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letting your kids quit stuff
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 2010-11-11 7:37 AM |
 Subject: letting your kids quit stuffMy 4 year old son has been begging me to let him swim this fall. So I put him in swim lessons at the Y. His swim lessons are at the same time that I am teaching a Toddler Gym class so this really should have worked out perfect. He can swim, I teach my class, we go home. Well he's been 2 times and now says he doesn't want to go. He's a little scared and said he cried the last time because he wanted me. Obviously I can't come check on him because I'm teaching at that time so I'm wondering if I should just let him quit. I don't want to encourage him to be a quitter but at the same time swimming is something that he ususally loves. We have a boat and swim at the lake all summer or go to my in-laws and swim in their pool. So far I have told him that I already paid for the lessons and he should really try to keep going but now I'm having second thoughts. What do you think COJ? Today will be lesson number 3..... |
| 2010-11-11 7:38 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
| Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff Just realized I put that in the wrong forum - Sorry!! I have a headache, give me a break  |
| 2010-11-11 7:42 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
Extreme Veteran  635    Georgia | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff Betcha need a new instructor. My kids all went through this to some degree, the right coach makes all the difference in if it's going to be fun, or if it's going to be intimidating. |
| 2010-11-11 7:43 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
Master 2009 Charlotte, NC | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff Well, mine are the same age and my philosophy is make them finish what is already paid for, then at the end of the session if they still don't want to do it, don't sign them up again. |
| 2010-11-11 7:50 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
Veteran 523 East Greenbush | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff What I do with my kids is I don't let them quit. I make them finish which ever session they started and then if they don't want to do it when it comes time to sign up again then i don't sign them up. Technically is a win win cause they havent quit and then they dont have do something they dont want to do. |
| 2010-11-11 7:58 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
Member 5452 NC | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff Tough call, especially since it seems you aren't able to see how the lesson is going. The instructor could be horrible. Can you arrange to watch a lesson? |
| 2010-11-11 7:59 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
| Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff Yes, that is what I'm thinking as it's only for the month and this month will have an extra day off due to Thanksgiving. My only hesitation is that I am really not available to help him, check on him, encourage him at all. I feel a little quilty about just sticking him out there on his own. One of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time. |
| 2010-11-11 7:59 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
Extreme Veteran 799 | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff My son is 4 and did classes over the summer. Most days he did not want to go, but since I was able to watch, I could see he was having a great time. I'd ask the instructor how he is doing. My son was worried that he would get lost under water. So you may want to figure out why he doesn't like it and see if you can help him overcome that with just a lesson with you and him. |
| 2010-11-11 8:01 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
| Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff I agree with not letting them quit. Kids need to know that not everything goes exactly their way all the time. That teachers/coaches/etc aren't always going to be perfect, but that there is something to learn from every one of them. With that said... I must also disagree. We should have let our youngest "quit" her 4th grade teacher. When she started biting her nails, got real quiet, etc, we knew something was wrong. This moron was throwing desks around the room, screaming at the kids and semi-nuts. He was fired at the end of the semester, but the damage was done. It took forever for her to stop being nervous about school. So.. check into the coach, have someone tell you about his/her technique, if your kid just doesn't "want" to be there, don't let him quit, if the coach is seriously intimidating, think about it... |
| 2010-11-11 8:10 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
Champion 7821 Brooklyn, NY | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff I think you should watch the class and see what you think. If the instruction is terrible, if the class is disorganized, if no one’s learning anything, maybe quitting and finding something more productive to do isn’t the worst thing. My son hated his little league, and having watched a session or two, I couldn’t really blame him. There were way too many kids, not enough instructors, and no organization. Most of the time was spent standing around in the hot sun or being told to go off into the outfield and play catch while the coaches spent thirty seconds teaching each kid to hit. It was a waste of time, and I didn’t blame him for not wanting to be there. |
| 2010-11-11 8:11 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
Regular 200 Stoughton, WI | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff I generally have a "don't quit" attitude. BUT - this is the water. You do not want to force them through a fear. I would try to talk to his instructor and see what the instructor has to say. Many kids develop an irrational fear of the water at some point - my child was actually 4 as well when he went through it (he's 9 now and on the swim team). It could be just that you are not there watching even. He trusts you - his instructor could be the best they have, but until he develops trust in that person - he may not succeed there without you watching as well. Like someone else said too - he may not WANT to go, but he might be fine when he is there. That's why I would talk to the instructor directly. |
| 2010-11-11 8:16 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
Extreme Veteran 612 Chicago-ish | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff If you can't get out of the class you're teaching can you go and observe the instructor teaching another class? |
| 2010-11-11 8:20 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
