TAN 201: Yanti races Ironman JaTAN (Page 52)

Thanks, he has always been on teams where everyone makes the team and gets to play and had me as a coach, so I can't wait to sit in the stands and cheer him on, and let him get some real coaching!

Awesome.  Best of luck to him!  Fingers crossed.

Okay, is it our turn yet?

I don't know if anyone's mentioned this yet or not, but Chris and I have a non-real-and-therefore-easier 140.6 coming up in 24 short days! 

EEEEEEEKKK!

you're training for an IM?

24 days holy crap! Hope you've been training?

Cheers TAN.

Ironaman (and/or Ironman facsimiles).

Allegedly, yes.  There's no proof of it actually being an IM though. 

Nah, just going to wing it.  It's not a real one anyways, so it'll be a breeze and I'll prancercize across the finish line. 

I have a serious relationship question for TAN.  Something that has been plaguing me for years and years.

I was taught to try and be gracious as much as I can.  Specifically, when doing things I don't want to do "for" my wife.  To not make her "pay" for me doing it with bad attitude and such.

So, there are many times she wants me to go out and hang with her friends/family whoever, or drive across town for a lunch or some other thing.  OR, more recently, see every night of her upcoming play.  Not opening night, or closing night, or something in the middle.  ALL OF THEM.  I had to put my foot down at also attending dress rehearsal.

SO, if I say I don't want to go, I'm not being supportive.  If I go, and be gracious and "fake" that I'm there happy, then she thinks I'm having a great time and says "I told you you would like it".  OR, I go and act miserable, but them I'm a jerk...

Seriously, what do you do?  I have tried the conversation, "I don't want to do this, but i know it's important to you, so I'll go for you and be happy about it".  Then she get's mad and says "well if you don't want to go"...

The thing is she wants me to WANT to go.  But I can't control that.  All I can control is how I behave no matter how I feel about it.  And I do a lot of this "for" her.  But she doesn't WANT me to do anything for her... she wants me to WANT to for me.  Make sense?

And it's not just the current wife.  It's been every person I dated.  I just don't know how to express my own feelings about it and being true to myself, or just fake it for her but then have her think that I really like it.  There has been several times I'll say I don't want to go to something and she will say "why?  you had so much fun last time".  If I reply "nope, I faked it because it was important to you, but I really didn't have a good time" - you know how that goes over...  "you don't need to do things for me or fake it, blah blah blah".  Or I can just not go and not be supportive, or I can go and be a D-bag all night for being drug their and make her regret it (BTW, I RARELY do that last option).

I guess, removed from the situation, a sit down with her to express this could work.  But of course, she will apply it to the very next event or assume it's about the last thing or the next thing.  Probably go off in a huff that I don't want to see her play and such...

Bah, relationships.

Have you guys done the 5 Love Languages quizzes or books or anything?

It sounds like her love language is acts of service and/or quality time and yours might be something different (just guessing). I think it's important to understand how your partner wants to receive love from you, and vice versa. It's pretty eye opening.

soooooo communication on both sides is getting missed here, i think.

your wife should know you have better things to do with your time.

you are willing to attend the play at a reasonable expectation, even more than once if its a very long run.  but every night is JUST BEYOND RIDICULOUS.

but...saying "i'm only doing it cause you ask" really puts her in a crap spot.  every time my husband says that i want to smash his teeth.

sit down and talk to her about what's fair - i'm really excited to see your new play, but you know i also need nights at home to train/i work early in the morning/to decompress a little/etc.  put it on YOU, not her, typical conflict resolution stuff.  my husband skips a lot of my races to study or go to football games with his best friend or whatever...it's perfectly acceptable to me.  however, it's really important to me that he was there for my first half marathon and he was.  marriage = compromise.

Yup. Not jealous.

I do agree that clear, calm communication could help resolve this. Maybe equate it to her watching you do a sprint tri/10k/play golf a few times a week/month?

If I make it to the finish, I just may have to do this.

I wrote a page long response to Lisa, and another to this.   But deleted them.

The wife is doing what's normal.  She is talking and telling me what she wants and expects.  I'm the one that probably should talk more and just goes along until I get frustrated.

I mean, a lot of times it's easier to just go along and HTFU instead of discussing/compromising everything.

I think a lot of it stems from people tending to fail to empathize/understand others.  One example is the shutdown and people refusing to understand that it COULD be a real problem for some (Ah, big deal, NO ONE will be hurt by this - pure nonsense, because someone will).

Another example is this whole race cancellation thing my friend is dealing with.  He is actually getting threats from participants that they will sue to get their 60 dollars back because the govt shutdown closed the lake.  They think that all the entry fees are just going into their pockets and can't see at all the sacrifice of time and effort they made (and the fact that most of the money was spent already on T-shirt/medals/food/water/deposits).

I'm not asking the wife the feel all kinds of "compassion" for my "sacrifice".  But it also feels like a lack of understanding that all of these events, even though they are awesome for HER, do impact me in less than positive ways.

BUT, I need to  express that.  In the most, calm, and least offensive way.  Yikes.  That could be hard.

OR, I just shut my trap, HTFU, and whine about it on TAN!

Interesting topic and you, obviously, whole-heartedly seem to care about more than anything else in the world.  Very admirable.

Grasping at straws here but perhaps some of it is that you are her protection besides being her husband that she wants you there, OR she needs validation from you while attending the functions, OR just simply that she adores and loves you so much that she finds it absolutely wonderful to include you in her "world" and enjoys that you are there (the latter is what I believe)?

Now, turning this around, do you try to persuade her to attend all your races/activities?  What was the response?

With being human, you both have similar interests and have disinterests, and I think you would like to address the disinterest, and you are not sure on how to best address this with her.  That's tough, and all I can say is continue to be as openly honest with her and that you do not wish to go to every function, and it isn't that you don't care about her or her interests/career.

Don't do that! Get ahead of it. Here is what I mean, when you know she has a show coming up, simply tell her that you want to go see it x number of times, and then ask her which shows she would prefer you to come to.

If you never say anything and lay down, it will always be an issue.

I think it's all the above, but most the latter.  Not a bad problem to have, I suppose.

I think the difference is..  I DON'T persuade her to attend my activities.  Because I KNOW they are boring or uneventful to her and choose not to make her do it unless it's REALLY important to me.  I think they only time I was sort of sad was not going to see me do IMSG and the two IMs in AZ.  But IM's are boring as crap doing them, much less watching them. 

I really hate putting anyone out, so usually don't push/ask for things that may do that.  I think my wife is just more honest and asks for what she wants without either knowing it puts me out, or assumes it doesn't or lets me respond that I don't want to do it.  But then it turns into a bit of a "discussion". 

I can't blame her for asking I attend everything.  It's my fault for just going along.  BUT, in all honestly, it's never "easy" to back out.  It's usually a disgruntled giving in by someone.  me saying "FINE, I'll go".  or her saying "FINE, you don't have to go"...  It may be out of balance because she always asks me to attend EVERYTHING, and I never ask her to attend ANYTHING.  So it "seems" like we just do her stuff.  Again, probably my fault.

It probably has to also do with she has things you are supposed to go see.  Dancing, acting, plays, graduations, etc.  So my attendance is expected.  I don't have anything that demands attendance (OTHER than races, which to be honest, I wouldn't subject anyone to unless they were racers themselves).  Besides, performers are a different breed.  I'm sort of fly under the radar and not get a lot of attention.  Performers are "look at me!  Look at me!"  Can't blame them for why they are.  That's why they are performers.

I generally don't discuss other men's panties...