The "No Kids Club" (Page 5)

I know you're saying it's OK to be selfish, but.....

that's your interpretation of why someone may not want to have kids.  right? 

It's selfish, I believe, to want to have kids to (a) keep a man (b) please your wife even though you don't want one (c) please your parents (d) show your parents you can do it right, etc etc etc.  As you state, there are as many selfish reasons to have kids as there are for not having kids.

Edited by ChrisM 2010-08-12 5:27 PM

Being a stepparent is a hard job. I grew up with a stepdad and now, as an adult, I realize what a tough situation he was in during my childhood. We have a much better relationship now than when I was younger and I respect and admire him a lot.

Bikergrrrl- Thanks. That's my youngest.  

I am a card carrying member of the Childless by Choice club.  I never wanted any and I'm not attracted to guys who want to have kids.  I love my niece but I've never wanted kiddos of my own.

Definitely learned alot by reading this thread...   Well..  It's a beautiful night in Vegas.. Guess I'll grab my gear, jump on my favorite motorcycle.. obliterate the 65mph speed limit as I make my way to my favorite gym..  Go for a nice 1000 meter swim.. log a few miles on the tread mill..  Maybe grab a nice dinner at a local casino and embrace being 'selfish'..   hehe 

That is so beautiful it makes me cry.

Now about conforming to societal norms for such relationships before having a child ... who, me? Or the crazies I'm wildly attracted to? Both! Heh.

Just like I feel like I need to be truly happy with myself and feel whole on my own before I can be a healthy partner in a relationship, I want to be confident and satisfied as a childless person--as well as with the idea of being a single parent.

none that I know of...by luck / choice

Seriously though, if I ever grow up enough to trust myself with a pet/plant, I might consider children... considering I found the right person to pro-create with of course.

I have kids.  I have so much respect for people who know they do not want children.  There are too many kids being raised by parents who have no business having children.  My hat off to all of you who have taken one of life's biggest responsibilities and said "it's not for me." 

My wife and I were in our mid-30’s and married more than 10 years before we had our first child.

We got some pressure from our families, of course, because I’m an only child and because my sister-in-law was already on her second kid. I think people gave us a break because they knew we wanted kids, but that we were going to wait until we were ready.

It’s funny, now that we have a kid, we STILL get asked when we’re going to have more. We’re not. We’re “one and done” as I like to say all the time.

There’s a part of me—a small part—that wishes that I’d had my son when I was a little younger. Not because of the physical part. Thanks to triathlons, I’m in much better shape than I was when I was in my 20’s, and there’s really only a few year where you’re going to be carrying your kid and throwing him around in swimming pools anyway. My dad had me when he was very young, and he’s about the age now that I’ll be when my son graduates from college.

But I think my wife and I have a much stronger relationship, and as a result, are better parents, because we were able to travel and be together as a couple for so long before we had to take on the responsibility of being parents.

Being a parent really is better than I ever imagined it would be, but if I had to do it over again, I’d have still waited as long as we did to have kids.

Married for 13 years, 9 years without kids, 4 years with. No regrets either way.

I can totally see being happy as a couple, enjoying your time together and appreciating your freedom. Like another person stated my husband had cancer and we knew before marriage that we would not be able to have biological children. We didn't hear a lot of guilt trips about why weren't having kids, most people new. But a few friends would talk to us about what we were missing out on. Blah, blah, blah, kids are the greatest, in one ear out the other.  We were happy just the way we were.

Enter getting older. Those first 8 years went by so fast, at some point I blinked and turned the corner on 35, my husband was near 40. It was time to decide, kids or not, what are we going to do. I totally understand the position you are in. It's tough to think of your life changing. To  picture your life in a different way. You can't imagine children adding anything to your life experience, that is a compliment to your relationship with your wife. I understand - I was there. 

After a lot of thought and prayer we decided to take the plunge and turned to adoption. During the time we were deciding we did not discuss it with our family, it was our decision as a couple and we had to make that committment together, 100% support from both of us.  

