Triathlon Dating Thread Ver 2.0 (Page 31)

Seriously?!  Do you ever come anywhere near Iowa?

You should really move to Chicago.  Not to date me, but because this town has thousands of eligible bachelors.  You've outgrown Wichita, Lisa.

I also vote for Chicago, we could be single together! 

Can we talk about breaking-up in the dating thread?

I find as an adult, it is very hard to make a "clean snap".  The calmness and just realizing its not going to work is mature, but seems like it never really over?!? 

Again, new at this and just wonder thoughts and prespectives.

My friends I am working on it! Seriously I am 

Hmmmmm, I will wait.

Are you ending it, or is the guy?  If you're the "dumper" it's easy, not so much if you're on the receiving end.  Much like a divorce.  One spouse is usually months ahead of the other.

Ironically, as I always try not to do things in an abrupt way.  The talking back and forth seems we just can't find a happy place and there is routinely of late, more negative than there is positive.  Which tells me it is time to move on.

But I feel like as an adult, and someone who has been married, that I have carefully selected to allow someone into my circle for reason that are obvious to me, not sure I knew what I was doing at 23 or what I needed. So it seems way harder to snap the relationship off. 

More me than him.  

Makes sense and I too, like to be positive and if I have the choice, I like to keep the people I care about in my life at a comfortable/healthy capacity.

Just hard to not slip back in to sharing intimacy and finding new boundries. 

Interested in the male perspective here too?

Depends on the relationship and how it ended. If you were good friends but it just didn't work out that could be a case for still being friends. If it ended badly normally it's cut off.

Like others said, it depends on the stage the relationships was in and how it ended, but I am in the complete break off camp. 

Kill it with fire.

"Being friends" is pretty damn hard to achieve directly after a relationship gone bad, and it's almost always selfish: "I'm not going to invest in you emotionally any longer, but I want to keep you in my life because there are some things in you that I want/need/like." Expectations are pretty damn hard to iron out in a successful relationship. 

I'm friends with several of my Xs, but almost none of them remained friends directly after a break. If it's a mutual break up, I guess, but it rarely is. And if it's not, the person who didn't choose to break should feel some real inequity in the new friendsy relationship. It's not healthy in my mind, despite a skewed common-sense view of being "mature" about it. 

That type of rejection (even if it's merited) is very real and leaves a pretty deep stain. Navigating that seems almost as bad (if not worse) than navigating a failing relationship to begin with.

Or, the quick version: it depends on how serious the ending relationship was. The more serious the relationship, the less likely being friends will work in a healthy way. In my mind there has to be a break, but I'm kind of a jerk.

Welshy

I broke off an engagement, a year later we got back together, his heart wasn't into it the second time, so we broke it off again.  It was really painful, b/c it too was my best friend. I finally had to tell him we couldn't keep seeing each other.  I knew he had started dating and I really didn't want to be around when I started seeing women paraphanalia around.

I also had to give up the puppy we got together, and dog sat. That I think was the single hardest thing for me, now it is more so than the boy.

DeannaS - 2013-01-14 12:13 PM Based on these responses, I think "how many exes are you friends with" should go on my list of questions to ask early on. Big insight into how people will potentially one day treat each other.

Or what do you think of your exes might be a good one. I think someone who hates everyone of their exes or talks bad about them is a big red flag too.

DeannaS - 2013-01-14 12:13 PM Based on these responses, I think "how many exes are you friends with" should go on my list of questions to ask early on. Big insight into how people will potentially one day treat each other.

Possibly, just depends on the ex.  Some people can be in very toxic relationships.  My ex-hubby and I get along and the other Exes in my life don't live near me, but we are on FB together and will email once in a while.  Although none of my long term relationships ever had an ugly break-up.

DeannaS - 2013-01-14 12:40 PM

Big Appa - 2013-01-14 2:23 PM

DeannaS - 2013-01-14 12:13 PM Based on these responses, I think "how many exes are you friends with" should go on my list of questions to ask early on. Big insight into how people will potentially one day treat each other.

Or what do you think of your exes might be a good one. I think someone who hates everyone of their exes or talks bad about them is a big red flag too.

Yep, and typically, if it's an issue for someone, you don't even have to ask. When people start about their exes on the first date, I'm usually thinking, "check, please!" The other big red flag for me that happens pre-date is when you do a background check and they've taken out a restraining order on their ex, or had one taken out on them. Eek. (And yes, I do do an online, free background check on everyone I meet from online dating sites. Doesn't everyone? )

There is a free online one?