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Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... (Page 2)
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 2010-10-01 11:24 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Champion  6786      Two seat rocket plane |  Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports...IMO, this should NOT be approached as a negotiation, that puts you and your wife in opposition right from the get-go when, in fact, you are (or should be) on the same side of making your relationship work. Deal with the underlying issue, then assess where that leaves you wrt endurance training. |
| 2010-10-01 11:37 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Champion 6962 Atlanta, Ga | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... A good response would be: "You're right honey...we should work less" If you don't have time for Tri's, then make it by working less. Less stress, more healthy activity. Problem solved! |
| 2010-10-01 11:40 AM in reply to: #3128044 |
Elite 4235 Spring, TX | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... All, thanks for the responses. I'm between meetings right now, so I haven't been able to read everything yet! |
| 2010-10-01 11:54 AM in reply to: #3128327 |
| Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... ride_like_u_stole_it - 2010-10-01 7:24 AM IMO, this should NOT be approached as a negotiation, that puts you and your wife in opposition right from the get-go when, in fact, you are (or should be) on the same side of making your relationship work. Deal with the underlying issue, then assess where that leaves you wrt endurance training. x2 Don't even bring up Ironstar or IMTX in your initial conversations. Those races are besides the point. There is obviously a problem your wife sees in your current lifestyles...otherwise she wouldn't be asking for such a drastic change. Try to solve those problems first and see where the races fall after that. I'm guessing your wife is smart enough to also realize the $1500 in sunk costs. And is also smart enough to realize that one weekend ride a week is not enough to train for an IM. So there is no need to state the obvious. She's likely already had that debate of losing $1500 in her head already. |
| 2010-10-01 12:08 PM in reply to: #3128044 |
Extreme Veteran 751 | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Balance + compromise + communication = a chance. (suspect from how this conversation is being related, that you may need outside help working through what "hasn't been said") |
| 2010-10-01 1:12 PM in reply to: #3128044 |
Pro 4277 Parker, CO | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... I've been in this situation...though I don't work 70-hours a week. But I do have kids. Anyway, I could make a really long story or a short one. I'll go with the short. For us it came down to communication and having time together (not training time). I still s/b/r...she still runs and occasionally swims. But she knows that she and the kids are more important than my training time. I limit my races, I make sure I do family stuff, and we get one on one time. A spouse does not want to feel that they are less important than a bicycle or pair of running shoes. As far as the money you have in entrance fees. I wouldn't worry about it. You need to make sure you are not losing the connection with your wife. |
| 2010-10-01 1:12 PM in reply to: #3128377 |
Champion 14571 the alamo city, Texas | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Marvarnett - 2010-10-01 12:37 PM A good response would be: "You're right honey...we should work less" If you don't have time for Tri's, then make it by working less. Less stress, more healthy activity. Problem solved! I totally vote for this answer, but, again, based on previous threads, they are not considering that as an option. |
| 2010-10-01 1:15 PM in reply to: #3128631 |
| Iron Donkey 38643 , Wisconsin | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... rayd - 2010-10-01 1:12 PM I've been in this situation...though I don't work 70-hours a week. But I do have kids. Anyway, I could make a really long story or a short one. I'll go with the short. For us it came down to communication and having time together (not training time). I still s/b/r...she still runs and occasionally swims. But she knows that she and the kids are more important than my training time. I limit my races, I make sure I do family stuff, and we get one on one time. A spouse does not want to feel that they are less important than a bicycle or pair of running shoes. As far as the money you have in entrance fees. I wouldn't worry about it. You need to make sure you are not losing the connection with your wife. Get out of my head, rayd. But, at least your wife runs and swims. |
| 2010-10-01 1:35 PM in reply to: #3128044 |
Elite 3460 Slackerville, USA | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... It makes me sad to think that someone would put training above family. I think the spouse should come first. If that means I don't tain any more, than so be it. I think there is an underlieing issue that needs to be addressed but approach it with "You're most important and I will do whatever it takes to keep you in my life." Most likely if you can address what the real problem is, then the training will work out as well. As far as the money goes, if you get divorced it will cost you a lot more than $1500. |
| 2010-10-01 1:38 PM in reply to: #3128302 |
Expert 1083 The Woodlands, TX | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... dhopman - 2010-10-01 11:17 AM Stick it out through May. Get through IMTX then re-assess your priorities. Change up the routine, make it fresh, fun, social, interactive with the wife, etc. Don't let a bad day at the office kill the party. =) Honestly, with IMTX not being until May I wouldn't wait until then to re-assess, she might be long gone by then  You need to talk to her, the sooner the better. |
| 2010-10-01 1:44 PM in reply to: #3128195 |
| Extreme Veteran 412 Panama City | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Well, if she wants out...that's her choice. And you stay focused, that's your choice. Being married doesn't mean giving up your individuality. You have to maintain some sense of "you". Let her quit, she might miss it and come back to it later. If you get out of tri's, then chances are you will have resentment towards her inside and that's not gonna work either. also, i doubt giving up tri's will save a marriage like some people on here are hinting at. it might postpone the inevitable if that's where things are heading. you have to be able to take care of yourself before you can help others. Edited by brycoy 2010-10-01 1:46 PM |
| 2010-10-01 1:45 PM in reply to: #3128709 |
Champion 10019 , Minnesota Bronze member | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Agreed! It's time for "the talk", now.
