WWCOJD? (Page 3)

IMO, returning texts or doing pretty much anything besides ignoring him is just validating that his behavior was okay. That's the message you are sending - intentionally or not.

Flip the roles. If the neighbor wife flirted with and then kissed your husband, would you want him to continue text conversations with her and hide it from you? How would that make you feel?

Lani, I wish you all the best in this situation, but I do have to agree with those that have said that unless you actually tell the neighbour his actions were not acceptable, the passive attitude isn't going to get you any kind of results or closure. 

I don't know about you, but most of the people I know aren't mind readers and don't pick up on subtle hints.  Unless you actually tell them what you think or how you feel, they aren't going to know.  Avoiding the situation is only going to continue to make things awkward and keep you inside. 

In my experience, people only pick up hints they are looking for.

When people are emotionally attached to an outcome, that is all they look for. He obviously wants more. He is looking for clues that that will happen. He is not interested right now in finding clues he screwed up, or is a jerk. He kissed, you. You didn't go postal. He asked you to lunch... you were busy... but didn't say never... heck you even mentioned your husband... like once you are done going to lunch with hubby, you can go to lunch with him... yep...green lights all the way.

Of course, you are looking for clues that everyone is understanding your signals because it is crystal clear to you.... and as far as hubby, well nothing at all has changed for him so he isn't looking for reasons your neighbor is trying to have an affair with you. All he knows is you guys have been friends and neighbors for 13 years and only sees things that are perfectly normal for friends and neighbors.

And if you would have no problem if the roles were reversed, that's cool. Because after all, we all know you didn't do anything and so far things are pretty innocent. But for me, I'm not ever going to do anything to cause my wife to think I'm screwing around.... not because I don't want to be accused, but because I don't want my wife to feel like that. I have felt like that, it is not fun. That's how I see it. YMMV

like a few people have already said, this guy will interpret your texts that he did nothing wrong. You sound like you're so creeped out, but you need to let the neighbor know. You have to remember that with guys like him, when you replied back that you couldn't do lunch because you were having lunch with your husband that day- he didn't think "she said no"... he thought, "YES!, but at a later date". He's thinking, "I kissed her and yet she still will have lunch with me (when it's convenient").

There are pros/cons to not telling your husband. I think you the pros outweigh the cons (saying you should tell hubby). And, sorry, your relationship with that couple HAS TO CHANGE. Why should you be the one that is creeped out and uncomfortable? Your husband might inadvertenly plan things with them that will completely make you uncomfortable- a weekend away? As a guy I'd want to know and I may or may not say anything, but still want to know.  I'd be unhappy to find out years later  that I was hanging out with or having beers with, or any socializing, with a guy who did this to my wife.  I still look at guys funny today who dated my wife YEARS before I met her.

It already has and he did it.  You need to let him know that his behavior was not appropriate and has changed your relationship as neighbors. 

For the record Lani, I don't think you need to tell your husband just yet. I think what you need to do is be clear with the neighbor that his attention is unwelcome. Be clear and direct and don't hedge or try to package it in a "nice" way. If he still persists, then tell your husband.

Why not tell the husband up front?  Especially if you are in the situation she is (for the record, I believe you Lani, it's a problem for you, I get it).  I'd have no problem going to the neighbor and saying, "look man, you've made an absolute mess of this....stop it.  My wife doesn't like it and you're gong to ruin a good friendship."  That works almost always.

When it doesn't, here's what does work......"dude, how'd you like your azz kicked?"

I'm not advocating the second option.....but still...what are we doing here?  I can handle some guy making a pass at my wife...we can absolutely still be friends....but once he finds out it's a problem, QUIT, or let's go.

When did that become a problem for guys?

I had a nice conversation with a friend/neighbor who made a pass at my wife.

Then He did it again.

I upped the ante to I'll kick your .

Then he did it again.

I told him I was coming over to his house.

We never actually exchanged blows, but now he lives about 500 miles away.

Because it's not the husbands problem up front. It's her problem. If my wife comes to me and tells me a neighbor is hitting on her and also tells me she has not clearly and directly told him to stop then I have more of an issue with her than with him.

I've been following this thread and finally decided I had to jump in.

I'm firmly in the Aarondb4, Powerman, Left Brain camp. 

For the record, I'm 44, divorced and watched my marriage of 17 years fall apart and my 4 kids have their lives turned upside down because my ex had an affair in a situation very similar to wwlani's. Not sure if that means my opinion should be taken with a grain of salt or viewed as the voice of experience, but here's what I think.

