Youth sports parents rant

To play the hard a$$ here; the coached asked her. The coach did not ask you. You are not asking your kid to give up anything, the coach is.
This seems like a great opportunity for her to exercise decision making skills, and for her parents to help guide her in the decision making process, but not the decision. Help her lean how to make a decision, not what decision to make.

Now that's an interesting perspective.

Does this apply to everything in life? (why or why not?)

 gotta agree with lisa here.

Just because the other girl trained hard it doesn't really mean anything in a sport that is ultimately decided by time. If it was soccer or softball I could see stepping aside.  But by saying someone really tried hard and should be rewarded for that is demeaning the faster girl that also trained just as hard. and maybe harder.

 what do you tell the other kids on this relay team,  That it doesn't matter what you time is, or how hard you trained, since we might replace you with a slower person anyway.

what if this other girl has a really bad race and does cost the team a medal.. then what?  it's ok we lost since susie slowpoke got her chance to race, and that's more important than all the training the other team members did.

I'd ask the coach directly what is going on.   

 I do... how are you decided which one trained harder..   What critera are you using in this example.

the slower one can be entered in a different race and still compete, why does she get to bump some one else that trained just as hard.

I agree that the "other girl" deserves a chance to win a medal. That chance includes being the best swimmer for the spot on the team. Looks like she wasn't. I disagree that she should be on the relay team if she's not one of the fastest.

This should apply ESPECIALLY in youth sports.  From what I see our kids have issues with failure as they get older.  Mostly because they don't have to deal with it in things like youth sports like I did growing up.  Just because you train hard doesn't make you as good at something as someone else.  This is a lesson kids need to learn and learn how to deal with early in life.

Actually if there are set guidelines on qualifying for the relay team, ie times, then the coach needs to abide by them and not put a child in the position of having to feel guilty about not sharing.  He's the grown up.

That's a hard one. I guess it would depend on how the expectations were communicated by the coach.
If everyone was aware that effort was the sole deciding factor and the coach is the judge of effort, okay. But I have a feeling that's not the case.

Doesn't seem fair that some spots on the relay team are decided by effort and others are decided by speed.

Which begs the question why was the OPs daughter the one to be approached to give up her spot? Why not any of the other relay team members?
 

Wow, I think I'm being trolled here. I'll bite. You might have scanned over the part where mentioned the father timed his daughter to justify removing my daughter from the relay last week. Not the official timing system used for official times, but a stopwatch that he operated in an unofficial capacity. His wife is actively involved in the team and someone was able to access the database to enter that time he took, not one that she swam in a meet. Official meet times are what they use to set the spots on the relay teams.

 Last week we said nothing. There is no way to prove the times were fraudulent. Let our daughter's official meet times speak for themselves and earn the spot. We didn't meddle and figured that would be enough settle the issue. The coach was clearly upset when she asked if my kid would give up her spot. Not her first choice and it was obvious she was being pressured to ask. Her job is to put the fastest team in the water for each event. 

A lot of interesting information here and some good opinions. I might also ask why your daughter is being bumped, if she was also bumped last time. Let one of the other girls get bumped if the coach really wants everyone to get a medal (or whatever his reason is) then spread it around.

I am also a fan of kids earning it. If she is fast enough she will make the team. If she is not she just needs to work harder to make the relay team, if that is her goal. They all have a fair and equal chance to make it right?

Sorry but the two bolded statements don't jive. The swimmer with the ability to get the best time should get the medal according to your first statement.

Your second statement is the reason everyone gets to be MVP on the t-ball team.

Unless the slow girl is dying of cancer or something and this is her last chance to race, I see no reason why the faster girl should give up her spot. She trained hard, she swam hard, she had an opportunity to prove she was faster and rose to the occasion. So now we tell her, way to go, sit on the bench?

If you want to be on the All Star team you have to be as fast as an All Star. I don't think that coddling a child by giving them a medal based on other kid's work is a great idea. If she wants to be on the relay team next year she needs to be fast enough to be on the team.

If the slow kid was my kid and really wanted to be an All Star I would tell her to put in the work, I'd get her some coaching, I would take her to the pool at 6:00am, I wouldn't want her to be on the team because the coach felt bad for her, and I definitely wouldn't ask the coach to put her on the team. She should learn to earn what she wants.

Your daughter should not feel bad of like she is being selfish. This is a life lesson for herAND the other girl. You get what you earn. She earned it, the other girl did not. What if the team loses? is that fair to the other girls who can "carry" the slower girl? People get cramps, have an off day, etc. The coach should put the best girls out there, the ones that earned their spots.

The other needs to learn that you don't get everything you want in life. Doing your best is the goal, NOT the medal.

BTW: While it was only supposition regard the HOA head/dad, he needs to get his nose out of things.

This is true.  Being stuck at the end of the bench should be a learning experience.  If the child truly wants to improve that should be encouraged and cultivated.  Punishing a child who is talented by taking playing time away potentially stunts their growth as well.  This is where practice and the involvement of parents come in.  Game/competition time should not be the sacrifice IMO.

The other girl got to race during the year. It is not like she was preventing from competing. SHe just has not earned the spot on the relay team. According to the team rules the relay team IS a meritocracy. Kids are smart. Most know when they are being given a trophy even though they did little to earn it, or if everyone gets a medal.

A kid that performs well and is NOT given the opportunity she earned according to the rules is just as likely to quit the sport. Besides which it gives everyone a bad lesson: You can use infulence/pressure/whatever to get what you want, whether you deserve it or not.

I see this situation as an opportunity for everyone involved to learn something: the parents, the coach and most importantly all the girls.

Yeah.  Was one of the things that I found odd about the sport when I started.  I also realize I was raised in an overly competitive household and that has shaped my views on such things.  Also the reason why I probably won't coach youth sports until my children are older.