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Capital of Texas Triathlon/ S.Sprint/Sprint/Olym - TriathlonOlympic


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Austin, Texas
United States
53F / 12C
Precipitation
Total Time = 2h 10m
Overall Rank = 1/1
Age Group = Amphibians30-34
Age Group Rank = 1/1
Pre-race routine:

Built an ark, gathered two of every species, and floated down to Town Lake.
Swim
  • 15m
  • 1640 yards
  • 55s / 100 yards
Comments:

As you might have heard, there was a touch of rain in Austin this weekend. Most were dissuaded by the precipitation, including the race director who declared the triathlon was canceled. I decided to teach everyone a lesson, so I gathered my things and setup my transition area. Of course the RD didn't want to let me race and took my wetsuit to keep me from swimming. That didn't slow me down though; I simply dove and wrestled a pair of largemouth bass into submission, strapped them to my feet like skis, and grabbed hold of a passing crocodile. (If you haven't checked, there's actually nothing in triathlon regulations against any of this.) That croc was a mean SOB, but eventually he submitted to my will and started flying across the course. So I was race-legal and making great time!
What would you do differently?:

Find equally-sized bass. I can't tell you how hard it is to balance on a pair of fish that aren't the same size.
Transition 1
  • 05m
Comments:

Bass are easier to strap on than take off. Am I right, fellas? Fellas? Anyone?
What would you do differently?:

Find bass with velcro straps attached to their backs. Spend less time clubbing the fish once they're off my feet. Also, get Chubbs' hand back from that croc.
Bike
  • 55m
  • 24.85 miles
  • 27.11 mile/hr
Comments:

As you can imagine, the fact that I was racing against this maelstrom was quite a sight and a large crowd was gathering to marvel at my awesome display of athletic aptitude. Unfortunately my fish clubbing also caught the attention of local PETA members who were out on the trail hugging fire ants, and they called the cops to pick me up. But all the cops were already busy blocking traffic for the bike course, so the only cop who showed up to arrest me was a mounted police. Since I was already 1/3 through the race and wasn't about to give up now, I lured the policeman off his mount by faking a seizure. When he was leaned over checking on me, I kicked him in the holiest of places and stole his horse. (I realize this is a capital offense in Texas, but I trained for FOUR MONTHS DAMNIT.) Now, normally a horse can only go about 15mph for any extended period of time, but you know police love to soup up all their vehicles. Apparently this horse was setup with a turbocharger and nitrous tanks(don't ask where they stored the tanks...or how I activated them) so I started whipping this magnificent beast like he was Michael Moore at an NRA rally. That glorious bastard ran like Michael Moore at an NRA rally. And if you noticed that I used the same analogy twice in a row, that means you're smarter than Michael Moore at an NRA rally. Anyway, that horse was faster than hell and I made record time through the course.
What would you do differently?:

Feed the horse some cocaine. Seriously, I think it was a cyborg. You couldn't kill that thing if you tried(and I did).
Transition 2
  • 20m
Comments:

Getting back to the transition area actually took awhile. You see when a cyborg horse gets going as fast as he did, he's got to do a couple mile cool-down before he can stop completely. If I had made it that far in the Cyborg Horse Manual PDF by the end of the ride(did I mention he has a web browser implanted on his neck? Cops think of everything) I would have known that. So my T2 time sucked. It happens I guess, but it really killed my time. I'm going to have to practice my cyborg horse transitions more often. Anyhow, my cult following was reaching critical mass at the transition area. Lines of adoring fans were braving the torrential downpour, screaming my name, and throwing their underwear at me. And that was just the guys. As I was fist-deep in the horse replacing the spent nitrous tanks(it was the least I could do), I noticed Desiree Ficker was waving at me trying to get my attention. I took my hand out of the horse's ass and got the crowd of overworked men to crowdsurf Ms. Ficker into the transition area. She told me she was running through the area doing some interval training with her rickshaw - it's the latest craze amongst pro triathletes - and saw what I was trying to accomplish. Apparently my desire to race(and sparkling personality) had impressed her, and she wanted to help out. She offered me a spot in her rickshaw, which I gladly accepted after I hosed my arms down.
What would you do differently?:

Read the manual faster, initiate cyborg horse cool-down prior to the end of the 4th lap.
Run
  • 35m
  • 6.21 miles
  • 05m 38s  min/mile
Comments:

