How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse? (Page 3)

Unrelated to the above:  Who are you and what are you doing on BT??  

Related:  Good answer.  

We keep our finances 100% separate. If there are big purchases we both want to contribute to, we just split it up.

I really like it. No chance of money-related financial drama either

Because we love our "we" time too.....but we are also very independent people.  We adore our children, and encourage them to be independent as well.  I think you make a lot of assumptions, like you did in the thread about going to races.  For instance, you ask, "why would anyone feel threatened to talk it out ahead of time with the person they love most in their life".  For us it's, "why in the hell would the person I love most in my life feel the need to ask me if they could buy something they wanted?"   It's the reason we've never felt the need to combine or share finances.  Threatened??  Dude, please.

I remember driving home from a duck hunting trip one day and feeling like I didn't want to walk through a swamp for 2 miles anymore, so I stopped and bought a 4-wheeler.....if I remember right it was about 5500.00.  The salesman wanted to know if I wanted to call my wife and talk to her since I was putting her name on the title......he could not get over the fact that I didn't want to.  Finally, I said, "dude, she doesn't duck hunt."  I have to say, it would NEVER occur to me to call and ask permission, or discuss it in any way......I can't figure out why I would need to. 

We discuss our children, our lives, our hopes, and our dreams......I don't give a rats arse about her money or what she spends it on.

CD - it's worked for us for over 20 years.....it's not something we just came up with.  And while your making notes....you might also note that I didn't just say ask permission, I also said discuss it in any way.  We split expenses......but our finances and what we spend our money on outside of those expenses is our individual business and never gets discussed.  From where I sit, your comments about "why even be married or have kids" is WAAAAY out of line.  I guess I can assume that you are married or have kids just so you can share money with each other? 

This is pretty laughable for me as I think it's the only argument I've ever had about money with regard to marriage.

hate to admit how much i agree with LB here.  i didn't know i ceased to be an individual when i married mr. meh.

Originally posted by ChineseDemocracy

Originally posted by Left Brain

Originally posted by ChineseDemocracy

Originally posted by Left Brain

Originally posted by ChineseDemocracy

Originally posted by lisac957

I heard a statistic this morning (no source, sorry) that the average couple can spend $300 before discussing it with each other first.

Does your family have a threshold like this? If so, what is it?
Do you have other family guidelines for big purchases?
Do you have a "me" account where you don't have to ask or justify whatsoever?

I am single and live solo, so nothing of the sort for me. But it's always interesting to see how others do it.

No threshold. Never needed one. We've just always been honest with each other and we talk about everything. Do you have other family guidelines for big purchases? Again, no, as we both just talk big purchases out before we make the purchase. Do you have a "me" account where you don't have to ask or justify whatsoever? No, no "me account." And no, we don't HAVE to ask or justify, but why would anyone feel threatened to talk it out ahead of time with the person they love most in their life? The "me" account cracks me up. It reminds me of all the talk of "me time." It's a self-indulgent age for sure...and I'm totally not on board with it and 1000% embrace the "we time." Between all the "me accounts" and "me time," I often wonder why a lot of folks out there even bother getting married or raising children.

Because we love our "we" time too.....but we are also very independent people.  We adore our children, and encourage them to be independent as well.  I think you make a lot of assumptions, like you did in the thread about going to races.  For instance, you ask, "why would anyone feel threatened to talk it out ahead of time with the person they love most in their life".  For us it's, "why in the hell would the person I love most in my life feel the need to ask me if they could buy something they wanted?"   It's the reason we've never felt the need to combine or share finances.  Threatened??  Dude, please.

I remember driving home from a duck hunting trip one day and feeling like I didn't want to walk through a swamp for 2 miles anymore, so I stopped and bought a 4-wheeler.....if I remember right it was about 5500.00.  The salesman wanted to know if I wanted to call my wife and talk to her since I was putting her name on the title......he could not get over the fact that I didn't want to.  Finally, I said, "dude, she doesn't duck hunt."  I have to say, it would NEVER occur to me to call and ask permission, or discuss it in any way......I can't figure out why I would need to. 

