TAN #203: TANese New Year - Horsing Around (Page 24)

statistically - it is bad odds, that is all.  not a risk i'm willing to take if i get to that age without having kids after having gone through one genetic anomaly, feel like the deck is likely stacked against me.

Ah, LOL.  Well, doing a good job of it for not trying.

Do you SUPPOSE that my wife of over 6 years and monogamous partner for over 11 have had a few more deeper conversations about our marriage and raising an family and making plans for such?  That we discussed the implications and the difficulties?  Maybe a little more involved/deeper conversations than a few tongue and cheek comments on an internet forum amongst "friends"?

Every consider that someone may joke or complain about their SO with friends?  Taking dramatic/exaggerating/comedic license?  Overwhelming negativity and reluctance?  Seriously?

Obviously the hazards of internet and not knowing people!  Of COURSE I have deep and meaningful conversations with me wife about family.  I can say anything, including "no".  Me saying I can't was an exaggeration.  We joke all the time about it ourselves.  But you see a couple posts as red flags, marriage issues, overwhelming negativity and reluctance.  It's comical to me to glean so much from so little.  Well, when my marriage ends in a horrific divorce because we can't settle on having a family, I guess you can say you were right.  Seems you have the relationship thing all figured out.

Note to self, don't over simplify or joke here!  I didn't realize I was on the couch for a session.

touchy!  Don't stress man! Have a Snickers!

Wave your hands in the air like you just don't care.

Yeah, the wife and I talk about that.  We figure we have 2-3 years to make it happened.  The proverbial clock is ticking and it's not too long before our backs are against the wall!

I know that "clicking tock" and "backs against the wall" have negative connotation but I can't think of better expressions at the moment.  We are NOT pressuring ourselves into doing something as serious as having a child when we are not ready.  Please understand that it's simply us understanding the implications that age has with having a child and taking that in consideration as we plan a family.  We obviously want the timing to be right, but also reduce any potential complications.

Fo' reals.

As for the bulk of your post, it's great that you are having those conversations in private. But what you put out there (here I guess, in public) appears to be a reflection of your feelings on the situation, whether you *meant* them to be a joke or what not. I certainly did not consider your comments to be jokes - you have to admit the tone of the conversation as a whole was pretty serious - but I will do that from now on.

And no need for the other comments about me personally -- that's just not warranted at all, friend.

Easy for you to say!  Your marriage isn't falling apart!  Didn't you see the LOL? 

I'm cool as a cucumber.  The internet amuses me!  It's funny to have people think negatively of me based on a few words on a screen.  It's an interesting phenomena to have people judge you, love you, or hate you based on simple letters and words you type.  They could be fiction or non-fiction, no one on the internet knows!  I wonder if there have been studies about that?  It's powerful, that's for sure.  Shoot, serial killers get people to love them without even meeting based on words in an email or on a page.  It's quite astounding, really, the psychology of it all. 

My wife and kids are going to be gone most of next week for Spring break and I have a whole list of things I am going to do:

1. replace garage doors that she backed into while it was still down

2. Tune up on my car

3. popcorn ceiling from where we had the water leak upstairs

Actually looking forward to doing some of this. I have a couple of buddies that are coming over, we work then grill steaks!

Let me ask then.  How long do you get to say all these negative things about me before I'm not being "touchy"?  How far do you get to go before I get to defend myself and I'm not being over sensitive?

hmm,  all you did is criticize and make negative comments about ME - were those warranted then?  The only thing I said about YOU, was "that you have it all figured out".  THAT'S IT.  If you have it figured out for you.  Kudos.  That's great for you.

It's confusing to me that 99% of what was said was negative about me such as red flags, overwhelming negativity and reluctance, judging my marriage and relationships and plans to have a family as just conversation.  That's all cool then?  AMAZING how one sided this is.  But if that's the way it is.  Proceed to continue to tell me of all the warning signs, and problems and negativities.  I'm listening...

Since I am quoted in this, I will respond.

And Yeah, I re-read everything again and I do think you came off as someone having touched a nerve with you. I do not see anyone attacking anything but the "choice of words". I saw no overwhelming negativity, judging of your marriage and relationships, only a question about your choice of words. So I stick to my "don't stress man", this IS an internet forum where people do not know each other or what is going on in your life besides the things you type.

I know, I look good for 42....reallll gooddddd!

and go to Team B-rad. you two deserve each other...

Shut the front door.  Look what the cat puked up...

Still coming out?  I got it all warmed up for ya.  Low 80's already.

I didn't see anything overwhelming negativity in what I said either.  Or reluctant, or red flags.  But that's what I was accused of - and defended myself against.  hence the ruffled feathers.

I would have accepted the comment that I came across somewhat reluctant or negative in my words.  I get that.  But overwhelmingly so?  Really?  I guess I used phrases for dramatic effect such as "I can't say no" which is a huge deal I guess.  But "overwhelmingly negative" and other phrases was just as an over dramatic use of words as well.

I would NEVER be overwhelmingly negative about my wife - at least in my judgment.  I may have some complaints, but love her WAY too much to be overly negative.

Good, let's both go home and tell our wives how much we love them!  I am out!

