Need dating tips - recently single after 12 years (Page 4)

Context: The IS that we are talking about is someone else's behavior. I'm not responsible for someone else's behavior. I'm responsible for my behavior. If someone behaves badly towards me, that's about them, not me. Whether they feel justified is irrelevant.

If someone cheats on you, it's them. They are a cheat.

If someone habitually lies to you, it's them. They have a problem speaking truth.

If someone steals from you, it's them. They have it in them to steal.

If someone texts you, prompting you for attention, you then give them attention and then they don't ignore you, it's them.

Please don't assume that means I'm saying the other party is blameless in all ways. We are all responsible for our own behavior. It just means that if you take things at face value, especially if you are just getting to know someone, you usually have the answer right in front of you. For example: My boyfriend lies to me because that's who he is - a liar, a dishonest person, someone for whom lying is not a problem, someone who finds it difficult to speak truth (take your pick). Too often we blame ourselves for someone else's bad behavior.

I had a badly behaving ex-boyfriend many years ago. I drove myself crazy trying to understand what triggered his behavior, what I might be doing to set him off. Then one sunny day, after a horrible lunch date together, it hit me. He behaves badly towards me because he behaves badly. It's not about me; that's him. That's who he is. Made things so much clearer. I never felt so calm in breaking up with someone.

I don't disagree with the gist of what you wrote, but within the context of my response it doesn't apply.

I dated a few losers in my life. I finally came to terms that they were being the best human they could be. And it was pretty sh@tty. That's all they had to give this world... and me. It certainly did help me come to terms with how badly they treated and acted towards me. Some people just aren't capable of being good people.

I agree with this, and my belief is reinforced by the teachings of a number of Buddhist monks

It seems to me that it must be very sad and dark to be that person. It's not my cross to bear, unless I'm foolish enough to let it be put upon me. Then that would be all on me.

I remember having this calm conversation (well, it was a conversation on my side). My ex boyfriend was ranting and making excuses for himself. I simply said "Yes, I understand. This is the best you can do. I get that. I'm not condemning you for it, but I'm not sticking around for more of it."  His intention, of course, was to engage me in the fight, to escalate the drama, to provoke any kind of emotion out of me. No thanks, I don't do drama. As I like to say to my mistakes "I love you, I just need to love you from afar."  Our ten year break-up is going strong!

Sign up for a beer mile.

And let your friends set you up.  They aren't all going to be home runs, but you may have some fun in the meanwhile.

And listen to Tony's advice.  If you see how fantastic his girlfriend is, he is obviously doing SOMETHING right.

Note: I did something right as well, but I've been with my wife for 23 years.

Umm, aren't you a writer?

And listen to Tony's advice.  If you see how fantastic his girlfriend is, he is obviously doing SOMETHING right.

Note: I did something right as well, but I've been with my wife for 23 years.

Note: I did something right as well, but I've been with my wife for 23 years.

That unquestionably qualifies you as someone to be listened to. Congratulations!

About marriage, sure. But dating? Maybe he's been married for 23 years because he's really bad at dating