General Discussion Triathlon Talk » My husband doesn't want me to this because...... Rss Feed  
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2009-07-09 9:42 AM

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Subject: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
Okay, this is a new one to me what do you guys & gals think?  My husband was looking on line last night for tri bike and gear for me because I'm wanting to get in to this.  Well, he comes across this article about triathlons and drowning.  Well, now he's having second thoughts about me doing this.  WTH?????

The article talked about underlying heart conditions such as arrhythmia being stimulated during the adrenaline & excitment of racing.  If you pass out due to the arrhythmia while your in the water then you drown.  Yes I do occassionally have arrhythmia but I've never passed out from them and they are NOT ventricular so it's not a problem.  I'm just crushed.  How hard is it to train without your spouses support?  I mean really.  If it's my time to go it's time to go whether I'm in the lake, my car or falling off my sofa.  Give me a break!  Ugh!  This is so frustrating.  Has anyone ever been at a race and someone drowned?  Ugh!  Sorry for the rant but I am livid! 


2009-07-09 9:45 AM
in reply to: #2272715

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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
Ask him if he is going to start driving you around town each day ... I am not sure of the exact odds but suspect that you have a greater chance of getting hit driving while holding a winning lottery ticket than you do of drowning during a race.

2009-07-09 9:45 AM
in reply to: #2272715

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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
i'd check with a doc about your activity levels and explain your wants in your training. He/She shuld be able to give you a better outlook on the probabilities of complications during tri intensities.

While i'm sure the risk is there for bad things to happen...it's just like any other sport. There are safety boats in the water to asst you. and I'm sure the process isnt flawless but they are there to help best they can.
2009-07-09 9:46 AM
in reply to: #2272715

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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
Yes, people drown at races. It happens.

Could you calm his fears by saying you will only do pool swim races? That way, IF you were to go down in the water someone would notice immediately and pull you out?

Do a few pool swims and once he sees that it's not that scary... he might be OK with you doing open water.

I would also suggest you getting a Swim Safe aid (it's a belt you wear and you pull a cord if you think you are going to drown and it becomes a life belt)... BUT if you pass out you won't be able to pull the cord.

Since you occasionally have that issue, I can see where his fear might be a resonable one. If you were a healthy person who this had never happened to (passing out or not)... then it would be silly. As it stands though, he has a right to be fearful.

Do pool swims. Compromise.
2009-07-09 9:49 AM
in reply to: #2272715

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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
Maybe you can baby your husband into it by doing some tris that have pool swims then slowly doing one outdoors that are less than 750 meters swim then progressing from there.  I think that the more that he see you doing it and other people doing it the more comfortable he will be.  His lack of support is an ignorance of the sport so if he sees you out there doing it without problems at shorter distances, he might become educated enough in the sport that the reistance may be less over time.

I think that this is akin to a first time parent where they baby the first born a bit.  Once the 10th child arrives, no one gives a hoot if the child decides to tatoo his/her forehead
2009-07-09 9:51 AM
in reply to: #2272715

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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
I understand his fear also so I'm not unreasonable but I've been checked and checked and rechecked.  The cardiologist has never "seen" any cardiac events on my ECG, or anything. I only feel it and I haven't had an episode in a LONG LONG time.  My cardiologist says not to worry.  I guess I just have to aleviate his fears.  I mean he races a dirt track car occassionaly, he could die doing that.  I'm just frustrated.


2009-07-09 10:08 AM
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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
trybaby2010 - 2009-07-09 9:51 AM

I understand his fear also so I'm not unreasonable but I've been checked and checked and rechecked.  The cardiologist has never "seen" any cardiac events on my ECG, or anything. I only feel it and I haven't had an episode in a LONG LONG time.  My cardiologist says not to worry.  I guess I just have to aleviate his fears.  I mean he races a dirt track car occassionaly, he could die doing that.  I'm just frustrated.


Do pool swims. If you were to go down someone would see you quickly. I know in our lakes here (Texas) they are murky, if someone were to drown, no one would notice and it would take days to find the body.

Marriage = compromise. Find the middle ground to make you both happy.

