Taking care of your parents

heh... fun to be a grown up, eh?

I am very fortunate my parents are quite self-sufficient and Dad is very knowledgeable about financial stuffs (more so than I).  He was a businessman, after all.  Anyway, perhaps you can consult with the expert - your brother-in-law?  There are probably some sort of financial plans for older folks?  

It's a tough one for sure.  My parents are in another country but thankfully my siblings are all there too.  My parents are very independent but close to 80.  Financially I think they are fine (the cruise trips are a dead give away!)

BUT they have made plans - when one of them passes the other will sell the huge house they rattle around in and rent a retirement warden controlled place.  This is all provided they stay as healthy as they are now.

I wish you all the best and admire you for having the foresight to plan for the future.

That is tough.  I agree that starting the conversation with your sister is a good move.  Do you know if it would be possible for them to at least get long-term care insurance?  They are still young enough for it to be reasonably priced unless they have any major medical conditions.  My DH and I may be in the same situation in the next 5 - 10 years.  My parents are 70 and 68, have health issues and have not planned well for their future.  They looked into LTC insurance, but with both of their health issues, it was too expensive.  Sometimes being a grown up sucks!

My parents had to care for both of my Grandmothers for the same reason.  Until recently, I thought this was just the way things were supposed to be.  I have decided not to leave my kids in the same situation...DH and I are working on our financial plan now, so that hopefully we have enough to pay for our care should we need it.  I don't want this type of burden on my kids if I can avoid it.

This isn't a conversation that needs to happen JUST between you and your sister.  It needs to involve your whole family including your parents.  Just because you and your older sister have money doesn't mean that you should be expected to provide.  Do you or your sister have kids? Those kids should be the priority.  Also your parents can be involved in the conversation as to what their expectations are as they age.  Maybe they find a smaller house now that requires less mortgage, upkeep, etc.

That's great stuff. I'd chat with the whole family and play the "what if" game. 

While stressful for you, this is not an uncommon scenario.

I would suggest that you meet with a professional financial planner who can help you evaluate the situation and help you make rational rather than emotional decisions.  There may be options that you haven't considered.  Asking for referals is the best way to find someone.  With all due respect to the Suze Orman's and Jim Cramer's out there, they're giving "one-size fits-all"  advice.

I've pretty much handled all of my parent's affairs since my father was first diagnosed with cancer and subseqeuntly died nine years ago.  As the oldest child,  they asked  me to be the trustee of their estate, gave me durable power of attorney, and made me medical surrogate.  It also helped that I was local, while my brothers live in different parts of the country.  My only condition in accepting was that I would have permission to discuss all matters with my brothers, since we all are beneficiaries of the estate.   My mother is now in her mid-80's and lives in a retirement community.  Fortunately she has the financial resources to live comfortably for the rest of her life.

On the other hand, my widowed mother-in-law is in the early stages of dementia and my wife and her siblings will be forced to make some difficult decisions in the next few years.  Her biggest asset is her house and although she lives there comfortably now with her late husband's pension, paying for a care facility, if it comes to that, is going to be a challenge financially.  Compounding the situation is that there is a great descrepancy in the financial situation of my wife's siblings, so not all would be able to contribute financially to her care if necessary.

I wish you well.  Unfortunately as life expectancies get longer, more of us are being forced into the "sandwich generation".  

Mark

A financial plan is a good thing to have.  You should plan for the time when your parents are not able to take care of themselves.  It is very likely that at some point (80-85 seems to be the magic age) when they will need assistance for meal preparation, driving, finances, medications, dressing and bathing, etc. It will be expensive.   At the age they are today, they should still be saving at a pretty high percentage to be financially ready for that time.  My mother managed to increase her savings from about $100K to $300 K in the 18 years after my father died on a small retirement income and social security.  In the end, she had adequate funds to take care of her own expenses.  Those expenses did come. When she was 88, she moved into an assisted living facility.  For the last year and a half, in addition to the facility staff,  she had sitters who stayed with her full time.  During that time, her expenses exceeded her income by about $70K per year. If she had lived 5 or 6 more years, she would have run out of money.  But as it was she came out with money in the bank. It was due to financial planning that she did at age 70 that made it possible.

The point that I wanted to add to the discussion is, not only do they need to pay for living expenses now, which I presume they can, but that there is usually a balloon payment at the end.  You will want to be able to pay somehow for good, safe care.  Not knowing your parents financial situation. I can't advise but the budget should include savings.  

I am in your parents age range.  I am retired.  I am thinking about these things for myself. It is hard.

I would talk to your sister with the goal of talking to your parents.  They need to work with a financial advisor who can 1) straighten them out now, 2) help manage things later when the expenses change.    They need a tough love intervention asap if they are living beyond their means and have no savings.  Even if the savings doesn't grow, they must revise their spending.   Good for you for even thinking about this now!