I don't understand how anyone could possibly give any consideration what so ever to their relationship with their neighbors in this situation. This jerk off isn't respecting you, your marriage or his marriage. F* him. If things get difficult with his wife, tough, it is his fault. I don't think it is your responsibility to tell her she's married to a DB, but I do believe she deserves to know. If your friendship ends, too bad - it is his fault and the friendship shouldn't even be a consideration compared to protecting your marriage and family. 

Why are you being polite or worrying about hurt feelings - you shouldn't be worried, you should be mad as hell. He is trying to threaten your marriage. It isn't just flirting. It isn't just a kiss. I won't post details here, but having seen the devastation caused by an affair, I would think a "momma bear" response of protecting the marriage and family would be more appropriate than staying inside and dropping vague hints to a spouse.

I also don't understand how anyone could think anything other than fully sharing every detail about this with your husband is the right course. I don't know you, your husband or what your marriage is like, but I just don't get it. At this point the only thing that would justify keeping a secret like this any longer would be to firmly and clearly putting an end to it and then letting your husband know that it has all been dealt with. Though I still think by far the best course of action would have been to tell him as soon as you were able to compose yourself after the kiss had happened. 

Did anyone else make note that he used his 10 month old grandson as the bait in a trap to make a pass at another man's wife. Now after he hasn't been called on it, he's proposing lunch with the 10 month old grandson in the mix again. <removed the suggestion that violence would be an appropriate response>.

Sorry if I sound judgmental, you are in a tough situation and there aren't any easy answers. I think you've done what you've thought is best don't question your intentions at all. You know your husband and marriage far better than any of us, but you asked for advice and this what mine is. 

Good luck and God bless.

Because it's not the husbands problem up front. It's her problem. If my wife comes to me and tells me a neighbor is hitting on her and also tells me she has not clearly and directly told him to stop then I have more of an issue with her than with him.

Originally posted by wwlani update - it must be something with fall - this started last October...last Wednesday I was replacing the belt on the mower deck (yes I am a girl and yes I can do that ) however, I just didn't have quite enough UMPH to pull it over the last moving (well not at the moment) part. Neighbor has been very polite and nothing other than neighborly all summer...so I send him a text to ask if he's home (it's about 6 pm and my hubby is still at work - wanted to get this done to surprise him). He is - he comes over and helps - great - THEN while I'm cleaning up the tools from the driveway I comment that I'll have hubby get him some beer - he says "not necessary thank you for letting me come over and help, you know I enjoy spending time with you"...WHOA!!!! STOP THE BUS!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT????? I say "thank you" and let the dog out of the house and continue to clean up the tools he then says "you know I am very attracted to you" CREEPY AND WEIRD. WTF are you supposed to say to THAT? (well I've come up with a great response but it's 3 days late) Went inside and called hubby - told him what happened (and he knows about the incident last year). Bottom line - I will have NO further contact with said neighbor - if I need help I'll wait for hubby or call someone else....sad...he's a decent guy...

no he's not.

Let me get this straight.  So you text the guy that laid one on you last year (assault?) to have him come over when the husband is away to help/do you a favor?  THEN get upset that he says he likes spending time with you and finds you attractive?

Ok, I don't give him a pass AT ALL on the creepy factor, but this time, it's on you.  To me that sounds like a poor decision.

I'm sure if my neighbor had tried to laid one on my wife, the last thing she's going to do is have the guy over when I'm gone and request a favor.  She probably wouldn't even TALK to the neighbor ever again unless purely to be civil.

As the husband?  Guess who get's the brunt of my anger at hearing of this?  "Are you kidding me, honey?  Of all people, you asked HIM to come over to help when I'm gone?"

I don't have many "rules" for the wife.  But I think establishing that the guy that forced a kiss on her last year CAN NOT be alone with her in the future would be one of them.

I smell blood in the water!

x2 there is some crazy mixed messaging going on here.

Originally posted by wwlani no blood in the water valid points - fool me once shame on you - fool me twice shame on me - see what happens when you try and give people the benefit of the doubt....

Haha that was in reference to the lashing Kido is gonna get for saying he makes rules for his wife.

No loss to you, your neighbor is a DB, hope is wife figures it out before he hurts her. Hope things went well with your husband.

In his defense, that is a major plot device in 87% of romantic comedies