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2012-07-16 12:54 PM

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Subject: Falling for my best friend

I am having a bit of an issue right now, it may be childish..idk.

My best friend, Tara is back into town for 2 weeks.  We spent all weekend together.  I have always thought there might be something there, but this weekend was even stronger.  We have been friends for 15+ years.

The question is, do I risk our friendship and tell her how I feel, or do I just let it go.

I have no idea if she feels the same...What say you COJ?



2012-07-16 1:05 PM
in reply to: #4314005

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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend

Tell/Ask her!

You HAVE to know.  Don't go through life wondering "what if".  If she doesn't feel the same-that sucks, but it's reality and you can't run from the truth.  But!....if she DOES feel the same? 

Good Luck!

2012-07-16 1:07 PM
in reply to: #4314005

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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend

Tough. I've been "Tara" before.
My best guy friend all through high school, college and beyond told me he was in love with me before deploying to Iraq. I always kind of knew he liked me that way, but I did not feel the same. It strained our friendship to no end. He was very hurt and didn't talk to me for years. We reconnected since then, but it's never been the same. I can't even remember the last time we spoke. It was too personal for him to be rejected like that.

My advice? If you don't know she feels something for you, don't do it. Drop a few hints but don't say anything outright. If she feels it, let HER bring it up.

2012-07-16 1:12 PM
in reply to: #4314005

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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend
RushTogether - 2012-07-16 12:54 PM

I am having a bit of an issue right now, it may be childish..idk.

My best friend, Tara is back into town for 2 weeks.  We spent all weekend together.  I have always thought there might be something there, but this weekend was even stronger.  We have been friends for 15+ years.

The question is, do I risk our friendship and tell her how I feel, or do I just let it go.

I have no idea if she feels the same...What say you COJ?



In my experience, it doesn't work like the movies.

Women have a pretty good sense when a guy likes them in that way and if she hasn't acted on it or put herself in a situation for you to act on it....it probably isn't meant to be.

My 2 cents
2012-07-16 1:17 PM
in reply to: #4314063

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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend

I would suggest that IF you are going to bring it up.  Be SURE.  I have a wonderful girlfriend that in a lot of ways I love (and have strong feelings every minute we hang out), but I also know her well enough that some of the things I can put up with as a friend, I couldn't deal with as more than friends, if that makes sense.

So she makes better friend material than wife material in the long run.  It's close, but it's a swing and a miss.

2012-07-16 1:20 PM
in reply to: #4314063

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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend
running2far - 2012-07-16 11:12 AM
RushTogether - 2012-07-16 12:54 PM

I am having a bit of an issue right now, it may be childish..idk.

My best friend, Tara is back into town for 2 weeks.  We spent all weekend together.  I have always thought there might be something there, but this weekend was even stronger.  We have been friends for 15+ years.

The question is, do I risk our friendship and tell her how I feel, or do I just let it go.

I have no idea if she feels the same...What say you COJ?

In my experience, it doesn't work like the movies. Women have a pretty good sense when a guy likes them in that way and if she hasn't acted on it or put herself in a situation for you to act on it....it probably isn't meant to be. My 2 cents

Good point.  I had the conversation with my friend over beers years later about how I felt back then (before we both got married, had kids, etc).  And she said she knew - some of it was bad timing, but some of it was she wasn't interested that way back then.



2012-07-16 1:24 PM
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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend
jeffnboise - 2012-07-16 1:05 PM

Tell/Ask her!

You HAVE to know.  Don't go through life wondering "what if".  If she doesn't feel the same-that sucks, but it's reality and you can't run from the truth.  But!....if she DOES feel the same? 

Good Luck!

I am with Jeff on this one, I can't live with the "What if", just do it!   And who know when again in life the two of you will both be single??  Then you are left wondering forever. 

 

2012-07-16 1:38 PM
in reply to: #4314063

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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend
running2far - 2012-07-16 2:12 PM
RushTogether - 2012-07-16 12:54 PM

I am having a bit of an issue right now, it may be childish..idk.

My best friend, Tara is back into town for 2 weeks.  We spent all weekend together.  I have always thought there might be something there, but this weekend was even stronger.  We have been friends for 15+ years.

The question is, do I risk our friendship and tell her how I feel, or do I just let it go.

I have no idea if she feels the same...What say you COJ?

In my experience, it doesn't work like the movies. Women have a pretty good sense when a guy likes them in that way and if she hasn't acted on it or put herself in a situation for you to act on it....it probably isn't meant to be. My 2 cents

I second this.  Most likely she knows, and if she would feel the same way she would have found a way to put herself in a situation where it was easier for you to act on it.  It is up to you if you want to take the risk of making the relationship feel ackward.

