How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? (Page 2)

If you think it's an issue... DO NOT GET ENGAGED.

My ex husband was a "fighter". He just liked to fight and have conflict. Saw it early on, but ignored it. Mistake. Miserable 5 year marriage with lots of fighting.

Some people think fighting is just the norm in relationships. With my current boyfriend (of 7 years) we never have huge knock down, nasty fights. Sure, we get a little annoyed with each other at times... but it's nothing huge. If someone has an issue with the other one, we just say what is bothering us. The behavior is changed/fixed, and it's not an ongoing fight/issue.

If you two are having emotional fights only 1 year into the relationship... it will only get worse when you get married. WORSE. It won't improve.

I blamed my ex's behavior on stress, the wedding, etc. Nothing improved with marriage and it went further downhill. He figured there was no reason to improve his behavior- I was married to him, I wouldn't leave, and I had to tolerate it. And I did, until he finally left the marriage.

Marriage is a HUGE decision. It should be lifelong. I think only dating a year isn't enough time to make a lifelong decision. That's just what I think after the mistake I made.

I think there is a HUGE piece of information missing here, as in what your arguments are about.  And that comment about becoming 'the second ex-wife'...aren't already divorced people several times more likely to divorce?

And all the comments about make up pizza?  What if that's what you argue about the most?

Maybe he is like me in that the silent treatment is how to hit you where it counts.  If I'm really mad at my wife I stop talking.  It's the one thing that I can withhold from her that she can't just shrug off.

-eric

Wow, that is so sad. I am so grateful I don't have a partner that purposefully "hits me where it counts".
I totally disagree that the topic of the argument is important. It's impossible to talk or fight about anything if the people talking don't play fair (by using the silent treatment to control someone else's behavior in a negative way, for example). It's not the stuff that we fight about that ruins relationships - it's the way we fight and communicate about that stuff that matters.

 

I don't agree that "already divorced people are several times more likely to divorce".

I am divorced.

What did I learn from my first marriage? A whole lot of what not to do. We were a non example for pretty much everything. Misguided, misunderstood, misinterpreted, MISTAKE.

I learned a boatload of lessons from that fiasco. I matured, grew up, and have absolutely no intention of making another mistake. I am clearly a study of n=1, but I can tell you that my divorced friends feel the same way as I do in regard to their current/future relationships.

To the OP: My first marriage was an absolute free for all. Yelling, screaming, controlling behavior, snyde remarks, put downs, crying, sobbing, drama to the millionth degree. I mistook it for passion and deep/fiery feelings. I was never comfortable with it, but I'd heard that "love was worth fighting for..." and "marriage is not easy..." so I stuck with it. Little by little my self esteem whittled down to nothing and I felt trapped, like I was lucky to have him.

I ultimately snapped back to my senses with the assistance of a counselor and a couple of good friends... and left him. But I spent 10 years in the "black hole" as we call it.

I'm currently in a good relationship and the difference is... ridiculous. When both people in a relationship/partnership are committed to honesty and respect and clear communication... things go much more smoothly. We've discussed everything from the very beginning. We have our moments, but I would never call him a name. I would never yell at him. At least not over anything that wasn't life threatening. I love and respect him and do everything in my power to express myself if I have an issue, without hurting him or bringing him down in any way.

As a result, we don't fight much. And it's awesome. 4+ years and counting.

Edited to fix my QUOTE issues.

Edited by Whizzzzz 2011-02-21 8:47 PM

If you're asking the question - there's too much.

And this. ^^^^^

There is nothing wrong with some arguing in a relationship, it is a sign that both of you care and the relationship is healthy.

Nonetheless, it is important to remember the WHAT and the WHEN in arguing. It is perfectly fine with to discuss a subject within my awareness which had taken place no longer than one week, during commercial break.

Ladies, when you said "we need to talk" what you actually mean is "you better listen to every single word I said to you and agree without making any objection".

Do people not learn from their mistakes? I know this is a hijack. But really? Jeez. That's sad.

You and Chris are quite the team!  YAY for you two!

We might have to make a new thread about this

My ex got engaged a year after our separation before we were even divorced to a guy 15 years younger than her. So IMHO no, some people do not learn from their mistakes.

I found a good page on it
http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com/second-marriage-divorce-rate.html

It would be weird if he looked like you.

What?
Personally, I say what I mean and mean what I say. I expect the same of my partner.
 

Yes and no.  Sure, it's a benefit to go together, but you admit you have things you need to work on.  Maybe you can go on your own for awhile and see if you can find a way to "let go" and not always be right.  I'm guessing that will help some. 

x2

I just want to say thanks for all the input.
We had been friends for 5 years, that's why the 1 year of dating has led so intensely to a choice for a long-term relationship. 

We had a big talk this weekend and are instituting some changes, including no drinking for a while.  We have a lot of stresses on our relationship, his ex and child custody situation, new jobs (his not so great), a new city for both of us where we have none of our friends, one set of aged ailing parents, one set of divorced and politically active parents, lots of hours of driving to care for all these people, so yeah, lots going on. 
We both know that regardless of all the "crap" now, there will always be "crap" and we need to enjoy the road not the destination.  Thank god he's a cyclist and enjoys the road too!

our fighting is never more than 3-4 times a month- but for me that was a lot.  Probably in part because I am physically not used to sharing my space with another human, let alone in a cramped 1bed city apt.  Thankfully also we never top-of-our-lungs scream at each other.

we understand that while 2 people can like and love each other very much, if they don't want the same things out of life (travel, kids, homelife, social life, activities) the relationship will not work.  We have 3 reminders of this in each of our parent sets as well as his first marriage.

I am very aware that at least 50% of the fighting is my fault. I like to be right and and i like to know the answers. So does he.  I have my monthly meltdowns, I am not used to having another person around during that time either so am learning to deal and take space when I need it. 

I will present the couples counseling to him as "communication therapy" as someone suggested- that is a great way to phrase it and in all honesty thats exactly what it is anyway.  He's very good man and extremely good to me and is never cruel or abusive in any way. 

We found a great book if anyone is interested:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.   awesome book, quick read, and non-preachy. 

x2.

When I need to discuss something serious with my husband, I don't mean "you better listen to every single word I said to you and agree without making any objection." I mean, "there is something I haven't been happy with and I'd like us to work through it together."

Please don't make genealizations.

It is not a generalization, yet more of a zany statistics.

In given relationship, women initiates more than men to things "they should do". When this happens, invitation are often to start with "we need to talk".

Men, in the other hand, having already bombarded with other things tend to be silent and hope of two things; either it would soon be over, or she would forget somehow.

In my defense, there are things called exceptions to the rule. However, such exceptions are not for most men to be possessed with.

Yes, there is some real truth to this. As my therapist says, "women are the lightning rods of relationships". It is very frequently women who bring issues to the table in relationships, not the men. That does not mean that only women have problems, only that we bring them up a bit more freely. A lot of men would prefer to not bring something up until it's completely intolerable, just like they won't go to the doctor unless deathly ill. Or they bring up their issues when the woman brings something up. That can cause some serious fights if the woman feels she can't bring up issues without the man piggy-backing.
Men and women have a right and an obligation to bring issues to the table in a relationship. Your partner needs a chance to be a better partner to you. If your partner piggy-backs, maybe you could try scheduling time to talk about relationship issues so they don't get brought up in an already tense discussion.

Great suggestion, Jess!  Thanks!

haha.  just say no to piggy backing.


I like

Edited by gonnafinish plscheer 2011-02-28 9:02 AM