A Heartfelt Plea (Page 2)

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2009-11-20 7:43 PM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
ditchdoc - 2009-11-20 7:19 PM I am sure I will get flamed for this, bu I don't think the O.P is the one being "selfish" in this relationship.
As much as I disagreed with you yesterday, I'll have to respectfully agree with this.

For the OP...if we are getting the whole story and this was dumped on you out of the blue, the issue of communication is the problem, not triathlon. I'm not sure what you all spoke about, but I would directly address what she wants from you and where she sees triathlon and your family life sharing space. There is a phenomenal book written by Charles Schwab and his daughter and while it focuses on finances, the point is there. I can't remember the name of it right now, but it can't be too hard to find. He and his wife are on the front cover.

I hate being as presumptuous as this, but having a healthy and open communication with my SO has been the most important part of our relationship. I'm an entrepreneur and a triathlete and god knows that these are two things that cause more strain in relationships than anything other than doing something wrong. She trusts me and trusts that the decisions that I make are not detrimental to the family. It wasn't always this way, but through years of talking, it became that way. Now she supports my triathlon addiction, she is a healthy brainstormer during my entrepreneurial moments (which is approximately once every 13 minutes) and she lets me know when I'm overdoing it.

My point is that you need to listen to her and here what the underlying issues are here and then determine who is actually being selfish. I wish you luck in the process and I hope that you find what is best for you.

edit: wrong Schwab


Edited by tetchypoo 2009-11-20 7:45 PM

2009-11-20 7:57 PM
in reply to: #2524249

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
So sorry to hear this story.  If there's ANY chance, keep fighting for it.  And thanks for the reminder and warning.  I made a similar turn with work a few years back when my son hid my Blackberry because it was interfering with our lives so much. 

The OPs advice to all  is sound - keep everything in perspective, keep priorities straight, and involve all your significant others in your tri journey.  If it's a family affair (as much as possible) the rewards are many.
2009-11-20 8:04 PM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
wbayek - 2009-11-20 7:57 PM So sorry to hear this story.  If there's ANY chance, keep fighting for it.  And thanks for the reminder and warning.  I made a similar turn with work a few years back when my son hid my Blackberry because it was interfering with our lives so much. 

The OPs advice to all  is sound - keep everything in perspective, keep priorities straight, and involve all your significant others in your tri journey.  If it's a family affair (as much as possible) the rewards are many.


I agree, to a point. I am a Capt. in a moderate sized F.D. There is a reason I don't become a Battalion Chief. I get to go home in the a.m. My Batt Chief will spend the same 24 hours I do, plus two more 8 (+) hour days, then another 24 hour shift. They are on straight time, so there is no O.T. I can get pick up a very few  O.T shifts through out the year and make what they are making.
SOrry, as much as I love my job, I have a life outside the F.D.
2009-11-20 11:51 PM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea

I am sorry for your pain.  As this is a public forum, and minimal information was presented about the nature of the formation and disolution of the relationship (as is appropriate), no one will really understand what the actual causes were for the problems. 

I doubt triathlon is the cause of the divorce.  It can be a symptom of other problems.  Mariage is a covenant that should not be broken by wanting to watch football games, golf or even do triatholons.  Symptoms as in illnesses are like symptoms in relationships, they indicate that there is a problem, with the relationship.  You don't shoot the patient or kill the relationship because of the symptom.  Getting help with the relationship is definately a good call.  I wouldn't give up on my wife of 20 years and would hope that we would talk about any problems that came up prior to ending things (which isn't an option).  

However things turn out, I hope that you find the balance that will help you to find peace.    

2009-11-21 12:35 AM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea

Sorry to hear this, it is sad when a marriage ends.  Just remember that all things are possible through prayer. 

2009-11-21 5:33 AM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Man, Wow, I am sorry for the way things have turned out for you.

Was/Has she been supportive in the past?

