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I am a scumbag.
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 2005-08-02 9:19 PM |
Extreme Veteran  360   Lafayette, CO |  Subject: I am a scumbag.So, without going into details, a family member that I was never fond of just died (about an hour ago). I also lived about 1,500 miles away from her my whole life, so needless to say we were never close. When my dad called to tell me the news, I burst into tears...because if they schedule the funeral this weekend then I will have to miss my very first triathlon. And I'm furious about it. I'm mentally preparing myself to explain to my dad why I won't be able to go to his sister-in-law's funeral. There's also the price, about $400 bucks for a ticket on this short of notice, and the fact that my vacation days are EXTREMELY limited at work. But most importantly, I don't want to miss my first triathlon for this. Hell, three months ago I couldn't even swim and in four days, I'm doing a 1/2 mile OW swim. Somewhere deep in my heart, I am really sad at the loss in our family. I am sad for my dad, and for my uncle and my two cousins, because what are they going to do this Christmas? But, I also feel like a total ass for being, at the VERY SAME TIME, really, really angry at this dead person for "choosing" to die near the weekend of my tri debut. How sick am I... Life goes on for some of us, and there will be other triathlons. Aren't emotions funny things? Edited by line 2005-08-02 9:20 PM |
| 2005-08-02 9:26 PM in reply to: #214615 |
Champion 7704   Williamston, Michigan | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. Life does march on. If you can't afford to go then don't. When I was a resident I had to miss the funeral of a family member who was very dear to me because they were having the funeral 2 days after she died and I couldn't afford a ticket. I was sad but I know she would have understood. If you stay home do the tri in her memory. Make a shirt racing for _____ take pics and send them to her family. Take care and don't beat yourself up. |
 2005-08-02 9:33 PM in reply to: #214615 |
| Subject: ... This user's post has been ignored. |
| 2005-08-02 9:40 PM in reply to: #214615 |
| Expert 936 Westchester County NY | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. Emotions are funny things, but when dealing the death of someone close to your dad, but not to you other things come into play. Ask yourself these questions based on there not being a triathlon that you want to do this weekend:
If you honestly feel that your presence isn't really necessary or that the time and money issues make it too difficult to manage then I would not feel obligated to go. You're not a scumbag for having these feelings. You've put a lot of energy into preparing for this race, so the feelings are natural. Is it selfish? Yes, but sometimes that's okay. What you have to do is put the race aside for a moment and look at the big picture, and see what the right thing for you is. If you have siblings I would talk to them before making any decision. If you end out missing this first race there will be others, and I would find one quickly so that you can keep the energy up. Good luck. |
| 2005-08-02 9:44 PM in reply to: #214615 |
| Subject: ... This user's post has been ignored. |
| 2005-08-02 9:49 PM in reply to: #214627 |
Expert 1180 Iowa | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. betsybromley - 2005-08-02 8:33 PM If you do race, I think the idea of racing in her memory is a great one. What a great idea. I don't mean to be insensitive, but you weren't close anyway. With tears in your eyes declare: "This one is for you insert name here!" |
| 2005-08-02 10:21 PM in reply to: #214615 |
| Expert 1213 Los Gatos, CA | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. If you don't go to pay respects to the deceased, do you need to be there in moral support of the survivors? I don't think one should attend funerals just because people expect you to. If somebody there is deeply affected by this loss and could draw a great deal of support from your presence, then that could be a reason to attend. Every family is different, some are sticklers for attending every family event, others are not.....I don't think it's worth going to war over....there will be other tris....My 2 cents.... |
| 2005-08-02 10:27 PM in reply to: #214615 |
| Extreme Veteran 493 Bay Area, CA | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. I have to say that your scumbag quotient is pretty low. It isn't a close relative theoretically or geographically. I say find out how important it is to your dad. One gague for that is if it isn't worth HIS $400 to fly you out there, I'd say it surely isn't worth YOUR $400. Racing in honor of Distant Relative with your father's a-ok sounds divine. |
| 2005-08-02 10:30 PM in reply to: #214615 |
| Expert 683 Denver | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. Sorry to hear about the loss in your family. Whatever your decision is, I'm sure it will be the right one for you. On a semi-similar note, my mom recently told me that one of my cousins got engaged and is getting married in May next year. My first response was "that little shit better not get married on the same day I'm coming back there for a triathlon." If I'm planning on driving 1,000 miles back to my hometown for a race, I better be able to do it! eta: By the way, if you do have to fly back, most airlines will give you a discounted price if you let them know it's for a funeral. And if you think you're a scumbag, I have a friend that has used that excuse on a few occasions to get cheap plane tickets to weddings! Edited by himself 2005-08-02 10:31 PM |
