Need to hear the advice of others ...

Sorry for the very tough spot.  I think it all depends on your wife and her relationship with her grandmother. If they were very close then it may be tough fro your wife to go through it especially with a 9 month old to take care of.  If this was expected for some time and your wife has already gone through a portion of the grieving process then she may be just fine.

No matter what you do, you probably won't feel good about your decision. Sorry for not having a good answer.

EFA has a very good deferral policy (I had to defer due to a knee issue).  No cost to defer and automatic entry next year.  It could not hurt to write them and ask... I know it's late but you never know.

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Perhaps your wife's family may feel guilty that you are missing your triathlon.  If so, it would put less burden on them if you did not miss your chance.

Losing loved ones is hard, but you don't have to endure more things than you need to in support of your wife.  

I like to look at these issues from both sides, so perhaps your wife is fine without you, but will be happy that you in fact stayed with her.  Does she have a little crutch when things get tough?  Talking about random stuff?  Hand holding?  You might want to be there for that.

It sounds to me like your wife has already begun the grieving process.  Of course, it's difficult, but maybe easier in some ways when it's expected.  I think there's something really life affirming about someone doing something challenging (like a tri) while grieving.  If your wife really is supportive of you doing the race, then I would.  It might provide her with comfort knowing you're doing something active, enjoyable and ALIVE while she's grieving.

Very sorry for the hard time your family is experiencing!

This is one of the first times that I wouldn't know how to answer.  That's a tough one.

Do you get along really well with that side of the family and that grandmother, then the choice would be easier if you didn't.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to think and reply on this.  I get along very well with that side of the family, and I believe her father was sincere when he said please go do the race.  Still hoping that everything will work in a way that we can attend services and make the race - even if we have to pay some steep flight change fees.  I think based on the timing of her grandmother's decline, the services would be the closure rather than the beginning of the grieving process.  Like many of you said, tough circumstance but we'll just see how the week goes and plan the best we can. 

Thanks again everyone.

I wish that I could offer some advice, but I can't.  I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.  

Oh.... a very wise way of looking at this situation.  Indeed. You can always do EFA again at some point. You will not be able to be there for your wife and her family in this way again.

It sucks, but I think peby hit the nail on the head.

First, I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

Do you have to decide right now?  Can you plan to go, and if things change, decide at last second to stay?  I think you mentioned Thursday you fly out.

I'm not going to speak about the family dynamic and what's expected there.  Enough people have talked about that.  I will talk about the event.

As someone who did the race, I think you want to be in a position to make the most of it.  It's a grand event and of all the races (except for IM's) it's the one I wanted most to have familiy with me.  I'm not sure if you would really be able to get the most out of it if your mind is back home (as well as your wife).  It may be worth waiting another year.  Call EFA, see if you can transfer it to next year based on the situation.  It would be that much more enjoyable if you are not distracted and have family.  You really want to make a great weekend/week out of it.  San Fran is a fantastic city BTW.

I can't imagine the disapointment, mixed with the sadness of the situation.  But I think the whole experience would be much better if you waited.