Anyone ever loose a training partner b/c of spouse?

Having said that, there are two kinds of affairs. One is physical, and one is emotional, and the consequences are astounding similiar considering the differences between the two. I'm not accusing you of anything. Just sharing some perspective that the wife may have had. For you it was a good friendship, but we can't see from your friend's or his wife's perspective. It's possible your friend's wife felt that there was an imbalance of understanding and shared passions in her relationship with her husband versus her husband's relationship with you. Unfortunately, cross gender relationships are somewhat taboo to spouses who hear all about the "friend." So and so did this, or so and so did that. Or so and so understands how I feel, and you don't and you don't want to hear about tri anymore so I won't talk to you about it. And then the problems really get rolling.

It sounds like you're on the outside of communication and shared passions issue between your friend and his wife.

I'm sorry you went through this. Unfortunately, it happens. I believe your intentions were good, and obviously you have a better relationship with your husband than she does with hers. I'm in no way 'taking her side', but you, and we, just don't know whats going on with her or her marriage (if anything). Maybe its insecurity, maybe she's jealous of his time away-and that time is taken by another woman (even though he'd be out riding by himself if you weren't around!)- or maybe she is just controlling. *shrug* We just don't know. 

My husband knows and doesn't question my guy friends, training partners, as many have been around longer than he has. I think with the way lives work, sometimes it's easier to meet guy training partners than females. Not always the case, but with scheduling, I've usually had better luck with male partners. Where we live now, I don't have any female training partners on my radar. Well, maybe my mom occasionally. Otherwise, I just know guys.

Take peace in knowing that your intentions were pure and try to let it go. Maybe you can chat occasionally about your training via email. Hopefully you'll find some other people to train with.

That sucks you had to go through that mess.

That said, I was struck by one sentence:  

Church or no church, I've seen enough to know it makes no difference.  I am totally not saying you were up to shenanigans, just pointing out that church attendance has no impact that I have seen on maintenance of marital vows.

I think you are right about the ex-training partner's wife being insecure...that said, it is what it is, and continuing to work out with the guy would hurt his marriage.  You're doing the best thing by stepping aside.  Personally, I'd wait on road cycling until I had a partner...I just believe in safety in numbers.  Whether stats back me up on that or not, I buy into that belief.

Hang in there!  Another training partner will emerge.

Hey there,

Thanks for your replies and I have thought a lot about it and had girl time discusions so I know how complicated this kind of relationship would feel to the spouse b/c my friends(non-athletes) spoke plainly how they'd not want me to train with their spouses lol. Thanks girls, whatever!

ironultrared: yeah, I can see your point, maybe he was blabbing about our rides or swims, who knows and she got jealous or something but I just figured a guy wouldn't go blabbing about stuff. I'm kind of half-guy b/c I have 4 brothers and can think like them, is that weird?

Haley - I totally agree that it's easier to meet guys for training. For whatever reason, the times I've tried to set up training sessions with females it just wasn't a sure thing and I really hate no-shows and "I'm running late" My time is so valuable, usually have a sitter so I need dependable partners and I always show the same respect. People are busy but lets either do it or not is my opinion.

Joe: In answer to your thought: I'm "not totally unfortunate looking"(who can guess the movie?) but really I'm just one of the guys, not girlie.

Brian: I  do appreciate your support but I totally dissagree with you on "church making no difference" -but please I really don't want a debate, lets just agree to dissagree my friend   Unfortunatley, I will probably be doing lots of rides by myself for a while (b/c when this boot comes off I'm outa here!!!! I can't wait to fly down some hills, I'm frothing at the mouth just thinking about it!) Anyway, I am going to make a call into a female tri club that's  in town and see if I can hook up with them b/c I figure maybe there's got to be some that are serious about training, hopefully. 

Josh: You probably guessed right brother but can we just leave this little conversation in the BT family, thanks I know that goes without saying but since I'm blabbing here I didn't want you to think I thought it was ok to blab there that's a headache causing sentence lol. Anyway, I'd love to run with you but you have such great run fitness now there's no way I could keep up! Not sure when I can actually start running again, maybe I can run/walk late Oct? I'll have to ask doc at next appt, I just don't want to mess up this foot ever again, this boot thing is torture. I think I can ride b/f run and may go out on Oct.13th and do the FB loop, if your interested let me know...maybe DK would do a slow ride, I'll be so slow it'll be embarassing.

Well, I'm hittin the sack, thanks for your support. I may be a loner for a while but I'm very social so I'm sure I'll hook up with new people before too long. Hey, if you have a dependable training partner be sure to thank them, they are hard to come by!

Patsy

That is a hard situation - you did nothing wrong.  I would say that this actually has absolutely nothing to do with who you are as a person.  this is about their relationship and the foundation its built on.   Perhaps she felt that you were connecting with him and getting more quality time from him than she was.  It's hard not to get jealous when you feel that way.  That would be my guess - because you don't really know how your training partner and his wife behave at home with one another. 

