Depression and Moods- Check in! (Page 19)

phoenixazul - 2010-02-13 10:07 AM

So I don't know if this is just a "winter blues" thing or...but man, I've had a rough time this week. We were snowed in this week, not having to go to work for a few days. I spent the majority of the time applying for jobs and looking for PhD funding opportunities in the UK. I spent an entire day writing a proposal (which I thought was good) doing a bibliography, contacting my references, writing a great cover letter, and then sending a preliminary inquiry and started working on the application.

The next morning I was able to go to my one job. First thing I saw when I turned on the computer was a one line e-mail response. "We are unwilling to support your research. Best, University". No suggestions for improving my proposal, no ideas for where else to turn, no further dialog or invitation to dialog. Just no. Rejected before I even submitted my application. Yes, it is my second choice school, but there were way more funding opportunities...so then I'm sitting in my freezing freezing freezing cold, dark, windowlless work space (so cold that I wear my coat and a blanket and fingerless gloves) making $8.50 an hour doing a project that no one cares about, that has no bearing on anything in life, and then going to my retail lackey job where I get treated like crap by customers (thank god for my wonderful co-workers)....and I just keep thinking to myself..."wow, if I didn't show up today, if I didn't work today, no one would notice. No one would care. This project is the lowest of the low in terms of priority. Wow...and this is what I have to look forward to?"

And it didn't help that I pretty much got ignored by a group of coworkers when I said good morning to them...because they're all a group of friends. I sit in the library at work and eat my lunch, alone, most days because everyone else goes out to lunch because they can afford it or they have their own office to eat in. I don't even have a desk of my own.


I guess I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Just grinding hourly work for which I get no respect and no recognition. I have no big life milestones to look forward to because, let's face it, I don't make enough money to reach any of them.

Early this week there was this big discussion on if you should date someone who "works at the mall" after college. I can't believe some of the things I heard. "Has no ambition other than to ask if you want ranch or balsamic on that", or "works for less than $10 an hour, who can live like that?" or "made poor choices in life that landed them in the service position for which they are only minimally qualified." And I want to scream or put up a billboard that these people doing these jobs DO have ambition, DO have education, DO want more...what would they have me do? Welfare? What, so then they can criticize me for being a drain on society? So I do a job that pays peanuts so that I can pay my bills and have some food on the table. I don't love it. I don't enjoy it, but I do it so that I can keep my head barely above water.

I would kill to have a salary. I would kill to have a vacation (don't get any vacation...just get days of no pay, because, no work, no pay, so I have to keep working and can never have time for myself). I would kill to be debating between a 50 and a 52 inch TV, buying a Cervelo or an Orbea, between making $150k and $170k.

I'm just tired, and sad, and feeling really defeated and judged and hurt. And all my husband says (and I know he means well) "it will all get better". WHEN? BLOODY WHEN??????? And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

phoenixazul - 2010-02-13 10:07 AM So I don't know if this is just a "winter blues" thing or...but man, I've had a rough time this week. We were snowed in this week, not having to go to work for a few days. I spent the majority of the time applying for jobs and looking for PhD funding opportunities in the UK. I spent an entire day writing a proposal (which I thought was good) doing a bibliography, contacting my references, writing a great cover letter, and then sending a preliminary inquiry and started working on the application. The next morning I was able to go to my one job. First thing I saw when I turned on the computer was a one line e-mail response. "We are unwilling to support your research. Best, University". No suggestions for improving my proposal, no ideas for where else to turn, no further dialog or invitation to dialog. Just no. Rejected before I even submitted my application. Yes, it is my second choice school, but there were way more funding opportunities...so then I'm sitting in my freezing freezing freezing cold, dark, windowlless work space (so cold that I wear my coat and a blanket and fingerless gloves) making $8.50 an hour doing a project that no one cares about, that has no bearing on anything in life, and then going to my retail lackey job where I get treated like crap by customers (thank god for my wonderful co-workers)....and I just keep thinking to myself..."wow, if I didn't show up today, if I didn't work today, no one would notice. No one would care. This project is the lowest of the low in terms of priority. Wow...and this is what I have to look forward to?" And it didn't help that I pretty much got ignored by a group of coworkers when I said good morning to them...because they're all a group of friends. I sit in the library at work and eat my lunch, alone, most days because everyone else goes out to lunch because they can afford it or they have their own office to eat in. I don't even have a desk of my own. I guess I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Just grinding hourly work for which I get no respect and no recognition. I have no big life milestones to look forward to because, let's face it, I don't make enough money to reach any of them. Early this week there was this big discussion on if you should date someone who "works at the mall" after college. I can't believe some of the things I heard. "Has no ambition other than to ask if you want ranch or balsamic on that", or "works for less than $10 an hour, who can live like that?" or "made poor choices in life that landed them in the service position for which they are only minimally qualified." And I want to scream or put up a billboard that these people doing these jobs DO have ambition, DO have education, DO want more...what would they have me do? Welfare? What, so then they can criticize me for being a drain on society? So I do a job that pays peanuts so that I can pay my bills and have some food on the table. I don't love it. I don't enjoy it, but I do it so that I can keep my head barely above water. I would kill to have a salary. I would kill to have a vacation (don't get any vacation...just get days of no pay, because, no work, no pay, so I have to keep working and can never have time for myself). I would kill to be debating between a 50 and a 52 inch TV, buying a Cervelo or an Orbea, between making $150k and $170k. I'm just tired, and sad, and feeling really defeated and judged and hurt. And all my husband says (and I know he means well) "it will all get better". WHEN? BLOODY WHEN??????? And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