(Note: I am not married because I would not be OK with my someone telling me I can't do something and I wouldn't want to compromise.)
2009-07-09 10:22 AM
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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
KSH - 2009-07-09 10:08 AM  Marriage = compromise. Find the middle ground to make you both happy. (Note: I am not married because I would not be OK with my someone telling me I can't do something and I wouldn't want to compromise.)


Yeah I have an issue with being told I can't do something, and I don't think I would ever tell my SO they couldn't do something.

Isn't marriage (and relationships in general) also about being supportive?

 
2009-07-09 10:34 AM
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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
Is your beloved telling you not to do it, or that he isn't sure he likes the idea? I can totally see where he is coming from. It is very scarey to see the person you love most in life do something that might be dangerous or deadly for them. My husband is a deployed soldier, I know!

I totally agree with everyone, and though I know next to nothing about this sport, the pool idea seems good to me.
2009-07-09 10:35 AM
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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
halfpint - 2009-07-09 9:45 AM

i'd check with a doc about your activity levels and explain your wants in your training. He/She shuld be able to give you a better outlook on the probabilities of complications during tri intensities.

While i'm sure the risk is there for bad things to happen...it's just like any other sport. There are safety boats in the water to asst you. and I'm sure the process isnt flawless but they are there to help best they can.


I would do this but take it one step further and make sure that your husband goes with you. The doctor will explain the risks and the benefits of the exercise you are doing. If your husband has specific concerns or thoughts about the risks he can get an objective opinion. He may feel differently hearing it from an outside party.
2009-07-09 10:36 AM
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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
I'm sure he just doesn't want to lose you.  I don't think that's a bad thing.

Go to a doc, tell them what you would like to do, and have the doc tell you "yes, you can do that and it should not be a problem." 


2009-07-09 10:40 AM
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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
ChrisM - 2009-07-09 11:36 AM I'm sure he just doesn't want to lose you.  I don't think that's a bad thing.

Go to a doc, tell them what you would like to do, and have the doc tell you "yes, you can do that and it should not be a problem." 
exactly
2009-07-09 10:42 AM
in reply to: #2272903

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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......

I will say that the first open water swim in a race was different than anything I had ever experienced.  I had trained in open water with no issues.  On race day, I don't know what happened.  The first 100 yards seemed to take an eternity.  I got hit, kicked, pushed, off course, disoriented, and couldn't breathe.  I got passed up by the wave behind me, and they started two minutes after we did.  I had to stop and catch my breath about 6 ytimes in a 400 meter swim.  Coming out of the water I started to rethink whether or not triathlon was for me.

My next race I asked to be seeded in the last wave, just in case.  I ended up passing everyone in my wave, the wave ahead of us, AND catching the wave ahead of them.  It all of a sudden just "clicked".  Ever since then, my open water swims have been enjoyable, and I actually look forward to them.

When it comes to my wife, I'm the same way as your husband.  I'm willing to take risks with my own body, but I don't want her taking risks.  It's a feeling of having no control over her safety, and my job as husband is to keep her & the family safe (it's a guy thing!).  I like that she's taken up running, but I don't want her running by herself because something could happen to her.  So I run with her whenever I can.  Ask him to be your training partner, and agree that you will swim side by side during open water training and racing.  That way he'll know if something happens to you.  After the first few training swims, he will probably realize that you're okay to go on your own.  Promise him that you'll swim on the outside of the pack, closest to the safety boats.  Help him see that you are excited about this, and that you're willing to do whatever it takes to make him feel safe.
2009-07-09 10:43 AM
in reply to: #2272715

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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......

He hasn't said it's out of the question I know it's just general concern.  He is scared of the water so swimming makes him nervous anyway.  We work really well together so that's a non issue but I'm wondering how likely this whole drowning issue is. 

I'm sure it will be fine but it totally burst my bubble.  I'm looking into pool swims initially to ease his fears. 
Thanks for the imput.

