Yes, something on my mind is bothering me, and I need your help.

I'm a married guy of 20 years so I don't have a lot of advice as to where to meet people.  My wife frowns on me doing that for some reason.  

I think you're onto the right path with getting more active in local Tri clubs.  I know there are several "intense" single Tri women in the clubs I participate in.

Just general advice too is to communicate and be yourself.  If it's a date or a long term relationship communication is the key to happiness.  For example if you go on a first date and things look like they're going well you can even point out that you're really into Tri's and have been accused of being intense about it.  Then if she sees said intense behavior she can talk to you about it versus just ignoring you.  I always say be yourself because if you start a relationship on a fake persona then it's doomed to fail before it ever starts.  If you're intense then you're intense don't try to be something you're not.

The "Triathlon Dating Thread" has moved off the first page, but take a look if you have a few hours to kill. Some funny stuff from some of us in your same situation.

Have you tried fitnesssingles.com?

My advice would be to take a hard/honest look at why this seems to be a pattern in your dating feedback.

Have you ever gotten to the root of what is mean't by "intense"?  I think this may be part of the issue.  All those "other" things you have to offer may never come though if all you do/say/talk about is your training and racing.

The Triathlon Dating forum has 25 pages!

I'll look at it tonight.

x2. Like tuwood, my wife would object to my dating other women (or other men - I think the rule is a flat "no dating anyone"), so I don't know where you are meeting the women you are having the first dates with. But surely you have some relationships with people in your life who would be honest with you and tell you what is meant when you are being told you are too "intense".

one thing I've noticed is that when I go to the same gym all of the time you see the same people often.  Good chance you'll see women who are fit or trying to be.  I often see the same people at my gym and we'll say good morning or whatever and I would think it'd be easier to interact there than in some singles bar.

Good question about where I met my wife- I was a volunteer on a church fundraising committee with her. 

I could take intense two possible ways and maybe they don't apply to you but maybe it's something to think about:

1. Is the feedback about being physically intense? Such as staring really hard and not blinking or leaning really forward - basically not relaxing in the presence of your date.  This can be really off-putting.  Maybe this is not the case but those things can put people on the defensive -

2.  Is the feedback about being too demanding on a first date?  Which can also be not relaxing into conversation - are you firing off interview questions? Do you let it flow a bit?  It's one thing to learn the stats about someone but that interaction that isn't governed necessarily by content.  Do you need to know all of that off the bat?  Is there an element of fun to the date? Honestly, first dates should set the tone to how you are as a person and if you are intense you don't want to hide it - but it is an introduction, not a job interview and if she feels as though you are mentally checking off your list of 'wants' it's a turn off - try talking in a way that might be normal conversation - are you fun? Are you interested in her? Are you laughing or flirty?  If the first date is not fun, there's no way there's going be a second.

Let's go on a Skype "first date" together with coffee (or heck, on our trainers? too intense? ) and I might be able to give you some insight ...

Then again, I'm certified insane and, even for the fact that it's much easier for women to get dates, I get the same feedback quite a bit. I really am intense and incredibly quirky (with a solid case of Tourette's) and I'm perfectly okay with it.

Absolutely love this idea. I'm assuming you will both report back with your thoughs on the "date".

To the OP, I'm not sure how you or your one n done's are using the word "intense", clarification this would help.

I'm not suggesting that this applies to you but one thing I know for sure, no one will care what you know until they know that you care and it's always better to come across as interested than it is interesting. Regarding the txt & e-mails, it really is a very fine line between being too many too soon and not enough.

If you don't take TriAya up on her offer, well I'll just have to shake my head.

Who's "mature"?  It's all subjective.  If you are looking at sharing your life and dating with someone of the same "mindset", then your best chances are in the BT Dating Thread, or in your local area fitness clubs.

I've been married for 20 years and married to someone who is almost a complete opposite of me - she's the Ying to my Yang, so it's frustrating a lot of times, but the balance for a lot of other aspects of my life are terrific.  While in college, a mutual friend brought her along when we went out one night.  We talked and hit it off.

I've been married for 11 years now (second marriage, first wife was very similar to me in personality), one thing to point out: you may not find you match looking for someone with the same "intense" personality.

My wife and I are very different people, we balance each other, my laid back attitude gets checked when something really does need focus, her "intense" attitude to life gets smoothed out when it needs to.

It's not a bad thing dating someone with a different outlook, but you have to be able to communicate openly about it and have similar life goals (long term goals - kids, schools, retirement lifestyle etc) IMO.

I think someone suggested to mention your intense side, be specific about how it manifests and see how someone reacts.  Some may find the openness appealing.  If triathlon has taken over completely though, perhaps your dates recognize there's really no space for them to occupy right now in your life.......

I  would not want to assume that intense is in regards to fitness.

