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Cheating bf & vacation
OptionResults
Go with him, have the best time possible, and try to work things out w/us
Go with him, flirt with every guy I see and make the trip miserable for him
Go by myself and just give him all the money back that he paid
Let him go by himself and lose out on the money I paid (and on Costa Rica)
Ask my fellow BTers if anyone would like go in his place
Go with him, but be the bigger person & act maturely & drop him afterwards
Flip a coin. Winner goes (and takes a friend). Loser stays home.
Never use the bathroom again. Ever.
Drop him AND take a BTer.
Go on your own and let him do whatever he wants.
DUMP HIM. Don't tell him you're going to Costa Rica. Don't give him a penny
Don't go on trips with men you are not married to.
take me in celebration of the one thousandth post
Make up your own friggin mind, what do a bunch of strangers know?
This is a multiple choice poll.

2005-11-17 9:11 AM
in reply to: #286706

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Master
1558
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Pensacola, Fl
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
There you go then....take her!


2005-11-17 9:20 AM
in reply to: #286904

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Queen BTich
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

Very good!

I must say though, I understand where you're coming from, keeping the peace, money, etc.

However, he clearly did not want you back, he was still with this woman until she dumped him because you called and she found out what he was doing! When did he tell you that you could work it out on the trip? Last week when he was still with her?
Go if you must, but be strong and don't take him back. He is going to try to use you as his safety net now that she dumped him.

Cavu9 - 2005-11-17 10:11 AM There you go then....take her!

2005-11-17 9:40 AM
in reply to: #286886

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Buttercup
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 8:59 AM

 Everyone's saying what all my friends have said, but it's just not that easy to drop him and the trip and the money. Easier said than done and I am sure that at least a few of you understand how I feel and where I am coming from on that.

Honey, if you are post-high school, your easy days are over. FORGET about ever making good decisions based on what's EASY. That will never work. You'll just end up making lots of bad decisions because it's easy. Give up the idea that life will be easy and move onto the idea that  wise decisions are sometimes hard.

BUT, no matter how much anger I have toward him, I can't just leave him in a foreign country like that. I don't have it in me.

*coughcodependentcough*

Aside from our overnight whitewater rafting trip, we really have a lot of days in that aren't planned out exactly. So, when we're staying at the beach or at the volcano, I can just get up some mornings and go and do my own thing. And, that's probably the way I'll handle it.

Suckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

 Oh, btw, he's no long with the new girl. I called him on Mon nite to confront him about this and he was with her. Apparently, he was so upset he had to tell her what was going on and she dropped him for being such a jerk.

So, you're saying she has more sense or pride or self-esteem than you do?

Sorry to be so harsh, but you've already gotten loads of excellent advice from your friends and your BT strangers. You don't want our advice, really.

2005-11-17 9:42 AM
in reply to: #286939

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Queen BTich
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

What she said.

(I've been waiting for your reply Renee, I love the way you put things)

Renee - 2005-11-17 10:40 AM

*coughcodependentcough*

Aside from our overnight whitewater rafting trip, we really have a lot of days in that aren't planned out exactly. So, when we're staying at the beach or at the volcano, I can just get up some mornings and go and do my own thing. And, that's probably the way I'll handle it.

Suckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

So, you're saying she has more sense or pride or self-esteem than you do?

You don't want our advice, really.



Edited by TriComet 2005-11-17 9:43 AM
2005-11-17 9:57 AM
in reply to: #286764

Champion
8903
500020001000500100100100100
Orange, Massachusetts
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 7:55 AM
Thanks for the advice. Everyone's pretty much saying what I expected them to say. Unfortunately, I just really want to go on this trip.


I'm sorry, I just can't get past this statement. I may be way off base here, and forgive me if I am and if it comes off sounding crude, but it appears to me that you don't have much of a sense of self worth if you're willing to gut it out with this loser just for the sake of a vacation. I just can't imagine myself going on the vacation of a lifetime and trying to enjoy it, but having to put up with a jerk like this guy.

To me it would be like chosing to do an Ironman or having to give up my relationship with one of my kids. Sometimes in life you just have to grow up and take the high road. Sorry for the way this sounds, but I just find it incredibly shallow of you that you're willing to put a monetary value on things here.

I won't comment again.
2005-11-17 9:57 AM
in reply to: #286912

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Master
4101
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Denver
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
TriComet - 2005-11-17 7:20 AM

Go if you must, but be strong and don't take him back. He is going to try to use you as his safety net now that she dumped him.



Good advice.

