Balancing the materialism of Christmas

If it means anything, I like your plan you have with your husband. My wife and I are the same way as in we set aside a certain amount we are going to spend on the kids and we do not go over it. We do very little for family outisde of our immediate family and my wife and I usually go in and buy something we want for the house as opposed to individual gifts.

I would not be bullied into buying things for others becasue I was told too. I agree that would take the joy out of buying someone a present.

I would just make sure that your brother and his wife know your plans and ask them to not purchase you anything and leave it at that.

Why not just tell them what you posted here on BT. No, it won't be received very well, but you already tried to tip-toe around it and that didn't go over well either. If you aren't close or on that great of terms, just lay it all out there. Sounds like it might be OK if you got banned from Christmas with them. ??? It also sounds like something you feel strongly enough about that you should stand your ground. 

Yes, the gift giving at Christmas is out of control in general. Just remember that some people's love language is through gift giving. But it doesn't need to be obscene. 

I feel your pain.  I have had this conversation with my family over and over. 

No one can force you to do anything you don't want to do :)

You don't have to exchange gifts, or you could keep the gifts that you give VERY simple and/or homemade. You might also try to put some kind of boundry on gifts to your family like books or used items.  If you do this enough years in a row people start to figure it out.  Some end up respecting it, some won't, but you don't have to participate in the cycle, and you can talk with your daughter (as she becomes old enough to understand) about materialism, responsible spending, and needs v. wants.

Good luck.

I am sorry your family cannot see your point of view.  How about gifting them a charitable donation.  Pick a charity any charity.  Heifer international is very cool.  They have gifts you can give as charity oin someones name that provides someone in a developing country the ability to help themselves and others......go ahead and get them a water buffalo   Doesn't sound like they need more stuff anyway.  How does your brother feel about it? He may agree with you

Sooo, how did you respond when your parents said that?  Simply reply "Bro and I already agreed about not exchanging gifts.  Daughter is not missing out on anything - she gets plenty of gifts and time to see her grammy/cousins/etc.  She also is learning about giving by giving gifts to a girl her age who will not have a fancy Christmas.  This will have to be good enough for you.  Christmas is about family as much as about gifts."

My mom hasn't been allowed to instruct me to do anything in many years...I would laugh in her face if she thought she could call me and tell me what to do at 36.

Have them watch this (really, listen to the whole thing):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCNvZqpa-7Q

Assuming your brother is ok with not exchanging gifts, mehaner nailed it.  And if he's cut from the same cloth as your mom, then I would just politely send my regrets to the family gathering.

Impossible to say if that would satisfy them but it might get your point across. Some of the charities will give you and ormament or something to wrap up for them as a memmento of the gift in thier name.  Even better get plain decoration and have you daughter decorate it for them with 2013 and the name of the charity,.  I mightbe rememebring wrong but didn't your daughter have hip surgery a few years ago?  Donate to the childrens hospital where she had her procedure?  They would have to be pretty heartless to say something negative about that

Gifts are definitely a hassle when one becomes an adult. As a kid/teen/younger adult I enjoyed the gift giving thing with my siblings, now my older sister is 30, I am 28 and my younger sisters are 24. We are just about over it and I think this will likely be the last year we exchange gifts. 

For me, I just outright hate the commercialization of Christmas. Also my sister think that gifts exchanged have to be of the exact same monetary value. I can recall years where my older sister was working on her doctorate and was dirt poor, she presented me with a $2 wallet she had purchased at a flea market. I presented her with a $50 gift, I was in college, no GF or wife to spend on, I had the cash and I knew she wanted this item so I bought it. She cried the whole afternoon and spent the entire day apologizing for the crappy gift she gave me. I could care less as I enjoy giving and don't care if I receive in return, but she really ruined it. My younger sisters are both dirt poor this year and see things much the same as my older sister. My wife and I had a good year and can afford to go decent on the presents but I had to explain to my wife that we had to go cheap in order to not have a melt down at Christmas. 

My wife is more on the giving gifts equal to what you receive. She tries to figure out ahead of time how much someone is going to spend on her so she can match it. 

So yeah, gift giving is ruined for me, I don't like the politics, so I don't put much time into anymore, my wife takes care of most of it. I suggested that we inform all siblings that we were not going to participate in gifts this year and thus did not want to receive any, but my wife had ideas she wanted to do so we are participating this year. I think in the future it will likely just be gifts given to nieces and nephews and we will skip the sibling stuff.

For your situation OP, first of all don't forget that while gifts may or may not mean a lot to you, to some people it is the primary way they show and/or receive love. I don't know if that is the situation with your mom but it sounds as though it may be. So try not to fault her too much for the importance she is placing on gift giving. However, she cannot force you to love the same way that she does. 

I would call the brother, explain that you and your husband have decided not to participate in sibling gift giving this year and see if he will agree. If so then great, call your mom and inform her you went around her and made an agreement with your brother. At that point no one has a problem but her and it will be up to her to turn it into a battle or let it go. 

At your age your parents really don't get to determine sibling relationships anymore so go ahead and figure it out between the two of you. I did something similar with sibling bdays. Between 3 siblings and all of us being married there were way too many bdays going on and way too many presents to buy. So I got my sisters together and we all agreed no more bday presents. We will likely talk about Christmas presents this year and decide on a path for the future without the input of our parents.

My mom is a gift giver as is my wife's mom. We realize that and appreciate it so we try to make sure and get the two moms something nice for holidays. Recognizing that they give and receive love this way so we reciprocate. My dad won't remember a gift you got him 30 minutes after you give it to him but if you do something around his house for him he will appreciate it forever. 

So recognize that it is important to your mom and act accordingly. But as far as your sibling goes just arrange things with him and leave your mom out of it, then tell your mom to back off.

yes!  all of this!  so political!   UGH CAN'T WE ALL JUST EAT COOKIES????

