argh my wife hates me for training

I'm lucky in that I have a very flexible work schedule.   After I put DS on the school bus, I go to the Y and swim.  I get an hour workout at lunch on most days, and thats it for during the week.  I go long ONCE a weekend.  Either long bike or long run.  Not both.  DW doesn't necessarily understand why I'm doing it, but she sees that I'm happy and is accepting of my training. 

Scout

If you can get your workouts in before everyone wakes up, where is the problem?

Well only you can answer that question.

I've told my significant-other that if I'm going to train for a full Ironman, I'm doing it BEFORE we have kiddos. Or I will wait until they are school-age. I know people find ways to do it, but I personally can't imagine putting in sufficient training time and still maintaining a healthy work-life-family balance. At least not for an IM-distance.

What distance are you training for?

My kids wake up around 5:00 so I need to home by around then, which means I need to be up by 3:30 and on the road by no later than 4:00 with temps aroun 6-12 degrees C, no breakfast just out of bed, get dressed and start riding, it's do-able just not ideal. my goal is a HIM in May 2010 and I need to train more to make the distances

Any chance you can encourage your wife to exercise along with you?  Even if only for some of your exercises are 'common' times; then, it may not seem like you are spending as much time away from family.
Otherwise, getting creative:
1) how about one of those bike trailers?  Tow the kids behind for some of your biking time.
2) how about one of those nice running strollers?  Push the kids while exercising.

My question is, do you make sure you're available to give her 7 hours per week to do something she wants to do away from you/kiddos?  And if you both took 7 hours per week to do your own thing would there then be a strain?  I can see her side if she feels like she's being shorted and can't do something she wants to do because as a family you don't have time. 

A complicated situation that no one here can actually answer because we don't know your wife or what it is exactly that she is against.

First off 7 hours a week is minimal for TRI training and not more than most hobbies.  How long does 18 holes of golf a coulpe times a week take?  And if you include the 19th hole, how much time?

The real question is what does she want or not want.  She probably wants a happy hubby who is trim and fit.  But it sounds like she wants something else.  It could be Lets Make a Deal time.  Find out what activities about being Mom that she hates most (dishes, laundry, changing diapers, shopping, cleaning toilets, etc.) and ask her, "If I am willing to chip in more around the house and do X, Y and Z for you could you consider a 6 month trial of me training for Tri's for x hours a week at such and such times?  Or it could be that she wants more wife time or alone time.  Does she want to go out to dinner more often, out to the movies, feel like a wife now and gain instead of just mom, Mom, MOM, MOM!!!!!  It sounds like she feels like there is an inequity somewhere and that by you being gone more, it will make it even worse.  

There could also be some compromise things like, doing some bike riding with her and each kid in a seat on the back.  Granted it is not workout miles, but it would involve her and the kids in something active.  With relatives I like to have them ride a bike while I run.  It doesn't take much of an athlete to keep up with me when I am running and they are on a bike (and the kids are at the sitters) and maybe you end up at the beach, park, wherever for some couple time.  

If she is one of those lawyer types (likes to argue a point), you could see how much time she spends on her hobbies (TV, Shopping, yoga, etc.) and see if the time is comparable and help her to become aware of it in a way that will make her less mad at you rather than more. 

There is always devil's advocate.  Ok hun I won't train for triathlons, I will golf, bowl and play poker with the guys weekly.....but I am not sure that it will really get at what it is she wants that she feels she is not getting or wants more of.
If she is a controlling person and wants to have a say in every part of your life and it does not really matter what it is tri, tv, sleep, whatever, then this is a different issue all together.  This then becomes a boundary issue. 

So is the issue mostly "her issue," "her needs/wants," does she fear you will die during a triathlon?, or is she just overwhelmed with all of her Mom responsibilities and needs a hand and some respite.   

Anyway, no real answers here, just some food for thought.       

I am keeping my eye out for a good jogging twin pram/bike trailer, I can then take the kids with me 66% of the time I train if I do it after 9:00 when the temperature is a bit warmer, don't want the kids getting sick!
That way if I have the kids for an hour or two that would free up her time and make her more open to the idea...maybe!
I have tried to give her a day or two per week of "mum" time but she would rather spend it as a family which is totally OK I can see her point of view.

Man all this talk about subzero temperature training makes me feel happy I live in Southern California where bad weather is 50F with scattered showers... not to brag or anything.

But back to the point...  When I was strength training I ran into a lot of guys that weren't supported by their significant other for the amount of time they were putting into the sport.  It seems to me that most guys let the results do the talking.  I think she'll come around when you explain to her how much this means to you personally and the physical and emotional benefits that are sure to follow are just icing on the cake.

Does your wife want you to be around to see your kids grow up or does she want you to die of a heart attack and leave her and the kids to fend for themselves? You're not "Training" your setting a good example for your kids that it is important to lead a healthy active lifestyle.

X2, especially the part about setting an example for your kids.

I had the same problem with my wife.  We have 5 kids total, 3 of them still at home.  I made the mistake of not discussing the time commitment with my wife beforehand.  I have since had that discussion and things are better (not great).

As others have said, you need to get creative with your time management.  Get up early, train at lunch, put the kids in a jog stroller, etc.

