Further reviewed for the last time September 17, 2012.
So this is the last amendment/update/whatever to the race report that I seem to be unable to let go of. I am fine now. I wasn't fine, but I am. The thing about racing is that it is life. Someone asked me why I do these races in one sentence and I said, "because you live a whole life out there." I guess that is true with any race. There is a beginning and an end. There are choices you make that effect the choices you make and effect the choices you can make. There is a subjective and objective experience of it. This is true in a 10k and it is true in 160km. The thing about an ultra is that it last so much longer.

I went into this race thinking it was something to be conquered, to be owned, to summit, to overcome. It isn't. It is something to be lived. I made many many many mistakes. My biggest one was the second lap, thinking that I had done the hard work on the first lap, losing focus, not knowing how fast I was going, not having a plan to keep going fast. I lost on the second loop.

But I digress, you don't win at life and you don't win at running, unless that is what you do. I don't play life to win and I don't run to win. It is how I am built. For me to go into a race with the view to conquer it, well I am not there yet. For me victory is in the experience, not in the PR. It was all I was when I got started. There was a time when I was training for the Marathon that I was something else, someone looking to win and to achieve. Perhaps someday I will be that person.

My point is, it is 160km long. You have to have a battle tested motivation to be there. You can't have mixed reasons, which is what I had. I both wanted to conquer and to just go out for a run. And those got confused at some point.

I am going back. I will be better prepared. I will be stronger. I will respect the course. I thought I needed to finish this race. I don't. I do need to go back though.



Listen, you don't have to read this. It is long. Although I am happy about the experience and thankful for it, this is not a happy race report. That may seem confusing, I know it is for me. I wrote it for me. I cried at many points while I wrote it, and not happy tears. I posted it because it gives me some finality. If you are going to stop reading please stop now.

I am not sure what the thing was that drove me to try this. I have such mixed feelings about not finishing because it was really one of the most intensely pleasurable experiences in my life. To not finish is to fail. But is clearer to me that we are all on our own journey during a race like the Lost Soul 100 miler, or maybe any race....and life. If you know me you know that this was a very important race to me. I do hope that you don't pity me, that you are happy for me. Amendment: That was written on Sunday at 6:00 a.m. I feel different now. More conflicted if that is possible. I have horrible feelings of disappointment. I am glad I wrote that bit on Sunday though, because it is also true.

So the race started. First loop is 7k, 4 major hills, 194 km elevation. Just a warm up. I took it easy for the most part. Let my legs run under me down the hills, not hammering it though by any means. Finished at 58:42. Probably had a gel. I was running with my fuel belt and just draining it. I drank a lot in the morning and I had to pee once on this loop. And once in just about every leg there was...until I wasn't, dum dum dummmmmmmm.

I was running with my camera and having a great time. Taking pictures, taking videos. I figured I wasn't going to come back and try this again so I wanted an accurate record. Something to look back on with pride.

The second loop was about 10k at maybe 350 meters of elevation. Very manageable single track, nothing too steep. Long stretches of flat. Everyone was tightly bunched still. I was running with a group, just jogging slowly along. Most of us doing the 100 miler. The 100ks and 50ks, which start at the same time, mostly were ahead. I felt good. Good on the down hills. There was one dodgy downhill at the end of this leg that I just flew down past people. People were picking their way through it but man, I find that so tough on my feet so I just flew down. But I didn't hammer it though, just let my feet roll under me. I felt good. Good and strong. Got to Peenaquim at 2:03, so about an hour to get there, left at 2:06.

I was supposed to meet my dad at this first aid station at Peenaquim but I had overestimated my time and I was there at 2:03 or so instead of 2:30. So I just carried on. I should mention, and I will only mention it once, but not once in this race was I let down even in the slightest by any volunteer. At EVERY aid station they filled my bottles. Oh, and they got me gels too. Even though the information was that no gels would be available they must have had them hidden away somewhere and I got 2 at each aid station.

Nutrition wise I was concerned about my stomach so I was just sticking to gels and gu brew. 2 gels and 4 gu brews between each station.

So the next leg, to Pavan was about 10k. There is a sign when you leave, "did you bring your poles?" Ha, I didn't. My legs were strong I didn't need them. I marched up the hills and ran down them. The hills weren't horrible here, only about 250 meters of elevation.