| 2005-08-02 11:15 PM in reply to: #214615 |
| Veteran 256 Woodridge, IL (Chicago) | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. Talk to you dad about it. If he feels that you should be there see if he can offer some assistance in the plane ticket to make the funeral. Triathlons are going to come and go but family is family. Explain to your dad the whole story and I really like the idea of getting a T-Shirt for the race should you not attend the funeral. You can make it yourself for real cheap. |
| 2005-08-03 12:30 AM in reply to: #214615 |
| Elite 2468 Racine, WI | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. I guess, to me, the important question is "how important is it to Dad that I be there?" Then act accordingly. On this issue only YOU can decide which is more important. You said it's your Dad's sister-in-law..(as opposed to being his sister). So he may or may not have lost someone he feels very close to. I, personally, wouldn't feel at all obligated to go to the funeral of someone I hardly know, regardless of the blood ties. I grew up far from family, and as cold as this sounds, SEVERAL people I'm related to but don't really know have died. No, I didn't make it back for thier funerals. But whatever you do don't beat yourself up for the way you feel. You worked hard for this and have every reason to feel dissapointed and bitter, regardless of how you decide to handle the situation. Doing what you know is right doesn't erase your desire to do the race your trained for |
| 2005-08-03 6:33 AM in reply to: #214702 |
| Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. this is a hard call. Your father may need you or he may be inundate with others that are there for him. Also you have the dislike factor to take into account. What is this going to do to you emotionally if you miss this race? I would do the race but I am one of those "Life goes on for the living. Honor the dead by loving them in life" people. I remember my Mom telling me, literally the night she died (she was hit by a car so this was an odd conversation) "Love me while I am alive, don't cry over my grave". What do you need to do for you and your relationships with your living family? Oh and about your feelings. You are entitled to them. There is no sense in feeling bad about an emotion. It is your emotion and while you do not have to be proud of all of them own what you have and own it well. Edited by nliedel 2005-08-03 6:34 AM |
| 2005-08-03 7:13 AM in reply to: #214615 |
| Expert 1135 Delano, MN | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. I am sorry for your families loss. I think looking at your dad's needs is important. If he needs you for support that should be the call. If not staying home and doing the race is right given the distance and expense. As for the scumbag feelings - my step daughter graduates from high school next spring. I would love the run in the local tri next spring (most likely my first). Since the school's graduation was on the same day as the tri this year I have the feeling it might line up that way next year also. I even thought of doing the tri in the morning and going to the graduation in the afternoon. I know this would cause great turmoil in my family so I have come to the point of realizing I need the keep the big picture in focus. Family comes first. I got into this tri thing as I was working through some deep and painful things in my life. I had over the course of time lost sight of the big picture and caused some really hard feelings in my family. I have to keep reminding myself of the big picture. It might mean I miss a workout or even a race but the big picture of my family is more important. Take it from opne who knows - healing hurts between people takes a lot longer than creating those hurts. YOur not a scum bag - just human. |
| 2005-08-03 7:48 AM in reply to: #214615 |
| Elite 3022 Preferably on my bike somewhere | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. In my view, funerals aren't for the deceased. They are for the living. Suck it up and go - be there for your dad and your loved ones. This is when they need you the most. There will be other races to attend but there won't be many opportunities to show your family the love and support they need when they truly need it. Everyone is around when the going is good, but what about when the going is bad? If this tri was that important to you, your family will know what you gave up to the be there for them and they'll never forget it. Life - and death - happens. You're not a scumbag, but I think you need to check your priorities. You asked... |
| 2005-08-03 8:07 AM in reply to: #214615 |
| Master 1462 Michigan | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. I guess I don't feel as bad now. Last year I got a page from my mom while I was in the UP, that is the upper peninsula of Michigan for you other folks. I was in day 3 of a four day salmon fishing trip and after calling her back she told me her dad had died. Well to make a long story short he was an assssssssshole. Never liked him or respected him much. So I said I was sorry and I'll be back after the trip. Turned out I made it to the funeral. |