I am just curious how the relationship go to the point where you didn’t jeopardize the race to save the relationship? (Did this decision hit you for nowhere or did you know it was coming)

Were you just training to escape? (A lot of people preoccupy themselves to escape or avoid)

Did she give you crap for leaving her while you train or did she keep her emotions to herself?

Were you 100% present while you were with her? (Did you make forth 100% commitment to her needs while you were home?)

Thank you for your open heart in shearing your message as most guys would keep it to themselves.

This could be a learning experience for everyone.

I hope you truly make an effort to “repair” the relationship one last time, because if you truly do love each other, where there is a will there is a way! Some people take back scumbag abusive cheaters so you will have a little shot with a lot of hard work. GOOD LUCK and please post us to let us know you are doing well.


2009-11-21 6:37 AM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Baowolf - 2009-11-21 12:51 AM

I am sorry for your pain.  As this is a public forum, and minimal information was presented about the nature of the formation and disolution of the relationship (as is appropriate), no one will really understand what the actual causes were for the problems. 

I doubt triathlon is the cause of the divorce.  It can be a symptom of other problems.  Mariage is a covenant that should not be broken by wanting to watch football games, golf or even do triatholons.  Symptoms as in illnesses are like symptoms in relationships, they indicate that there is a problem, with the relationship.  You don't shoot the patient or kill the relationship because of the symptom.  Getting help with the relationship is definately a good call.  I wouldn't give up on my wife of 20 years and would hope that we would talk about any problems that came up prior to ending things (which isn't an option).  

However things turn out, I hope that you find the balance that will help you to find peace.    



I suspect that the the training is a lightning rod catching all the heat for the marriage ending.  There could be a host of other issues under the surface - excessive training could have been an excuse to avoid confronting things, or the spouse might have needs for a different kind of partner but not asserting herself, or any combination of factors.  Sometimes warning signs are evident on the outside but not the inside (I recall a buddy who was the "other man" in his girlfriend/later wife's first marriage.  So when she started cheating on him and then left him, I wasn't too surprised, although he was).

It was brave to post this on a public forum, for everyone to comment.  I would suggest (as I did to my buddy) talking to a therapist to isolate the factors in yourself that may have contributed to the marriage failing.  By becoming more aware of patterns and subconscious drives you can make the next relationship work better.
2009-11-21 6:44 AM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea

Put the same time and energy you put into training for your IM into saving your marriage.  Use your 'type A' personality to devote yourself to your spouse and your marriage not as an excuse to end your marriage. 

 

~Mike

2009-11-21 7:07 AM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea

I'm very sorry for your marriage problems, i will be praying for you. God Bless

2009-11-21 8:21 AM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Given the tone of your post, I assume you would like to keep the marriage alive. 

Great, go get the movie fireproof.  It is just a movie, but it illustrates that with god and love anything is possible.

I heard of a study on the radio.  They inverviewed  people who had gone through marriage problems 7 years after the crisis.  They had all chosen to end their marriage, some did some kept fighting. Those who had saved their marriage were significantly happier than those who ended it.  The basic conclusion is that if one of the parties is leaving because they think they will be happier, chances are they will not.

I will try to research the study and post it or send it in a PM.

My wife is away this weekend with the kids at a swim meet, so I am able to double up on my training.  I was thinking last night, it would be easy to do an IM if I were single.  No problem fitting in all the training, but that is not my situation and I need to keep things in balance.
2009-11-21 9:47 AM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
I am just starting my triathlon training and this was a concern of mine from the start.  I have a type A personality and my wife and I sat down to seriously discuss the effects this change in lifestyle would have on us.  She is training for a road race so we are able to begin this journey together  but we are trying to also keep the focus on us.

I wish you all the best and keep your head up and thank you for sharing.

2009-11-21 10:18 AM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
ditchdoc - 2009-11-20 8:19 PM I am sure I will get flamed for this, bu I don't think the O.P is the one being "selfish" in this relationship.


