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How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship?
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 2011-02-19 10:59 AM |
Veteran  318  Ardmore, Pennsylvania |  Subject: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship?i'm not a big fighter in relationships. I like to talk stuff out. That's what I get for being a counselor. I can argue like OJ's lawyer if I have to, and I can be pretty defensive when someone puts me on the spot, but I'm not used to being in a relationship with any type or loud arguing or anger or explosive frustration or aggressive defensive words. I seem to be doing a whole lot more of that than I ever have before in my life. I don't really like it. I cannot go to bed angry. I will lie there and boil inside if he refuses to talk. he rolls over and instantly passes out. I can't stand his apparent indifference to whatever situation has made us fight. it makes me want to rip my hair out! we've been dating just over a year. we have his daughter every other weekend. we are planning to get engaged soon. we love biking together. I was initially attracted to him because he is seemingly more mentally mature than anyone else I have ever dated plus he was really good at talking about his feelings. uhg. input please? signed, Sick of Fighting. (mild disclaimer: i do admit to a type A personality and i do like to be "right"... and he has same issue.) Edited by gonnafinish plscheer 2011-02-19 11:00 AM |
| 2011-02-19 11:02 AM in reply to: #3363024 |
Champion 6046   New York, NY | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? I think you answered your own question - you hate arguing/yelling.... and apparently he does not. Some people are ok with arguing and others hate it - so the question really boils down to can you live with this? can he find another way to communicate? counseling time counselor. |
| 2011-02-19 11:07 AM in reply to: #3363024 |
| Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? If you are not happy now as a general rule is there a reason you think it will improve and if so why? Good luck, looking for the right one can be a big part of the fun, when you find that one, it should be icing on the cake!! Best to you in your situation, life, love and training. |
| 2011-02-19 11:14 AM in reply to: #3363024 |
Champion 11989 Philly 'burbs | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? My wife thinks we should always agree but she's wrong, and I told her so! |
| 2011-02-19 11:14 AM in reply to: #3363024 |
Champion 17756 SoCal | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? If you don't like it then it's too much. Another question to ask is does he understand or care how it makes you feel. If he does not fully understand how you feel then it must be relayed. If he knows but does not care then that is a red flag to me. I hate to fight and hated going to bed mad but I could never quite make my ex care about that. I gave up early on saying that I love her and take the bad with the good. Flash forward 12 years when our marrage got bad the fighting got worse and I will not able to cope with it. If you are thinking of getting married now is the time to address isues you have! do not wait down the line when it will be much harder to correct. Good luck  |
| 2011-02-19 11:27 AM in reply to: #3363024 |
Pro 4189 Pittsburgh, my heart is in Glasgow | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? I think this really depends on the people. I know, cop out. But hear me out. Some couples THRIVE on bickering. It may be super uncomfortable for everyone around them, but that's how they function. It's about a pairing of personalities, I think. My husband and I are both avoiders. We hate conflict, and will sacrifice our wants to please others. This actually ends up working really well for us, because it means we're more apt to compromise. But it sure does get frustrating some times when you're trying to work out EXACTLY what they want, or pick a restaurant. I could not function in a bickering relationship. It would drive me nuts. I never quite understood why people stay in relationships when they're constantly mad/disappointed/bullied/bullying with their partner. But it takes all kinds to make a world, right? |
| 2011-02-19 11:37 AM in reply to: #3363024 |
Veteran 318 Ardmore, Pennsylvania | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? so yeah- |
| 2011-02-19 11:41 AM in reply to: #3363024 |
Champion 6046 New York, NY | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? well if he won't go to couple's counseling I think you are done. You are worth more than leftovers.... |
| 2011-02-19 12:06 PM in reply to: #3363070 |
Champion 17756 SoCal | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? gonnafinish plscheer - 2011-02-19 9:37 AM I think he does care that I am upset. This is the most important line to me, huge red flag. I lived with a person who did not value my feelings and really did not care when I was upset. It only got worse with time. |
| 2011-02-19 1:43 PM in reply to: #3363097 |
Sensei Sin City | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? I think some people like drama... Maybe even thrive on it... I'm not one. It COULD be a phase maybe? My wife and I BARELY fight. We might have 2 blow ups a years... Like where I have to leave the house and cool off. Never really any BAD name calling or hurtfull things... These are the normal times. HOWEVER, the 6 months prior to getting married, it seemed like we were fighting ALL THE TIME... I look back now and think it could have been the stress of everything AND perhaps establishing our own "selves" one last time before we became a "we"??? Not sure. I just know it was a dark time, and VERY glad we are over it. Do we get cranky and snip and snap at each other? Sure... But not real arguments or fights. Maybe I'm idealistic, but I don't think ANY arguing/conflict is "ok" in a relationship. But is it going to happen? OF COURSE! It's how you deal with it and grow, which is the important part. |