New user 10 | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff The worlds a scary place, might as well let them learn to be strong now |
| 2010-11-11 8:23 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
Regular 238 Austin, Texas | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff I am all for "don't quit" with my 7 year old, but at 4, its a bit different. At 4 they can get fears that will stick with them as they age. I don't think rational talk always works at that age either. I would let him bail on the swim classes - and yes, especially bc it's the water! We bailed on gymnastics with my 4 year old because he cried EVERY day before we went and even told his preK teacher he was "So sad because his mommy makes him go and he doesn't like it."  We tried soccer and the kid LOVES it. So that's my .02... you aren't teaching a bunch of life lessons (beyond sharing and don't hit your friends) at 4 years old in my opinion... it's more hugs, love and feeling safe that makes a 4 year old tick.Edited by MommyBelly 2010-11-11 8:24 AM |
| 2010-11-11 8:38 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
Pro 4277 Parker, CO | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff this is tough call. I have an 8 and 11 year old. we still have times that they want to quit activities. when they were younger we needed to come up with some incentives to finish their swim lessons. I don't know why they would have anxiety sometimes because they have never been affraid of the water and are great swimmer's. Anyway, sometimes we would offer Dairy Queen after to get them to go. But when my son was 5 he hated soccer...we let him quit. In your situation, either you or your husband need to go in with him to the lesson (I've done this). It might help him relax. If he continues to not want to do the lesson I wouldn't push it. Sometimes kids can't express their fears and I don't want to push my kid to do some activity that is causing them all that stress. Eventually they figure out what they want to do and are mature enough to know that they made a commitment they need to stick to. Edited by rayd 2010-11-11 8:52 AM |
 2010-11-11 8:38 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
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| 2010-11-11 8:42 AM in reply to: #3206269 |
| Member 5452 NC | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff triarcher - 2010-11-11 9:38 AM Nope, we don't quit. We finish the lessons and then we let them decide. Under any circumstances whatsover, no less. |
| 2010-11-11 8:45 AM in reply to: #3206134 |
Iron Donkey 38643 , Wisconsin | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff mxr746 - 2010-11-11 7:42 AM Betcha need a new instructor. My kids all went through this to some degree, the right coach makes all the difference in if it's going to be fun, or if it's going to be intimidating. Or maybe a kid in the class is giving him issues? |
| 2010-11-11 8:51 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
| Veteran 252 | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff My boys 15, 13 & 9 all have gone through this phase at one time or another. My older one when he was 3 ,we tried swim lessons & he got himself into a frenzy to the point of getting sick before each lesson..So we pulled out, regrouped & went back at age 4. The instructor who ran the program was pretty firm on "hand off the child & leave mom" policy. I had anxiety but felt he needed to get over this hump so that is what I did. I handed him off to the the instructor and peeked through the tiny window and watched. I am not going to lie, the first 3 lessons were brutal but with every lesson, it got better and better. It was so rewarding to see him smiling and jumping into the water with no fear. Because it was swimming I felt very strong about him learning to swim. My other two were thankfully willing and able to do the lessons with no drama. I think if you can handle a little crying in the beginning, it all pays off. By the way, this is the same kid who at age 4 told me he was done with school..LOL Patti |
| 2010-11-11 8:53 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
| Champion 11989 Philly 'burbs | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff Tough call. I am in the "finish what you start" camp, but I would not have let my 4 year old go to swimming class without me or his mom being there. Seems like you've painted yourself into a bit of a corner. Can his dad hang out for lesson three? |
| 2010-11-11 8:56 AM in reply to: #3206286 |
Champion 10020 , Minnesota Bronze member | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff When I was your sons age I hated swim class too and ended up with a long term swimming problem. The instructor was very aggressive, so even though I liked water for the most part, I didn't like being pushed that hard. We were learning to sit dive and I didn't want to do it, so the instructor told me to show them the position at least. Then they shoved me in! So it was very mean AND I wasn't even ready with my breath, so I took in a bunch of water. I never wanted to do lessons in the pool after that and I had to learn to swim as an adult later. I barely squeaked by in gym class in junior high. I know my mom watched the lessons and I think from the pool deck this probably didn't even seem as bad, but in my 4 or 5 year old mind it was devastating. I still plug my nose when I jump into the water and only recently gave up using a noseclip when training in the pool. I still have to wear it in races. I would try to ask him what he doesn't like in more detail, at least. He might just not be ready for the class. There is time for learning about quitting later. |
| 2010-11-11 8:58 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
| Champion 4942 Richmond, VA | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff i'll be a contrarian here, i'm in favor of quitting. life is too short. i'm not saying that as a general trend you should just quit if something stops being fun, but i'm not going to posture that if you sign up, you must finish - period. i signed up for wrestling at our local Y as a kid. i was HORRIBLE. in my first meet, I lost every match by a complete and total blow-out. my father informed me I was too fat and my arms were too short to be a good wrestler. i went to a few more practices and remember sitting in the locker room crying, at the age 10, because I didn't want to be there. going out there and practicing those couple of times didn't teach me to be a "winner." it made me hate organized sports, it made me harbor some deep resentments against my father and it made my life a living hell because I hated it so much. plus, he's 4. if he was 21, one semester from graduating college and it was about quitting school, that is a different thing. and I agree, watching the class might offer some insight as to why he wants to quit.