This was by far the best portion of the race. I got to lay back, eat grapes, and stare at Ms. Ficker's fine form while she hauled ass(hers and mine) across downtown Austin. I don't know what she's putting in her Fruit Loops, but she ran like a woman possessed. The miles were ticking by faster and faster; if I didn't know better I'd say she's part cyborg horse(note to USAT: cyborg horse supplements are legal and safe. Don't ban her just because she wants to win). She knocked down the 10k in 35 minutes flat! I mean, I could have done that too, but it would have been rude to show her up. It would have been nice if she had stopped at the end of the 10k though, I actually had to tuck & roll out the side of the rickshaw to make it to the finish line without her passing it up. I'm telling you, the woman gets in a zone and just *goes*.
What would you do differently?:

Eat more grapes, make Desiree stop at a convenience store for drinks.
Post race
Warm down:

After finishing the race I let the throng of adoring men give me a massage, and I mean that in the straightest way possible. OK, there's not actually a straight way to say that. Let's start over.

After finishing the race we grabbed a nearby football and played a game of smear the qu...dammit, one more try.

After finishing the race, the throng of adoring men took me to a local pub and we all shared a drink while watching Spike TV. (There, that's better) I bought the now nad-less cop a couple drinks and handed him a couple ice packs(he'll need them), then gathered my flock back to the ark and headed home.

What limited your ability to perform faster:

A badly-organized cyborg horse manual.

Event comments:

Alright, so it was a downpour and I was the only one competing. Is it too much to ask that they have a limo and monogrammed towels at the finish line? Yea, it probably is. But it would have been nice.




Last updated: 2007-01-21 12:00 AM
Swimming
00:15:00 | 1640 yards | 55s / 100yards
Age Group: 1/1
Overall: 1/1
Performance: Good
Suit: None
Course: Ever see 'The Perfect Storm'? It was like that, except I'm a hotter Marky Mark and my Funky Bunch is still touring. Side note: The role of George Clooney's beard was played by Aaron.
Start type: Deep Water Plus: Waves
Water temp: 53F / 12C Current: High
200M Perf. Good Remainder: Good
Breathing: Good Drafting: Good
Waves: Good Navigation: Good
Rounding: Good
T1
Time: 05:00
Performance: Good
Cap removal: Good Helmet on/
Suit off:
No
Wetsuit stuck? No Run with bike: No
Jump on bike: No
Getting up to speed: Good
Biking
00:55:00 | 24.85 miles | 27.11 mile/hr
Age Group: 1/1
Overall: 1/1
Performance: Good
Wind: Strong with gusts
Course: Imagine the desert in dune, except made of concrete and with no sand. Or giant worms. And in present day. Actually, forget the whole Dune analogy. What was I saying?
Road: Smooth Wet Cadence:
Turns: Good Cornering: Good
Gear changes: Good Hills: Good
Race pace: Comfortable Drinks: Just right
T2
Time: 20:00
Overall: Good
Riding w/ feet on shoes Good
Jumping off bike Good
Running with bike Good
Racking bike Good
Shoe and helmet removal Good
Running
00:35:00 | 06.21 miles | 05m 38s  min/mile
Age Group: 1/1
Overall: 1/1
Performance: Good
Course: Kinda bumpy, but that could just be the rickshaw suspension.
Keeping cool Good Drinking Just right
Post race
Weight change: %
Overall: Good
Mental exertion [1-5] 5
Physical exertion [1-5] 5
Good race? Yes
Evaluation
Course challenge Too easy
Organized? Yes
Events on-time? No
Lots of volunteers? No
Plenty of drinks? Yes
Post race activities: Bad
Race evaluation [1-5]

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2007-05-30 8:54 PM

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Pro
4311
20002000100100100
Texas
Subject: Capital of Texas Triathlon/ S.Sprint/Sprint/Olym


2007-05-30 9:19 PM
in reply to: #823326

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Elite
3481
20001000100100100100252525
Lakewood, CO
Subject: RE: Capital of Texas Triathlon/ S.Sprint/Sprint/Olym
Smokin' performance (or was anything smoking in that rain)
2007-05-30 9:19 PM
in reply to: #823326

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Expert
902
500100100100100
Wylie, TX
Subject: RE: Capital of Texas Triathlon/ S.Sprint/Sprint/Olym

In the 2007 Best of, this needs to be Race Report of the Year.

