Am I being unreasonable

Though I feel it a little odd, I think I would have made the introduction ealier if I were him.

BUT, they are HIS kids.  For whatever reason he may have to not introduce you to them, it's his reason and it's important to him.  You need to respect that, IMO.

I think you express your concerns and your desire to meet them.  But if he says no and has his reasons?  You have to respect that.  At least you know where he stands. 

It's hard to say you are beingn unreasonable.  You feel the way you feel.  Of course if that's a deal breaker, then tell him and go from there and deal with the repercussions.

If he doesn't think they are ready I am fine with that but he did not say that.  Instead he told me again for the millionth time how the judge screwed him over and how the 18 year old hates his mother and calls her a slut and how the 12 year is responding to the lies his ex is telling him.  I can't fix any of that.  If I am going to be a part of his life I want to be a part of his whole life and his kids are a big piece of that.

Having just gone through a child custody case and seeing all the options available to charge the other with and ways to limit visits and etc......  It's quite possible he is telling the truth and that THAT is his main concern.

Hard to tell with the limited description you gave though.  No real insight into the relationship as a whole.

Not meeting the kids doesn't make you his dirty little secret.  It just means he may not feel like it is time yet or he has more to lose than to gain by doing that.

just my $.02

Well, I'd have to agree that 18 months is very much plenty of time and based on how you describe the relationship there needs to be a plan on the radar to integrate you with the kids.  Think about it this way.  You date for 2 or 3 years and then get married.  Bam, we have a new step mom.  Or, you get to know them over a period of 2 or 3 years and they get comfortable with you and then you get married.  Much easier integration.

Our neighbors went through a really ugly divorce several years ago and it sounds like it has some similar elements to your BF's.
It's been almost 4 years since their divorce and they're still trying to do everything they can to "get even" and screw the other one over and unfortunately they use the kids as pawns in their nasty game.  The wife is still living in fear every day that if she does this or if she does that he'll use it against her and she's been paralyzed.  She had a boyfriend, but would never let him meet the kids and kept him at distance so long that he finally took off.  She was too afraid of what her ex would think or do that it destroyed everything.
We've finally talked her into getting counseling and it's helped a lot.  She's also stood up to him when he started jacking with the schedule.  Every time he'd be late with the kids or skip a day she'd document it and after a pattern was established she went back to court to get the arrangement changed because he obviously had no desire to follow the way it was.  The judge smacked him down pretty hard and he lost a day with the kids and I believe even upped his child support payment.  Since that day he's never missed a day or been late.

So, I don't know all the facts, but I think you have every right to put your foot down and let him know how it needs to be.  Your situation could drag on for 10 more years for all you know and that's not going to be good for anyone.

Good Luck

i'm not in your relationship but i have been in one like it and there are many more red flags than just the not meeting the younger son.

long distance for 18 months -- when do you or he plan to move?  a lot of long distance fall apart when they finally come together, maybe he is shielding his son from this risk?  maybe he just wants to spend time with YOU during the limited time you have together?

why isn't he fighting the courts when she violates their custody agreement?  of course, he may not have a formal one which is why it is not getting enforced, why won't he get one?  is he worried you being in the picture will affect his negotiations with his ex?  (it will actually make him look better to the courts - but may give her reason to ask for more money/more custody/etc)

just...be careful with this whole situation.  it's far more complex than can be addressed here, i think.  but don't think he is lying to you, plenty of exes use new boyfriends/girlfriends to fuel their custody battle fire...

Well I can't move there because 1-there is no job for me where he lives and even if I did 2-his ex has behaved so badly I would be afraid for my safety and she would slander me thus making professiona pursuits impossible.  Already I have had to file a police report against her for harassment and get a lawyer so she would leave me alone.  He is locked in place for the kids but has a very flexible work schedule plus he hates where he lives and would rather visit me in FL

Also FWIW I have told have told him a million times to put his kids first.  I also have usgggested counseling MANY times however that suggestion has been dismissed

According to him family court in his state is all he said she said.  No evidence.  Because his ex told lies and the court believed her he says he has little to no recourse and she can do what ever she wants and get away with it.  They do have a formal agreementbut she violates it all the time and his stance is that the court doesn't care because at the end of the day his kid has enough to eat, clothes to wear, is not being beaten (at least physically)  and a roof over his head and there are many kids who do not

Well, then it's a difference between what you want and what he wants.  THAT is the issue, not the kids per say.  It's a difference in wants/needs.

If it's a deal breaker and he wont budge on what you feel YOU want/need, then move on.

Again, it sounds odd to me that he won't introduce you, but they are HIS kids and if you can't live with his wishes on the matter of his kids, then you are out of luck.

Sound like it's a YOU issue.  You want to be a part of his whole life including his kids because that would be nice for YOU and it's what YOU want.  If he doesn't feel the same (write or wrong)?  That's his choice.  He has told you a million times and just because his reasons don't seem logical to YOU doesn't mean they are not significant to HIM.  All you can do is express your thoughts and go from there.

Not sure what state he is in, but most family courts won't tolerate violations of scheduled parenting time (like tuwood's friend)

Not having a very specific parenting plan (including a regular and holiday schedule down to the specific time/method/location of transitions in a high conflict divorce is a recipe for disaster. 