2009-07-09 10:49 AM
in reply to: #2272987

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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
caedenspa - 2009-07-09 10:42 AM
I will say that the first open water swim in a race was different than anything I had ever experienced.  I had trained in open water with no issues.  On race day, I don't know what happened.  The first 100 yards seemed to take an eternity.  I got hit, kicked, pushed, off course, disoriented, and couldn't breathe.  I got passed up by the wave behind me, and they started two minutes after we did.  I had to stop and catch my breath about 6 ytimes in a 400 meter swim.  Coming out of the water I started to rethink whether or not triathlon was for me.

My next race I asked to be seeded in the last wave, just in case.  I ended up passing everyone in my wave, the wave ahead of us, AND catching the wave ahead of them.  It all of a sudden just "clicked".  Ever since then, my open water swims have been enjoyable, and I actually look forward to them.

When it comes to my wife, I'm the same way as your husband.  I'm willing to take risks with my own body, but I don't want her taking risks.  It's a feeling of having no control over her safety, and my job as husband is to keep her & the family safe (it's a guy thing!).  I like that she's taken up running, but I don't want her running by herself because something could happen to her.  So I run with her whenever I can.  Ask him to be your training partner, and agree that you will swim side by side during open water training and racing.  That way he'll know if something happens to you.  After the first few training swims, he will probably realize that you're okay to go on your own.  Promise him that you'll swim on the outside of the pack, closest to the safety boats.  Help him see that you are excited about this, and that you're willing to do whatever it takes to make him feel safe.



This makes total sense.  You are right, it is a guy thing and I totally respect that.  As I said in my other post water makes him nervous so swimming is out for him.  He wants to follow me a kayak when I practice which I'm totally cool with.  I know it will all work out and he will be fine but it's just the thought of something happening that scares the daylights out of him.  I'll do a couple pool swims and see how they go, get checked out and ease his fears.  It's kind of nice to know he still cares so much after almost 12 years Kiss
2009-07-09 10:51 AM
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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
He doesn't mind you bike riding?  I think that part is way more risky than the swim part.  But I'm not sure I would use that as an argument.


2009-07-09 11:09 AM
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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
Not to hijack, but there are tons of articles on how runner's die in races every year because of heart issues or preexisting conditions that athletes are aware of or choose to ignore.  That chance won't change just because you are in the water.

If it helps, I agree with having him come with you to a few swims to show him you will be fine.  Then again, there are dangers to living your every day life that are far less beneficial to your health than exercise and you do them every day (i.e. walking down the street, driving a car, etc.).

Good luck and I hope you get to 'tri' soon!
2009-07-09 12:41 PM
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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
ChrisM - 2009-07-09 10:36 AM I'm sure he just doesn't want to lose you.  I don't think that's a bad thing.

Go to a doc, tell them what you would like to do, and have the doc tell you "yes, you can do that and it should not be a problem." 


X2.  Definitely go see your doctor and get the okay first.  Then just talk it over sensibly with him.  Most races offer red caps for weaker swimmers.  If you wear one of those and then even tell the RD about your condition, he/she might be willing to have one of the kayakers pay special attention to you.
2009-07-09 12:47 PM
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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
Talk to doctor, bring husband along. Don't be silly and do pool swims and such to placate his overactive childlike imagination. He is acting weird. My wife was scared, but I assured her there are always lots of people in canoes there to help anyone in trouble. We went to a triathlon that I wasn't in just to see what it was like. She was fine.
2009-07-09 12:50 PM
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2009-07-09 1:07 PM
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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
I may be totally out of line here and alone in my opinion, but I stopped getting "told what to do" when I was 18.  I realize family and health concerns are important, esp. with kids, but wow, i totally balked when i read that your husband was going to decide that could or could not do a triathlon.
IMHO, you have more likelihood of getting in a fatal car wreck every day than dying in a triathlon.
I hope you decide to do it and do it because YOU want to, not because someone else "let" you.

