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2011-01-24 6:56 PM

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Subject: How old is too old to start a family?

I'm just curious what folks here think about starting a family later in life.  To be clear, I don't mean marrying into an existing family, or adopting children -- I mean starting a family from scratch.

At what point are you too old?  35?  40?  50?  60?  70?

Obviously, older people do start families, but when does it start to become questionable?  At what point are you shortchanging the child(ren) due to your age?  For example, an older parent might not be able to do all the physically demanding things a younger parent could do.  And statistically speaking, you won't be around as long (from the child's perspective).  Another negative is that there's an increased chance for birth defects.

So what are your thoughts?

Have any of you had children later in life? 



2011-01-24 7:14 PM
in reply to: #3319237

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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
I had #5 shortly before turning 38.  For me it would be 45ish.  I will be 42 soon and if I didn't feel my family was complete being that age would not deter me.
2011-01-24 7:27 PM
in reply to: #3319237

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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
This is a hard question to answer without a "gender bias" of some sort. Men often have no problem "starting" a family well into their 60s and 70s. A woman of the same age...would be a miracle. I mean, it is all fine and good to want to start a family, but at a certain point, the cards just aren't in your favor. And it has nothing to do with being able to keep up, and everything to do with biology.

Edited by phoenixazul 2011-01-24 7:28 PM
2011-01-24 7:30 PM
in reply to: #3319237

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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
I am the oldest in my family.  My father was about 40 when he married, and 45 when I was born.  He was often mistaken for my grandfather.  He developed some serious heart problems when I was young, and died when I was in college.  I spent my entire childhood keenly aware of death, and the strong possibility that he would die while I was young.

I never knew any grandparents, and all of my cousins were at least 15 years older than me on both sides.  I had some second cousins, who were all at least 7-10 years younger than me. I think it is partly as a result of those experiences that I have never felt particularly close to anyone in my family, and that I got married right out of college. My own kids were already out of high school at the point my father had my brother (only a year and half after me).

At a certain point (I would say 40's), even a person who is in good shape is likely to die relatively young in their kids' lives.  I think (based on my own, biased experiences) that it leaves kids with a somewhat shortened sense of the future. And as I got older, I was keenly aware of the absence of a father to turn to for advice as I was a young man.
2011-01-24 7:44 PM
in reply to: #3319277

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Philadelphia, south of New York and north of DC
Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?

My grandfather was 40 when my father was born in 1910.

My father was 48 when I was born in 1958.

I was 47 when my 5yo (pictured in my avatar from a couple years ago) was born in 2005.
My wife was 44.

New life is a good and sweet thing at any age.

I had no idea my parents were some twenty years older than most of my friend's parents
while I was growing up until I was an adult.
I'm probably more active with my younger kids than a lot of fathers in their thirties,
but even if I wasn't it wouldn't matter.

Fathers pass on the important stuff to their children through osmosis.
It's a mysterious thing. 
It's not what you do with your kids that matters most,
it's who you are.

My mom died when I was 26. (she was 42 when I was born)
My dad died three years later.

I don't feel cheated at all.
I still miss them, but I also continue a relationship with them through prayer.
Two of my kids lit candles for them at church yesterday as part of our family tradition.
My dad would have been 101 last week.
We had a party for him last year to celebrate his 100th birthday.
100 candles on the cake.
Nearly burned the place down.  

I had two wonderful parents, so what's to complain about.
By the time I was an adult, I always knew that they would die when I was still young,
so their deaths weren't a shock. 

Life is good.
Pass it on.  



Edited by dontracy 2011-01-24 7:45 PM
2011-01-24 7:49 PM
in reply to: #3319237

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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
My first was born when I was 38, second when I was 40.  Husband is 5.5 years older than me.  He is done.  I'd happily have a third. I am now 42.  I don't feel as though we are short-changing our kids.


2011-01-24 8:20 PM
in reply to: #3319237

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Philadelphia, south of New York and north of DC
Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?

Regarding the birth defect issue,
it's my opinion that no one should even have sex
unless they're ready to meet their responsibilities
and bring any life that may come from the act into the world.