After some time and reflection, I want to apologize to TAN for the rant.  I over-reacted.  Not that I over-reacted to the topic but how I reacted to the topic based on the environment.  I would say that relationships and family are extremely personal and sensitive topics.  Perhaps the most sensitive of topics.  Strong reactions are to be expected when discussing them.  I over reacted because I decided to talk about personal topics on a public forum.  One should expect unsolicited criticisms, judgments, comments, or advice when doing that (or to anything posted on a public forum).  I should have known better to put personal topics (and probably poorly worded ones) out on the web and think it wouldn't happen then react the way I did.  I'm completely at fault for reacting in such a poor way to something that I should have known would happen.  It would be like me getting mad my wallet was stolen when I leave it on a park bench - I was foolish to do it.  It was poor thinking on my part and shouldn't have lashed back.

Dude, take the drugs!  Not saying that to be all "cool" and say get all loopy/stoned on pain meds, but seriously, they give them to you to be comfortable after surgery.  I know this was minor, but post-op treatment is NOT the time try and be a tough guy.

When I had my thyroid cancer taken out, they told me to take one BEFORE it started to hurt in order to keep it that way.  If you take it WHEN it starts to hurt, you got to live with the pain for another 30-60 minutes before it kicks in.

Obviously, I can see the concern for dependency, but if that even on your mind, you won't abuse them.  But there is no reason to be uncomfortable if you don't have to be.

SO, keeping it family friendly, what do they do anyway?  I never really looked it up or asked.

Whew, I get busy with work and miss out on the most activity in TAN in a long time and come back to this... quote of the day!

Listen up.....there is no "good time" to have kids.  The good times come after they are born......and it truly should be the greatest experience of your life. 

My twins were born when I was 40 and my wife was 37, they were #4 and #5.....I have no idea if that is old to have kids.....I'll put mine up against any others health wise....make sure yours eat their Wheaties. 

All it takes is the commitment that their needs, their wants, their education, their goals, their dreams, and their future comes first....before anything you want..... easy stuff.

Really....that's what you're hung up on...it's OK to say it. 

If you can't do it, buy a new bike and move on...it won't hurt anyone and no one will care.  You'll be way ahead of the folks who have kids and think they raise themselves.

"Sorry to have a fight in the middle of your Black Panther party" 

I agree 100% LB.  Honestly, if my wife came through the door this very instant and said she was pregnant, it would be the best day of my life after marrying her.  OBVIOUSLY I'm going to voice nervousness of being a new father.  Even more so being 45 and a new father.  I personally don't see being nervous about being a first time dad as such a big deal and throwing up all kinds of red flags.  Isn't just about every expectant parent nervous?  Wonder what's going to happen or what they are getting into?  I personally don't think that saying your nervous or discussing the potential issues is a sign that there is all kinds of indecision.  Is it warning signs if someone expresses apprehension or nerves about anything?  If someone is nervous about a race, or a wedding, or kids...  Is that a sign of potential problems?  To me?  No.  SOMETIMES there could be some deeper issue, but most of time?  It's just nerves prior to something new but of course everyone is excited for it to happen.

I read my initial post again:

"My wife's reasoning is that her dad had her when he was over fifty.  But I guess I always thought I would be able to play with my kids.  Not going to be much fun playing hoops in the backyard when they are 16 and I'm 62 and that's if she squeezed one out this year yet...I still stand by that.  Sure would be heck of a lot more fun if I'm more agile and around 40 - but that's not a reason to not have kids.

I honestly don't know if it will happen.  She wants them, but also keeps pushing it off.  She'll probably push it off until it's pushing the limits for her then I will have half a foot in the grave.  Truth, I don't know.  the "half foot" was a joke.  I don't REALLY think that mid 40's is one foot in the grave.

I'm cool with not having them, but at the same time, makes me sad I will never experience something huge like parenthood...  Oh well.  OTOH, it's not like kids are an experiment.  Can't be done with them and say "well, that didn't work out like I expected but at least I can say I tried it".  That's something that lasts forever.  There are two other "examples" in my family where kids will not happen, so I guess I won't be the exception.  Stand by this too.  I am cool if we decide not to have them but would feel sad missing out.  They are not something you just try - they are a full time commitment.  There are examples around of people that don't have kids and it's perfectly acceptable.

Most likely, I WILL have them.  The wife will say "now is the time" and I guess I have to deal with it.  It's not like I can say "no".  Better start taking my vitamins and testosterone supplements."  If ANYONE has kids, they have to deal with all that comes with them.  You just manage and deal with it.  No?  And of course, joking about the "no" thing.

Other than my last sentence with the "have to deal with it" and can't say "no" exaggeration don't see an overload of negativity.  It's a lot of basic speculation and thinking.  I eluded to a lot of the same things you did.  You have to put them first and they are not an experiment - they come first.  You deal with the extra burden kids put on you to get the joy back of having them.  I STILL can't see where I'm so negative and showing all kinds of signs I don't want them and my wife should be wary of the all the red flags I'm putting up with that post.  To me, it's just talking about the thoughts I have in my head about having them vs not.  I guess weighing the alternatives - just conversing?  Apparently it's not being perceived that way and it was sending up all kinds of warning signs.  I honestly thought it was just conversation. 

Again, I was moron to talk on the internet about such a personal subject - got lulled into a sense of safety I guess.  I take FULL blame.  If I am going to bring up personal items, I need to completely accept the repercussions of that and realize that not everyone is going to agree or be positive - the internet isn't always full of puppies and rainbows!  I need a thicker skin if I'm going to play the internet game.  It's just when it comes to wife and family?  It get's hard.  If I don't like the rules, I shouldn't play the game.  I should have just taken my lumps and not reacted poorly - need to let things roll off.  again, my bad about lashing back for something that was bound to happen just being ON the internet.  Sorry again everyone for the confusion and poor behavior on my part.