(again- i don't know all the circumstances, so this is only my opinion)

Get it done, i believe in you and will support you along with everyone on this site!
p.s. I also have an irregular heartbeat and got the all-clear from my doc, i'm running my 4th tri of the summer in 2 days 

Edited by gonnafinish plscheer 2009-07-09 1:10 PM


2009-07-09 1:21 PM
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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
ChrisFL - 2009-07-09 1:50 PM

Well.....I hear you....have my own challenges with my own dh in regards to triathlons.  But there is something I want to share on this topic.  In marriage we're always to seek out the best for each other.....to truly desire the best for our spouses.  Sometimes that means putting aside our own worries and fears (which are often control based and irrational) and supporting our spouse in their dream.  For me..... I rest in the knowledge that God is in control.  If I'm gonna die and drown on the swim portion of the tri then I believe that was my time anyway.  (and what a way to go doing something you love vs dying of old age in a nursing home!)   Sometimes that means putting a dream of our own on hold temporarily or even permanently.

With that said- not everyone feels the way I do.  Certainly my own husband does not.  I think if my husband outright asked me not to do triathlons for the reason that your husband is giving I would see if there was a way I could soothe his fears by going to a doctor and having him hear from someone other than you that you're going to be okay.  Which of course as we all know does not mean that tommorow when you drive to work or the grocery store you won't get hit by a truck.  We have no control in life but many people have the illusion in life that they do.  

I totally understand your frustration and feel it myself.  That usually leads to anger for me to and then we're not in a very good place.  For me personally and this is after alot of prayer on this very topic (because my husband is not thrilled w/me doing triathlons....well training....haven't actually done any yet!) if the strife becomes too much then I'd put the relationship above the dream.  But that's just me.  There are other dreams and other ways to attain the dream you desire but it might not come in the full form of a triathlon. 

Marriage though- I have to keep that sacred and keep the foundation strong and keep the peace.  I think sometimes we do have to make a choice even though it seems crazy to have to do so.  I get jealous, VERY jealous of other couples who are totally OK with one spouse doing tri's or if both spouses are into doing tri's.  But that's not good either.  For now my husband isn't saying "don't do it".  He's tolerating it and I'm praying that that changes to support and encouragement in the very near future.  He can certainly see how happy it makes me so I'm hoping!!! 

I'm sorry you are feeling that your dream is being zapped out.  Maybe it isn't....acknowledge his fears.....validate how he's feeling......let him know you are thankful for the magnitude of his love (and that is awesome he would never want to lose you!) and then see what happens.   take care- Christine



Good luck on getting him to actually support your training/racing. It's important. Any chance he would train with you? I had the idea of doing tri's from a guy I work with, started training, then all of a sudden, my wife is too. It went from 'you're riding 2 hours without me', to 'good quality time together'...Even though for 10 years she "couldn't run" because of her knees, she started running (she hates the run but loves it as it's part of a tri)... It was something for us to do together. We have 4 young kids and we know the risks are there with riding the bike on the road. One of the guys we do an annual long ride with died in a training crash this year. We know that crazy things happen with the swim....but it's part of living. We ENJOY this stuff.....At what point do you say "that risk is too great"? Maybe if he took part his views would change.
Cheers,
Scott
2009-07-09 1:31 PM
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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
tuan2u - 2009-07-09 9:49 AM

I think that this is akin to a first time parent where they baby the first born a bit.  Once the 10th child arrives, no one gives a hoot if the child decides to tatoo his/her forehead


How many siblings do you have?

Seriously though, to the OP-My wife has made it abundantly clear that I am not to die young. As far as I can tell, healthy training and occasional triathlons are a better option than being afraid of the potential consequences of exercise.
Life it dangerous. People die from head injuries in the bathtub and shower every year. I still rather be clean.
2009-07-09 1:46 PM
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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......

I've attached an article on this subject, below.  But the bigger issue is trust and control.   He seems to have no problem pursuing risky hobbies, but doesnt want you to do something thats probably less risky?  Not sure of that logic. 

We all have to live our lives.  There is risk of dying every time we walk out the door, or wake up in the morning, or anything for that matter. 

Maybe you can offer to have him volunteer and be in a kayak during the swim portion of the race?  That way, he can watch you the whole time to make sure you're safe.   And yes, the offer to go to the doc for clearance and bring him with you seems like a good idea. 