We discuss our children, our lives, our hopes, and our dreams......I don't give a rats arse about her money or what she spends it on.

You also made a pretty big assumption as well. You said it would NEVER occur to you to call and ask permission. I never said anything about "asking permission." I tried to be very clear about that point as I knew it would be jumped on. So, I take it your money is your money and her money is her money. If that works for you, great. That said, when you say you discuss your children, your lives, your hopes, and your dreams...a few of those things are impacted by available resources. Dropping $5500 on a moment's notice may be okay with you, but to the majority of Americans out there (including me) that's just not practical, and probably heavily affects budgets/plans/etc.

CD - it's worked for us for over 20 years.....it's not something we just came up with.  And while your making notes....you might also note that I didn't just say ask permission, I also said discuss it in any way.  We split expenses......but our finances and what we spend our money on outside of those expenses is our individual business and never gets discussed.  From where I sit, your comments about "why even be married or have kids" is WAAAAY out of line.  I guess I can assume that you are married or have kids just so you can share money with each other? 

This is pretty laughable for me as I think it's the only argument I've ever had about money with regard to marriage.

Yikes, no argument on my end man. Whatever floats your boat. It works for ya, that's great! ...and yes, very happily married as well. Look at that, it can be done many different ways. Our model of completely pooled assets would never work for you guys...and your "individual business that never gets discussed" would never work for us. I apologize LB if I offended you in any way. I still stand by my stance on the modern day emphasis on me time and me accounts though. I'd love to see more emphasis on we than me...but sadly, I do believe the we is going the way of the dinosaur. Let me ironically snap a frowning selfie now. Dang, 23 years after the St. Louis riot, Guns N' Roses fans are still givin' you grief LB!

HA!!!  No worries, I'm not offended in any way.  I always enjoy reading your POV of things.  And BTW, in case you ever hear otherwise when you're at a GNR "remember when" rally.......we kicked some serious GNR fan arse that day. LMAOOO

I'm not sure the "me" account is a new thing... I remember my mother having one for things like trips to the salon, manicures, and getting surprise gifts for my dad. 

CD,

I get your point of view, but just thinking the word choice is a bit abrasive.  For example, saying things like "we are just honest with each other" and talk about purchases sort of reads like people that don't talk about every purchase are somehow being dishonest?  That "me-time" is being self indulgent?   If I get a new pair of pants and don't have a pre-purchase discussion about it I'm being dishonest?  I want some "me-time" in the john to take dump or spend 45 minutes alone with my thoughts during a run is "self-indulgent"?  Maybe technically it is "self indulgent" - fine.  But some time alone is not always a bad thing or unfair to a spouse.  It's healthy in a relationship to not lose one's "self".

To me, it's not a honest/dishonest thing or a money thing.  It's a TRUST thing.  It's knowing your spouse and understanding what works for your relationship.  We don't HAVE to have a financial pre-purchase meeting to get a taco, or cup of coffee, or even paying 2k in tuition.  I see her going to class, and I KNOW she had to pay for it somehow, and I KNOW we easily have the money to cover it.  It's so transparent, how can there be any dishonesty just because we don't discuss it prior?  I trust that she is not going to jeopardize our family and our house with frivolous purchases or wasting money.  I TRUST her to look out for us (as I look out for us) and I don't need to know about everything she buys because I trust she has a good reason and won't do things to damage US.  I think that if she questioned every purchase I made, and I wanted to see receipts for everything she got is a huge LACK of trust in each other.

