Why I hate cycling

Well...there is no info on your training logs, but I would suspect that you just need good 'ole time in the saddle.  When I'm lacking in one of the three disciplines, or jus tnot enjoying it...that's when I focus on it almost exclusively.  I mean, riding like 4-5 times per week!  You have to embrace your weakness in order to turn it into a strength...you won't magically love cycling somehow.  I am a spin instructor as well...but I'm just the opposite.  I feel like a caged animal in that studio!  Have you maybe tried joining a cycling club?  Or starting a cycling club for you fitness center?  That's what we did when I taught at LTF...by the end of the first season we had over 30 cyclists!!  Plus the miles fly by when you have that many people to enjoy it with.  Try different things...but don't shun the bike...embrace it with all you have!

This seems too easy . . . is this a trick?

Just quit - I certainly wouldn't judge you.

Just buy a computrainer and a fan and ride next to a window. 

A.) On the computrainer you're bike is clamped in... so you can't fall.

B.) Buy a fan and you've got your wind (which you like).  And you'll be indoors so no eating insects.

C.)  Put the whole get-up/set-up next to a window and you got your outside view, as well as the outside view on the computrainer screen.

Now isn't this an easy fix?  A little too easy... NEXT! 

Happy swimming and running outside.

Find a friend and try out some new places.

Actually this sounds a lot to me like how I feel about running.  I can run and run (although not enough by anyone's standards) and I never do much better than the ubiquitous 10 m/m pace, except in few out of the ordinary circumstances.   It's just a slog, time and time again.  Sometimes I enjoy it, usually the after glow, and VERY rarely it feels fun while I'm doing it.

One thing that really helped me was some confidence from a friend.  She told me that she just knew I could run faster and I wasn't allowing myself to do it.  She'd run with me, she knew what I could do if I wasn't worrying about running too fast (ie. trying to avoid side stitches, etc) and that I needed to have confidence.

After that I did a sprint tri and had her in mind.  I let myself run faster and tried not to over think it.  It worked!

I think maybe a little bit of this will go a long way with your cycling.  Being a competent cyclist has a LOT to do with confidence, esp. related to balance issues.  Are you sure you'll fall or weave if you stand up?  Then you probably will.  Believe you can do it right.  Do your best to set yourself up for success by working out your bottle issues (try different set-ups, maybe the Camelbak) to avoid the need to "mess with them." 

As far as speed goes, for me there's this magical point where momentum can take over and make biking faster quite a lot easier.  I feel miserable going 16 mph, but like I'm flying at 20.  Sure it takes more effort to get going, but it's worth it.  Also try different routes.  You've gotten too accustomed to your little loop.  You must challenge your legs to get more out of them.  I've come to actually hate my local loop, because I know which parts will suck and I dread them

I don't ride a ton - I've been doing about 200 miles per month since Spring.  So you don't need to feel bad about not doing enough.   Yes I am self-proclaimed "BikerGrrrl" so I obviously have some affinity for this sport.  But I ride with a friend who really struggles with enjoying and being good at biking, so I can understand your viewpoint.  A good dose of self confidence for her (encouraging her to ride with me, trying new routes) has helped her to improve a lot.

I hope you find some joy in this.  Even try to look for joy in those days when you're covered in sweat, road dirt in the creases of your limbs, and bugs in your teeth.  Because you know what?  You're out there doing something that people envy (being fit and mobile) and you can always take a shower