Got to Pavan at 3:34, met my dad. I felt good, real good. Probably spent a little too long here, left at 3:39 I munched some potatoes. They had sandwiches but those didn't really agree with me last time. Grabbed some gus and I was off. Maybe I grabbed three gus for this loop. The Pavan loop is 16k with the first 8k having an advertised 330 meters in elevation, with most of that coming between 4-8k. You pretty much have one hill at the beginning then a long flat bit to a bunch of other hills. And these hills are huge. Gigantic. 100 meter high jobs. And it was hot. Did I mention it was hot. It was hot. 28C, but in the coulees they were saying it was 40+, someone said it was 49. Now I don't know if it was but it was hot. Anyways, got through this loop in good time, back at Pavan at 6:10 so 2.5 hours, which is crazy, but I felt good. So again at Pavan. I think it was during this loop that I started realizing that just gels and gu brew means no protein. Ha. So I lubed myself up again, re applied sunscreen grabbed my gels and gu brew and a GIANT handful of jerky. I mean I bought a bag of jerky for my dad, it is like 7 bucks for a bag, I probably had the equivalent of a bag full in my hand. Left at 6:18, so did spend some time getting ready, time well spent though.

So this Pavan to Peenaquim leg leg was about 8k. 3 big hills, 2 of them quite gnarly. I had no trouble going up but coming down was a different matter. My feet were starting to get sore. Some hot spots. My toes were taking a beating. But just a little sore. My legs were still strong. I was strong. I was good. Got to Peenaquim at 7:24, so that is a good time, an hour and 6 minutes, only 6 minutes longer than the last leg and it is a km longer so, yeah, good. Felt good. More jerky and I was off to HQ (the start line). The last leg is nothing. Easy and flat, they said 5k but I am pretty sure it was 6. Big 100 meter climb at the end and BAM done one loop. Took me just over an hour to do that leg, so I guess that is where the wheels started to really fall off because that leg was shorter with less elevation then the previous leg and it took me longer. Hmmmmm. (actually those two legs were the same distance, but the last one did have only one hill, that was long but on pavement or shale paths so it should have been easier)

So finished at 8:33, which is 27 minutes faster than I did the first loop when I did the 100k 2 years ago. And I felt stronger. Good, things were good. I changed my shoes, lubed up, and was off. at 8:46 so about 13 minutes there.

So did the bottom 7k loop, made 3 wrong turns here. Head was not in the game. I mean the course was well flagged but sometimes you just have your head down. Probably cost me about 5 minutes. But I felt really really good. I finished at 10:06 so about 1:20 for the loop or 20 minutes slower than the first time. But I felt good. Left at 10:13 so 7 minutes....doing what?

Off to Peenaquim. Nothing notable here. My feet were feeling better in my new shoes. I was doing a lot of walking but walking fast. Hiking up the hills was no problem. Down was getting harder on the legs. Got to Peenaquim at 11:40, so 1:27, 22 minutes slower.

Off to Pavan. I grabbed my head lamp and it got dark on this leg. There was one guy ahead of me and 2 behind me and no one was really making any progress on the other. I remember feeling like I was slowing down here though. Got there at 13:54. So 2:02, or 34 minutes slower.

So then at Pavan. My dad was there. I swapped my Garmin out. I told him at least 4:15 until I was back. Put a long sleeved shirt on. Not sure what I was doing here, didn't leave until 14:13 which is darn near 20 minutes. Guess I probably wasn't super looking forward to going out on this loop that took me 5.5 hours when I did it 2 years ago. Now I don't know what happened on this leg, but I just flew. Of note was the dumb a$$ wrong way I missed that cost me at least 10 minutes. AHHHHHHHH. I made the exact friggin same mistake 2 years ago. You are walking on this road and then you have to turn into the bush. But you are on the road so you just kind of have your head down slogging away. Then you get to this T intersection (and there is a T intersection on this leg) but you see no flags, so you stumble around in the dark going this way and that way until you realize you are a dumb a$$ and backtrack. AHHHHHHHHHHHH

So yeah, I killed this leg, got back at 18:09. (I wrote that on Sunday, actually, I did not kill this leg. 1.5 hours longer is not killing a leg. I felt strong, I did better than I did before, but something weird was going on, finishers do that leg stronger, like 3.5 hours....) I should say that the hills were not great here, going up was fine but coming down was not great. I really made up time on the flat though, just power hiking it out. So at the aid station,got some fish and potatoes, some gels and gu brew and I was off to Pavan, I guess just missing my dad who showed up 5 minutes later. I remember thinking that I am going to do this. I feel strong. The place was more or less empty compared to before as I think I was near the end of the pack and of course there were no 50km or 100km guys left. Spent 9 minutes shoveling food in my mouth and left at 18:18.

