Friend killed by drunk driver, kids & grief advice needed please

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your childhood friend's husband.  You sound like an EXTREMELY great friend to step up and help, and that is truly fantastic.

Just be there for them as much as you can and are willing to.  You are taking quite a lot of responsibility on yourself, so if it becomes too much, look for some assistance, too.  Don't think that you HAVE to do it all yourself.

Maybe your friend needs her family close together now more than ever to get her through the day.  Help her out with the "little" things like cleaning, making meals, etc., if possible.  See if they want to talk out their feelings as honest as they can so they don't keep it all bottled up.  Give it time.

Maybe look into a fundraiser for the family.  If they a member of a certain church, then see what the church can do to help.

Wishing you all the best.

Sorry for the loss.  I do hope that the wife's OB has been notified so he can keep a closer eye on her - being pregnant and not eating is not good! 

For the older children, if they are in the US (you mentioned different countries) maybe look into MADD for a support group of teens or a church group that offers grief counseling. 

For the younger children write stories of your memories with their father to read later in life.  Include pictures and have other people who knew him share also.  Being so young they probably will remember little if anything of him.  these stories will help them connect with him.

You mentioned you don't know these children well - so go slowly.  work with the grandparents as they seem to have stepped into the parent role and see how you can get to know the older children better and establish a relationship with them.  if you do not live in same city/state hire out a cleaning service, baby sitter service so grandma can take a nap or even a cater for a few meals. 

Again, my condolences to the family and you for your loss!

cathleen

I am so very sorry.

You are a darling for caring so much about his family. Remember also that you are grieving, and to tend to your own needs.

Lots of good suggestions here. Regular phone calls and e-mails just to check in can go a long way. The older children will appreciate being spoken to and e-mailed personally even if there's not much said. It helps so very much to know that someone cares. The words are not so important. Nearly all the children except for the youngest will likely benefit from having little notes or cards mailed to them, personally, as well, and maybe a batch of cookies or muffins sent.

No need to be elaborate or even that frequent on mailed items.

All the best. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the family.

I lost my Dad at an early age... 5yo.

The worst thing somone can do is to avoid talking about the deceased person.... for fear it will instill sadness.  People tell me that they are afraid to talk about my Dad because they don't want to bring up sadness... I tell them it's not like you (I) "forget" and the minute someone brings up my Dad I say "oh yeah, that's right, he died, I forgot".   You never ever forget... does anyone?

The best thing you can do is talk about the deceased person.  Tell them stories, keep him alive, share photo's.  I love it when people talk about my Dad... when my aunt's and uncle's tell stories of him and how much he was liked and all this stuff.  

Like Pigfinn, I also lost a parent was a wee lad and one thing that strikes me is that these kids are lucky to have you in their lives.  Like she said, making sure they always remember and never forget that they were, are and always will be loved unconditionally is very important.

Glad to hear that the family circling the wagons. The very little children are not likely to remember the experience but will still certainly be touched by it. My Brother was only 13 months old when our mom passed away and his only memories of her are what we tell him. My other brother was old enough to remember her but he also had a tougher time dealing with it all just as I did.

But also as Yanti pointed out, be sure to take care of yourself too. A very good friend of mine passed away under some pretty tragic circumstances recently and it definitely takes a time and effort to go through the grieving process.

Certainly feel free to drop me a message or a PM if there is anything I can do to help. For me anyway, being of assistance to others who are going through this is part of the "healing process"

ETA: For the rest of us, maybe go home tonight and hug someone that is close to you. Or maybe make that phone call to that someone you have not heard from in a while. You just might never know that the person standing next to you is drowning while your standing on firm ground next to them...

I am in a similar position as her. My wife died on July 21 leaving me with 3 kids.

1. Tactical help is good. Don't forget to visit! People bring us meals, but we still eat alone. Show up with a meal (or gift card or whatever) and stay with them. Bring a movie for the kids to watch. Take the kids out (1 on 1 or more than 1) to do things.

2. Find a way to get her away occasionally - a cup of coffee (decaf of course) or whatever. For me, sitting in the house alone (like tonight) is tough because it's a reminder that I'm alone. 

3. Kids grieve differently than adults. Find a support group that specializes in kids. Hospice is a great place to start looking. Here, Houston Hospice offers 2 diffferent classes where the kids go off in age groups and work with a counselor while the adults meet separately. They let the kids express emotions through writing, drawing, etc. - not through talking like we would.

4. Call often. I have two dear friends who have become my surrogate wives. They help me with all of the things I don't think about (school supplies, clotes, washing detergent...you get the picture). I talk to both of them every day. It helps me stay sane.

5. See if you can set up a fund and get people to commit to donate a small amount each month. If 50 people donate $10 a month, that's an extra $500 per month. (no one has done this for me but it seems so obvious). That would help offset child care, maids, yard service, etc.

6. Help her file for social security benefits. Assuming he has been contributing to social security, the kids are likely eligible for benefits - she may be too if she doesn't work. This could be a huge financial help as well. Since you don't know her, this may be a little too personal but you may suggest it for her parents to help.

Don't know if any of that helps  at all, but that's what I see from my perspective. I am having a difficult time with 3 kdis -- I can't imagine being in her situation.

All my best. 

mman, sorry for your loss and my deepest condolences on all counts...

FishrCutB8 had it right, so let me reiterate - grief counseling.  If you can, get her parents engaged on this.  If they don't support her going this route, they are enabling her current state.  I don't mean to be harsh, but it's critical that they help in this regard, if only to say "Go to grief counseling" and they can watch the kids when she goes.

Just my 2 cents...