I 100% agree - I was trying to say that but less directly...
2009-11-21 11:07 AM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Wow

I can feel your pain through your writing. 

I hope you and you wife can work it out.

Kevin

2009-11-21 12:31 PM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Well, whatever caused it to happen, good luck to you.
2009-11-21 12:52 PM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea

tetchypoo - 2009-11-20 5:43 PM

For the OP...if we are getting the whole story...

Obviously we're not since we're only getting one side of it. Try to remember that the next time you're in a rush to judgement.

2009-11-23 11:12 AM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
OK Guys,

Just wanted to clarify a few points in this discussion.  One, there are always three sides to every story and this "event" is no different. 

Today is our seven year anniversary and we are meeting with the attorney to discuss arangements of the divorce.  We are going to go through this as friends and will come out as friends.  In fact we had dinner last night, and she told me that she would be happy to "advise" me on what particulars I did wrong in our marriage to help avoid those same mistakes in the future.  I think she was serious.

Anyways, the pain has subsided to some degree and rationalization has hit me.  This is real, and just like anything else tough in life, it is time to face it head on and simply survive it.  I think IM training will truly benefit me through this process


2009-11-23 11:58 AM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
ouch sorry for your troubles. I wish you could both work things out. good luck and take care
2009-11-23 12:28 PM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
VERY sorry to hear this...especially because since I have started doing Tri's and running (my wife runs too), training together has brought us closer and has given the wife and I even more opportunities to bond (because we help and encourage each other)...gives us excuses to take weekend trips to different states/places (we also plan races near family etc ....). 

I'm truly sorry that the opposite occurred with you and your marriage.

There's room for both (I guess that's what I'm trying to say)...and it CAN work.  The best of luck in the future....

2009-11-23 1:27 PM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
SimilakChild - 2009-11-23 12:28 PM VERY sorry to hear this...especially because since I have started doing Tri's and running (my wife runs too), training together has brought us closer and has given the wife and I even more opportunities to bond (because we help and encourage each other)...gives us excuses to take weekend trips to different states/places (we also plan races near family etc ....). 

I'm truly sorry that the opposite occurred with you and your marriage.

There's room for both (I guess that's what I'm trying to say)...and it CAN work.  The best of luck in the future....



SimilakChild:  You have no idea how lucky you are to have that situation. 
2009-11-23 1:35 PM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
I read your post, but didn't read all the comments, so bear with me if its already been said.  Somethings sounds fishy.  If she's leaving you because you spend alot of time training, thats the dumbest thing i ever heard, let her go, she isn't worth it.  Maybe she would rather you took up drinking, gambling, cheating or doing drugs, you know, the backbone of America.  Keep an eye on her, I guarantee she already has someone to replace you.  Thats the reason she's leaving.
2009-11-23 1:39 PM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Oh, and when she tells you she loves you, she's lying.

2009-11-23 1:44 PM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
ChiefBrody - 2009-11-23 2:35 PM I read your post, but didn't read all the comments, so bear with me if its already been said.  Somethings sounds fishy.  If she's leaving you because you spend alot of time training, thats the dumbest thing i ever heard, let her go, she isn't worth it.  Maybe she would rather you took up drinking, gambling, cheating or doing drugs, you know, the backbone of America.  Keep an eye on her, I guarantee she already has someone to replace you.  Thats the reason she's leaving.


I don't agree with ^^ conclusion, but I DO agree with the bolded part.

She's divorcing you because you train too much?  It just seems weird to me for someone to say "that's it, I'm tired of being second to Ironman, I want a divorce. NOW."

As I started the second loop of my marathon at Beach 2 Battleship this year, the physical pain from crashing on the bike left my body and was replaced by a sadness that I would not wish upon my worst enemy.  Seeing husbands, wives and children cheering on their significant others as I struggled to finish the race, knowing that my wife was no where in the crowd and honestly I had given her no reason to be there was soul crushing.  It quite possibly might have been the lowest point of my entire life.  Crossing the finish line of an IM always feels like the end of a journey, I was just too blind to realize what journey that was. 