Got to Peenaquim at 19:54, so 1:36 to do that 8k, 30 minutes longer. Those two legs, the Pavan loop and from Pavan to Peenquim took me 6 hours. 2 years ago that Pavan loop took me 5.5 hours. Ha. I really felt like I was killing it, although looking at the times now it seems clear that I was just delirious.

The hike back to HQ from Peenaquim wasn't great. I left at 20:04, so spent 10 minutes there. I was getting tired, like sleepy tired. Actually, Peenquim is the 102km mark. I left there at 20:04, which meant that I had 14:56 to put in 59 kms (actually when I left I thought it was closer to 3:30 am than 4 am, thought I had 15.5 hours not 15 hours, not that it matters but it shows how out of it I was). Which puts me at a 15 min km. Which was good because that was all I was managing. Ran into my old buddy Dan from Sinister 7 and Lost souls 2010 on this loop. He caught up to me. Said the heat got to him the first loop. I was like, no kidding man, when I did this in 2010 he was already done the first bottom loop of his third lap at this time. He looked good now though, he dragged me along and I think we finished at about a 14 min pace and got to HQ at 21:40, so 1:36 which was about 30 minute off, and also was the time it took me to do pavan to Peenaquim which is 2k longer and has 2 hills. I don't get it. The first lap was the same thing, more or less the same time to do those 2 legs even though I am POSITIVE Pavan to Peenaquim was harder. (again, they are actually the same length, not sure what was going on in my head.)

I didn't realize it at the time but the second loop took me 12:55. Which was more than 4 hours longer than the first loop. I felt stronger than that though.

So, sun was coming up a bit but I kept my head lamp on. Left at 21:43, so 3 minutes there, good. Loop took me 1:36. Dan caught me at the end. I don't know, I was still feeling that things were possible. I got to HQ at 23:19, out at 23:24.

The leg to Peenaquim took me to 25:21, so 1:55 or 30 min longer. That is not good. I don't remember much, but I must have been feeling pretty low because as I left I told my dad I needed to get to Paven by 12:00 p.m. so that I could get that loop done in 4 hours so I could beat the 4:00 p.m. cutoff. I didn't feel like I had it in me. I said, "if I don't get there before 12:00 p.m. I will just be doing it for show." He said, "nothing wrong with doing it for show."

This loop was the absolute best and the absolute worst. I learned so much about the power your mind has over your body and your will. I left at 25:31, so 10 minutes there, it was 9:30 a.m, so I had 2.5 hours to do 10k. I felt strong. Like in my blood I felt stregnth, if that makes sense. But my legs hurt so much. I also had sever groan area chaffing. But I could live with those, I really could. My feet were burning though. I think in retrospect they were overheating. It was hot. Hotter than Friday, and it was hot on Friday.

So I left Peenaquim and I was moving slow. Very slow. Like 16 min ks. Then 17 min. The leg starts and you go up.....yeah shocking. Anyways, going up was not too bad but the walking was horrible. I was walking slower than I was climbing, at least it felt like. I was walking so slow, you cannot even imagine. I felt like my legs hurt so much, really they didn't, I mean I could run down the hills and I could climb the hills....

So I gave up. As I was walking I gave up. My pace was over 15 min a km. I had the hardest leg left. I wasn't going to be able to get it back down below 15 min (overall from the 100 km point). I was beaten. I was planning my exit. At first I thought, oh whatever, just get through this, do the Pavan loop, then call it a day. I thought if I could just get the Pavan loop done that would be my victory. But that pipe dream lasted a couple minutes, then at the top a hill, around 3k out, I saw the Peenaquim aid station. You see you got to run down this hill and cross this road and then climb hills for another 7k. But this road, it goes to the friggin aid station I just left. It is right there. Like maybe 1k away. On a nice flat road. And there is a dog park there or something, and people are parked there, and I was debating should I get them to drive me to Pennaquim since it is closer but then I would have to call Pavan to get my dad, or should I get them to drive me to Pavan which is a hassle on the roads. Or maybe I could tough it out and walk to Peenaquim, but what would the point of that be.