Without knowing you or intending to sound like I am judging... I would want to make sure that "intense" was not a polite way of saying "pushy" which is how I see it used most in the offline world.

When I read, "

I immediately think that, for a first date, focus on a fun time and some get-to-know-you banter mixed with a little flirting if the vibe is right.

Then, stop while you are ahead and leave her wanting for more.

Personally, I did the worst when I tried.

My best relationships happened when they just happened, not when I tried.

H.S. gf - picked me up at a swim meet.

1st love in college - Met at a party where just I swore off trying to pick up woman and wanted to hang with my boys.

2nd best college relationship - friend of a friend hanging out. She just got out of a relationship. We realized that we liked each others company.

Wife - Same work site, different agency... I was dating someone else, and we developed a strong professional respect, became friends first, friends with benefits when I came back on the market.... best friend/wife/baby-momma ever since.

I'm not really sure what you mean by intense as it relates to triathlon or fitness in general.  I don't really think they necessarily go hand in hand (I'm one of the most laid back people in the world!).

But if you're just looking for someone that is into an active healthy lifestyle, just join a tri club, or cycling or running club, or whatever kind of club you like.  I'm sure you'll meet someone there.

I would suggest when you go to the bar next time, under no circumstance should you bring your exercise bike with you!  Okay, if you're that intense we may need baby steps.  Next time, drop your mph down from 21.0 on avg. to 18 or 19.  The ladies will appreciate you being able to complete full sentences.  

Seriously, I've got nothing.  Like tuwood, as a happily married dude, I can't imagine being a single guy.  The advice so far sounds good!  There have to be fit lady dating websites out there somewhere.  Good luck!

Well, hummm, an "intense" triathlete looking for love. Another word for intense could be unbalanced. You only work one end of the spectrum. If what you do is all consuming to you, exactly how do you expect to fit someone else into that? How do you think girls think they will fit into that? Self absorbed is usually not a quality people seek out in others when looking for a relationship.

What you do is not who you are. If what you do IS who your are, then there are other problems. A woman looking to get into a relationship does not want a DR., or a triathlete, or a lazy bum.... they want someone to spend some time with. Sounds like what you want is a work out partner that you can have pizza with from time to time. Certainly nothing wrong with that, but I would understand how you can't find a lot of women flocking to sign up for that deal.

There are plenty of active women out there. If you find one and both of you enjoy being active and you have that in common, that's great. But that is not what a relationship is, and when the newness wears off, you better have something more than you both like being fit. We find what we seek. Perhaps your seeker is not set right?

Just thoughts from a self absorbed OCD triathlete that has no idea what moderation is. YMMV

You're too intense.

This reminds me of something I heard when I was a resident - that the reason we can prove that women don't really have "penis envy" like Freud imagined, is that, while I will only have the one I was born with, as a woman, you can have as many of them as you want!

I read that 1st section in bold and thought "Well that doesn't sound too intense. Sounds like a normal workout day." so I guess I might not be much help but here goes.....

One thing I do want to point out is that you just never know what people will be interested in until you try. I've been married for 15 years, during that time my husband and I have sort of traded fitness intensity. He used to run all the time, was a college athlete and completed 4 marathons. Now, not so much. I used to be happy just going for a bike ride or a hike in the woods. Now I turn a 63 mile bike tour into a race!

My point is that our athletic pursuits were never what our relationship was about, it was just something we liked to do. I never got the feeling from him when we were dating that he cared one way or anther if I went to the gym or went for a run. We had fun together, laughed a lot and enjoyed each others company. So maybe you are putting out some kind vibe that makes your dates think YOU will not be satisfied unless they s/b/r too and that scares them off?

Or maybe you just haven't found the right one.....

Good luck!

Well.... you can have as many as you want too.

Thanks for your comments.

I would disagree that I work on one end of the spectrum. More than others, I think that my focus and discipline in this sport is what IS keeping me balanced, on top of my financial stability, constant reading, etc...

Now, I tend to agree that we are a little 'self-absorbed', but that's the case for anyone who is passionate about something dearly.

Now, to your question about how I'm going to fit someone into my schedule? Well, I don't plan to hang out with her every night. Gosh, in fact, knowing how busy DC is work-wise and us having our 'own' schedules, I'm comfortable hanging out 3-4 times over date nights in/out or whatever it is that revolves around training, working, my weekend reading, hanging out with friends, etc... There is enough time to make that happen. Besides, I'm not training for another IronMan anytime soon.

I bolded your a part of your note above because I find that the situation isn't necessarily true. Yes, we need to support each other outside our own lives for each other, but that is showcased by the discipline that you demonstrate for something that keeps 'you' happy. If you don't have anything going for yourself, how do you expect me to believe that you can have something going for me? Once the newness wears off, sherpa'ing for the things that we love are the things I look forward to.

What am I not seeing?

I think you're right on Powerman.