Marriages are hard work and not always fun - things can get so bogged down into drudgery of day to day life that people grow apart and lose connection with one another.  This situation speaks more about the state of their relationship with respect to communication and how well connected they are to one another

I agree with this, when I was reading this the first thing I said to myself was "what does that have to do with anything."  

I was also struck by the statement that the club isn't very active, so its easier for you to text/email/call each other to set up training... and then you went on to say that the proverbial 'straw' was that you were cleaning up after a race this inactive club puts on.  Maybe its me and my background, but this raised my spidey senses... maybe it did for her as well.  I'm not saying that you are doing anything wrong, but if it were my investigation these statements alone would make me want to dig deeper.

Here's another point of view, albeit extremely skewed and probably more info than anyone needed to know, but like someone else said, maybe there's issues in their marriage that are compounding the jealousy:

My wife runs alot, she trains and runs up to marathons, even thinking about getting into Ultras, and she is a much faster runner than me.  There's no point in us even trying to run together, because we're talking about a 2 min/mile difference.  But she insists that training is much easier for her when she has a running partner.  Problem is, her most compatible running partner is this a-hole that she had an affair with a few years ago, and although she insists and I'm trying to believe it's over, she still wants to be friends with him and run with him on occasion.  Naturally I'm not at all cool with that.  But, we also have a running group here in town, and there's another male runner who is close to her pace, she gets along with him and likes to run with him.  He's very much so the "church going type".  But after hearing just a little too much about him and her talking about him and his running to much, I flipped my lid and said I was uncomfortable with the way she talks about him and uncomfortable with them running together.  What's my point?  This is an example of how easy it is to be jealous when you're the outsider (me) looking in at the close partnership that training partners tend to have.

But, I'm sorry that you are losing a training partner, a good one can be surprisingly hard to come by sometimes.  Good luck and hopefully it will work out!

Not me.  I'm not wasting a single minute of my time "investigating" my wife, or digging deeper.  That's crazy talk. 

I'm a male who has run/trained with other like-minded women, and, as far as I know, my wife (who is not into competitiveness/training) has not said anything about my training with them, but I'm sure it bothers her sometimes due to it being more about not spending time with the family, but she knows that my passion is about being healthy, training, and liking this sport, and knows that I wouldn't cheat (nor would I want to).  My wife and I have that respect and love for each other.

The woman sounds quite jealous, which needs to get cleared up quickly.

Some more background that might help I think.

I belong to the same club. It's not so much an inactive club as it is a do your own thing kind of club. That race is probably the largest non-ironman triathlon in the state (Emmett's Most Excellent Tri, in case you're wondering). The club is very active in that specific race. When I was actually doing tri training before my son was born, I would regularly join Deirdre and the unnamed person for training. In fact, the unnamed guy is a great training partner period. He's very open to meeting up at any random time he can make. I thoroughly enjoyed training with him and he was usually my first call/text when I wanted someone to train with. 

Don't take it personal. It could just as easily be his bad handling of the situation as anything else. Maybe he isn't communicating well in his marriage, or maybe she is crazy, you will never know. But don't take it as her attacking your character, most likely the problem lies elsewhere. 

Um, dude. Yeah. Just, no words. I mean, how does the issue come up as even close to feasible? Wow. Since you shared it publicly, all I can say is a Seinfeld-esque "well, good look with all that."

Whaddaya mean LB?  I hear Ken Starr's not busy nowadays.  

You got it Phill I'm a man stealing christian who likes to help out my club when asked, yep, your spidey senses are top notch.

Anyway, thank you everyone else for your thoughts, I think your consesus is right, I just don't know what their relationship is like but obviously his spouse is not cool with me being his trainng partner so that's that.

 I actually do take it personally, b/c I know she's thinking all these wrong horrible things about me....achk, screw it, her problem, I soo need a female partner  so I don't have to deal with this crap again.

Patsy

Sounds like a great solution... someone I know has a wife that is incredibly insecure as he's found out over the years.  One of the hardest things he had to learn is that it has nothing to do with him... probably the same with your friends wife.  Good luck with your search! 

My wife and I aren't the jealous types.  Neither of us feel the need to monitor the other.  However, this situation sounds simply batshizzle crazy.  All bets are off once an affair is added to the equation. 

Yeah I would not let my *wife* (dont have on yet) still be friends/running partners with a guy she had an affair with, even if she said its over. Actually, if she had an affair, she wouldnt be my wife anymore. Hope it works out for you

Not offended at all, you are correct. It could be a risky situation, I don't think I'd be too jazzed if hubby decided to pursue an athletic lifestyle and spent significant amout of times with the opposite sex either.

 I know I'm an unmoving boulder when it comes to fidelity and if there ever was an inappropriate feeling toward the opposite sex, whatever the situation, I'd make it my business to not to be in that persons company.

Patsy

[pot stirrer]

So if you're an unmoving bolder wouldn't those inappropriate feeling never get acted upon? Why then the need to not be in that persons company?