| 2005-08-03 8:14 AM in reply to: #214615 |
| New user 127 Houston, TX | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. Ayn Rand, in her book, Atlas Shrugged, had one of her characters, Hank Reardon state the following..."Your biological standing to me does not place upon me an obligation." A bit harsh, perhaps. But I believe the words ring true. It is the relationships we develop that matter. Not the ones that are cast upon us by birth. Just my thoughts. Bottom Line: Go do the Tri. |
| 2005-08-03 8:22 AM in reply to: #214792 |
| Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. Ayn Rand.. I love Atlas Shrugged. Been thinking about this. It all comes down to your relationship with the living. What does your Dad want you to do. I mean today. Not in the pain of the call last night but today now. Also if going is a financial burden then that is part of the equation too. Oh and I HATE this thread title. You are NOT a scumbag! I don't remember who was at my Mom's funeral. I didn't really care. It was a big ole tadoo with people milling and chatting and I was sort of in the corner alone (which was fine with me). I remember who was at my son's cause it was not many people. I had friends with obligations who could not make it and I was fine with that. I didn't need support from everyone that day. I needed someone there a couple weeks later, when everyone else had moved on and I was sitting in my room on the floor crying and missing my son so bad I did not think I could go on. Then when someone came and visited it meant a lot to me. More than anything that is what I remember about that. Edited by nliedel 2005-08-03 8:25 AM |
| 2005-08-03 8:28 AM in reply to: #214615 |
| Giver 18427 | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. Here's the funny thing about funerals: they aren't just for the deceased. They are at least in equal parts for the people that were close to him or her. So even though you weren't close to your aunt-in-law(?), if you can be of comfort to your dad, then you may want to consider it. Like others have said, talk to your dad and be honest about your feelings and your issues with going/not going. Oh...and never feel bad about how you feel. It's great to have a forum like this to bounce ideas off of. Most of us aren't Edited by run4yrlif 2005-08-03 8:29 AM |
.| 2005-08-03 8:33 AM in reply to: #214615 |
| Champion 4902 Ottawa, Ontario | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. I do not think that you are mean because you do not want to go to a funeral 1500miles away. I would simply send flowers along with a card offering my condolences. Nobody can expect more from you. Then, I would do the triathlon. |
| 2005-08-03 8:43 AM in reply to: #214615 |
| molto veloce mama 9311 | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. i totally feel for you. i registered for my first oly. ended up that my cousin planned her wedding for the same date (note: i picked the date of my first oly MONTHS before she set a wedding date!). i am very close to my cousin, she was a bridesmaid in my wedding, she asked me to be one at hers. there was no way i could miss it. tri was in minnesota, wedding was in ohio, so there was no way i could do both. i moved my registration for that race to 2006 and found another (well, 2 other) races to do instead. then i heard that another cousin was getting married the weekend of the one other race i had already registered for. doh! move two races to 2006? travel to ohio TWICE in one year? no way. while racing has put a dent in out budget, traveling to las vegas, chicago, and ohio to family weddings in the last year has created debt. i couldn't justify the cost of going to yet another wedding, especially since we aren't as close. i would love to be there, but between the cost, the minimal vacation time my husband has, and that i'd already given up one race this year...well, i'm racing this weekend instead of being at the wedding. anyway, you are not a scumbag. this is something that is important to you. you still have a choice to make. do other family members NEED you there? or do they just think you should be there out of obligation? if there are family memebrs who need you there for emotional support, then you should go. if not, then i think sending a card or flowers would be more than enough. i am racing in honor of loved ones. i don't like the idea of doing it as a way to get out of going and faking tears at the finish line. in the words of syndrome 'lame lame lame lame LAME!" if you really want to race in her honor, deep in your heart, then do it....but i'm guessing if you really felt her loss that way, you would be going to the funeral and another race to do. send flowers. race on your own terms. |
| 2005-08-03 8:48 AM in reply to: #214835 |
| Giver 18427 | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. autumn - 2005-08-03 8:43 AM in the words of syndrome 'lame lame lame lame LAME!" If ever there was a thread not to hijack, this is probably it, but I just saw "The Incedibles" for about the fifth time the other night (life with a 5yo is great), and I still love it. Now back to the angst... |
| 2005-08-03 9:05 AM in reply to: #214849 |
| Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. All threads may be hyjacked! It's a reality of BT : ) Now the other thing we have not addressed is the anger at the aunt for having the NERVE to die now! Well welcome to the club of people who are mad the dead for having the unmitigated gall to die when they did! I am still made at my mother for dying when I was young. THE NERVE OF HER! DIDN'T SHE KNOW I NEEDED HER? She was hit by a car and had no way of knowing she was going to be and it was not in her control but I was still darn mad. When I finally forgave myself for feeling like that I went to her grave when no one was around and yelled at her about it. I really let her have it! You know what? I felt a lot better afterwards too. It's 100% OK to be mad at the dead. This idea that we have that the dead are somehow sainted and sacred and that we cannot speak a negative word about them. BAH! BAH I SAY! mad happens and we cannot control who we are angry at. So feel your irritation and that is 100% fine. Oh and knowing my Mom she didn't care if I was mad at her or not as long as I knew she loved me. Which I always did. Edited by nliedel 2005-08-03 9:06 AM |
| 2005-08-03 11:23 AM in reply to: #214615 |
| Extreme Veteran 360 Lafayette, CO | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. First of all, thank you all, so much, for your insight. It's very nice for me to be able to bounce this scenario off lots of people who understand the work I've done for this triathlon. Your words and opinions (all of them) have been full of wisdom and insight, and I thank each of you for taking the time to share your thoughts. No funeral arrangements have currently been made, though it's looking like it will be Monday. At this point, a plane ticket will cost me over $500, not to mention missing a day of work despite having extremely limited vacation. I am still angry at everyone in my family, including my deceased aunt, for putting me in this position. (And thank you everyone, for reminding me not to be ashamed at my own emotions.) Even my dad, a lifelong athlete (including a marathon...) doesn't seem to get it. I spoke with my brother last night, who is typically the "better" child of us. He didnt' have a whole lot to say, except that both he and his wife are flying out there, no matter what the cost. Families are complicated things...without boring you all with too much personal stuff, I have always played the "black sheep" in my family, and have never felt much like anyone ever really approved of my lifestyle. (Hence living 800 miles away from my closest relative.) It is times like this when I often feel jerked around by them, and it annoys me to no end. I am trying hard to balance that with doing the "right" thing, and it angers me that they are trying to make the decision for me. I am irritated that my parents want me there on principal, but I also think that acting on principal is the right thing to do...in general, I try to look at the bigger picture and do the morally right thing. So...lots of weirdness going on in this head o' mine. Nonetheless, the fact that I had very little to do with this side of the family, especially after the deceased had some horrible things to say about my father, makes it really difficult for me to envision wasting a day off work flying out there, wasting $500 on a plane ticket, and sabotaging my tri. Seriously, all this for a woman who was outwardly cruel to my father when his own mother was dying. And I'm not being vengeful or vindictive either...the whole situation just doesn't make sense. If it were my husband who had died, I wouldn't care one way or the other if they were there, so I can't quite figure out why my family suddenly thinks this funeral is something I HAVE to attend. So the bottom line is this: If I go to the funeral, I will please my parents, they will look good, they will appreciate my presence, and I will be in a horrible mood the entire time, and probably bitter for awhile after. If I DON'T go to the funeral, my parents will be mad at me (this is nothing new), I will feel extremely guilty, my mom will pout for several weeks, my dad will get over it, but I will get to do my tri, save $500, and save a vacation day. We'd probably send a $100 bouquet of flowers. I hate that families are about "looking good." What the hell? Well, right now I'm in a pissy mood, and this appears to be a lose-lose situation. Hopefully I will begin to see straight by tomorrow. Anyway. Again, thank you all for your opinions on this issue. I will keep you all posted, as you have been so kind in sharing your own thoughts. THANK YOU! |
| 2005-08-03 11:40 AM in reply to: #214615 |
| Master 1359 South of SLC | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. Go to the funeral. From your post, this is all about you -- your DAD asked you to go so go. If the funeral is on Monday, your concern about missing your tri is gone, so suck it up and go. It is not like they are asking you to speak and say nice things about her. Just smile and get through it as your Dad will appreciate your support more than anything. Being the black or any other color of sheep is not a blank check to do whatever you want. Mike Edited by Rollin' Thunder 2005-08-03 11:41 AM |
| 2005-08-03 11:43 AM in reply to: #215085 |
| Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: I am a scumbag. Can you fly out after the Tri? All I can say about your family is I so completly understand that it hurts to read your post. |
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