Military Humor

Military Humor


"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards  the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin  is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop

"If the  enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally  inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed." - Air  Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." - Gen. Macarthur

"Try to look  unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"You, you, and  you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S.
Marine Corp Gunnery  Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."- Army Ordnance

"Five second  fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the  first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything." - U.  S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David
Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you are  walking into an ambush." -
Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has  ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper...  once." - Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician  running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

At the entrance to the old  SR-71 operating base , : 'Though I Fly
Through the Valley of Death  .. I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000
Feet and Climbing.

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. - (Paul F.
Crickmore  -test  pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky. - (From an old carrier sailor)

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and  therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and  pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies;  If ATC screws up,  ... the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S...!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground.  They are incapable of understanding or doing
anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII:  When a crash seems inevitable,
endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow
and gently as possible.

The  Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum. (Jon  McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible. Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and  test pilot

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. Sign over
squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,  1970).

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air.  Do  not go
near the edges of it.  The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It
is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal.

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,  having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck  arrives,
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's
reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself!" [Attributed to Ray
Crandell Lockheed Test Pilot]