phoenixazul - 2010-02-13 9:07 AM So I don't know if this is just a "winter blues" thing or...but man, I've had a rough time this week. We were snowed in this week, not having to go to work for a few days. I spent the majority of the time applying for jobs and looking for PhD funding opportunities in the UK. I spent an entire day writing a proposal (which I thought was good) doing a bibliography, contacting my references, writing a great cover letter, and then sending a preliminary inquiry and started working on the application. The next morning I was able to go to my one job. First thing I saw when I turned on the computer was a one line e-mail response. "We are unwilling to support your research. Best, University". No suggestions for improving my proposal, no ideas for where else to turn, no further dialog or invitation to dialog. Just no. Rejected before I even submitted my application. Yes, it is my second choice school, but there were way more funding opportunities...so then I'm sitting in my freezing freezing freezing cold, dark, windowlless work space (so cold that I wear my coat and a blanket and fingerless gloves) making $8.50 an hour doing a project that no one cares about, that has no bearing on anything in life, and then going to my retail lackey job where I get treated like crap by customers (thank god for my wonderful co-workers)....and I just keep thinking to myself..."wow, if I didn't show up today, if I didn't work today, no one would notice. No one would care. This project is the lowest of the low in terms of priority. Wow...and this is what I have to look forward to?" And it didn't help that I pretty much got ignored by a group of coworkers when I said good morning to them...because they're all a group of friends. I sit in the library at work and eat my lunch, alone, most days because everyone else goes out to lunch because they can afford it or they have their own office to eat in. I don't even have a desk of my own. I guess I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Just grinding hourly work for which I get no respect and no recognition. I have no big life milestones to look forward to because, let's face it, I don't make enough money to reach any of them. Early this week there was this big discussion on if you should date someone who "works at the mall" after college. I can't believe some of the things I heard. "Has no ambition other than to ask if you want ranch or balsamic on that", or "works for less than $10 an hour, who can live like that?" or "made poor choices in life that landed them in the service position for which they are only minimally qualified." And I want to scream or put up a billboard that these people doing these jobs DO have ambition, DO have education, DO want more...what would they have me do? Welfare? What, so then they can criticize me for being a drain on society? So I do a job that pays peanuts so that I can pay my bills and have some food on the table. I don't love it. I don't enjoy it, but I do it so that I can keep my head barely above water. I would kill to have a salary. I would kill to have a vacation (don't get any vacation...just get days of no pay, because, no work, no pay, so I have to keep working and can never have time for myself). I would kill to be debating between a 50 and a 52 inch TV, buying a Cervelo or an Orbea, between making $150k and $170k. I'm just tired, and sad, and feeling really defeated and judged and hurt. And all my husband says (and I know he means well) "it will all get better". WHEN? BLOODY WHEN??????? And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

lkc01234 - 2010-02-19 6:22 PM I just want to thank everyone for their discretion.  I realize this is a public website and anyone can see the posts, but it's nice to have someplace to come and vent and know that others feel the same and are going through something similar.

So thanks!!

Silver_wlf - 2010-02-20 4:27 PM Ugh.  I've had an awful couple of months - sick most of January and put on a few - and then just haven't been motivated to do anything ... train/housework/work/etc.  I was worried last week that maybe it was time for a change of meds - but the sunshine the past couple days has completely changed my outlook - and I signed up for my A race today and booked the campground - so I've got a goal to work towards.  Steelhead 2010 ... here I come!

February sucks though. *frown*

ChicagoMan65 - 2010-02-22 10:14 AM

February totally sucks.  At least its the shortest though.  March is always full of more sun and hope!  Nice job on signing up for Steelhead---having that out there will definitely help jumpstart the motivation!!!  I was on the fence with that and decided to do Racine instead: little closer.

Have a good one!

mttriagain - 2010-02-22 3:33 PM Hi all,  I haven't posted much lately.  I am doing the acupunture treatments and they seem to be working   my fibromyalgia pain has been reduced and I feel more in balance.  My mood swings haven't been too dynamic.  I can run a bit faster and longer, swim better, and have added cylcing classes.  I am losing weight with WW, and the bump up in training has definately helped.

