Nervous about asking for her mother and fathers blessing (Page 2)

Maybe I don't have any feelings BUT...  I wasn't at all nervous.  Because in my heart, I knew it was going to happen no matter what.  In the long run, I didn't give a rat's arse what they said.  So I didn't go in there asking for permission or blessing, but just a "head's up" that I was going to ask their daughter.

In fact, I wouldn't have even asked at all except that my wife is sort of old fashioned/tradionalist, and I knew she would ask ME if I asked and I needed to be able to say yes.

As a father of daughters, I would expect any potential suitors to have had discussions with my daughters over time such that an actual proposal is almost perfunctory. And if they were to be asking my permission, I would wonder what they thought of my daughters' independence.

If makes me think of a scene from Alias, when Sydney's boyfriend asked her father about marrying her, and he blasts the guy, basically saying he had no desire to play a role in their little psychodrama story about getting married. 

In addition, if you need my permission to do something, you are basically telling me you are not an adult engaging in a relationship with another adult. You can ask my opinion, you can ask my advice, you can even ask me to pay. But "permission"? Sorry, then the answer is no. Even if I like you. Mainly because that implies that I have the authority to marry off my adult daughter. 

As someone who's already been through a marriage and a divorce and in my mid-late 30s - I honestly don't think it's necessary to have a conversation with my parents as to whether or not they approve. 

Should I ever get married again, as long as I approve of the union I think that's what counts the most. 

Not at all the same thing. Asking parental permission (and let's be honest about it - no one is talking about asking the mother's permission. It is always about asking the father) is saying that the woman is not an independent actor. At best, she is incapable of making her own decisions, and at worst, she is property. Seriously, if the dad says "you're a nice guy but no, you can't marry my daughter" - what then? Or if the dad says "you're the best one yet - yes" and the daughter says "no, I don't see that for us"?

An engagement ring is between the couple. It can be a signal to the rest of society that someone is now attached and off the market. It can serve to signal that the man is capable of earning income to be contributing to the support of the couple. It is an outward sign of the agreement between the man and woman. OTOH, I don't see it as mandatory, especially in light of the whole "blood diamonds" controversy. And I recall when I was in college, one of my (now) wife's roommates saying she would only marry a man who could afford at least a one carat diamond ring - to me, that served as a signal about what she valued in relationships and what she saw as her role in things. But ultimately, that was between her and whoever chose to date/marry her.

I haven't worn my ring for a few years - at first I stopped when I was doing a lot of climbing and didn't want to lose it or have it rip off my finger. Then I just fell into the habit of keeping it on my keychain overall.

Mrs gearboy had stopped wearing hers since her job requires her to wear latex gloves a lot, and the ring (not only the diamond ring, but the ring itself, which had some angles) would constantly tear them. She got paranoid about leaving the rings someplace and getting them lost. But then she starting having to deal with guys trying to hit on her, and decided it was easier to to get a cheap ring to signal "unavailable" more readily. So sometimes the "awkward situation" is really just an uncomfortable one - not one in which she is seriously at risk for acting on impulse. (Why is it that men are seen as more desirable WITH a ring, and women WITHOUT?)

Then what about the ring in your case? 

FYI--although I know you already know this--if she gives a rat's arse about the size of it, she isn't worth you.       (I'll admit that MrTeacher tells the story, with great feigned offense, mind you, that it took me about 10 minutes after the proposal and a direct question--"So, do you like the ring?"--for me to take an actual look at it.  I think deep down inside he was relieved that the ring wasn't my priority.  Although it was GORGEOUS.  )

MrTeacher also knew darn right well that no one's PERMISSION was being asked.  I'd been on my own a good long time and have no connection between independence and penis-ownership.  But family is very important to me and I appreciate the fact that he did have a heart-to-heart with my father (afterward) explaining that, since he was already a father himself, he recognized what this would mean to my dad.  It also showed respect by giving my dad a chance to air his perspective, which was basically reprising his career in Special Forces, 82nd Airborne, SWAT, bomb squad, etc., and assuring MrTeacher that, should he hurt me, it was my father's sacred right to cause him immense and unending agony in ways unheard of in civilized society.  Then they had a beer.

First, congratulations, and I hope you and your bride to be have many happy years together. Your nervousness will just be something to laugh about together later.

As for the other discussion this has sprouted, I have two daughters and I want each of them to know about the proposal before I do.  Its their lives, and my thoughts on the matter aren't the deciding factor.  That's not to say that I don't want to be involved, have that person feel like part of the family, or hope that I approve of him, I do want all of that.  But, I think the focus should be on each of them, not on me at that point.  And for at least one of them, I suspect it might be the end of the guy if he were to ask my permission.  She doesn't let anyone speak for her. 

That's great!  You're not the only one to have done the deed over the phone.  I too had no way of asking in person as I was working crazy hours 3+ hours away with no vehicle at the time. (wow, great son-in-law material, eh?)    

To the folks who seem to be offended by the process, I think it's a bit of an overreaction.  The process is ceremonial.  There is no legal issue involved, it's a sign of respect in my opinion.  The sign of a good son-in-law is that they're going to be a little nervous asking for the daughter's hand in marriage.  I'm sure in the majority of cases you'll hear fathers say, "well, it's up to her!" and then follow up with an, "of course it's okay with me, etc."  I'm old-fashioned and only asked her dad.  But, different strokes for different folks.  

You guys that asked are my heroes! I only wish my husband HAD asked my father. I'm old fashioned about this and so is my family. And phoey! It's not old-fashioned - its respect, love and honor as far as I'm concerned. Plus actually doing it shows tons of courage and devotion in spite of the present fear of 'dad'. 

I love my husband but I am going to tell my son about how I feel about this as well as the 'down on one knee' part of the proposal which is just another way of 'submission' (like a dog or cat will let you rub or scratch their tummies) to the commitment of marriage. You guys may be asking what do chicks have to go thru to marry? they get off easy! Well, then you change your name! LOL Talk about an identity crisis! Luckily my married name was not too crazy and I kidded my husband about taking my name but he was mortified (and my maiden name was just fine!) I know many do the 'hyphenated' names but I chose not to for simplification and although I don't ever intend on getting divorced --- what if we did hyphenate the name and my kid married another kid with a hyphenated name?? Their kids would have 4 last names! LOL

Anyhow...good luck and may the marriage be full of love and laughter!

Hear, hear!  1)  It's not 'permission'; it's acknowledging the importance of family.  2)  I've been astonished at how clueless guys I've known have been about how much of a big deal it is to change our names.  Good, otherwise really tuned-in, modern-thinking guys... and just unable to see that my name was as much a part of my identity and history as their names were to them.  I did change mine after marriage, but it was not something I was overjoyed about, nor was it something I felt should be assumed.  It was a gift of great cost, and darn well needed to be understood as such.

Whoa.  Off soapbox now.