2007-05-30 9:35 PM
in reply to: #823326

Master
1292
1000100100252525
Houston
Subject: RE: Capital of Texas Triathlon/ S.Sprint/Sprint/Olym
Thanks for the very creative race report.  It's nice that you found a small ray of sunshine in the midst of the storm.  BRAVO!!
2007-05-30 9:49 PM
in reply to: #823326

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Member
75
252525
Gold member
Subject: RE: Capital of Texas Triathlon/ S.Sprint/Sprint/Olym
Awesome! but where are the pics. I need a little transition help and an illustration would do wonders. j/k I don't really want to see the "SUIT: none" in action.
2007-05-30 10:06 PM
in reply to: #823326

Subject: ...
This user's post has been ignored.


2007-05-30 10:16 PM
in reply to: #823326

Expert
927
50010010010010025
Longview, TX
Subject: RE: Capital of Texas Triathlon/ S.Sprint/Sprint/Olym
One hell of a race report!  Why did I just go home when I could've witnessed this specatacle???
2007-05-31 11:27 AM
in reply to: #823326

Champion
10471
500050001001001001002525
Dallas, TX
Subject: RE: Capital of Texas Triathlon/ S.Sprint/Sprint/Olym
*Beams with pride*

That's right. My man is a WINNER! Take that!

See, you guys should have stuck around.
2007-05-31 12:36 PM
in reply to: #824158

Expert
944
50010010010010025
Waller County, TX
Subject: RE: Capital of Texas Triathlon/ S.Sprint/Sprint/Olym
KSH - 2007-05-31 11:27 AM

*Beams with pride*

That's right. My man is a WINNER! Take that!

See, you guys should have stuck around.


Compared to his, my RR was lame squared.

Props for imagination and the time discipline needed to type it up.

Now, if only he had that kind of disclipline when it came to training...
2007-05-31 12:40 PM
in reply to: #824259

Champion
10471
500050001001001001002525
Dallas, TX
Subject: RE: Capital of Texas Triathlon/ S.Sprint/Sprint/Olym
jkron - 2007-05-31 12:36 PM

KSH - 2007-05-31 11:27 AM

*Beams with pride*

That's right. My man is a WINNER! Take that!

See, you guys should have stuck around.


Compared to his, my RR was lame squared.

Props for imagination and the time discipline needed to type it up.

Now, if only he had that kind of disclipline when it came to training...


Yea, I know. I called last night... and he hadn't eaten dinner or showered because he was writing up this RR. That was at 8:30 PM and he had to leave the house at 9:30 PM to go back to work.

2007-05-31 12:49 PM
in reply to: #823326

Champion
5529
500050025
Nashville, TN
Subject: RE: Capital of Texas Triathlon/ S.Sprint/Sprint/Olym

Congrats on winning the race!!!

Thanks for the entertainment



2007-05-31 1:21 PM
in reply to: #823326

Expert
739
50010010025
Flower Mound, TX
Subject: RE: Capital of Texas Triathlon/ S.Sprint/Sprint/Olym

Thanks for fun, Johnny.   It sounds like you're in good spirits despite the race being canceled.

David 

 

2007-05-31 1:22 PM
in reply to: #824259

Pro
4311
20002000100100100
Texas
Subject: RE: Capital of Texas Triathlon/ S.Sprint/Sprint/Olym
jkron - 2007-05-31 12:36 PM

KSH - 2007-05-31 11:27 AM

*Beams with pride*

That's right. My man is a WINNER! Take that!

See, you guys should have stuck around.


Compared to his, my RR was lame squared.

Props for imagination and the time discipline needed to type it up.

Now, if only he had that kind of disclipline when it came to training...


Damnit, foiled again!
2007-05-31 8:22 PM
in reply to: #823326

Science Nerd
28760
50005000500050005000200010005001001002525
Redwood City, California
Subject: RE: Capital of Texas Triathlon/ S.Sprint/Sprint/Olym
This is the best race report I've read in awhile.  I'm glad the race went well for you. 
2009-05-27 12:07 AM
in reply to: #823326

Plano, Tx
Subject: RE: Capital of Texas Triathlon/ S.Sprint/Sprint/Olym

wow.

 

That's great

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