P.S. In my opinion, adult kids needs to move out and your parents are old enough to live in a 55+ building.  They are less expensive and if they buy now, it's one less thing to worry about.

an absolute must-have.  i have family going through this right now and there are very few ways that will drive a family crazy (and apart) faster than dealing with the health and money of elderly parents

I'd do what it took to make sure they're taken care of but that might not mean staying in that house.  And I agree about the kids needing to move out on their own.

My parents raised me until I was out the door at 17.  But that's something you can't really put a price on.  I'll help them out when the time comes in whatever way I can.

I will help my parents in any way I can.

I think it's a personal decision.  In my opinion, if that parent nurtured you, and was a main contributor to the person you are today, you probably owe them.  There were likely great sacrifices in the past those two made for you and your siblings.  

Don't get me started on moochers.  Your two younger siblings' actions suck...that said, your parents are probably getting something out of the relationship.  People don't often behave irrationally.  Sure, they probably wished those two were financially independent and responsible like you and your sister, but since they're not, perhaps they feel more useful knowing they are needed.  (there's also the possibility those two provide your parents with companionship?)

Good luck getting together with your sis and reading up on the topic.  

Absolutely not, IMHO.  Everything I've given my kids (and will continue to give my kids) is done freely, with love, honor and respect.  They owe me nothing.   I will die alone, cold, and in the street before I allow my children to spend one red cent on my well-being in old age.  

No child should be expected to care for their parents.  Parents care for their children... anything else is an abomination.  

That's cool.  We can respectfully disagree.  I will make darn sure the parents who sacrificed for me are well taken care of when they become too frail to care for themselves.  Now, my mom could always refuse my help on principle, and I would respect that, but that also goes for me.  If I'm in a situation where I don't want help, I'd expect my kids to respect my word.   btw, the kids shouldn't feel obligated.  It's not about the "expectation" or guilt...it's about genuine care/love in my book.  

children caring for parents is an abomination?  that sounds a little extreme.

Lots of good advice here already but I think if I were you I would get together with your sister first and discuss things with her before talking to the rest of the family.  I'd want to sort out what I was willing to do or not do and what I'd hope/expect from the younger siblings. 

Your parents may have made mistakes but they didn't do everything wrong and now might be a good time to talk to them and see how they see their future.   

Ugh...this is tough stuff. I agree with much of what's been said here. An initial conversation with your sister is a good idea...and perhaps a financial planner and estate planning attorney. You, your siblings, and your parents need a plan...and it's good to start now! 

Erin

Sigh.  you're probably right.  This issue gets me a little worked up.  I'm morally opposed to Social Security for the same reason.  It's an institutionalized version of the same thing.  Parents are supposed to care for their children, not the other way around.  Part of me caring for them now is to make sure that they never have to worry about taking care of me. 

X2. I'd add in that the more peole involved in the family discussion, the better. In the very least get a conversation started. One of the toughest parts with my folks has been their "heads in the sand" outlook. They are slowly coming around to the idea that they need to get with my older sis and I about their future.  I have found that the fear they have about the future is the biggest hurdle we need to overcome. So, we talk about it nearly every time I see them, which is easy, because they live in the next town over. It is helping us get started, but golly, what a process this has been and will continue to be..

Good Luck to you.

I’m also fan of Suzy Orman.

Haha. Before Social Security,  the retirement plan was to have a bunch of kids to take care of you in your old age .  

My mother wanted to live independently until her last breath without asking for anything from anyone.  She wanted to be as little burden as possible on my sister and me.  She lived her life taking care of herself physically and financially.  Honestly, you could not do it any better than she did.  But, you don't get to choose how you grow old.  Toward the end, the need for help was pretty great. I, and my wife, were perfectly willing and able to help as needed.  I was happy to do be able to do it.  I would not have trusted anyone else to take care of her.  

I don't know if I wanted to do it or felt obligated or exactly how I would characterize the motivation.  It is the natural order of things for role of caregiver and receiver to swap between parent and child at some point because we get old and diminish in our ability to take care of ourselves.  The hardest part was that my mother, bless her heart, did recognize her own limits and did not want to be helped.  It was tricky to give her the help she needed.   

The burden did not fall equally on my sister and me.  She did not live near enough, she is not physically or mentally able to do the work that was needed, and she did not have the resources of friends and contacts to get the care my mother needed.  It has always been this way.  Before she died, my mother told me be sure my sister and her daughter get first choice on the things in her house.  They may need them.  I was fine with that because I am the lucky one that I was self-sufficient.

We are just now beginning to do things for my wife's mother.  She is about 80.  We see better now what needs to be done.  I hope that we move into a caregiving role smoothly and gracefully.  We stay in her house a couple of nights a week.  I don't mind at all.