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What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
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 2010-05-28 8:39 AM |
Pro  4824    Houston |  Subject: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issuesLet me start by saying my oldest is 17 and a REALLY good kid! Other than the occasional not so great grade he's never really been in any kind of trouble - we won't talk about what I was like at 17! Several months, maybe a year ago my husband logged on the family computer (only computer in the house) and checked the history and noticed 'somebody' had been to a pornographic website. Nothing hard core basically playboy like pics. We called down both boys 14 and 16 at the time. Honestly, both my husband and I assumed it was the younger of the 2. After questioning the older son fessed up and was grounded from the computer for a month. The other day my husband tells me that the same (brilliant isn't he?) website is in the history. He can tell it is early in the morning when everyone is still in bed, his younger brother has already left for school and he has a few minutes to himself. Husband and I discuss, agree he is 17 and honestly this isn't the worst thing he could be doing but we will talk to him, remind him this is a FAMILY computer and not cool. Basically talk to him but not make a federal case out of it. So last night we call him into the computer room and basically say 'hey dude, not cool, don't do it' he obviously isn't taking us seriously and I say 'an apology would be nice' to which he replies 'sorry I'm acting like a 17 year old guy' Ok, not the response I was looking for. All he had to do was say 'sorry, it won't happen again' and I would have let this go. Because of his flippant response I grounded him from the computer for a month. The reality is in a year he will be going to college and have his own computer to do whatever he wants with which we told him but this is a FAMILY computer in the middle of our house and he has 3 little sisters (not that he would do it while they are around) but still. For me it was respecting the family computer and again thinking since my husband and I didn't make a big deal about it being thankfully that we are actually pretty cool. What say you COJ? Too strict - he is 17 afterall? Are we push-overs? Or would you have handled it the same way? |
| 2010-05-28 8:46 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
Master 1895  | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues Does he have a job? Maybe it's time for him to buy a laptop. It sounds like he's a good kid. He's basically an adult. He's not doing anything that is against the law, but I agree that it's probably not appropriate on the family computer. I say he gets his own computer/laptop now. |
| 2010-05-28 8:47 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
Master 1286 Mt Pleasant, SC | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues Hello You are right on. Don't let up on him. I had this some issue with my son and he was all over the porn websites on my wifes laptop. When he got his computer for college I never worried about it again. Kevin |
| 2010-05-28 8:51 AM in reply to: #2888198 |
Champion 6503 NOVA - Ironic for an Endurance Athlete | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues Don't let up, but don't expect the behavior to change much. Sometimes, it is just your job to provide resistance. You may not stop the behavior, but you will make him think about it. |
| 2010-05-28 8:53 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
Extreme Veteran 6066 Montreal, QC | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues As a 25 year old guy, I can vividly remember being 17. In my opinion, boys will be boys. Like you said, it's not the worst thing he could be doing. However, the response seems to be what would trouble me. I was always a good kid, as well, and I respected my parents, and would never have responded with something like that. I'm not saying that it is something to worry about, but that might irk me more than the porn thing. Do I have a suggestion, not at all. I really have no idea what to tell you to do. But if he starts acting more disrespectful, THAT is something to worry about. |
| 2010-05-28 8:57 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
Pro 4824 Houston | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues I wish he had a job! He has applied at 12 or so places and nobody is hiring or there are 35 year olds serving fries because they lost their 'real job'. We had this same issue last year. He doesn't even drive yet. We have been on him to get his license but he says it is a big responsibility he doesn't take lightly and isn't sure he's mature enough. So honest, he's pretty mature to think all that out. Of course that limits the places he could get a job because Mama aint going to be at his beck and call to drop off and pick up. Thankfully there are about 30 options within walking distance if only they were hiring. He had a laptop through school this year but of course it didn't even go to facebook let alone any porn websites. I am certainly not going to buy him a laptop so he can view porn and not going to suggest he pull his money out of savings to buy one. If he was saying he needed/wanted one I'd let him (his money) but the idea of having his own computer hasn't really occurred to him yet. |
| 2010-05-28 8:58 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
| Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues Nope. you're doing right. Your computer, your network, your house, your rules. He abides by them or he no longer gets use of them. Period. Remember another thing, if you end up on a kiddie porn site, even by accident, your house will be investigated which includes everyone in it. Yeah, that's an extreme example but it's well within the realm of possibility. |
 2010-05-28 8:58 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
| Subject: ... This user's post has been ignored. |
| 2010-05-28 8:59 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
| Champion 7553 Albuquerque, New Mexico | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues No, you're not being too hard. Family resources, family rules. And that means the internet access and what he brings inside the house (real or virtually) regardless of how it's paid for. (So, no, him buying a laptop to surf for porn in private doesn't have to fly in your house. ) True, in a year he'll be 18 and legally able to purchase things he cannot today. Doesn't mean you have to allow these things in your house or around your family. As for "acting like a 17-year-old-guy" being the excuse/justification...Sorry...he's not obligated to do everything he sees his friends/classmates/peers doing and he'd certainly object to being held to the standards some families have (you could point out that this isn't an issue for the 17-year-old AMISH boys who don't have electricity, a computer, or internet access) Probably is a time to discuss freedoms and responsibility and the consequences that sometimes come with decisions. |
| 2010-05-28 8:59 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
| Extreme Veteran 787 The Woodlands/Magnolia, TX. | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues i remember seeing an advertisement for one of the internet providers that promoted a filter you can use to prevent anyone w/out a password from going to certain types of sites. not sure if all IPs have that, but i'm sure they sell something out there to help you restrict what goes on with the family pc. sounds like with 5 kids it might be a good investment, if it's possible. Edited by antlimon166 2010-05-28 9:00 AM |
| 2010-05-28 8:59 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
| Pro 4909 Hailey, ID | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues I would say, keep talking with him and put some parental control software on the computer that will help block pornography. A lot of people think porn is fine and normal, but it can be highly addictive and can ruin lives and marriages. I wouldn't take it too lightly. |
| 2010-05-28 9:10 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
| Champion 14571 the alamo city, Texas | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues I say your response is right. It may be stricter than some families, but it is YOUR family's rules that matter. Also, it is consistent with what you have done in the past. Even though he is 17 and out on his own soon enough, if you show "conditional" punishments, your 4 younger kids will see that and start testing the boundaries too - you already know this. But what it comes down to, more than just 17 year old boys look at naked girls, is that this IS a shared computer and there are little girls that might accidentally stumble across the website, especially since your kids haven't figured out how to clear their cache!!! I also love Sharyn's answer about why looking at naked girls is much more than just looking at naked girls...all young boys need to hear this (and obviously some of the grown ones too). Maybe everyone else does it, but you are trying to raise him to be more respectful and considerate, you know he's mature and knows better, and the killer....you are DISAPPOINTED in his attitude about it. A kid that on his own decided he didn't want a license because of the responsibility sure doesn't want to disappoint mom and dad... |
| 2010-05-28 9:21 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
| Extreme Veteran 493 Greer, South Carolina | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues My Dad always said “as long as you live in my house, you will live by my rules.” I think that still works today, 25 years later. You certainly didn’t overreact. You are certainly not too strict. I think being grounded for a month was very generous on your part. To me this would have been a second offense and the punishment would have increased from the first time he was caught. Is he acting like a normal 17 yr old? Yes! But, that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t respect your house. My dad has never drank alcohol and never allowed it in our house growing up. He knows that both I and my brother have the occasional drink, but even at 42 yrs old I still respect him and his house and abide by that rule when I visit. Heck, I don’t even drink when we go out to dinner with my parents out of respect for them. I agree with you that it’s not the act itself that’s so bad but the lack of respect for you and your husband and the rest of the family. |
| 2010-05-28 9:35 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
| Extreme Veteran 767 Rockville, MD | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues I think that you're handling it the correct way. In the end, boys will be boys. In my days it was the hidden issue of Playboy, now its on the computer, no difference really. What you might want to teach him is how to delete the cookies and browsing history so no one else in the family has to worry about accidentally stumbling across what hes been looking at. |