She's giving you a big chance here, I hope you both can find a way to talk and listen and work it out. Good luck, man! I wish you had another job - I really feel for you. erin116 - 2010-10-01 1:38 PM dhopman - 2010-10-01 11:17 AM Stick it out through May. Get through IMTX then re-assess your priorities. Honestly, with IMTX not being until May I wouldn't wait until then to re-assess, she might be long gone by then Change up the routine, make it fresh, fun, social, interactive with the wife, etc. Don't let a bad day at the office kill the party. =) You need to talk to her, the sooner the better. |
| 2010-10-01 1:52 PM in reply to: #3128726 |
Champion 14571 the alamo city, Texas | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... brycoy - 2010-10-01 2:44 PM Well, if she wants out...that's her choice. And you stay focused, that's your choice. Being married doesn't mean giving up your individuality. You have to maintain some sense of "you". Let her quit, she might miss it and come back to it later. If you get out of tri's, then chances are you will have resentment towards her inside and that's not gonna work either. also, i doubt giving up tri's will save a marriage like some people on here are hinting at. it might postpone the inevitable if that's where things are heading. you have to be able to take care of yourself before you can help others. Nobody is saying he should give up triathlon. Everyone is saying they need to sit and talk and figure out what the real issue is and how to address it as a team. |
| 2010-10-01 1:57 PM in reply to: #3128044 |
Elite 4235 Spring, TX | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Once again, thanks for the comments. I've got another meeting in a few, but a few quick responses: |
| 2010-10-01 2:10 PM in reply to: #3128044 |
Extreme Veteran 442 | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Now, we're 28 & 29 yrs old, no kids, and both work between 60-70 hours a week. There are companies that do not make you work 60-70 hours and actually encourage a 40 hour week. In the long run there are other career options - lotsa companies in Houston would love your skills and not make you go away for 2+ months. That might go a long way toward helping. If I worked that much I wouldn't have the energy to train for anything... |
| 2010-10-01 2:10 PM in reply to: #3128700 |
Champion 11989 Philly 'burbs | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... pdbman - 2010-10-01 2:35 PM It makes me sad to think that someone would put training above family. I think the spouse should come first. If that means I don't train any more, than so be it. "You're most important and I will do whatever it takes to keep you in my life." Which spouse comes first? What if keeping him in her life means continuing to do triathlon? Whatever it takes, right? /hijack edited for grammar Edited by mrbbrad 2010-10-01 2:11 PM |
| 2010-10-01 2:11 PM in reply to: #3128726 |
Pro 6767 the Alabama part of Pennsylvania | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... brycoy - 2010-10-01 2:44 PM Well, if she wants out...that's her choice. And you stay focused, that's your choice. Being married doesn't mean giving up your individuality. You have to maintain some sense of "you". Let her quit, she might miss it and come back to it later. If you get out of tri's, then chances are you will have resentment towards her inside and that's not gonna work either. also, i doubt giving up tri's will save a marriage like some people on here are hinting at. it might postpone the inevitable if that's where things are heading. you have to be able to take care of yourself before you can help others. NOTHING is inevitable until it happens. The attitude that comes across in your first paragraph (which may not be how it was intended - something is always lost in translation on a board) is rather selfish - "I'll do what I want. You're not the boss of me!". What the wife may be saying (and the OP needs to talk TO HER to be sure) is not that she wants him to stop training just because she wants to stop racing. It is more likely she is giving him the warning that things are not rosy in marriage-ville. If she quits, and he just throws himself even more in the training, it will be very bad for the marriage, since her goal is not to have him isolate himself more, but to connect more. It is not a matter of just saying "well, if I give up triathlon, then the marriage is saved". It is a matter of saying "triathlons" (or whatever else may be sucking up time/energy/attention) is having a detrimental effect on the intimacy of the relationship (in the emotional, not neccesarily physical sense). So the marriage is already experiencing some damage that now needs attention. |
 2010-10-01 2:12 PM in reply to: #3128755 |
| Subject: ... This user's post has been ignored. |
| 2010-10-01 2:13 PM in reply to: #3128779 |
| Pro 6767 the Alabama part of Pennsylvania | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... mrbbrad - 2010-10-01 3:10 PM pdbman - 2010-10-01 2:35 PM It makes me sad to think that someone would put training above family. I think the spouse should come first. If that means I don't train any more, than so be it. "You're most important and I will do whatever it takes to keep you in my life." Which spouse comes first? What if keeping him in her life means continuing to do triathlon? Whatever it takes, right? /hijack edited for grammar If it is interfering with the relationship, it needs to be addressed. Otherwise you get to say stuff like "But honey,going to strip clubs and getting lap dances is important to me. You can't ask me to give that up!" |
| 2010-10-01 2:14 PM in reply to: #3128755 |