 

http://www.whec.com/article/stories/S854165.shtml?cat=577

 

Study: Triathlons can pose deadly heart risks

(AP) ORLANDO, Fla. - Warning to weekend warriors: Swim-bike-run triathlons pose at least twice the risk of sudden death as marathons do, the first study of these competitions has found.  The risk is mostly from heart problems during the swimming part. And while that risk is low _ about 15 out of a million participants _ it’s not inconsequential, the study’s author says.

 

Triathlons are soaring in popularity, especially as charity fundraisers. They are drawing many people who are not used to such demanding exercise. Each year, about 1,000 of these events are held and several hundred thousand Americans try one.

 "It’s something someone just signs up to do," often without a medical checkup to rule out heart problems, said Dr. Kevin Harris, a cardiologist at the Minneapolis Heart Institute at Abbott Northwestern Hospital. "They might prepare for a triathlon by swimming laps in their pool. That’s a lot different than swimming in a lake or a river."

 He led the study and presented results Saturday at an American College of Cardiology conference in Florida. The Minneapolis institute’s foundation sponsored the work and tracks athlete-related sudden deaths in a national registry.

 Marathon-related deaths made headlines in November 2007 when 28-year-old Ryan Shay died while competing in New York in the men’s marathon Olympic trials. Statistics show that for every million participants in these 26.2-mile running races, there will be four to eight deaths.

 The rate for triathletes is far higher _ 15 out of a million, the new study shows. Almost all occurred during the swim portion, usually the first event.

 "Anyone that jumps into freezing cold water knows the stress on the heart," said Dr. Lori Mosca, preventive cardiology chief at New York-Presbyterian Hospital and an American Heart Association spokeswoman. She had no role in the study but has competed in more than 100 triathlons, including the granddaddy _ Hawaii’s Ironman competition.

 Cold water constricts blood vessels, making the heart work harder and aggravating any pre-existing problems. It also can trigger an irregular heartbeat. On top of this temperature shock is the stress of competition.  "It’s quite frightening _ there are hundreds of people thrashing around. You have to keep going or you’re going to drown," Mosca said.  Swimmers can’t easily signal for help or slow down to rest during swimming as they can in the biking or running parts of a triathlon, said Harris, who also has competed in these events. Rescuers may have trouble spotting someone in danger in a crowd of competitors in the lakes, rivers and oceans where these events typically are held, he added.

 For the study, researchers used records on 922,810 triathletes competing in 2,846 USA Triathlon-sanctioned events between January 2006 and September 2008.  Of the 14 deaths identified, 13 occurred during swimming; the other was a bike crash. Autopsies on six of the victims showed that four had underlying heart problems. Two others had normal-looking hearts, but they may have suffered a fatal heart rhythm problem, Harris said.

 A search of the Minneapolis registry and the Internet found four other triathlon-related deaths from 2006 through 2008 beyond those that occurred in the officially sanctioned events.

 "While not a large risk, this is not an inconsequential number," Harris said.

 Fundraising triathlons have enticed many runners to try to expand into areas like swimming, which they may not have learned to do very efficiently, to benefit particular charities, Mosca said.  "They’re really recruiting people to do these events," she said. "It can be a recipe for disaster."

 Doctors offer these tips to anyone considering a triathlon:

_Get a checkup to make sure you don’t have hidden heart problems.

_Train adequately long before the event, including open-water swims _ not just in pools.

_Acclimate yourself to the water temperature shortly before a race, and wear a wetsuit if it’s too cold.

_Make sure the race has medical staff and defibrillators on site.

__

On the Net:

Heart meeting: http://www.acc.org

American Heart Association: http://americanheart.org

Registry: http://www.suddendeathathletes.org

2009-07-09 3:00 PM
in reply to: #2272715

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Subject: RE: My husband doesn't want me to this because......
I totally know how you feel my hubby felt the same way, but, his big concern was the bike rides, so i just stay local when i am on my own and that eases his mind, as for the swimming i was the one who had fears so i hired a swim coach to help me until i felt confident, I agree with the others do pool swims for your first race, good luck give him a hug and let him know your glad he cares so much.

Sarah
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