| 2010-05-28 9:38 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
| Subject: ... This user's post has been ignored. Edited by AcesFull 2010-05-28 9:40 AM |
| 2010-05-28 9:40 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
| Champion 8936 | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues Your house, your computer, your rules. But good luck trying to convince a 17 year old boy to not look at naked women. |
| 2010-05-28 9:43 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
| Extreme Veteran 605 | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues If this had been my fathers house and me it would have gone down like this. You were looking at porn. Your mother is disappointed (because of the reasons that Sharon said). I'm disappointed because we told you not to, you're grounded from the computer for a month. If I would have gone off about how I'm just being a 17 year old, blah blah blah, that would have gone like this. My father would have gone into his, "This is my house you need to respect my rules." Then I would start loosing privilages, starting with video games, then driving (sucks to have to take the school bus if you have been driving to school all year), riding with friends, TV, swimming, and so on. I think that what you did is totally reasonable, but I also think it's important to point out why you belive what you do so that when he is on his own it's not just a forbidden fruit, but is a bad thing for reasons x,y and z. If he is unwilling to listen then he is being disrespectful and that is not okay. |
| 2010-05-28 9:47 AM in reply to: #2888368 |
| Subject: ... This user's post has been ignored. |
| 2010-05-28 10:35 AM in reply to: #2888380 |
| Champion 5376 PA | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues DerekL - 2010-05-28 10:40 AM Your house, your computer, your rules. But good luck trying to convince a 17 year old boy to not look at naked women. No doubt! Maybe let him get it out of his system early so he can spend more time focusing on his studies while in college.  |
| 2010-05-28 10:36 AM in reply to: #2888409 |
| Champion 5376 PA | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues AcesFull - 2010-05-28 10:47 AM I think my GF handled this well, just last week. Her 12-year old son came to her, tearfully admitting that he and two friends, ages 12 and 14, had looked at porn on the friends' computer. She had a talk with him about not doing it again, about what is and is not appropriate for kids his age, and what would happen if he did so on her home computer. She was stern, but not punitive. She also recognized that his behavior was entirely normal, and used the opportunity as a "teachable moment." 12 is a bit young. My children are 11 and 14 and we use parental control software on our PCs and laptops. |
| 2010-05-28 10:44 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
| Master 2327 North Alabama | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues This may be putting a band-aid on a broken arm, but if there's a router in the house on your network, you could go in and use it to block certain websites. Technically, you could go in and have it shut down the internet between certain hours on certain days too. That's just a thought. But, I haven't been in that situation (as a parent) so I don't know what I'd do, but I have been there as a kid and got the lecture a couple times. It seems each time the punishment got a little more severe and I soon learned the lesson. It didn't really take long for it to sink in and me to realize that I still had rules to follow. Plus, those websites are goldmines for website trackers, spyware, and garbage. You're letting you computer get exposed to stuff it shouldn't. My suggestion is to start running some form of registry cleaner, spyware remover, and virus scanner just to be safe. |
| 2010-05-28 10:46 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
| Master 2477 Oceanside, California | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues Boys will be boys, but parents still need to be parents. Even when he is in college and 18, house rules are still house rules when he is home. Give the punishment, but do not expect to convert his thoughts... he will test your limits as well as his own. My mom found this out the hard way when she saw a motorcycle in my garage. She spent so many years telling, "Not while we support you..." She tried too hard to convert me into being anti-motorcycle that all I wanted to hear, "You can get one when you are financially independent." Of course, a year after buying it, I sold it because it was not practical, and I really did not care about it enough... I just "needed" it, just because. |
| 2010-05-28 10:57 AM in reply to: #2888176 |
| Extreme Veteran 605 | Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues I maybe out of line here but I do not believe that you can rely on technology to teach your children their moral lessons. Vis-à-vis, parent control software and teaching children that porn is not moral. (Which not everyone agrees with, but the OP has stated is one of her moral views.) If you do not want your children to look at porn merely blocking it on the home computer will not stop them, it will only stop them at home. If you don't want them to do it, you have to discuss it in an age appropriate manner. But that's just my 2 cents. |
| 2010-05-28 11:01 AM in reply to: #2888549 |
| Subject: ... This user's post has been ignored. |
| 2010-05-28 11:08 AM in reply to: #2888610 |
| Subject: ... This user's post has been ignored. |
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