I am not sure when I started crying. It may have been at the top of that hill or before, or on the way down, but at the bottom I was a steady stream of tears. Like not sobbing, I think I lacked the energy for that, but just tears. But no one was there. There were cars but no people. So I crossed the road.......but just then a car pulled up, and it was a volunteer from Peenaquim, she must have been heading out. And she says, "hey buddy, you okay." My back was to her, but I probably looked pretty beaten. That was all it took, I started sobbing, I turned, stumbled the 3 meters or so to her car. I didn't say a word. I don't think I said a word. I just cried. I looked at my watch. She said, "you timing it out." She knew I was trying to figure if I had the time to finish. I didn't say anything. I just stood there and cried. It was so hot, you don't even know. I was standing there on the hot pavement and it was so hot. I could feel the heat coming up. I was leaning on my poles, head down. Just crying. My tears falling on that pavement. And all I could think. The only thing I could think was to lie down. I wanted more than anything to just fall down. I am not sure why I didn't. She may have been holding me up. I know she had a a hand on my back. I don't remember saying anything. Just crying. But more than sitting down or falling down or lying down, more than that, all I wanted her to say was, "it is okay, you have done enough, come in, I will drive you home." It is all I wanted. I have never been at that place before. It was the only thing I wanted. I just wanted the pain to stop. But she never said those words. She rubbed my back. She said, "it is hard, you will be fine, you will finish." That is all she said. Again and again. I didn't say anything, I don't even think I said thank you. I don't think I even saw her face. I just turned my back and walked away. Crying.

I wasn't moving fast though. I may have even been moving slower. But then something even stranger happened. This lady caught me. She was the last of the 50k racers starting on Saturday. She caught me. I never even saw her face. I was crying, just balling. She is like, "are you okay," I shook my head and said I am not going to make it, that I am not going to make it to Pavan by 12 which I have to if I want to make cut off at 4. She said she is up against the same thing. That she is doing her best and that is all we can do. And she was PUSHING me. She was beside me, her hand on my back, and she was pulling me along with her. I never saw her face. I don't even know how old she was. She sounded older. She sounded shorter. I don't even know if I saw her. But she pushed me. And pretty soon we got to a hill. And I am good at hills. And her knee was bad. And I got away from her on the hill. But she caught me. She was walking but she caught me. She told me she was in last place, that I was the last 100 miler and that she would not let me quit. She said she would annoy me. Except for telling her my name and the ages of my children I said nothing. She yammered on. I struggled to keep ahead of her. Shuffling walking and running. She just walked behind me. I stopped crying. I felt strong again. I felt invincible. My splits for those last 6 k were crazy, sub 14 sub 11(!) sub 13 sub 13 sub 14 and sub 12. Crazy. I made it to Pavan at 11:50 a.m.

I knew at that moment I would finish. As miserably depressed as I was 90 minutes ago I was in a state of near euphoria. I had a plan. I was going to kill this north loop. I told my dad to have my hydration pack ready, full of gels. That I was coming in in less than 4 hours then heading out. No break, no nothing, there wouldn't be time.

I marched out of Pavan at 11:53 a.m.

This 16k Pavan loop was another lesson.

My dad told me to drink. He said I needed water. I said I didn't. I was wrong. I had my hydration belt. It was good on Friday, and Friday was hot. But I made a mistake, I forgot to drink at the aid station. Usually I downed a couple cups. But I forgot. I left.

The Pavan loop has some hills, which I rocked, then this gravel road. Well the gravel road was horribly long this time. I never remembered it being so long. I must have passed some 50kers at the aid station because these ladies started passing me. Big ladies. So they walked by me on this gravel road right as we got to the hills. I told them to go a head because I was dying, of thirst I now realise. But the thing is, they couldn't climb the hills. They would take 4 or 5 steps and then stop to catch their breath. It was surreal. Here they walked past me like I was standing still, yet I march pass them on the hills. So I get through the hills again. But I am thirsty now. I know this feeling and it is not good. There is a water drop. I get there. I collapse. I drink drink drink drink. I thought I was there forever but it couldn't have been that long, maybe 3-4 min. Then the ladies come by and I leave. Then about 5 minutes later they march past me. These big ladies. Like they were big. The type of runner with an 80 minute 10k time, you know, I mean I know I used to have an 80 min 10k time. I know what they look like and they look like what just walked by me. And I couldn't keep up. Turns out I didn't drink enough at the water drop and misjudged the time it took to get to PAVAN. I think I did anyway. Things are a bit of a blurr. I know the walk from the water drop to Pavan was short the last 2 times. It was nice. It was in the trees, no shade but you got some cooling from the vegetation. But I never got to Pavan. I kept thinking it is right there, but it wasn't. It never was. I didn't get it. Before, on Friday, in the heat of the day I didn't even go through my bottles. And on Saturday I am dying. What? And where is Pavan. It is a short little jaunt, but it isn't there. I kept seeing buildings in the trees, it was the weirdest thing, I would see a log cabin and think, "that wasn't there before," then I would get closer and it would just be a bush. I kept seeing people sitting in the bush that turned out to be trees or flags. Finally 2 volunteers came. They said I had to motor if I was going to make the cut off. I had no idea where I was or how long I had to go. I was walking slow, 16 min, 17 min, 18 min ks. That's slow. I wasn't depressed though. I wasn't crying. I wasn't sad. I was mostly at peace. I was incredibly satisfied. I was happy. Even before the volunteer came and offered me the rest of her water I was happy. I was going to get this Pavan loop done even though 5 hours ago I was ready to collapse on a road. I had my victory. I was soooooooo happy. I wasn't happy I was quitting or that I gave up. To me it didn't look like that at all. So weird. So very very very very very very weird.