2012-07-16 1:43 PM
in reply to: #4314005

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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend
Screw it.  Life is too short for what ifs... find the right moment and move in to lay a big 'ol smacker on her. Then take it from there.
2012-07-16 1:46 PM
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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend

Your answer is right here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ne4lIjgWTTs

I would hope you bring it up.  There are 2 ways this is going to go:

1)  You be honest, tell her how you feel.  She recipricates it, or she doesn't.  You both move on while being able to reconcile the truth of your relationship.  Either in a wonderful relationship or not.  If you don't...at least you are out of the friendzone.

2) You lie (omitting truth), whether she recipricates it or not, you are stuck in the friendzone.  She up and starts dating/marries another man.  You regret it for the rest of your life while seeking after another woman that might fill the void that you have let be created.

What would you rather have happen?  Sounds like you are trapped in the friendzone and don't want to leave because the couch is comfortable?  Someday, that couch may be gone.

She probably feels the same...friends for 15 years?  She hasn't found another dude?  She must be holding out for SOMEBODY.  She spent the ENTIRE WEEKEND with you?  That is hint enough for me.  If you are older than 25 and she didn't talk about another man, that is as direct as it gets. Let her know how you feel....just don't do it like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8ZTGgYc2pg

Some dude is going to take her if you don't. 

 



Edited by lifejustice 2012-07-16 1:54 PM
2012-07-16 1:52 PM
in reply to: #4314005

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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend

uh... your avatar shows you holding a little baby.  but I'll assume that you're available.

You don't need to tell her that you love her.  You can just tell her that you've really enjoyed the time you've spent with her.  Much more than you were expecting.  see how she responds. 

sounds like she lives somewhere else- so, I gather you're not really in a position to embark on a relationship right now anyway.



2012-07-16 2:02 PM
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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend
You have to go for it. If you wait someone else may start dating her. Don't lose her if you think she's the one.
2012-07-16 2:08 PM
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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend

In this case I'd bring it up.  Since she doesn't live in town, you don't have the problem with future awkwardness. 

Be prepared, though, if she says "thanks but no."  Mentally prepared and prepared with a response.   How you react will make a big difference.

Good luck!

2012-07-16 2:10 PM
in reply to: #4314050

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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend
lisac957 - 2012-07-16 12:07 PM

Tough. I've been "Tara" before.
My best guy friend all through high school, college and beyond told me he was in love with me before deploying to Iraq. I always kind of knew he liked me that way, but I did not feel the same. It strained our friendship to no end. He was very hurt and didn't talk to me for years. We reconnected since then, but it's never been the same. I can't even remember the last time we spoke. It was too personal for him to be rejected like that.

My advice? If you don't know she feels something for you, don't do it. Drop a few hints but don't say anything outright. If she feels it, let HER bring it up.

Totally disagree with this.  Fact is, you have feelings.  It will be ashame if she doesn't share them, but you should find out so you can move on.  

I understand that things will probably never be the same, but right now, this friendship is based on a lie.  You are close because you wish for more.  She benefits because you give her all this attention.  

If she does share your feelings, you both win.  If not, then at least you can move forward how you would like to move forward with things.

2012-07-16 2:28 PM
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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend

There is no right answer. Every situation is different. I had some very close girl friends growing up. They were very good friends... and I wanted to sleep with everyone of them. Part of that was my fault for not "going for it"... but the fact is, we were my friends only because they did not want to date me. You are either romantically attracted to each other... or you are friends. There is no in between.

If you had said you were friends for a year or so well I don't know, but friends for 15 years... ya, you are friends. You can give it a try. It won't change for you, you like her romantically. It will change for her, or she will take you up on it. Thing is... people do not want the real deal... they want the fantasy, they want swept off their feet, Prince Charming and all that. All relationships start out that way and then you get to know the real person... you either grow apart or together. But starting out where you are... I have only seen that work in the movies.

Only one way to know for sure... the only real question is what is your friendship worth, and what is the possible relationship worth?

2012-07-16 2:30 PM
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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend

On a scale of 1 to 10.  Rank each of you on overall attractiveness.

Is her number much higher than yours?  if so, then keep it to yourself.



2012-07-16 2:34 PM
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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend

powerman - 2012-07-16 2:28 PMOnly one way to know for sure... the only real question is what is your friendship worth, and what is the possible relationship worth?

 

Oh the million dollar question..

 

Thanks everyone for your input, I greatly appreciate it..