I say dump him & then don't talk to him ever again, including trip planning. If he shows up at the airport, he shows up. You shouldn't have to sacrafice your trip because he is a scumbag. I like the idea if changing the itinerary around to be different from his if he actually goes. Also feel free to switch out his water with some tap water when you get there and that will keep him "occupied" and away from you.


2005-11-17 10:01 AM
in reply to: #286886

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Elite
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 7:59 AM
Oh, btw, he's no long with the new girl. I called him on Mon nite to confront him about this and he was with her. Apparently, he was so upset he had to tell her what was going on and she dropped him for being such a jerk.


That's what I like to call "instant karma".

bts
2005-11-17 10:01 AM
in reply to: #286964

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Buttercup
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 7:55 AM Thanks for the advice. Everyone's pretty much saying what I expected them to say. Unfortunately, I just really want to go on this trip.

This is how a Vacation of a Lifetime becomes the Vacation You Wish You Could Forget...

Also known as How I Got Revenge On My Cheating Boyfriend By Being His Bellhop, Tour Guide and Easy Squeeze.

2005-11-17 10:09 AM
in reply to: #286975

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Queen BTich
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

Ohhh...so true!

*Its my "agree with Renee day"...well, for now.

Renee - 2005-11-17 11:01 AM

This is how a Vacation of a Lifetime becomes the Vacation You Wish You Could Forget...



Edited by TriComet 2005-11-17 10:10 AM
2005-11-17 10:16 AM
in reply to: #286706

Champion
6539
5000100050025
South Jersey
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
He said he needed to be w/ someone else before deciding if he was going to spend the rest of his life with me. I said, "If you really needed that, you should have broken up with me first...and, after dating me for 200+ weeks, you could have waited a few more weeks so you didn't ruin our vacation."

He was hoping to have this all figured out by our trip and then tell me about what was happening either during our trip or right after. He's been seeing this girl for about 5-6 weeks, but only saw her like 3 or 4 times, which I sort of believe, because the two of us are together ALL THE TIME. But, 3 or 4, 30 or 40, it doesn't make a difference. Plus, I checked his phone records and the calls were far and few between.




And, Max, I don't think I am being shallow about wanting to take the trip - it's more that I put so much time, effort, and excitement into planning and preparing for this trip that I don't want to lose this either. With the way my life is going now, I honestly don't want to trade in the trip for 10 days of sitting around, by myself, depressed, and not making/doing anything that improves how I am feeling right now. And, unfortunately, the monetary value is of some importance...don't feel like explaining that. Why should I allow him to take even more things away from me?


If anyone was serious about "drop him and take a BTer," PM me. I will definitely think about it. The trip is Dec. 1 - 10, departing from Philly.
2005-11-17 10:17 AM
in reply to: #286706

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Expert
798
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Potomac, Maryland
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
I'm sorry, but even though you've been dating for four years, the fact that you're not married does give each of you some leeway to see other people.  Yes, he's been dishonest, and he should be called on it.  Does that mean dumping him and moving on?  Maybe, but if you've been together this long it seems that a heart to heart talk and some soul searching for you both are in order first.   I say each of you make your own decision to go or not, and each deals maturely with the consequence of that decsion -- stay home and eat the deposit, or go and deal with it like an adult.  If you want to go great, but you have no right to make that decison for him. 


2005-11-17 10:18 AM
in reply to: #286975

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Got Wahoo?
5423
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San Antonio
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
Why on earth would you consider going? It will not be a "vacation of a life time" but a life long reminder of a relationship that ended and a man you trusted who stole your self respect.
2005-11-17 10:18 AM
in reply to: #286706

Veteran
407
100100100100
Dallas, Texas
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
1. What Renee said.
2. Sorry for the lost relationship--that sucks.
3. You will find somebody much better in time.
4. Take his bestfriend/Dad/brother to Costa Rica.

Bill
2005-11-17 10:19 AM
in reply to: #286994

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Queen BTich
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

There you go Lane.

LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 11:16 AM  If anyone was serious about "drop him and take a BTer," PM me. I will definitely think about it. The trip is Dec. 1 - 10, departing from Philly.

2005-11-17 10:21 AM
in reply to: #286994

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Buttercup
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 10:16 AM He said he needed to be w/ someone else before deciding if he was going to spend the rest of his life with me.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!  Oh... man... I think this qualifies as having 'balls' according to nccgrap's definition. Can't blame the boy for trying, feeble though his pathetic excuse is. He doesn't really think you're that stupid, does he?