I also found that I need to make sure my wife feels like a wife, not just a mom.  I need to be sure to schedule time for just her and I.  Otherwise, she may think I like my bike more than her.

When I first got into Tri in 2005 my kids were 6 months and 2yrs. During the past 4 years my wife was far from supportive. I use to joke that she would rather me cheat on her than go out to exercise. She not only wanted me there to help, but she was into working out too and got jealous if I got more time than her.
To keep the peace I would only signed up for 1 event a year.... maybe two if they were small. I also would train only 4-6 months a year. Now that the kids are 4 and 6 she is much more supportive. She is back to running some 5ks a marathon and she even did a tri last year. Now she understands but still gets a little jealous when I'm pushing the big numbers. She even agreed to my training this year for Lake Placid as long as I did everything in my power to train around the family time.
It helps that I can workout at work during lunch and I swim after the kids go to bed. I also try to leave triathlon talk and attitude at the door. The minute I'm back from a long ride I hope right into family mode. Sometimes not showering for hours after returning.

If she hadn't discovered (had my support) running and training we would have been in big trouble!

All that said, I'm very big on taking as little time away from the kids as possible. Triathlon will always be around but your kids will not.....

As a wife of a workaholic husband....I actually get your wife's point of view (to an extent). Two kids under the age of 4 is difficult and stressful. It is easy to quickly become resentful of your partner. 

That said, I don't think what your asking for is unreasonable. Why on Earth do you need to be there are 5 am when the kids wake up? "Family time" IMHO, is daytime activities and dinner. She can't manage until 8-9am on her own? I don't get it. Sorry....

I wish you luck in figuring it out.....I think training for an IM is a worthy goal.

X2.  Sounds like you guys need to have a serious sit down.  Remember family ALWAYS comes 1st.  I get the health/sanity piece, but there are ways to work around it. You may have to give n' take some.  Good luck!

I don't know if your wife has seen you race yet, or see your joy in your accomplishments, but it does kind of suck that you even have to have this conversation!

Well, as a wife and mom of 3 kids and a full-time teacher who also would like to train 14 hours a week but is lucky to get in 7 hours, and has a husband who would like to work out a bit also... well, something has to give. So in our case, the house is a mess, nothing ever gets fixed, the yard gets minimal care, we've been known to feed the kids Goldfish as a dinner entree, etc. Plus, it costs money. Someone has to watch my kids, so I pay for child care so I have the free time I want. Luckily, my husband isn't as into working out as me and is helpful with the kids and housekeeping.

Sounds like she needs her own thing going on and also needs some flexibility to hire a sitter or a house cleaner or something to make her feel like she doesn't have to do al the house and childcare herself.

Sometimes you have to be a little selfish to be happy. If all you you do is work and help around the house, you can very likely come to resent your home life. By allowing some "you time," you are probably happier, more helpful, and more pleasant to be around.

You just need to be sure to afford your wife the same benefit so she can also be happier, more helpful and more pleasant to be around.

I'm going to be a party pooper and point out that it might not be that unreasonable for the wife to be unhappy with the situation.  2 preschoolers can be a lot of work.  7 hours of training is not "7 hours away from the family",  It is 7 hours of training time, plus X hours of getting ready to train (changing clothes, tuning up the bike, getting to the pool, whatever), plus Y hours of post training (putting things away, showering, possible cool down, ice bath, or general exhaustion).  On top of this, the OP has a 4 on, 4 off 12 hour day work schedule.  So, his days on are 12 hours at the job+commuting time+training time+x+y+sleep+meals.  The way I see that, it means that 57% of the week his only contact with the wife and kids (who, again, I will remind everyone, are under the age of 4, and therefore in need of more parent time) is at dinner and maybe breakfast.

Comparing this to, say, golf, which entails just the one day of being away (so one parent takes Saturday and one take Sunday to enjoy themselves), is kind of a false argument.  And the idea that if he cuts back, he will be a fat schlub heart attack waiting to happen is also kind of silly - you can be fit without the amount of exercise it takes to be a competitive triathlete.  Heck, you can compete in triathlons (at least short ones) with less training time.

Asking "how do I make her see the light" implies that she is the one who is wrong.  But she might be posting under some other board "my husband and father of our preschoolers is having an existential mid-life crisis with delusions of being an ironman.  I never see him, how do I make him see the light of the hard work it takes to raise little kids and keep the marriage alive?"

I think the real question to ask is what are the priorties in your life right now?  What needs attention and what can coast for a bit?  If your marriage is rock solid, great - less work there.  What about your role as a parent - how much time do your kids get to do things with you?  When my kids were that age, most of my rides were with them in the trailer.  It meant we could talk, and mrs gearboy had some time of her own.  Once they are in school, especially if you are still on the 4 on/4 off work week, you will find it a lot easier to get in long training sessions, without leaving mrs spinamatic holding the short end of the parenting stick. 

I would also suggest you talk the mrs about what her concerns are.  Some things really can be put aside - floors don't need to be spotless, for example.  But she could be giving you a chance to see how she is unhappy in a broader sense.  Remember, if a husband initiates marital therapy, it is already too late.  The wife has already given up on the subtler clues and on the marriage as a whole. 

I see both sides.....and this is why I think if I get married, it will be to someone who "gets it"