She trusts me to spend whatever's reasonable on what I need, limit my spending on things I "want", and talk to her if either of those two items cost so much that it's "noticeable" in our account (back to the OP, which is probably $300 or so for the "fun" stuff and much higher for the "need" stuff).  I didn't need to tell her that I was spending $1200 on the car when I took it in (informed  her of it after, but didn't need "permission", she trusts my judgment - but she may question if I came home with a new $1200 plasma TV for no good reason.  In fact, she would probably get aggravated if prior to every Starbucks run, or Taco Bell trip I called/texted to "run it by her" or downloaded the day's purchases with her .  If I asked her what to do if my pants ripped - "get a new pair - why are you even asking me?"  OR, since she likes to shop, probably say "I'll get you a couple new pairs this weekend.

I'm sure it also comes down to how people view/track money.  Some track to the penny and need to save/see receipts on everything.  Personally?  The wife and I are more "go by feel" (me more than her).  We have a good buffer, already have our retirement plans set and working, so we can be a little more loose with purchases and we are completely comfortable with that.  I probably check my bank account every 2-3 months which would freak some people out.  I just make sure there have been no unauthorized purchases and that's about it.  I haven't balanced a check book in 20 years.  Some people?  Not knowing to the exact penny makes them uncomfortable - which is also fine.

As a side note.  The wife was shooting a commercial last night when I found a screaming deal on a Leupold rangefinder.  $500 down to $276 and pulled the trigger!  I can't wait to show the wife and have her roll her eyes in disinterest when I tell her that I can now know EXACTLY how many yards it is to the pin.  I'll probably bring it on a walk with her and say "it's exactly 276 yards to that house, and 217 to that fire hydrant, and 147 to the dog taking a crap" until she punches me.

I will answer for my house in a subsequent post but I have a question for the separate accounts people.

My wife and I have discussed separate accounts but she does not want to do that and I don't necessarily see the need or benefit in it at this point either. 

The main potential problem I see is this. Priority on what we spend money on is different for the two of us as I am sure is different for most couples. For instance I like shiny bike parts, motorcycles, car projects, electronics, etc. My wife likes house projects, landscaping, photography, etc. 4

So for example, lets say we have separate accounts and just pay house bills together. I save my money and buy a motorcycle, lets say she hates motorcycling and gets no enjoyment from it whatsoever. Lets say she saves her money and buys a new living room set. I live in the house with her, I get the benefit of the living room set but had no personal cash outlay for that benefit. Rather I was "selfish" and bought a motorcycle that does her zero good while she improved the house I live in with no cost to me. 

How do the separate accounts couples handle this?

I imagine you could split costs that have mutual benefit. But I like our current living room set, it looks nice, is not torn, stained, etc. I see no need to replace it, but lets say she does, where does that leave us?

Great question.
If I were in that situation I'd assume it would be a give-and-take.. Living room set this year (her pick), 70-inch TV next year (your pick) - that type of thing. Looking forward to reading answers for those in the situation though.

We only split things we both agree we want/need.  If she wants a new living room set and I'm happy with the one we have she can buy it. If it's ripped up and NEEDS replacing, then we split it.  It's funny sometimes because we do have those kinds of discussions on household stuff......but if it's a want, and not a need, neither her nor I have a problem saying, "I'm not paying for that".

Anymore, I can't even say how it works or doesn't work.....we've been doing it since we met....it just works.  We both get raises/promotions so every few years we sit down and renegotiate how the bills are split based on new income....it can get pretty comical.

Yep, Lisa, it goes just like that sometimes.

My husband and I have separate accounts and this kind of situation is familiar.  Some things that I consider:

1. My husband pays a lot more for the bills (he pays the mortgage) so I feel like furnishing the house is my contribution.  The point of this is that I always kind of have a running tally in my head about where we stand. He makes 2x money, but I might outlay many thousand in one year for a home improvement thing (bathroom remodel, etc).   If I was getting to the point of feeling overburdened I'd probably just ask him to contribute to a "house" purchase.   I grew up in a family with very little money, and money is a controlling thing in my family, so these are insecurities difficult to unlearn. 
2. The idea of improving the house at no cost: I can't speak for your wife, but when I do this there may be other costs down the line to my husband.  When I put my heart and soul (and checkbook) into improving our house for sale, I appropriated a portion of the proceeds to pay off my student loan.  This is a sticking point for him since he bought the house, and paid the mortgage, but I put a LOT of my own money into it and I attribute the profit to my effort. 
3. The furniture thing is BIG at my house.   My husband truly doesn't care if we have a sofa from Room and Board or Goodwill, as long as its comfy. So,  if I want something nicer or want to replace something "just because" then I feel like it's my duty to pay for it.   My new sofa is the same as my husband's new motorcycle.    I get a lot of good-natured crap about the number of area rugs and entertainment stands I buy, but then there is also a constant stream of old Studebaker parts arriving at our house.
4. I do sometimes wonder what's going on with my husband's money since his habits tend towards more expensive, lots of bikes, cars, and used to be into motorcycles.   Then I tell myself to get over it since, as far as I know, the bills are being paid and he's saving for retirement.  (I actually know this to be true, without a lot of details).
5. I will equitably split up some stuff that is for both of us, even though it was my idea.  Vacations are big in this area.   My husbands doesn't care to be involved in planning, etc, but he will happily hand over his credit card when it's time to buy plane tickets.  Then, I charge the hotels and tours, etc. 

We started with separate accounts and just left it.  Overtime I was added to my husband's account in name only, I don't have a check card, etc.  That's just so he can deposit our tax check, or anything with both names on it.   Mostly we're just lazy and have enough money between us that it works out.

If I had a merged account already, i wouldn't switch back.  I would entertain the idea of a personal fund each for frivolities and gifts for each other.  Even so, I'd still expect to pay for house stuff, running gear, bike parts, engines, whatever, out the main account.

Wow, thanks for the specific examples, that is really helpful.

It would seem to be easy for my wife and I to do separate accounts right now because we currently make almost to the dollar the same money. But your examples definitely show there are many things to consider. I would have never even thought about you improving the house while he buys the house and how to split the equity when you sold it. 

I am wondering if maybe your last sentence would be a good thing for us to consider. Do everything joint as we are now and ask about purchases, but then have a certain monthly amount as an allowance for each of us that we can blow on whatever we want no questions asked. 

Here is my answer to the OP.

Married 4 years, one joint account since we got married that I have been in charge of. I had more experience living on my own than my wife did and I wanted to do the finances and she had little to no interest so it worked fine for me to be in charge. When we were first marred I made about 1 1/2 X the amount my wife made, all money went into the joint and we discussed all purchases. Our 2013 W2's show I made just a few hundred more than her last year so we are equal as far as bread winning goes at this point.

She deposits her checks and uses her debit card, other than that I do all the money stuff. We are not wealthy by any means, we do live in a very nice house (lucky foreclosure buy) and drive good vehicles and generally do just fine, but we do not have a ton of disposable income. Some of the stories of buying large items on a whim are way outside of the realm of possibility for us at this point in our lives. We overbought a bit on our house (bout $30k more than I wanted to spend) but given the market in 2010 and our current value it was a good call. But it does cut down a bit on discretionary spending.

All that to say, pretty much anything over $50 we talk about before buying. Usually just to make sure the timing is right and to give me a heads up before purchase so I can be ready for it come bill time. Gas purchases are not discussed (she averages $65 a week in gas to commute) and grocery store trips are not discussed (I have the average pretty well nailed down). 

This has worked fine for us. On occasion my wife has expressed the feeling that she is just continually depositing money and not seeing the benefit, IE, can't just buy whatever she wants when she wants. She has said it is hard for her to realize where all the money goes as she is not involved in the bill paying. We recently started going over accounts after I pay the bills and that has helped a lot for her to see where her money is going.

I am considering doing an allowance setup for both of us. Say $100 a month that we can just spend with no questions asked. If I want a bike part I don't need I can just buy it, if she wants some shoes that lord knows she doesn't need she can buy them.