"I had to cheat on you, Dear, before deciding if I could agree to not cheat on you forever."

But, 3 or 4, 30 or 40, it doesn't make a difference.

Evidently it hasn't made a bit of difference since you're still going on vacation together.

If anyone was serious about "drop him and take a BTer," PM me. I will definitely think about it. The trip is Dec. 1 - 10, departing from Philly.

What a clever ruse! Elicit sympathy then toss out the hook. Excellent strategy! I must write this down for future reference...



Edited by Renee 2005-11-17 10:26 AM
2005-11-17 10:31 AM
in reply to: #286994

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Master
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Athens, Ga.
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 11:16 AM He said he needed to be w/ someone else before deciding if he was going to spend the rest of his life with me. ... And, Max, I don't think I am being shallow about wanting to take the trip - it's more that I put so much time, effort, and excitement into planning and preparing for this trip that I don't want to lose this either. With the way my life is going now, I honestly don't want to trade in the trip for 10 days of sitting around, by myself, depressed, and not making/doing anything that improves how I am feeling right now.

What Renee said. And this - I'm married, but if my hubby had said - before we got married - that "Honey, I love you, but I really don't know how much I love you. Instead of spending time with you, I've been sleeping around on you. But I still have feelings for you, so now we can work it out, especially since you caught me with the girl" then that would have been it. DONE. Finished.

Go on the trip. Don't take him. He cheated on you. That comes with consequences - even if it means he loses a vacation and some money and what was a good relationship until he destroyed it. It's his turn to suck it up and at least start pretending to act grown up about the situation.



2005-11-17 10:42 AM
in reply to: #286995

Champion
6539
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South Jersey
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
Ken - 2005-11-17 10:17 AM

I'm sorry, but even though you've been dating for four years, the fact that you're not married does give each of you some leeway to see other people.  Yes, he's been dishonest, and he should be called on it.  Does that mean dumping him and moving on?  Maybe, but if you've been together this long it seems that a heart to heart talk and some soul searching for you both are in order first.   I say each of you make your own decision to go or not, and each deals maturely with the consequence of that decsion -- stay home and eat the deposit, or go and deal with it like an adult.  If you want to go great, but you have no right to make that decison for him. 


Finally, something I WANT to hear. Something that's not all doom and gloom. Something that says it's okay for me to take the trip (even if it has to be with him). Something that says trying to possibly work things out is still an option and doing so doesn't mean I have zero self-worth/respect/etc.

May not be the best advice, but it's the most positive/encouraging thing I've heard all week.
2005-11-17 10:48 AM
in reply to: #287025

Veteran
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Dallas, Texas
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 10:42 AM

Finally, something I WANT to hear. Something that's not all doom and gloom. Something that says it's okay for me to take the trip (even if it has to be with him). Something that says trying to possibly work things out is still an option and doing so doesn't mean I have zero self-worth/respect/etc.


You will regret going on the trip with him. That I can promise. Before I was married, an ex-girlfriend and I broke up mid-trip in Paris. The remainder of the trip was miserable.

Someone who cheats will do it again. Also, someone with such poor character is not worth the trouble or time.

While not "doom and gloom," do consider this relationship over and past. Find someone worthwhile who treats you well.

Every woman deserves a man who treats her as a princess. Go find yours.

Bill
2005-11-17 10:53 AM
in reply to: #287025

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Buttercup
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

LaurenSU02 - 2005-11-17 10:42 AM 

Finally, something I WANT to hear. Something that's not all doom and gloom. Something that says it's okay for me to take the trip (even if it has to be with him). Something that says trying to possibly work things out is still an option and doing so doesn't mean I have zero self-worth/respect/etc. May not be the best advice, but it's the most positive/encouraging thing I've heard all week.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. You should have used this disclaimer in your original post:

Please only offer advice that I want to hear. I'm having trouble drowning out the good advice of my friends, people who know me and I need to hear what I want to hear, not what I need to hear.

Let me try again:

Lauren, clearly your boyfriend is a liar and cheat, dishonest and untrustworthy. This, however, is no reason not to travel to a foreign land with him, remain in close quarters, tote his luggage around, and deal with the stress of being in an unfamiliar land with unfamiliar customs and people while also dealing with the heartbreak of him trying to ruin your vacation. It is no reason to break up with him. In fact, the only reason to break up with him would be if he made things less than easy for you, or if he stopped paying for vacations.