For what it is worth the cloudiness of winter really gets to me too.  I got one of those daylight lites and do light therapy when I get really down from it.  Basking in the sun when it does come out helps a lot too.  The sun is finally shining here, I hope it is in your neck of the woods.

lkc01234 - 2010-02-17 7:11 PM So I almost didn't post today...cuz I feel like my problems are inconsequential and I should be able to "HTFU".  

...

But I know with the economy right now I SHOULD be happy with A job...and I shouldn't leave my current one before I have a new one.  But I feel the sadness overwhelming me.  I wanna eat junkfood and lots of it...I don't want to leave bed.  I literally had to tell myself I could go back to bed in 8 hours to leave for work... I can't convince myself to workout/train - even though I know I should.  I feel like all of my energy and motivation is required for me just to get to work... :-(  To keep my job- to pay for my apartment and my doctor's and therapy appointments AND the medication AND plane tickets...

And then I think about all this and I think I'm being absolutely ridiculous!!!  And I'm sure the winter/snowy weather isn't helping :-(

Atlantia - 2010-02-23 4:01 PM I got to the pool today. This was huge for me, because I've gained so much weight since I last swam. I was embarassed that I'd let myself go, and to add insult to injury I had to parade around a pool. I tried to get back into the pool about two years ago, and I got all the way to the locker room before turning back and driving home again. Failure that day. But today I got into my suit, got into the pool, and even shared a lane with a friendly aqua jogger. Success on this day. Its awfully nice.

Atlantia - 2010-02-23 3:01 PM I got to the pool today. This was huge for me, because I've gained so much weight since I last swam. I was embarassed that I'd let myself go, and to add insult to injury I had to parade around a pool. I tried to get back into the pool about two years ago, and I got all the way to the locker room before turning back and driving home again. Failure that day. But today I got into my suit, got into the pool, and even shared a lane with a friendly aqua jogger. Success on this day. Its awfully nice.

dragonfly253 - 2010-03-02 1:55 PM Hello,
I am new to this thread & newly diagnosed with depression - I have been reading it since I joined BT about a year ago. I am so thankful to hear there is a community of people just like you so available.

I have been aiming to do a tri for a little over a year, but training has been off and on, depending on my state of mind.
I know this is something important for me to keep at ... I used to be very athletic in high school, and continued in college. However, I transfered my sophmore year, and stopped playing. I did not keep up my exercise regiment. I have always known that to be balanced I need to be active, so I would returned to it sporadically, but couldn't keep my attention on it for long. I needed a goal to work towards - just like a coach would push me to work harder, I needed to teach myself to work harder. So, I decided to train for a sprint tri. I would work really hard for a good chunk of time and then just stop and fall into a funk. It is a cycle that continues for me ...

I stumbled onto BT, and found this great resource of support - I finally gained the courage to post on the general boards and ask people "how to you find the motivation and the time?" The response I got wasn't too friendly. People told me you need to do it and just stop complaining - if I was complaining about not having motivation, I shouldn't be in the sport. Needless to say I was crushed. I fell into a funk again.
Now I am back in the routine, motivated and ready to push myself, and ready to face what I have been avoiding for my whole life - the diagnosis of depression. I have always known it was there - I have grown up with it surrounding in my family - I was too nervous to face it myself. Now I am beginning to understand what I need to do to stay happy and balanced. Exercise is absolutely one of those things.

So, now back to the dreaded question: How do you all find the time and motivation? The best suggestion I have read on these boards is to just do what you can - even if that means walking around the block.

Thank you for being here, and being such a wonderful support!

dragonfly253 - 2010-03-03 3:55 AM I finally gained the courage to post on the general boards and ask people "how to you find the motivation and the time?" The response I got wasn't too friendly. People told me you need to do it and just stop complaining - if I was complaining about not having motivation, I shouldn't be in the sport. Needless to say I was crushed. I fell into a funk again.

So, now back to the dreaded question: How do you all find the time and motivation? The best suggestion I have read on these boards is to just do what you can - even if that means walking around the block.

Thank you for being here, and being such a wonderful support!

dragonfly253 - 2010-03-02 1:55 PM Hello,
I am new to this thread & newly diagnosed with depression - I have been reading it since I joined BT about a year ago. I am so thankful to hear there is a community of people just like you so available.

I have been aiming to do a tri for a little over a year, but training has been off and on, depending on my state of mind.
I know this is something important for me to keep at ... I used to be very athletic in high school, and continued in college. However, I transfered my sophmore year, and stopped playing. I did not keep up my exercise regiment. I have always known that to be balanced I need to be active, so I would returned to it sporadically, but couldn't keep my attention on it for long. I needed a goal to work towards - just like a coach would push me to work harder, I needed to teach myself to work harder. So, I decided to train for a sprint tri. I would work really hard for a good chunk of time and then just stop and fall into a funk. It is a cycle that continues for me ...