Turns out I got to Pavan right at 4:00 p.m. Right at the cut off. I could have went on. I didn't. I quit when those ladies passed me 4k out.

edit: Ha, I forgot to say how far I made it. 147k in 32 hours. So there you have it.

shower, bath. Went to watch the last of the 100 milers come in and some of the 50 kers. Good for them. I was happy for them, still am. Had some beers, nice dinner with dad, passed out by 8 or 9 not really sure.


I have so many mixed feelings about this race. I wrote most of this report, including this part, the day after. Most of it at 6:00 a.m. At 6:00 a.m. I was positive that the problem I had was my fitness. That my legs failed me. True, my feet were very very sore, but my feet could climb, they could run, they could walk. It was my legs that were not moving fast enough. It was their fault.

Now, that could have been my weight, at 185 I am not exactly light. It could have been I went out to hard to start, I reviewed peoples times and many of the later finishers had first loops slightly slower than mine. One had a first loop an hour slower. But for the most part I was in line with the late finishers, a fairly fast first loop, relatively, followed by a decline.

Sure, I ran out of water, and that was stupid, but my decline started long before that right? The thing is, it didn't. It didn't start. I started it. It was my lack of discipline that started it. It was my lack of will that started it. It was me being satisfied with anything over 100kms that started it. It was me being happy that I beat my 100km pr and still felt fresh enough to knock out some more km that started it. It was my embarrassment of being passed by fat chicks that started it. It was my unwillingness to even lift my head and acknowledge these people as they passed me that started it. I thought I was weak so I became weak. I left HQ, and Dan passed me again, and I thought....well I don't remember what I thought. But it was something like waaaa waaaa waaaaa woe is me. That is what happened.

That stretch from HQ to Peenaquim took me 30 minutes longer the third time than the second time. But you know what, the stretch from Peenaquim to Pavan only took me 20 minutes longer, AND IT IS THE HARDER LEG, and that includes my complete utter meltdown for the first half of that leg.

When I got into Pavan I KNEW I was strong. I had a plan to finish the race. I made a dumb mistake. A dumb dumb dumb dumb mistake. But here is the thing about that mistake. Is even with that mistake it only took me, wait for it, 10 minutes longer on the Pavan loop the third time around than the second time around. AND IT IS THE HARDEST SOUL SUCKING LOOP, and I only lost 10 minutes (of course I got lost the first time which cost me 7 minutes.... but still that only makes 17 minutes). And I was THAT close to having sever dehydration. Like I don't get it. I just don't get it. Time was moving so slowly. So so slowly in that last stretch. My splits put me at 16 or 17 min km which is only 2 minutes off my goal of 15 min km. Now that is crawling, but it felt like so much slower.

Tim Noakes has a quote, it is on my dash, "Your body will argue that there is no justifiable reason to continue. Your only recourse is to call on your spirit, which fortunately functions independently of logic." Now it is pithy but it doesn't quite catch the substance of his thoughts on the subject which is NOT what you hear people say, "my mind was strong but my body was weak" it is the other way around, the muscles are able, the tendons are able, the heart is able; it is the mind that gives up. And it did, it gave me every excuse in the book. It was tricky to. It gave me the pleasure of a complete breakdown followed by a resurgence and allowed me to run a loop that I thought I thought (you read that right) I couldn't do, in essence giving me a victory. I was HAPPY to stop. I was SATISFIED. I had NO REGRETS. None. But splits don't lie and those last 6 km to Pavan before the big loop were sub 14 sub 11(!) sub 13 sub 13 sub 14 and sub 12. Those are splits up hills, down hills and flat running. Those are splits of a body that was able to continue. I never really understood that quote and the power of your mind to argue, to trick you, to rob you.