I grew up with a cousin who had Down syndrome.
I have an adult niece with Down syndrome.
Conceiving Down syndrome children is possible for 
parents of any age.

Persons with Down syndrome are just like any other persons
except they tend in general to be nicer,
have a better sense of humor,
and are generally way more flexible.

Sadly in the United States,
roughly only 1 in 10 children who are conceived with Down syndrome
live long enough to be born.  

2011-01-24 8:21 PM
in reply to: #3319237

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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
I didn't get married until I was 36...my wife is 5 1/2 years younger than I am.  We had our first child when I was 38.  Our second was born one day before my 41st birthday. Our kids are now 9 and 11 and most of their friends have parent's considerably younger than I am.  But they are no more involved or active with their kids then we are.

I have a good friend that he and his wife were told they could not have children.  The he got her pregnant when he was 50...she 43.  There daughter is now 10.  The parents are in better shape and more active than most people half their age. 

Anyway, if two healthy, active people want to start a family I don't think that age should really stop them.
2011-01-24 8:46 PM
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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
Adoption doesn't make a family? Or stepparenting?
2011-01-24 9:27 PM
in reply to: #3319423

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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
mmrocker13 - 2011-01-24 6:46 PMAdoption doesn't make a family? Or stepparenting?
Oh absolutely, those make a family too! I was mainly trying to single out the issue of age, as in how old is too old to have infants as your children. With adoption or step-families, often the children are older (though not always).
2011-01-24 9:38 PM
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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
I was 37 when my daughter was born. I thought that was kind of late, as I'm the 4th of 4, and my parents were 34 when I was born. But...

Now at 47, and Lisa being younger than I, we've talked about it. At this point she does not want children of her own (she's great with my daughter), but there is still that open possibility that this may change. And I'm okay with that. I wouldn't want to wait another 10 years, but in the next 2-3? Sure.


2011-01-24 9:55 PM
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Iron Donkey
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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
2011-01-25 12:51 AM
in reply to: #3319237

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Melon Presser
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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
where there is love ... it's Christmas!

Keith, my love. You are a spring chicken. Of course I'll still marry you and we can have lots of puppies. Thanks

There are no guarantees in life. You can be young and taken from your children. Your children can be taken from you.

I think if you have a reasonable shot at providing for children (emotionally, socially, financially, etc.) in both the present and also have reasonable contingency plans so they will continue to have such provisions in the event of your/your partner's demise, whether imminent or likely in the nearer or farther future ... then have/get a kid.

My mom's (single) best friend at age 70 adopted a young Indonesian toddler, but also made plans for another family to take the child should she pass away or become disabled.


2011-01-25 2:55 AM
in reply to: #3319634

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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
We had our first child when I was 37, and the twins when we were 39 (my better half is half a year younger). Taking into account the dangers of birth defects, we had genetic tests done (quite common in Israel) before the pregnancy, and the amnio test during. Thankfully, everything was ok, so we did not need to make choices of whether to continue the pregnancies or not.

Judging by parents and grandparents, and baring unforeseen incidents, we should be around for at least another 30 years to aggravate the kids. No guerantees, of course, but both sets of grandparents are alive and active, and in their seventies. In fact, my father is still working full time as a project manager, in Europe, with no plans of retiring, and he is 73.
2011-01-25 3:41 AM
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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
24.

Start early, kids.
2011-01-25 4:11 AM
in reply to: #3319237

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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
I always thought my parents was ancient compared to the other kids in class. They were 35 and 36 when they got me.

I had my first one @38 and the second one @40. I personally think 40 is the limit. But then again, if you don't find the right gal/guy...

As someone else in the thread posted i feel a bit disconnected from the family, i never met the grandparents (our kids are 1 and 3 now and only have 2 grandparents alive, soon just 1) All the cousins are 8-15 years older than me.

I think the perfect age is 30-ish. Then again, when i was 30 i was roaming the world and had NO inclination to have kids. ;-)


2011-01-25 7:24 AM
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Master
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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
Coming from a little bit different perspective, I think 40 is my number.  We had our first when I was 24, then 26, and lastly 31.  My dad was 28 when I was born.  My grandparents had my parents a little later, as they all fought in WWII.