I stumbled onto BT, and found this great resource of support - I finally gained the courage to post on the general boards and ask people "how to you find the motivation and the time?" The response I got wasn't too friendly. People told me you need to do it and just stop complaining - if I was complaining about not having motivation, I shouldn't be in the sport. Needless to say I was crushed. I fell into a funk again.
Now I am back in the routine, motivated and ready to push myself, and ready to face what I have been avoiding for my whole life - the diagnosis of depression. I have always known it was there - I have grown up with it surrounding in my family - I was too nervous to face it myself. Now I am beginning to understand what I need to do to stay happy and balanced. Exercise is absolutely one of those things.

So, now back to the dreaded question: How do you all find the time and motivation? The best suggestion I have read on these boards is to just do what you can - even if that means walking around the block.

Thank you for being here, and being such a wonderful support!

dragonfly253 - 2010-03-02 2:55 PM

Hello,
I am new to this thread & newly diagnosed with depression - I have been reading it since I joined BT about a year ago. I am so thankful to hear there is a community of people just like you so available.

I have been aiming to do a tri for a little over a year, but training has been off and on, depending on my state of mind.
I know this is something important for me to keep at ... I used to be very athletic in high school, and continued in college. However, I transfered my sophmore year, and stopped playing. I did not keep up my exercise regiment. I have always known that to be balanced I need to be active, so I would returned to it sporadically, but couldn't keep my attention on it for long. I needed a goal to work towards - just like a coach would push me to work harder, I needed to teach myself to work harder. So, I decided to train for a sprint tri. I would work really hard for a good chunk of time and then just stop and fall into a funk. It is a cycle that continues for me ...

I stumbled onto BT, and found this great resource of support - I finally gained the courage to post on the general boards and ask people "how to you find the motivation and the time?" The response I got wasn't too friendly. People told me you need to do it and just stop complaining - if I was complaining about not having motivation, I shouldn't be in the sport. Needless to say I was crushed. I fell into a funk again.
Now I am back in the routine, motivated and ready to push myself, and ready to face what I have been avoiding for my whole life - the diagnosis of depression. I have always known it was there - I have grown up with it surrounding in my family - I was too nervous to face it myself. Now I am beginning to understand what I need to do to stay happy and balanced. Exercise is absolutely one of those things.

So, now back to the dreaded question: How do you all find the time and motivation? The best suggestion I have read on these boards is to just do what you can - even if that means walking around the block.

Thank you for being here, and being such a wonderful support!

hvcycle - 2010-03-02 11:07 PM Hello Dragonfly...
I have to admit that there has been a few that haven't been real welcoming to me also but luckily it is just a very small few.  And mainly because I posted a point of view that I thought to be just another point of view but wasn't taken well, as intended or welcomed..  Oh well,,,  just means that there are alot other forum threads to post on...  Hopefully, I won't ruffle any other feathers.. 
Dee

dragonfly253 - 2010-03-02 11:55 AM Hello,
I am new to this thread & newly diagnosed with depression - I have been reading it since I joined BT about a year ago. I am so thankful to hear there is a community of people just like you so available.

I have been aiming to do a tri for a little over a year, but training has been off and on, depending on my state of mind.
I know this is something important for me to keep at ... I used to be very athletic in high school, and continued in college. However, I transfered my sophmore year, and stopped playing. I did not keep up my exercise regiment. I have always known that to be balanced I need to be active, so I would returned to it sporadically, but couldn't keep my attention on it for long. I needed a goal to work towards - just like a coach would push me to work harder, I needed to teach myself to work harder. So, I decided to train for a sprint tri. I would work really hard for a good chunk of time and then just stop and fall into a funk. It is a cycle that continues for me ...

I stumbled onto BT, and found this great resource of support - I finally gained the courage to post on the general boards and ask people "how to you find the motivation and the time?" The response I got wasn't too friendly. People told me you need to do it and just stop complaining - if I was complaining about not having motivation, I shouldn't be in the sport. Needless to say I was crushed. I fell into a funk again.
Now I am back in the routine, motivated and ready to push myself, and ready to face what I have been avoiding for my whole life - the diagnosis of depression. I have always known it was there - I have grown up with it surrounding in my family - I was too nervous to face it myself. Now I am beginning to understand what I need to do to stay happy and balanced. Exercise is absolutely one of those things.

So, now back to the dreaded question: How do you all find the time and motivation? The best suggestion I have read on these boards is to just do what you can - even if that means walking around the block.

Thank you for being here, and being such a wonderful support!