So, more proactively, what limited my ability.

1. Um, black shorts on a HOT day, enough said.
2. Not bringing water. Deciding I was tired of peeing too much???????huh? really?
3. How about some shoes.
4. How about you lube your feet;
5. How about you let someone look at your feet when your dad says, "why don't we have someone look at your feet if they are sore."
6. Drop bags at each station, even with my dad it is stupid to have someone lugging a bag around.
7. Remember the race does not start until you have a melt down. That is the clue that your mind is tricking you.
8. Less time at aid stations. No time at aid stations. I think the best thing to do would be to have 2 fuel belts or camel backs so that one could be ready to go, filled with food
9. I need a pacer. The pacer isn't there to distract you or push you in the conventional sense; you need someone to argue back to your mind. That lady who pushed me in that leg, she was that voice.
10. Prepare better. Respect the distance. This was the most important race for me for over a year and I tapered by running a 50 miler, a mountain marathon then taking 2 weeks off. Dumber than dumb. Everyone said it was dumb. But I thought I was tough. I thought I was hard. There are people that do it, I am not one.
11. Oh, and running for 5 hours at night is nothing like running for 5 hours in the middle of the day. Not very good training.
12. Also, second loop has to be faster.
13. Oh, keep track of your splits so you know what is going on. Get accurate distance numbers on first lap so you know exactly how far you have to go. Have that read out to you as you leave. Know what you did last loop and what you should do this loop, slower but not too much slower.
14. BE AFRAID. I was afraid, I didn't know if I had it in me, I was apprehensive, but you have to be scared out of your pants. Being scared makes you prepared. I am now very very very scared.
15. Eat early, eat often. The gel thing worked. The heed thing worked. Fish and potatoes worked. Cliff bars worked (but should have started them at the beginning not at km 80.

Listen it is 100 miles. What limited my ability, it was everything. Everything I did do or failed to do limited me. It was a gradual decline. I am struggling for the words for it. I don't know what stopped me. I don't know why.

I think I have to accept that going 100 miles.....well it does stuff to your head. It does stuff to your body too but mostly to your mind. I trained for exhaustion, to fight through exhaustion, but I couldn't train that breakdown. Maybe there is a way you can simulate it without doing a race like this. I don't know how. I heard about it, but I was not prepared, I had no idea what it would be like.

50 people started, 20 finished, and 12 of those took more than 30 hours. I don't say that to justify my DNF. I actually have the feeling that there is no difference between giving up at 50k or 150k. Whenever you gave up, you gave up. You got to the point where you thought you couldn't continue and you believed it.

There is more.

Listen, this race report is not done. There is more. You may read this and think I had a miserable time. But I didn't. I truly didn't. I am angry and hurt and saddened by the result, but except for the result the race was a magical experience. I am having a tough time seeing the specifics that made the experience magical, but they are there. The biggest one was having my dad there. The second one was the volunteers. The third was the brutal course. The Fourth was the awesome breakfast on Sunday. The fifth was just being there, being part of it, living it, all 32 hours of it, the good and the bad and the ugly......and maybe even the failure, I don't know.


I got to let it go though. I am filing it under unfinished business.

edited yet again: So it is Tuesday and I think I am through the worst of it. The thing that keeps getting to me is when it fell apart. Should I have gone slower on the first loop and faster on the second or just tried to go faster on the second? I don't think it is rational to expect that I could have made the finish if I left Pavan at 4:00 p.m. But I will NEVER know. And that is what I regret the most. I don't really regret the crying, or the breakdown, or the slowdown. I regret giving up. At the time I thought it would be good to give it a try but I didn't think I could take it emotionally to push any further without the guarantee of success. I was wrong at what success was. Success was putting one foot in front of the other until they pull you from the course. Success wasn't finishing. Just like success was finishing that north loop success would have been making it to Peenaquim prior to cut off, or not. At least I would know.

But at the same time....13k in 3 hours is a 13:50 pace. I had that pace in the last 6k from Peenaquim to Pavan. I had that pace 16k ago when a little lady pushed towards a hill. Could I have gotten it back. I will always wonder.

Edited again. Okay, so it is Wednesday. I am totally going through the 5 stages of grief on this one. Think it is over now though.




This is the best race ever. The best group of people. The best racers. The best volunteers. This is the best race. I have no idea how they put it on for 170 bucks. It is the best.

It is also the hardest.