 Now we have 2 children (age 2 & 4). I see the other side and can't imagine life any other way. It sounds cliche but you really do see the world in a whole new way when you have kids.  I'm not trying to persuade you into having kids or tell you it's all peaches and roses. I think maybe a lot of the triathletes on here have stated they are type A personalities. Deciding to start a family requires you let go of a little control of your life. That is a scary concept. Check it out: we were waiting 9 months to adopt, during that time we were chosen by 3 different birth moms and all 3 changed their mind - we had no control. My son was delivered to my door stop on my birthday at the age of 4 days, we had one hour notice, no control. We were sitting in the living room last weekend watching cartoons, my daughter spiked a fever and had a seizure, again, no control (she is fine now). 

I'm giving this post way too much thought I'm sure. I'm a little late on the conversation, no one is probably even going to read this. I'm just thinking that maybe you are concentrating on all of the negative aspects of having a family. You can still do fun things and have experiences, you just do them with more people

By the way, you don't need to explain to people who have adopted children to mark yes to this poll. I know I have kids, they live in my house.

My wife has a similar story about her relationship with her stepmom. Growing up she hated her stepmom, thought she was evil. Now that she's older, has a little more perspective, she realizes she's far better off having been raised by her stepmom vs. her mom. She has even expressed this to her stepmom and I think her stepmom views that as one of the greatest gifts my wife has given her.

As many know, I am solidly in the 'no kids' camp.  I love it here.  If you take the emotional aspect of it, there is no logical reason to have kids.  I keep getting told that I would make a great dad and I agree with that.

The problem is that I understand if I have kids that will be the focus of my life.  Not the sole focus (as many make this mistake of doing), because you still have to have your life as a person.

The above bolded comment always gets me.  Yes, you do get to still do fun things.  It will cost more, it will hinder your spontanity and you will have limits to the things you can do.  Is that bad?  No really, but unless you have a nanny to drop the kids off with (which means you're not parenting IMHO) then you are at minimum partially handcuffed.

But like I said, any person that has actually thought about the pro's/con's of having children and decided to or not to, I applaud.  It's those that never give it a thought that I have a problem with.

So true! I think often people are at a loss to understand motivations that fall outside of their norm.  there's always something: married/not married, kids/no kids, too many/kids, no boys/no girls, etc etc etc.  Why does it matter to you - you can have a conversation without being judgemental on these things.

The old have kids to support population growth and to have someone to take care of you aren't really all that imperative anymore.  It just comes down to a more basic - will we or won't we?

I'll throw myself in there. I am young--23. Having kids is just not a priority for me in my current life plan. I'm definately a "fairweather" kid person and will probably make a really good Auntie to my brother's kids and my friend's kids...but is having a kid in the picture right now? No. I'm in medicine and facing down 3 more years of school, plus residency, plus whatever else follows that. I don't think I am being particularly selfish in saying that I don't think I want to have kids. I have a lot of friends who had one or both parents in a demanding career and that wish their parents were around more and not have so much responsibility in their professional lives. I was lucky, my Dad retired early from the military and took care of my brother and I when my Mom decided she wanted to go back to work full-time, so one parent was always around. But this is not always the case.

Could I change my mind when I am done the next 8 years of school? Sure. Do I think I will? I'm not sure, maybe. The one thing I really don't appreciate is when people tell me "it will change when you are older", I always take it as a slightly condescending statement that makes me feel like I haven't adequately thought about my life and what I want. Trust me, I have.

I am in a similar position.  Not with the school, but just with being way too young to make an educated decision.  I am 25, and at this point in time, do I see myself with kids?  Maybe, but I can't guarantee anything.  I am also the same with being a fairweather kid person.  So that is a decision to be made way later in my life, when I think I can make a good decision regarding the possibility.  Right now, I don't have kids, nor do I want them.  I have absolutely no idea how I'll feel in 5-10 years. 