| 2011-02-19 3:13 PM in reply to: #3363024 |
Extreme Veteran 849 San Diego | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? I'm not a big fan of fighting, either, but I was in a relationship once where there was absolutely NO fighting and that turned out to be a huge red flag because I just didn't care enough to argue about anything. It seemed like we didn't put in the effort we needed to because we were always trying to avoid conflict. That relationship ended after 8 years. The relationship I've been in for the past few years has had its fair bit of conflict. A lot of it had to do with us establishing boundaries with each other combined with both of us being super stubborn. That has gotten much better but it has taken a lot of work. Overall, I'd say the conflict has been beneficial because we've dealt with a lot of issues that other couples avoid for way too long. That said, I'm not ready to marry him because (one reason) the level of conflict is still above what I'm comfortable with. Maybe it will get better, maybe not. One thing for certain: marriage will not make the fighting better. It just makes it permanent (or at least until the big D happens). Make up pizza is always great, though  |
| 2011-02-19 3:18 PM in reply to: #3363240 |
Champion 17756 SoCal | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? nerdjock - 2011-02-19 1:13 PM Make up pizza is always great, though I have never had make up pizza  |
| 2011-02-19 3:22 PM in reply to: #3363245 |
Extreme Veteran 849 San Diego | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? Big Appa - 2011-02-19 1:18 PM nerdjock - 2011-02-19 1:13 PM Make up pizza is always great, though I have never had make up pizza Seriously?! You were married to that B#$%^ for 12 years and no make up pizza?!!! That's just cruel. |
| 2011-02-19 3:48 PM in reply to: #3363024 |
Master 1862 San Mateo, CA | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? Fighting is a deal breaker. Honestly, I dont understand the need to get into a fight. After growing up around parents who fought over everything (and still do), I have zero interest in a battle with the person I am involved with. I'd rather be single than deal with that kind of stress in my personal life. |
| 2011-02-19 3:49 PM in reply to: #3363024 |
Alpharetta, Georgia Bronze member | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? I think when you start to notice it (and perhaps seek out advice because of it), then it's a problem. Like others have said, there will always be minor disagreements in any relationship. But when it comes down affecting your fundamental happiness, there's likely a problem you shouldn't ignore. Also I noticed you said you like to "talk stuff out" and "can be pretty defensive".... just a stab in the dark but is is possible your partner is interpreting this as YOU picking a fight with HIM? Thus putting HIM on the defensive? I know in the past, I have wrongly assumed when the other person wanted to "talk things out" that it came across as super argumentative in my head (I'm thinking "just let it go!"), and thus elevated the "fighting" tone from my end. Just a thought. |
| 2011-02-19 3:55 PM in reply to: #3363252 |
Champion 17756 SoCal | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? nerdjock - 2011-02-19 1:22 PM Big Appa - 2011-02-19 1:18 PM nerdjock - 2011-02-19 1:13 PM Make up pizza is always great, though I have never had make up pizza Seriously?! You were married to that B#$%^ for 12 years and no make up pizza?!!! That's just cruel. Nope, anger is her strongest emotion and it rules all else. If there was a fight it would never really get resolved it would just get to the point were she was done fighting about it. This is one reason why our divorce is going so well |
| 2011-02-19 4:19 PM in reply to: #3363274 |
Extreme Veteran 392 Raleigh | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? Big Appa - 2011-02-19 3:55 PM nerdjock - 2011-02-19 1:22 PM Big Appa - 2011-02-19 1:18 PM nerdjock - 2011-02-19 1:13 PM Make up pizza is always great, though I have never had make up pizza Seriously?! You were married to that B#$%^ for 12 years and no make up pizza?!!! That's just cruel. Nope, anger is her strongest emotion and it rules all else. If there was a fight it would never really get resolved it would just get to the point were she was done fighting about it. This is one reason why our divorce is going so well Big Appa... I think you married my ex-wife or at least her clone.  |
| 2011-02-19 4:21 PM in reply to: #3363290 |
Champion 17756 SoCal | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? bullyboy - 2011-02-19 2:19 PM Big Appa - 2011-02-19 3:55 PM nerdjock - 2011-02-19 1:22 PM Big Appa - 2011-02-19 1:18 PM nerdjock - 2011-02-19 1:13 PM Make up pizza is always great, though I have never had make up pizza Seriously?! You were married to that B#$%^ for 12 years and no make up pizza?!!! That's just cruel. Nope, anger is her strongest emotion and it rules all else. If there was a fight it would never really get resolved it would just get to the point were she was done fighting about it. This is one reason why our divorce is going so well Big Appa... I think you married my ex-wife or at least her clone. I hope not or I would feel really bad for you lol |
| 2011-02-19 6:10 PM in reply to: #3363024 |
