gives me the opportunity to end our marriage. (likely by ending my life.)

She frequently asks "Does this dress make me look pregnant?"

And then somehow I'm able to make "No, your belly makes you look pregnant" sound exactly like "No, dear, you look great!"

(For those of you who have not met me in person, which is all of you, I would NEVER EVER say this to my wife.  While I generally believe that there are no "sacred cows" when it comes to humor, even *I* am not stupid enough to slay this one)

If I were your wife I would forgive a lot because of your ability to rock that Jetta with a <24 hour turn-around.  A lot o forgiveness.

If I ever tell my wife she looks pregnant, I'll definitely be in the market. :^)

Haha! If you get "on the market" make sure it isn't for that :)

As a woman who gained an extraordinary amount of weight with all three pregnancies (lost it each time with no, uh, "residual" side effects--small miracle right there folks), I had some pretty hilarious pregnancy, immediate post pregnancy comments.

Keep in mind, the weight gain was off the chain: 55. 65. 73. Brutal.

Highlight reel--these seem unbelievable, but my husband will vouch for me:

One woman, came up to me from behind while I was talking to a friend, "I didn't recognize you from behind--your azz is soooo huge!"  What do you say to that?

At 11 weeks, number three, I told two docs at a social gathering that I was expecting at the time.  Pulled my coat back--audible gasp.  One insisted I had my dates wrong "that's not an 11 week pregnancy" the other, strongly recommended getting a US as "that's not the belly of a singleton."

I had another woman ask me when I was due, when I returned to work 4 weeks post after #3.

When I see these women now--and I see them all regularly--I smile when they marvel at my "tri body".   I could kick any of their azzes.  By a lot.