Dealing with 12 year old daughter....Oy.....

Father of three daughters here.  I feel your pain.   It does get better.  You will not always be wrong.  But it does take time.  I would give it 10-15 years.

TW

Having been a 12 yo daughter, I apologize on behalf of all former 12 yo's. But it will get worse, and then it will get better. I still love my daddy and my daddy loves me.

Edit - I thought you had nothing to say but "oy". Now that there's context, I would add that, having been a 12 yo, please, please don't go anywhere. I know we're pains in the butt, but no matter how much I hated my dad at times for being strict (and I'm talking Asian upbringing strict lol) I did need to know he would always be there.

Allow some freedom as to not stifle. Making mistakes is part of learning. I don't regret the fights or the mistakes I've made. I turned out alright.

(Mike_D read bold part, slowly drops head to hands, begins weeping quietly....)

Oh, gonna also add, it really helped that my dad was someone I could really look up to. He was strong and stern, but I give him credit for sticking to his guns. Also, he's a brilliant aerospace engineer and I respect him for that.

I would really respect having a triathlete for a dad. That's a lot of discipline, and a lot of reward.

Mike_D - 2012-03-09 12:01 PM Are all 12 year old girls slobs as well? That drives me nuts.

LB -- how on earth do you deal?

No, I was a neat freak. My parents were the slobs. SO NYAH.

My daughter showed signs of coming around the first year she was at university. The phone conversations would be wonderful, upbeat, and quite enjoyable. Then she would returned home after the first year for the summer and all the bad came out again.

I remember one day it was particularly bad (moody) so I went to another area of the house and called her on the phone. When she answered I said "oh Step, it's so good to hear from you, I miss you and wish you'd come home, there's some other evil person here impersonating you".

She actually laughed and the conversation seemed to have some impact as she then began to recognize her mood swings and not to inflict them on everyone around her.

Good luck, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Mike_D - 2012-03-09 11:01 AM Are all 12 year old girls slobs as well? That drives me nuts.

LB -- how on earth do you deal?

There are battles I will fight, and then there are battles I'm not equipped for.........I don't go in their room....EVER....I'm scared of that place...it appears uninhabitable and dangerous.

Left Brain - 2012-03-09 12:05 PM

Mike_D - 2012-03-09 11:01 AM Are all 12 year old girls slobs as well? That drives me nuts.

LB -- how on earth do you deal?

 

There are battles I will fight, and then there are battles I'm not equipped for.........I don't go in their room....EVER....I'm scared of that place...it appears uninhabitable and dangerous.

We were just talking about this at work yesterday.  My colleague sitting right next to me has two daughters who are in the late teens/early twenties and he was talking about just how messy they are  - and i had to sadly agree - i have two sisters and we were horrific slobs.  None of us is now ...  i still have my moments but, yeah, messy messy messy.  all of us.

Oh good lord..  I have a 7 year old daughter who cried and cried this morning because I wouldn't let her wear a sundress (It's 30 degrees with snow on the ground here!).  So this means I have about 10 years of it getting worse??  Oh yeah, I also have a 7 and a half year old boy who is getting addicted to video games....  Ugh..

Good luck with the 12 year old.  Just remember, when she starts to get better, some of us will be in the thick of things asking you for advice....

Take her electronics outside and shoot them with your .45, then put the video on Youtube. 

All the subsequent interviews will bring you and your daughter together.

I'm going to have to remember that one. Awesomeness!

My Daughter just turned 13 and she can definitely get that way.  I'd say she peaked in her "testing us" phase right when she turned 12, but has pulled back quite a bit.

In our experience it's all about being consistent with consequences as a parent.  If she throws a temper tandrum about something give her a warning that there will be consequences (lose the phone for a day or two type of stuff for example) and then when she keeps pushing take the phone.  Kids aren't dumb and they learn pretty quick to not push your buttons as much.

Our rule with sleepovers is we have to have met the kid and we have to have met the parents and then we make a judgement on letting our kids stay the night.  They know this so they will bring there friend over and introduce us and then make sure their parents are home for us to drop her off and meet the parents.

Mike_D - 2012-03-09 12:01 PM Are all 12 year old girls slobs as well? That drives me nuts.

LB -- how on earth do you deal?

Um no. Once we were of kindergarten age, my mother had her 5 daughters trained to fix their bed before going to school. We also were responsible for keeping our rooms tidy, clothes put away.

Left home at 18.  Still catch myself doing this "bad mood" thing when I go home to visit, at the age of 38. 

It's the safety and comform feeling of "home", and knowing that mom and dad would forgive you for "throwing a tantrum".  Combine with the growing difference between the parents and I, and that the parents are so used to doing things "their way" in their home. 

So yeah, even 20 years later, the 12 year old may come back to haunt you from time to time.

As the father of 5 daughters first I am sorry for what you will encounter over the next 5 years and second I can tell you that the greatest day you will experience on this earth, bar none, is the day that she calls to apologize for her attitude over the past XX number of years. 

3 of my five have done it so far and I still smile just thinking about it.  Until then... GOOD LUCK!

As a former 12 year old girl, I would just say this: don't trust her.  I hope she is less naughty than I was.  It started around 12. 

I was really good and nice and fun to do stuff with after about age 18, though, so there's hope!   In fact I am still a pretty darn good daughter, so the perseverance really paid off.

TWEEN ALERT!!!

I have the exact opposite problem with my daughter.  I'm the one allowing and suggesting the stuff that's "not appropriate" for his daughter to being doing or have.  Many a time, Gracie says to me, "Dad!  Inappropriate.  Common' I'm only ten!  Seriously.  You need to be more mature if you're going to be a good dad to a tween."

I suck as a parent but luckily my kid makes up for it and keeps me in check.