I lost most of my grandparents when I was in HS and college.  My children will not likely lose theirs until later.   

I want to be able to support my children and grandchildren, in the same way that our parents have supported us.  My kids have a deep relationship with all of them, and I can't imagine it any other way.  Most of my grandparents were very special to me, but I just didn't get to have them around as an adult.  I'm sad about that. 

There are no guarantees that anyone will live another day, but I like stacking the odds ...  
2011-01-25 8:42 AM
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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
Tripolar - 2011-01-24 6:56 PM (...) statistically speaking, you won't be around as long.

If you plan on living forever, does it really matter? I hope to be a statistical anomaly.

I don't know if there is a cut off date (except biologically). I think it comes down to circumstances, personal moral ethics, and one's basic desire to have a family and perhaps leave something of you behind in this world. Any generalizations on age wouldn't be prudent.
2011-01-25 8:44 AM
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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
2011-01-25 8:44 AM
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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
You report to Sleepshop on your 21st birthday.
2011-01-25 9:13 AM
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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
My mom had me when she was 37, my father was 39.   I was the youngest of six.   I had my first at 37 and my youngest at 40.  Unfortunately, my kids know little of my parents as my father passed when I was in college and my mother 3 years ago.  Fortunately, my in-laws are alive and kicking.  I am probably more active with my kids then some of their friends' parents who are 10-15 years younger.  I have always wanted kids but glad that I waited.  One, for the right woman.  Two, because I am ready and more than willing to give them the love and attention I did not receive.  I rather give them this love as an old fart than a young irresponsible kid that I was in my twenties.  It is about love.


2011-01-25 9:15 AM
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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
If people think your kids are your grandchildren you're too old.
2011-01-25 10:33 AM
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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
I was 40, my wife 45 when my daughter was born.  She's 7 now.  We're both healthy and active, as are my daughter's 4 grandparents, who are in their upper 70's and young 80's.

Yeah, the grandparents won't see my daughter's wedding day, but my wife and I have a good shot at it.

I don't feel too old.  I never would have been ready at age 27, or even 33.  Still too busy living for myself.
2011-01-25 11:50 AM
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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?

The biggest thing I think of is how old my kids should be when they have to worry about taking me to the nursing home, handling my home and personal business, and planning my funeral.  While those things could happen at any age, sure, I like to think positively and that this would happen after I turn 70.  So, I think I would like to be under 40 when I had kids - personally.   Not only will they be older and more established, but most importantly way more capable!


This is a big reason why I initially decided I probably wouldn't have kids.  I was 25 when I got married, but my husband was 43.  I felt like each year he got older, the harder it would be for a kid to have an older dad.    When little Jimmy was in high school, what would it be like to have a senior citizen as a parent?    It didn't feel right to me and I didn't want to have to decide right away.  As the years have worn on, I am very happy with that decision. 

2011-01-25 12:26 PM
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Subject: RE: How old is too old to start a family?
TeddieMao - 2011-01-25 10:13 AM My mom had me when she was 37, my father was 39.   I was the youngest of six.   I had my first at 37 and my youngest at 40.  Unfortunately, my kids know little of my parents as my father passed when I was in college and my mother 3 years ago.  Fortunately, my in-laws are alive and kicking.  I am probably more active with my kids then some of their friends' parents who are 10-15 years younger.  I have always wanted kids but glad that I waited.  One, for the right woman.  Two, because I am ready and more than willing to give them the love and attention I did not receive.  I rather give them this love as an old fart than a young irresponsible kid that I was in my twenties.  It is about love.


I like this. I am the opposite. My parents are ridiculously young.  My parents were married at the ages of 18 and 20 and had me when my mom was just 20.  It wasn't wildly unusual in my small town growning up but it was weird in university when my parents were a full 10 years younger than all my friends.

Anyway, it has more to do with how ready you are. My parent did the best they could and my dad in particular was not super prepared for all of the responsibilities that go along with it and in some ways he really missed out on us growing up because he was doing the same. Only in the last 10 years has he become more involved, aware, etc.  I don't mean that to sound so terrible - my dad loved us so much but he just really wasn't ready.

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