One other misnomer - just cause we choose not to have kids doesnt mean we do so because we wouldnt make good parents.   In fact I think we would be good contributors to the gene pool and have a lot in our favor to raising a 'good' kid with our background, education and family support - but thats not our priority on life.
My wife and I understand what it takes and the sacrifices that it entails to raise a child.  We are very active 'pet parents' and usually adopt a special needs animal that requires a lot of extra attention.  We already make many sacrifices for our animals, so I know that we would do more for one of our own offspring.  But it's still easier to lock up the dogs and go snowboarding for the day - we just can't stay out to late.  But we dont have to get a babysitter.

If you havent seen 'Idiocracy', the first five minutes are funny talking about over population, and whos doing the overpopulating..

Idiocarcy clip 1 - http://www.spike.com/video/first-10-minutes-of/2811209/>Idocracy clip 2 - http://www.spike.com/video/first-10-minutes-of/2811905/>
(sorry for some reason the link took isnt working for me today)

Edited by ratherbesnowboarding 2010-08-13 10:41 AM

x 2. I have an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship, and plan to have at least one more after I get married again in September.  I love being a parent, but there are times when it's bloody hard work and it is a life decision not to be taken lightly. Far too many people don't even think about how having a child will impact their lives.   

I doff my cap to people who are sufficiently self aware to realize that having children is just not for them. There is nothing selfish about that, it's a perfectly reasonable and sensible choice. It may not please everyone around you but that's life. 

I apologize for not reading through all the posts but did scan most.  I always thought I would have more than one child but when the time came - it just worked out such that we had the one.  And then after much discussion we realized we were happy with the one but there is a big stigma attached to it.  People wonder why - medical? marital issues? selfish?  Sometimes you feel almost bullied by some people. 

I have two friends that are/were in the no kids camp. 

One for medical reasons and it DRIVES ME NUTS when people ask her and she politely responds "No we're not having any" and is then attacked like she's some freak.  She would like to have some but for medical reasons can't.  The requirements for adoption are too great, she lives in the US and can't afford some of the options available - and so she has accepted that its not in the cards for her (although continues to try and hope).

The other friend always said the world was overpopulated and she wasn't going to contribute to it.  This was when we were younger.  She later married a man and they have a beautiful daughter.  Things change.  What seems right at one point in time may seem wrong at another.  My advice is to go with the flow and do what works for you at that stage in your life.  Don't let people make you feel inferior for your choices.

I'm just wondering how many people stating "there are too many people in the world and I don't want to add to the problem" actually know what the replacement birth rate is, where our current global birth rate is and how it's trending and the subsequent repercussions are of declining birth rates?

I'm guessing that's really not one of the reasons most are choosing not to have kids.   I would argue that the population of the world and birthrates is really neither a reason *to have* or *not to have* kids.

Somewhat similar to the "you don't know what you're missing" statement being a little contentious to non-parents, I would think that the "don't want to add to the problem" could be meant/taken as parents are creating/adding to the "problem".

Very good point. My mom worked a very demanding career when I was growing up (still does) and I def wished she was around more. For that exact reason, I purposely chose to not have a demanding career when I had my kids. I thought that was 100% the right thing to do for my kids, but now I'm not sure. Financially, I worry I won't be able to do as much for my kids as my mom did for me (in terms of schooling and helping me out when I was 1st living on my own).

I can understand why you’d feel that this was condescending, but, in general, I don’t think it’s meant to be. Things change—people change. What’s that expression? “People plan and God Laughs?” And then there’s “Life is what happens while you’re making other plans.”

The point is, the only thing that is certain is that life is unpredictable. No matter how much you’ve thought about who you are and what you want and how you want to get there, there’s no earthly way that you can be sure that all or any of it will come to pass.

It’s unfair for someone to say something to you like “It will change when you are older”, because, maybe it won’t. But it’s also unrealistic to suggest that they might not be right. Because maybe it will.

I believe it was the prominent Canadian poet A. Lavigne who put it so beautifully:
Life's like this
Uh huh, uh huh
That's the way it is