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| 2010-11-11 9:02 AM in reply to: #3206126 |
| Pro 6767 the Alabama part of Pennsylvania | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff 4 is not 8 or 10 or 15. It is a very different place developmentally. If your goal is to solidify his fears of the water, make him stay. If he is a generally anxious guy, have a parent nearby. Or take him to the pool individually and work on exposure and reinforcement of skills with positive expectations ("I know you are scared, but I know you can do it"). But to make him stay for the sake of learning not to quit, at this age, is not really going to work out in most cases. The lesson he might end up learning is that the world is scary, I am not equipped to deal with it, so I will not try new things. And if you make me do things, I will fail. After 7 or so, kids are at a different point developmentally. Their thoughts are more easily managed, and having them commit to a set period for something is more reasonable. (For those that are interested, the kids will have shifted from a phase of initiative vs guilt to one of industry vs inferiority). At that point, it is reasonable for a kid to lose interest in things but still follow through. One of my daughters did a variety of things for just one "session" or season (e.g. a couple of ski lessons when I went skiing, or a half year of horseback, or a year of gymnastics) with nothing really sparking her interest. Until she was about 12 or so, and started to learn to play the guitar. Now she plays guitar, bass, drums, trumpet, piano, ukelele, mandolin, and I believe one or two other things. If I had made her stick with the skiing at 4 or 5 despite obvious lack of skills and unpleasant experiences, I doubt she would have continued to have the initiative to try more things later. |
| 2010-11-11 9:05 AM in reply to: #3206305 |
| Pro 4277 Parker, CO | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff BikerGrrrl - 2010-11-11 7:56 AM When I was your sons age I hated swim class too and ended up with a long term swimming problem. The instructor was very aggressive, so even though I liked water for the most part, I didn't like being pushed that hard. We were learning to sit dive and I didn't want to do it, so the instructor told me to show them the position at least. Then they shoved me in! So it was very mean AND I wasn't even ready with my breath, so I took in a bunch of water. I never wanted to do lessons in the pool after that and I had to learn to swim as an adult later. I barely squeaked by in gym class in junior high. I know my mom watched the lessons and I think from the pool deck this probably didn't even seem as bad, but in my 4 or 5 year old mind it was devastating. I still plug my nose when I jump into the water and only recently gave up using a noseclip when training in the pool. I still have to wear it in races. I would try to ask him what he doesn't like in more detail, at least. He might just not be ready for the class. There is time for learning about quitting later. this reminds me about when I was a kid. my parents sent me to swim lessons I think when I was 5. I don't remember why but I was so scared I never went back. I don't remember all the details but this was on the 1960s and my parents were very strict and tough. they let me quit so I myust have really been pitching a fit. Anyway, as a kid I never learned to swim. I would get in the water but I would remain in the shollow area. I finally learned to swim when I was in my 20s after deciding I wanted to do a trithlon. my dad was amazed when I swam 2.4-miles last year in open water at the age of 48. He still looked at me as a kid affraid of the water. A young kid quiting is not always a bad thing. |
| 2010-11-11 9:33 AM in reply to: #3206300 |
| Expert 997 North Central WV | Subject: RE: letting your kids quit stuff mrbbrad - 2010-11-11 9:53 AM Tough call. I am in the "finish what you start" camp, but I would not have let my 4 year old go to swimming class without me or his mom being there. Seems like you've painted yourself into a bit of a corner. Can his dad hang out for lesson three? I totally agree with this. At 4 yrs of age, I think forcing them to stay wrong. We have just been through this with hockey. Our 4 yr old loved the free lessons so we signed him up for the season. After the first real practice, he wanted out. I told him that we'd try two more times and if he still wanted to quit, then he could. In the meantime, I had a long chat with the organizer who arranged to have more helpers on hand. He was matched up with a teenage boy who he just loves and now he goes by choice. We'd have sacrificed the money if he had decided to quit. I don't want my children hating sports because we forced them into it at too early an age. I also agree that forcing swim lessons could result in a very strong fear of water. I think your best option is to have a parent or even a grandparent, close family friend etc. there on the side of the pool. |
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