| Master 5557 , California | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Andrew - I used to work a similar number of hours, maybe even more when my company was in crunch time. It started to drain me and I wasn't even participating in triathlons back then. I lost a relationship because of it. I think there is a balance to be found and while your wife may have her eye on the training hours, I'd be wary of the work hours also. It's something you guys should discuss face to face or with a counselor - whichever you decide. I know being ex-military that I gravitate towards a routine and even if my hours are high, I find a way to mash things together into a boring, predictable sequence each day. But I was blind to the hardship it placed on my ex. It's the old saying of how you can't see the forest for the trees. Best wishes to both of you. |
| 2010-10-01 2:14 PM in reply to: #3128780 |
| Member 5452 NC | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... gearboy - 2010-10-01 3:11 PM brycoy - 2010-10-01 2:44 PM Well, if she wants out...that's her choice. And you stay focused, that's your choice. Being married doesn't mean giving up your individuality. You have to maintain some sense of "you". Let her quit, she might miss it and come back to it later. If you get out of tri's, then chances are you will have resentment towards her inside and that's not gonna work either. also, i doubt giving up tri's will save a marriage like some people on here are hinting at. it might postpone the inevitable if that's where things are heading. you have to be able to take care of yourself before you can help others. NOTHING is inevitable until it happens. The attitude that comes across in your first paragraph (which may not be how it was intended - something is always lost in translation on a board) is rather selfish - "I'll do what I want. You're not the boss of me!". What the wife may be saying (and the OP needs to talk TO HER to be sure) is not that she wants him to stop training just because she wants to stop racing. It is more likely she is giving him the warning that things are not rosy in marriage-ville. If she quits, and he just throws himself even more in the training, it will be very bad for the marriage, since her goal is not to have him isolate himself more, but to connect more. It is not a matter of just saying "well, if I give up triathlon, then the marriage is saved". It is a matter of saying "triathlons" (or whatever else may be sucking up time/energy/attention) is having a detrimental effect on the intimacy of the relationship (in the emotional, not neccesarily physical sense). So the marriage is already experiencing some damage that now needs attention. . . . or she could have just had a bad day. |
| 2010-10-01 2:22 PM in reply to: #3128787 |
| Champion 11989 Philly 'burbs | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... gearboy - 2010-10-01 3:13 PM mrbbrad - 2010-10-01 3:10 PM pdbman - 2010-10-01 2:35 PM It makes me sad to think that someone would put training above family. I think the spouse should come first. If that means I don't train any more, than so be it. "You're most important and I will do whatever it takes to keep you in my life." Which spouse comes first? What if keeping him in her life means continuing to do triathlon? Whatever it takes, right? /hijack edited for grammar If it is interfering with the relationship, it needs to be addressed. Otherwise you get to say stuff like "But honey,going to strip clubs and getting lap dances is important to me. You can't ask me to give that up!" I hear you and I was being a bit facetious. The comment from ppdmman smacks of codependency to me. "I will do whatever it takes to keep you"? I will do whatever it takes to keep my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health. This was read at my (second  ) wedding:On Marriage You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. |
| 2010-10-01 2:30 PM in reply to: #3128044 |
| Expert 1023 Ft Gordon, GA | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... Sounds like there is a good chance that it is not theendurance sports or the relationship but the jobs. Maybe it's time for a change in employment. |
| 2010-10-01 2:34 PM in reply to: #3128755 |
| Champion 14571 the alamo city, Texas | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... AndrewMT - 2010-10-01 2:57 PM - We do need to work on quality time together, there's no doubt about that. I just dont' see the time I/we spend working out as an impediment to that. This is the big red flag to me, and what I expected once you elaborated. If you are too exhausted to do anything...the time you are spending together probably isn't "quality." You seem to be coping with it better than she is...she needs you. These points contradict each other a little bit. You know that working out is hurting your quality time. And you really might need a third party if your job is too stressful, but she doesn't approve of changing jobs, you started tris together, now she isn't OK with that either. Something isn't being said!! Good luck. AND GET A NEW JOB!!!!  |
| 2010-10-01 3:11 PM in reply to: #3128044 |
| Extreme Veteran 493 Greer, South Carolina | Subject: RE: Wife aske me to give up endurance sports... When my wife and I got married 21 years ago, we built our lives together based on some simple priorities. For us, those are faith, family, career, and hobbies, in that order. As long as we feel like we are a priority to the other, we tend to feel loved and secure in the relationship. I would guess that your wife feels like something is missing from the relationship because you are both too tired to spend true quality time together. The 2 major culprits here are work and triathlon and triathlon is the easiest to deal with in the near term. If it were me, I would take a short break from triathlon and put that time and focus on your relationship. I would bet that once your wife feels a little more secure and balanced that she would be open to continuing the triathlon training. It's not about giving up yourself or your interests for her. It's about making her feel like she is more important to you than anything else, specifically your career and triathlon. |
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