IMO, it was selfish of HER not to be there supporting you.

OP, from what I've read, you may have put a lot of time into triathlon, and subsequently neglected your role as a husband, but I think you are being entirely too hard on yourself..

and she told me that she would be happy to "advise" me on what particulars I did wrong in our marriage to help avoid those same mistakes in the future.


Wow. None of us are perfect, and to me this is salt in an open wound... not only do I want a divorce, but here's what is wrong with you. Maybe what she finds to be faults another woman will see as virtues.


Hang in there ((()))

Edited by trishie 2009-11-23 1:49 PM
2009-11-23 1:58 PM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea

sorry to hear that this sport has cost you your marriage.  As some others have eluded to, I think there is something more than just IM training that has caused your wife to quit the marriage.  But at the same time, I know the impact this lifestyle has on a marriage and a family.  My wife and I met doing tris and running several years ago...so she understands and supports the lifestyle for the most part.  However, this past summer I trained for my first IM...planning the training the best I could so that it would minimally impact the family.  It was still a struggle...my wife was not happy with me for about 12-weeks...I won't be doing that again (even though a part of me would like to give it another shot).

2009-11-23 2:17 PM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
trishie - 2009-11-23 2:44 PM

ChiefBrody - 2009-11-23 2:35 PM I read your post, but didn't read all the comments, so bear with me if its already been said.  Somethings sounds fishy.  If she's leaving you because you spend alot of time training, thats the dumbest thing i ever heard, let her go, she isn't worth it.  Maybe she would rather you took up drinking, gambling, cheating or doing drugs, you know, the backbone of America.  Keep an eye on her, I guarantee she already has someone to replace you.  Thats the reason she's leaving.


I don't agree with ^^ conclusion, but I DO agree with the bolded part.

She's divorcing you because you train too much?  It just seems weird to me for someone to say "that's it, I'm tired of being second to Ironman, I want a divorce. NOW."

As I started the second loop of my marathon at Beach 2 Battleship this year, the physical pain from crashing on the bike left my body and was replaced by a sadness that I would not wish upon my worst enemy.  Seeing husbands, wives and children cheering on their significant others as I struggled to finish the race, knowing that my wife was no where in the crowd and honestly I had given her no reason to be there was soul crushing.  It quite possibly might have been the lowest point of my entire life.  Crossing the finish line of an IM always feels like the end of a journey, I was just too blind to realize what journey that was. 


IMO, it was selfish of HER not to be there supporting you.

OP, from what I've read, you may have put a lot of time into triathlon, and subsequently neglected your role as a husband, but I think you are being entirely too hard on yourself..

and she told me that she would be happy to "advise" me on what particulars I did wrong in our marriage to help avoid those same mistakes in the future.


Wow. None of us are perfect, and to me this is salt in an open wound... not only do I want a divorce, but here's what is wrong with you. Maybe what she finds to be faults another woman will see as virtues.


Hang in there ((()))


2X, on this!

My wife only tells me every day what I do wrong, its kind of weird the OP's wife would store it up for the devorce dinner with extra wine...
2009-11-23 4:06 PM
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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Very sorry to hear you are losing your marriage. Divorce is very hard, even when the process is amicable. I still think my former husband, from whom I separated 9 years ago, is the nicest, most caring man I've been lucky enough to meet.

I can handle physical distance. I can't handle emotional distance. For me, that's unnecessary, isolating, and makes for a very lonely life. The point of being with someone is to enjoy the emotional connection, IMO. I can relate to the pain of living with someone who is emotionally disconnected. 

If you are both comfortable with emotional detachment, then that can work because you are both on the same page/in your comfort zones. But if one of you wants/needs emotional closeness then that is a huge problem. Having your partner physically present but emotionally absent leaves you feeling abandoned. It's a horrible feeling.
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