2005-11-17 10:56 AM
in reply to: #287025

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Got Wahoo?
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San Antonio
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

That is because the only encouraging thing about your current situation is that you get to shed a loser and a liar. A commitment is a commitment - the fact that you weren't married has nothing to do with it. you were betrayed and lied two and possibly more (I'd be on the phone with my GP right about now to get checked out for STD's - condoms don't protect you from orally transmitted diseases).

You really want to go. I understand. But it is not the right thing for you to do (at least with him). Betrayal is betrayal whether it's recognized by your state or not. Married, not married, that's sophistry and an excuse. This man does not value you and I wonder if you value yourself. Where is your self respect? If he did really care about you, and felt the need to test the waters, he could have stoned up, told you how he was feeling and tried a seperation, allowing you to have some control and input in the situation - instead he lied and cheated and got caught, maintaining control as best he could and at the same time robbing you of control. He's doing it now. If you stay with him, or even go on this vacation with him with so many unresolved issues, not only will he NEVER respect you (he already doesn't, but that is another issue), but you will not respect yourself. When the vacation is over, it's gone. You loss of self respect will take some time to heal, if it ever does.

If you don't make a decision to value yourself, you will start to think you deserve this treatment and it will never end, with this BF or another. Sometimes you can't get what you want. I'm sorry to say this, but you need to grow up. Now would be a good time to start.

2005-11-17 11:01 AM
in reply to: #287046

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Giver
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
Wow. Bravo. That was awesome, welshy.

tmwelshy - 2005-11-17 10:56 AM

That is because the only encouraging thing about your current situation is that you get to shed a loser and a liar. A commitment is a commitment - the fact that you weren't married has nothing to do with it. you were betrayed and lied two and possibly more (I'd be on the phone with my GP right about now to get checked out for STD's - condoms don't protect you from orally transmitted diseases).

You really want to go. I understand. But it is not the right thing for you to do (at least with him). Betrayal is betrayal whether it's recognized by your state or not. Married, not married, that's sophistry and an excuse. This man does not value you and I wonder if you value yourself. Where is your self respect? If he did really care about you, and felt the need to test the waters, he could have stoned up, told you how he was feeling and tried a seperation, allowing you to have some control and input in the situation - instead he lied and cheated and got caught, maintaining control as best he could and at the same time robbing you of control. He's doing it now. If you stay with him, or even go on this vacation with him with so many unresolved issues, not only will he NEVER respect you (he already doesn't, but that is another issue), but you will not respect yourself. When the vacation is over, it's gone. You loss of self respect will take some time to heal, if it ever does.

If you don't make a decision to value yourself, you will start to think you deserve this treatment and it will never end, with this BF or another. Sometimes you can't get what you want. I'm sorry to say this, but you need to grow up. Now would be a good time to start.



2005-11-17 11:03 AM
in reply to: #287052

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Queen BTich
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation

THAT is why he is King of COJ.

run4yrlif - 2005-11-17 12:01 PM Wow. Bravo. That was awesome, welshy.

2005-11-17 11:10 AM
in reply to: #287055

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Giver
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Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
I bow down...

TriComet - 2005-11-17 11:03 AM

THAT is why he is King of COJ.

run4yrlif - 2005-11-17 12:01 PM Wow. Bravo. That was awesome, welshy.

2005-11-17 11:23 AM
in reply to: #286706

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Expert
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Potomac, Maryland
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
Lauren - Everyone's experience is unique, as is yours.  Do what YOU think is best for YOU.  Important life decisions should not be precipitous ones.  None of us here are as informed about your relationship as the two of you.  Good luck in however you decide to proceed.   
2005-11-17 11:33 AM
in reply to: #287065

Champion
6539
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South Jersey
Subject: RE: Cheating bf & vacation
I know you guys are right. It's just hard to hear it, you know? There's a lot going on in my head right now. Unfortunately, there isn't something out there that can just make everything alright. So, I have to make these tough (hard, unwanted) decisions that I would never have been forced to make if it wasn't for him screwing up. So it sucks that it's not just cheating I have to deal with, but all this other stuff too. I didn't have control over what he did and allowing his actions to govern how I handle things in the weeks to come only means that he still has control. If I stay home and cancel the trip, it will be because of him. If I go on the trip and have a crappy time, it will be because of him. If I go on the trip, w/ or w/o him and have a good time, that would have been my doing and not his. In my opinion, I have three choices here, two of which will be bad (upsetting/disappointed/unwanted) and because of him, one of which will be good and because of me. Why not shoot for the good one and if it doesn't work I just get stuck with a crappy one, which is what I would have had anyway if I didn't try.

(Please don't yell at me if you don't agree with me.)
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