He should document his ex's violations of the parenting schedule (emails, voice mails, video) and hire a lawyer (probably a better one that he had the first go around) and ask the court to require her to follow the current agreement and implement a better defined schedule. Sounds like they could probably benefit from a child advocate or guardian ad litem might be in order too.

I don't see how any of the issues with his ex have an impact the kids meeting you at this point. Unless you have some really bad criminal history or are a threat to the kids, anything his ex could have used against him in the divorce has long since passed. Sure, she'll probably blow a gasket, but it sounds like that is a common occurrence, what's one more?

I'm a little confused what you want to get out of this thread.

Everyone here on BT can say you are reasonable and HE is the one unreasonable.  What does that change?  Nothing.  Going to print out the thread and show him how unreasonable he is?  Knowing you are "right" will that make him change or will you just feel better knowing you are right (and still not meeting he kids).

If everyone here said you were the one being unreasonable, seems you feel pretty strong about it, would you change your mind and not persue it anymore?

I agree with this.  You don't need to get sucked into someone else's mess, it's not fair to you and a no-win situation. Your BF's carrying a lot of baggage right now.  IMHO it sounds like he needs to get his life sorted out before he asks you to make a commitment.

You deserve to a have happy and loving relationship unburdened by this kind of stuff.

Mark

I can identify with both sides of this.  I had a horrible divorce and a nasty custody battle.  I was also dating someone through my entire divorce proceeding, and she and I both were friendly with each others kids.  However, now that I am divorced officially (and have been for 18 months) I'm a lot more sheltering of my kids.  Mine are a lot younger than 18 and 12, though.  It sounds to me like he may have some residual feelings for his ex-wife, or more appropriately he's still mourning the change in lifestyle brought about by the divorce.  He's probably hurting because his kids are clearly hurting.  Trying to shelter them is a natural emotion.

All that being said~ 18 months and the kids are 18 and 12????  I don't think you're being unreasonable, I think you're displaying an incredible amount of patience.  I wouldn't wait around personally (life is too short) but if he means that much to you, you're going to need to live like this until he can see a counselor and get his kids help, as well.

You're right. He's unreasonable. You're the "dirty secret".

Get out. Dump his a$$.

Feel better?

Sue,

big red flags to me.....speaking from my own experience both going through divorce and dating post divorce.

something is not right

you deserve better.....

so how do you envision this working out in the long run?  he is stuck near his ex for 6 more years for his son's sake.  you want a long distance relationship for 6 more years?  you want to deal with restraining orders and ruining your career for 6 more years?  it's great that he likes to visit you, but he can't LIVE with you....is that ok with YOU?

All I can suggest is having you both meet with a professional counselor and see if anything gets resolved.

And you don't like that answer.  Fair enough.  It's a terrible answer, IMO (reasonable or not).  And????  I still don't see the question.  If your question is if your response/feelings to his answer are "reasonable" then I would say yes, there are VERY reasonable, but that doesn't make HIM change or modify his reasoning.  There are a lot of things people believe/think (even my wife) that seem TO ME, unreasonable, but I have to respect that what's unreasonable to me, may seem very reasonable to them.

You have talked about it so you can accept it or not and move on or deal with it.  Like other said, (and I have as well), it's odd to me, and would throw up red flags.  I guess knowing if his "answer" is reasonable or not to the general public may help you decide what to do next?

If I was dating long distance they would not meet my kids.  My husband did not meet my boys until there were plans to get engaged/married.  They did not meet anybody I dated.  If there are no plans to live in the same place why do you need to meet the kids.  Seems to me when he has them he should be with them. Make whatever plans you want for yourself.

If the divorce wasn't final, I might be able to understand it.

But with it being finalized AND you dating for 18 months..... yeah, he's hiding something. Either you, or something from you.

Best of luck to you, trust your instincts - not your heart.

I have to also agree with TriToy, based on my experience as well. There's just something not right here, in my opinion.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to ask about meeting his kids after 18 months. I understand that each situation is different, but I don't understand how his "screwed over" answer is really an answer... ? It may be true that he got screwed over, but why does that mean the kids can't meet you? I'm not getting it either. 

And honestly, for me, even if he had said that the kids weren't ready, I would really wonder why... I mean, they are not little tiny kids...and 18 months is decent chunk of time. It's not like you're asking to move in with them, for crying out loud. You just want to meet them. 

So, yeah, there are some red flags here. It seems to me that he is so afraid of alienating the 12 year old that he'll put up with whatever the ex dishes out. Either that has to change, or you have to accept that reality if your relationship is going to survive. No easy answer either way.

Disclaimer: I realize that with two divorces under my belt I am hardly any type of relationship expert, but I do have some experience in the area of dating with kids. Feel free to PM me any time if it would help.

Sorry to hear you are having to go through this, especially at this time of year. Having to deal with an Ex who is a control freak is draining.

Based on what you've said and if I understand you've not met the 18 yr old either?

After a year and a half the only suggestion I have would be to step back, take a look at what has transpired, how you feel about it and what you think the future looks like and what you want for the future and evaluate what is in your best interests.

Good luck to you with whatever you decide and Happy Holidays.