Triathlon Dating Thread Ver 2.0 (Page 37)

Agree with Deanna... but you gotta sit down and talk about it. In a past relationship I had a similar experience with a very busy period in my life and a new relationship. My BF sat down with me and expressed his concern (in a VERY thoughtful way, I didn't feel attacked or put on the defense) and asked if this was the norm or the exception, because if it was the norm we would have to re-think our relationship. 

Maybe a similar conversation is warranted here with a move and busy time period in her life?

Appreciate the advice and agree a talk is needed before I know enough to make a decision.  I expected her to be busy, but to drop to almost no effort to initiate contact seems extreme to me.  I really like how you worded that, Lisa...about it being the exception or the norm, etc.  I don't think there's ever a need to attack someone or make them like I'm trying to blame them...either our stuff lines up or it doesn't - doesn't make anyone the bad guy.

Living out in CA, people can be very flakey about plans so I always reconfirm, as I used to for a sales call.  Does anyone else reconfirm?

Nothing so formal as an auto-dialed, prerecorded confirmation call, but usually a simple text with "Hey, are we still on for 6?"

RE: my previous situation.  The same day I said I wasn't initiating anymore, she texted me a "thank you for be patient with me."  Still giving her the benefit of the doubt for the moment, but keeping expectations down and done putting in a lot of effort until I see an increase in interest.  Really, what bothers me most is if I've been passing on other really good opportunities for no good reason. 

Always reconfirm. A quick text like "Hey you've got the red wine right? I've got the Xbox360 and carpet cleaner!" is an easy way to make sure everything is going smoothly.

The only times I break that rule is if it's somewhere I'm going regardless (out with friends, concert, non-classic date stuff) since...well... I'm going regardless.

I understand what and why you're backing off - but this, to me, is also not going to help either of you.  By taking the passive aggressive route how is she supposed to know what you're thinking and feeling?  If you don't say anything you're just assuming that something is going to magically change.  People aren't mind readers.  Unless you speak up and tell her what's going on and how you're feeling about it, you can only expect things to continue in the way that they are.  

I think this is most places not just North CA.

Yup.  Always re-confirm.  People get busy and forgetful.  Horrible feeling to let someone know you're on your way to meet somewhere and get "Aw crap, I forgot! I can't make it!" in response... 

I would not pass on any opportunities if you aren't exclusive.
And I wouldn't assume she is, either.

Sorry to jump in but even though I'm not single, I enjoy seeing how the other half lives and following this thread is fun for me. That said, Zero already stated he and his girl had agreed to be exclusive.

 Seems like decisions about opportunities was already made.

Oh good catch Brad. Didn't remember that.

So you are "exclusive" with a girl who can't make time for you Zero?

DeannaS - 2013-01-31 11:10 AM

lisac957 - 2013-01-31 11:04 AM

Oh good catch Brad. Didn't remember that.

So you are "exclusive" with a girl who can't make time for you Zero?

Exclusive for 2 weeks with someone that was both sick and in the middle of a move and dealing with a birthday (which, at least for me, can be stressful). I still say talk to her. Not wait for her to talk to you, meanwhile getting more and more peeved that she's not living up to some set of expectations that you've not clearly established. Make an effort and talk to her. Be clear about your expectations. Ask if she's interested in meeting them. Ask what YOU can do to help her meet them. I can't help but think that if this was the other way around (Zero being the girl) that all the guys would be saying, "man, she's so freakin' needy! What, are we supposed to read her mind?!?"

Totally agree. Like I mentioned earlier though, if this is the norm I couldn't have a relationship like that. But if it's the exception that's different. Either way you gotta talk about it.

I'm also of the belief that regardless of how busy someone is - if it's important enough they will make time. Spent all day unpacking boxes? "Hey I'm unwinding after a huge busy day with a glass of wine, nothing fancy but you want to join me?" Sick all day in bed? At least a text or phone call explaining - it's the no communication/contact thing that would put me on edge, inside of an "exclusive" relationship.

Yes, Lisa, that's what's bugging me. Things were great, we agreed to exclusivity, then a few days later things went cold.  I kinda thought agreeing to date exclusively would include more...dating.  Or at least not less. 

Hah Deanna... I don't believe I'm that needy, but consider that we live 2 miles apart and I used to get requests for quick 5 minute visits, plenty of texts daily and several voice chats per week.   For the past 2 weeks that is down to zero incoming calls. Zero incoming texts that aren't a response to mine, and only answering my questions - no added banter or our usual daily chit chat (Usually our texts become whole textversations).  (Although we've only called it "dating" for a couple weeks, we've been in daily contact and hanging out for months. No, I don't bombard her...I've been sending just one or two a day to say that I'm still here so she knows I think of her)  Limbo is not my happy place.    I'm fine if we are on or off... I just don't feel good taking other opportunities unless we are officially off.  (yes, I'd be disappointed since this is the first girl in a long time I thought I'd be happy with long term). 

Blueeyedbikergirl - Glad you put it that way...because playing passive aggressive is not my intention nor do I want to project that.  I just am going to be more and more frustrated until we talk and clarify things.  I do intend to talk with her asap and clear things up.  She is going to have to see me Saturday Because I'm helping her roommate move into their new house. I'll force a talk then, after the moving is done.

hmmm.  I just get the vibe that she's keeping you on the backburner.  but thats the cynic in me. 

I don't know if I've ever had "the exclusive" talk.   But then again I'm not really a multiple dater.  I'm more of a non-dater

I do think its odd for her to back off.  Shouldn't you still be in the excited to get a text from the person stage?

Zero2Athlete - 2013-01-31 1:01 PM Office distractions have me typing responses slower than you guys are adding so my last is several posts behind schedule    Anyway, I think we are basically on the page.  Must talk.  I can't make her make time for it.  Just keeping busy and behaving until this weekend when I know I'll see her.  If for some reason that doesn't work, I may be forced to talk on the phone...which I hate doing for serious conversations.

WTF LLoyd.......I have to find out what's going on with you and your new girl by lurking on COJ???  Uh, email or text soon please!