Pro 4277 Parker, CO | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? If arguing is how 2-people communicate and it's not abusive then I think it can be healthy. I don't like it but my wife and I are both pretty stubborn. We've been married 13-years. For the most part, I just don't comment on the little stuff to avoid an argument. But the bigger things, like when it comes to the kids, we can have some heated discussions. I don't like conflict but how can 2-people always agree on everything. And make-up pizza...I will never turn down pizza but it's not how I like my pizza prepared. As far as your situation, you're dating so you need to figure it out before to get to far in to the relationship. Things (in my experience) get more difficult when married and with kids. The one thing that I can not tolerate is when someone carries the disagreement on for days...or even into the next day! Or, brings up something that happened in the past. I won't be with someone like that. Oh, one other thing...guys don't like to talk about "feeling" unless there is going to be flowers and pizza.  |
| 2011-02-19 6:17 PM in reply to: #3363024 |
Veteran 318 Ardmore, Pennsylvania | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? Ok so how do i word it about couple therapy without it sounding like an ultimatum? I mean technically it would be a dealbreaker but if I present it like that I am sure he will not react well... |
| 2011-02-19 6:52 PM in reply to: #3363387 |
Buttercup 14334 | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? gonnafinish plscheer - 2011-02-19 7:17 PM Ok so how do i word it about couple therapy without it sounding like an ultimatum? I mean technically it would be a dealbreaker but if I present it like that I am sure he will not react well... Disagreeing is ok. It's normal. Imagine how strange it would be if you agreed on EVERYTHING. How you express your disagreement and work to resolve your differences matters (as you probably already know from your past therapy experience). Why don't you go to therapy yourself? Tell him you feel like you need a sounding board, someone to help you sort out your feelings and help you put pieces of your puzzle together. INVITE him to join you. If he doesn't go, what do you have to lose by going yourself? You may discover something important and beneficial without his participation in therapy. And, if you are not willing to examine yourself, why expect him to allow you to examine him in couples counselling? At the very worst, after some time in therapy for yourself, you may decide that the relationship should end. Doesn't it make a lot more sense to have a therapist help you make that decision you rather than the people of COJ? As to how to invite him to join you, I suggest something heartfelt and honest. In your own words, something to the effect of "You are important to me. This relationship is important to me. I want us to build a life together but what we have been doing is worrying me. I want to have better ways of coping with our relationship; I want you to consider changing the ways you cope with me and our relationship. I think couples counseling can help us hear each other better. Would you please join me in couples counseling?" Edited by Renee 2011-02-19 7:03 PM |
| 2011-02-20 6:36 AM in reply to: #3363024 |
| New user 900 , | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? Why do you date/have relationship with, and want to marry someone you fight with? |
| 2011-02-20 7:27 AM in reply to: #3363024 |
Champion 7554 Albuquerque, New Mexico | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? Renee has some great points (she's really smart, IMO) How much arguing? Enough that both of you know what truly matters to each other and it's productive. When people completely avoid conflict, the relationship often drifts apart and/or one or both people resent that their important values are being compromised. Argue too much, or more likely, unproductively (bringing up the past for example) isn't healthy either. How to introduce the idea of some counseling? Be honest with him that you're concerned about your relationship together and you want a future with him. Since he's already been involved in counseling, he should be somewhat receptive, but make it clear that you're preparing for a future together. Good Luck! |
| 2011-02-20 7:52 AM in reply to: #3363245 |
| Delaware, OH | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? Big Appa - 2011-02-19 4:18 PM nerdjock - 2011-02-19 1:13 PM Make up pizza is always great, though I have never had make up pizza But in this instance is it make up pizza or give in pizza? You've communicated to him several times your feelings on the situation. He's unwilling to change. Cut your losses and move on. Why be with someone who makes you unhappy? Who knows- maybe Mr. Right-who-also-bikes is right around the corner. <-----Says the recently divorced but still optimistic Aysel |
| 2011-02-20 8:14 AM in reply to: #3363387 |
Champion 5529 Nashville, TN | Subject: RE: How much arguing / confllict is OK in relationship? gonnafinish plscheer - 2011-02-19 7:17 PM Ok so how do i word it about couple therapy without it sounding like an ultimatum? I mean technically it would be a dealbreaker but if I present it like that I am sure he will not react well... Stop over thinking it. You sit him down and you say. Honey, I know we occasionally disagree, bicker and things turn into a fight. I know you care about me very much and you want this to be a strong, healthy relationship. It just hurts me sometimes the way we fight with one another. I want us both to be capable of freely expressing our thoughts and feelings in a non-hurtful way. I would like for us to attend a few couple therapy sessions to work on HOW we communicate with each other. Keep in mind--communication is a two-way street. Just as he needs to move toward the middle to understand that things might not be resolved within you, you need to understand what works for him. Sometimes going to bed mad isn't a bad option. You may have a need to process things longer and the only cure is time. He might be able to shrug it off and sleep. Neither are wrong. In fact, both could be right. The key is understanding this about one another so that arguments and end on a neutral playing surface that doesn't build resentment. |
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