We just set a limit of $30 and play one of those gift swap games - rob your neighbor. That way you get what you get, everyone spends the same, everyone gets a gift, the end.

It is more for the fun of the game then the actual gift.

My daughter is 5 and my son is 7. Our neighborhood has joined forces for a project called Light up the Holidays. Several of us with kids got together and the kids painted pictures which we will hand out to people during the holidays - store clerks, lunch ladies, mailman, whoever the kids can think of. This way they are getting involved in spreading good cheer and it has very little to do gift purchasing.

I got nailed bailing on the gift giving idea with siblings and sibling in-laws years ago. One year all of my husband siblings forgot his birthday, we had already remembered all of theirs. I was chatting with MIL and mentioned maybe it was time to drop it since most everyone (except us at this time) had kids we were buying for. The next family get together finger points to me as DINA says she does not want to buy for siblings anymore. I about had a fit, slammed my hand on the table and gave it right back that it was not MY idea but everyone else who didn't even bother to wish your own brother happy birthday. Nasty at the time but water under the bridge now and the sibling birthday gift giving ended then and there, totally worth it in the end. I say rip the band aide clean and run with it!

Sorry, couldn't resist...

Though I do find it funny that the Charlie Brown Christmas special is 50 years old -- complaining about commercialization is nothing new!

(CharlieBrownChristmas.jpg)

My parents were very generous for Christmas and it was a big deal for them. They found it magical especially for children.

We stopped buying presents for siblings in our 20s. We did buy gifts for my siblings kids. I have a sister and a brother. We have 5 kids and my sister has 2 and my brother zero.

My sister has moved to one gift for our whole family and it is usually very thoughtful that we like. My brother gets mad if we buy him a gift. We often get a gift certificate for a local place. Last year my parents both passed away and they used to get us kids certain things. I bought my brother fat wood to start their fires to both celebrate my parents and their special connection with my brother. He was annoyed as Xmas is for kids. My siblings are in our early 50s and over last 20 years both my brother and sister have had some lean years where there was nothing extra for gifts especially for sisters and brother in laws.

Unless you want this madness to continue every year you need to put your foot down and tell them what you will be doing and let them deal with it.  This will be hard and challenging but sounds like the only way your Mom might understand you will stick to your guns.

My suggestion would be say nieces and nephews get gifts then do family gifts but something very small token perhaps that you make like your famous bannana bread or cookies for each different family unit. Your sister and her husband don't need gifts from you...they have each other and their parents. It may be you have the only grandchild which may make the suggestion seem greedy to your parents even though it isn't. Maybe say when my sister has children we'll get them Xmas gifts.

I bet your daughter would love to make Xmas cookies to share with your family and would be super proud of giving them a gift she made herself.

The idea Sue had might be a group gift to the whole adult family instead of small token gifts.

My siblings and I have some issues with money (who pays for what and such and different levels of generousity)  but luckly the Xmas present one hasn't been one of them. Sadly your parents as head of the family are setting a bad example with materialism of Christmas. Do you have to spend Xmas with your family? Can you go to your husband's families house or have it at your house?

I had times when I clashed with my Mother about things we felt strongly about within my family. My immediate family comes first and that was a hard thing to do as it was hurtful to my Mom in ways but it was right for me. In time she got it that I pick my family over her ideas when I have to.

Good luck!

I think that a few simple realities of my life are:

1. Gift giving is in the thought, not the amount.
2. We do not control another person's reaction.
3. No more so than they control ours.
4. The joy is in the giving, not the getting.

So, if their reaction to a gift is based on the amount of $, then that is their problem, not mine. If they get joy giving 5 pairs of shoes that will be outgrown before they are worn out, then why is it my business to take that joy away from them? That is easy to say and hard to put into practice though. I just hope that you are able to teach your daughter about the stuff that matters. Generally what matters is not stuff at all, but the people we have time with.

Which is it?

Start by respecting your decisions first.  Everyone else will follow along once you show you're serious. 

"We will not participate this year."   Don't argue, don't bargain, don't listen to your mother.   Repeat this line until she gives up.   If she doesn't give up, DON'T GO TO CHRISTMAS.   If you keep giving her free reign to impose her will on you, she will NEVER STOP. 

And frankly, there's no "special sauce" for family.   If they're @$$holes... don't spend time with them.  There's no reason to let someone poison your life with negativity over a few lousy chromosomes.    Find a local family who isn't traveling for Christmas, and see if they want to get together.   My dad's family used to have a large Christmas Eve gathering with another local family who had no local relatives.  They have great pictures and great memories from those events.  It became a great tradition for both families.

If your Mom values the "gifts" so highly, send the gifts to your Christmas gathering, but don't go yourselves. Until you break the cycle with your mother, it will never, ever, stop.

No kidding.  We've tried and tried to get my MIL to stop buying piles of cheap plastic shiznit for the kids.   She will sit down with a pad of paper and make sure that she's spent EXACTLY the same amount on each kid (both kids, spouses, and grandkids) every year.   We try to give her good suggestions for the kids.  "Look, here's a good toy that the kid will love, and we can pass it down to the next kid when he outgrows it."   No, quantity rules the day.  ugh.

Thankfully, my mom and dad cut us a check for everyone's xmas (and my birthday) every year.   Then they give a few small gifts to the kids.  It's great, the kids love it, and someday they'll have money to survive at college. (or, like last year, we went to Australia.  NOT all on my Mom's nickel... but it helped!)

I suppose all of this angst during the Holidays is the reason I start getting all of the domestic assault reports every year about this time.........I don't understand it, but it sure does make my job secure.  

Happy Thanksgiving!!