2012-07-16 2:36 PM
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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend
morey000 - 2012-07-16 3:30 PM

On a scale of 1 to 10.  Rank each of you on overall attractiveness.

Is her number much higher than yours?  if so, then keep it to yourself.

Make sure that she catches you with a risk / reward spreadsheet. 

That'll tip her over. 

2012-07-16 2:37 PM
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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend
BikerGrrrl - 2012-07-16 2:08 PM

In this case I'd bring it up.  Since she doesn't live in town, you don't have the problem with future awkwardness. 

Be prepared, though, if she says "thanks but no."  Mentally prepared and prepared with a response.   How you react will make a big difference.

Good luck!

This is true because when George Costanza didn't get the I love you back, he wasn't prepared.

2012-07-16 2:46 PM
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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend

Although I am married for 28 years, women give out def signals and can tell you a lot without saying anything.  Does she touch your arm when talking, does she lean in or whisper in your ear,  does she smile or have sparkley eyes, and so on.

Look at the signals and then act on them.  Shyness is cute, but doesn't get the girl.

2012-07-16 2:57 PM
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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend
velocomp - 2012-07-16 2:10 PM
lisac957 - 2012-07-16 12:07 PM

Tough. I've been "Tara" before.
My best guy friend all through high school, college and beyond told me he was in love with me before deploying to Iraq. I always kind of knew he liked me that way, but I did not feel the same. It strained our friendship to no end. He was very hurt and didn't talk to me for years. We reconnected since then, but it's never been the same. I can't even remember the last time we spoke. It was too personal for him to be rejected like that.

My advice? If you don't know she feels something for you, don't do it. Drop a few hints but don't say anything outright. If she feels it, let HER bring it up.

Totally disagree with this.  Fact is, you have feelings.  It will be ashame if she doesn't share them, but you should find out so you can move on.  

I understand that things will probably never be the same, but right now, this friendship is based on a lie.  You are close because you wish for more.  She benefits because you give her all this attention.  

If she does share your feelings, you both win.  If not, then at least you can move forward how you would like to move forward with things.

Well that's why I suggested dropping hints. Females are typically pretty good at picking up on hints - if she ignores it he has his answer. If she reciprocates, horray.  But it's a huge risk to the relationship to just "go for it" and having been in that situation I didn't recommend that. I really miss my friend

Only the OP can judge the risk/reward on the relationship. 



2012-07-16 3:02 PM
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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend
BikerGrrrl - 2012-07-16 3:08 PM

 

Be prepared, though, if she says "thanks but no."  Mentally prepared and prepared with a response.   

 

Long awkward pause then you bust out with a big smile and "ahhhhh just yanking your chian... you should've seen your face..."

2012-07-16 3:20 PM
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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend
morey000 - 2012-07-16 2:30 PM

On a scale of 1 to 10.  Rank each of you on overall attractiveness.

Is her number much higher than yours?  if so, then keep it to yourself.

He's right.

And you can't go more than 2 digits up either without the help of money or a couple other things to remain unmentioned.

2012-07-16 3:26 PM
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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend
powerman - 2012-07-16 2:28 PM

There is no right answer. Every situation is different. I had some very close girl friends growing up. They were very good friends... and I wanted to sleep with everyone of them. Part of that was my fault for not "going for it"... but the fact is, we were my friends only because they did not want to date me. You are either romantically attracted to each other... or you are friends. There is no in between.

Doesn't this lend support to the idea that men and women can't REALLY be "just friends" because the guy ALWAYS wants to sleep with the girl...... regardless of actual attraction?

2012-07-16 4:22 PM
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Subject: RE: Falling for my best friend
jgaither - 2012-07-16 2:26 PM
powerman - 2012-07-16 2:28 PM

There is no right answer. Every situation is different. I had some very close girl friends growing up. They were very good friends... and I wanted to sleep with everyone of them. Part of that was my fault for not "going for it"... but the fact is, we were my friends only because they did not want to date me. You are either romantically attracted to each other... or you are friends. There is no in between.

Doesn't this lend support to the idea that men and women can't REALLY be "just friends" because the guy ALWAYS wants to sleep with the girl...... regardless of actual attraction?

I can't speak for all men, all I can speak for is a teenage walking hormone that wanted to sleep with any girl that said hi to me.

OK, that's not true.... they didn't have to say hi to me or even know my name. Smile

I had really good friends. They were all great.. and hot. That should have been my first clue... see rule above. I don't want to make light of our friendship because I really valued that. But ya... listening to them go on and on about all their jerk boyfriends... I had a solution for that.

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